Moving Day

Today, I have some exciting news!

No, no, no. I am NOT pregnant. Very funny.

Maybe I prefaced that wrong... I have some news to share that is very exciting to me. I have no idea whether it will turn your crank.

After much labor (pun intended) on the part of a couple very special women, my real, live, grown-up web site is ready to go!

E. Tyler Rowan

You'll notice that my website is .ca - that's because I'm Canadian. :) But, you'll also find it if you use .com. Go ahead, try it! Cool, eh? (I know. My adolescent excitement is a bit much.)

I do hope my giddiness hasn't scared you away from coming along with me on this interwebby move!

Technical Details:

If you are a regular reader here, and you get blog posts by following, through RSS feed, or via email, I'd love it if you headed over there and subscribed to the new feed!

But, if you're like me (lazy), you don't have to. From now on, when you come here, you'll get sent there. And if you subscribe through my feedburner feed, I do believe you'll get forwarded. Dontcha just love it when you don't have to do any work?!

However... If you do not get a post delivered to you tomorrow through whatever feed means you use, please remember me and subscribe to the new site! (You never know when those technical glitches will affect things.)

Just to make sure they get their props:

Thank you so much to Holly of Crown Laid Down Designs. She is responsible for all that you see on the new site, with the exception of the words. Holly has spent many hours over the past two weeks dealing with my constant emails asking to switch this and tweak that. She is incredibly patient and detailed, and she was not satisfied until I was utterly in love with every detail! If we met in person, I just know we'd get along fantastically!

And a special thanks to my friend, Louise, of real life, Facebook, and Twitter, without whom I wouldn't have even begun to try. Louise patiently sat with me for hours (in a hotel room with sketchy wifi access), holding my hand through the process of starting up a wordpress page, cheering me on every time I wanted to cry and give up. Her confidence and creative genius convinced me that "I can do it!" I love you, Louise. Not just for all your help, but for who you are.

And to my old friend Blogger... I thank you for making it easy for me to get my thoughts out there onto the world wide web. And for being free. And for being easy to use. In spite of your limitations and technical difficulties, I will forever have fond memories of you.

So, what're you waiting for? Go check it out!

Disclaimer(s):
1. My blog was imported over there a while ago for testing purposes, so it's missing a few posts. It will be totally up-to-date by tomorrow morning when my new post is up.
2. Also, if you're like me and you hate the "click to continue reading" thingie, you'll notice a tab for Blog along the top of the page. To avoid the "click to..." and to not see my little "welcome window" (as I fondly refer to it) every time you visit, you can either subscribe (via RSS or email) or add the blog page to your favourites. Does that make sense?

A Heart of Flesh

Stay tuned for more great posts written by four fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don't forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

The words rushed over me with a slow, deep sting; and I felt judgment and misunderstanding and trembling and fear start to overtake me.

The person before me continued on; uttering unkind words meant to hurt, meant to cause havoc; casually flinging them at me like fiery darts full of poison. I swayed under the onslaught, longing oh so suddenly for that old heart of mine to come rushing to my rescue.

I reveled briefly in the remembrance of my old comforting friend; the dappled pebbles of indifference and smooth sleek skipping rocks of avoidance and huge weighty boulders of perceived control building an impenetrable fortress high and tall and impossible to break through around my bruising heart~ that heart of stone I had carried around most of my life like a ball and chain, dragging darkness and hopelessness and condemnation around with me as I stumbled through days where Jesus was no where to be found.

But oh the grace~ oh the sweet mercy~ the beauty of His love and salvation…

I blink and take a step back, letting THAT remembrance and THESE words overtake me; a salve to my weary soul…

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

~Ezekiel 36:26, NIV

I think as the rant continues that the new spirit I’ve been given is a gift to be shared. The steady beat of a heart of flesh; filled to the brim with His glorious love and acceptance and worthiness and joy~ filled to the brim with a new life meant to be proclaimed.

And when my heart is being attacked, when it is constricted with the pain and sorrows and unfairness of this world, I now have the choice to rush back to my old defenses, or to allow His defenses to stand firm.

When pressed to my limits, when my heart is being squeezed so tight I can barely see a way out; that’s when I can allow His love to overflow out of the new spirit He’s given me. That’s when I can shed grace on those that are unseeing.

Maybe that love will show them that they also can be covered; that their heart of stone can be a heart of flesh.

So I start to listen, start to ask questions, start to try to better understand why the other person is hurting so deep and so far that they feel poison words are the only answer.

We sit and share, and the first small seeds of faith are planted in a fellow sufferer’s heart as I share Jesus and pray they continue to run straight into His arms.

I’ve never been more grateful for a heart of flesh as the Gospel comes alive right before my eyes.

Is there a situation in your life that makes you want to run to old defenses? How can you allow the grace and love of Jesus to overcome?

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Today's post is from a fellow BLASTer (Building Leaders, Authors, Speakers and Teachers), Lindsey Hartz. We haven't met in person, but I'm sure when we do our conversation will take us through a whole pot of coffee.

Lindsey has a passion to see lives changed, and she's willing to bare it all if her story will bring you one step closer to Him.

You can get to know Lindsey at A New Life, Twitter, and Facebook.

Confessions of a Conditional Forgiver

I am a confronter.

I am not one to let problems sit and simmer until I feel ready to blow. I am not one to push issues aside and pretend they don't exist. I prefer to deal with stuff head-on.

On the other hand, I am also very quick to forgive. Once something is out on the table and has been discussed, I'm ready to let go and move forward.

Recently, I've been feeling like God keeps telling me to skip step one and move right to step two. Forgive, let go, and move forward - no confrontation. But my human nature fights against that, telling me that in doing so, I'm avoiding the issue and letting those who hurt me off the hook.

It's not like I think they need to be punished, but that if someone causes a hurt they need to be made aware. After all, if they don't know they've hurt me, what's to stop them from doing it again?

The family member whose neglect of both me and my kids ought to know that we feel ignored, right?

The family member who has nothing to say to me on Facebook when I share my life, but insists on commenting when I post anything that is not agreeable - that person should at least know that all negative and no positive hurts, right?

The friend(s) who don't seem to be as interested as putting in the effort as I am to maintain our friendship need to be told that my feelings are hurt, right?

The friend who inadvertently betrayed my confidence and shared a private hurt publicly - that friend doesn't deserve to be shamed or anything, but really should know that I feel betrayed, right?

I mean, if people never even know that they've hurt someone, how can they prevent it from happening again? Right? Am I right, here?

Some folks won't forgive until they believe a person has truly changed. Some people won't forgive unless there's restitution. Some won't forgive until they get an apology.

I've always prided myself on my forgiving nature. I don't require changed people, restitution, or even an apology. I just want the person to know how I feel. Then I can forgive, no problem!

I've always been told that being willing to confront, in a loving way, is a good thing...Especially as compared to being non-confrontational or an avoider. In fact, learning to confront others in a way that does not leave them feeling hurt or attacked but provides them with new awareness and insight is a skill! At least, that's what I've been told. And that's what I've believed.

But in God's eyes, unforgiveness is unforgiveness. In His Kingdom, forgiveness is not supposed to be conditional.

I realize that I've been using my skills in confrontation as a means of putting conditions on my forgiveness.

So how do I move into free forgiveness? The kind of forgiveness that is offered without any conditions? Without any confrontation? Without any "letting people know" anything?

Here are three truths I'm trying to remind myself of, as I bite my tongue (and hold my fingers) and learn to unconditionally forgive:

1. Offering forgiveness does not let someone off the hook. My job is not justice or even creating awareness. Those are God's jobs. He will convict when someone does wrong. He will ensure that justice - His way - is served. Whether I forgive or not, He will deal with each person how He sees fit.

2. Offering forgiveness does set me free. The only person held captive by my unforgiveness is me. My emotions are tangled up. My tension level is high. My stomach is in knots. The unaware offender is, well, blissfully unaware. And those who offend knowingly are fooled into believing that they feel better for it. I'm the only one here who is stuck, hurting.

3. I have been commanded to forgive. Not everyone knows and loves God, which - in some ways - makes their hurtfulness less wrong. But I do know and love God. And if I choose to wallow in unforgiveness, I am wrong. Wrong with people and wrong with Him. If I want to be right with my God, I must forgive without conditions.

Forgiveness is not like writing a blank cheque, allowing someone the opportunity to take whatever they want. Forgiveness is more like taking someone's IOU and stamping it "paid in full," releasing them of the debt they owe. And if we refuse to forgive the debts owed to us by others, how can we expect our debt to be forgiven by the One who paid for us?

So for today, as I wrestle with my desire to confront, I will take my confrontations to God. I will remind Him of His job - to convict, to serve justice. I will pour out my hurt feelings and frustrations to Him and allow His awareness of my feelings to be my comfort. And I will try to let go - not to forget or avoid or pretend, but to just forgive.

Is there a hurt that you're struggling to forgive today? I would love to pray for you.

Internet Buddies

I have made some of the best friendships long distance! Some women I've met through their blogs and don't yet know in person, some bloggers whom I've had the privilege to meet, and others whose paths I've crossed at conferences and such.

Angela is a friend I met a She Speaks last year, and I thank God for bringing us together on the final eve of the conference. We've made a real heart connection over email this year, and even had a whole morning encouraging one another on Skype. Her ministry is growing beautifully, and I'm so excited for what God is going to do through her!

Today, I have the honor of sharing a post over on her blog, Rethinking My Thinking. It's a part of her series on Wrestling with God - the marriage part. I pray that my story encourages you. You can read it here.

While you're there, please say "Hi!" to Ang and take some time to read a few of her posts. I know you'll be blessed.

Two Minutes Longer

Wednesday is our women's Bible study morning. We all love Wednesday mornings for different reasons: two hours of childcare, coffee, snacks, girlfriend time, and of course, learning from God's Word together.

Yesterday, a guest speaker shared about the ministry she launched in women's prisons. The discussion in our group centred around the question, What can we do to help free people from their prisons? and in particular, How does this look for mothers with many small children?

Here are a few ideas we shared:

* Take two minutes longer in conversation with someone. Move just a tiny bit beyond typical small talk so that the person you're talking with gets the sense that you really do want to know how they are. This doesn't count only for friends, but strangers - the grocery clerk checking through your groceries, the person in line with you at Tim Horton's or Starbucks, the unusual man who stops to chat for no apparent reason...

* Send a card. In the mail. It's a simple as that - think of someone, write a card, pop it in the mail. I mean, don't you get just a little bit happy when you receive mail that's not a bill?

* Deliver a meal. Some people do this for new moms or when there's a family death, but meals can be offered for all sorts of occasions (or for no reason at all). Moving, sick kids, hubby away for a long time - these are all great excuses to drop off dinner for someone.

Don't cook? Yeah, me neither. But $10 for a frozen lasagna and a bag of caesar salad isn't too hard to come by.

* Invite someone over for coffee and a visit. The fact is, being a mom can sometimes be a lonely gig. Nothing lifts the spirits as well as simply getting out of the house! So invite that other mom you've met at church or the kids' school, the mom down the street, whoever. (You can also invite non-moms, of course! But if you've got preschoolers, make sure you warn her in advance. *wink*)

* Make a phone call or send an email to someone when you think of them. Say, "I was just thinking of you..."

There are a million things we can do as "ministry" that don't require us to take time off work, find childcare, teach Bible studies, or visit prisons. It seems that we've run out of excuses. Our group challenged each other, and I'd like to extend that challenge to you...

This week, reach out to someone in friendship and encouragement. You can use one of the ideas we came up with as a group, or something completely different. And then, I hope you'll come back to share what you did. That way we can spur one another on as we minister from where we're at.

I'll share what I did in the comments...

Things Worth Investing In

I spend money on a lot of things. Some are necessary - like food, gas for my Suburban (Which, incidentally, cost me $116 to fill this week! Ack!), and so on. Some are unnecessary but enjoyable - like McDonald's, movie rentals, a cute pair of shoes. Some are important, but often get neglected - such as cosmetic repairs around the house. (Man, do we ever need a new coat of paint on these walls!) The same goes for how I spend my time and efforts. Necessary - housework. Enjoyable - TV. Neglected - writing.

Today I'm thinking of the many things that are worth our investment, but are set aside all too often. Three biggies come to mind...three areas that I want to be sure I'm not neglecting...three relationships that will require both our efforts and our finances if we want them to thrive.

1. Our hubbies (or wives, for the one guy who may actually read here).

Courting keeps our hearts turned toward the one we love. Never stop dating. Date regularly.

No matter how great our relationships are, there is always room for improvement. Be willing to spend the time and money on books, seminars, etc. that will build up the marital bond.

Time away. Together. The only way to truly assure your spouse that he is more important to you than kids, work, ministry, etc. is to be willing to leave all those things behind (for a weekend or a week) and be alone with him.

2. Our families.

One on one time. Want to turn your child's heart toward you, toward God, toward obedience? Show that child how loved he/she is by investing a couple hours in just being together (with no one else).

Learning time. I believe it's impossible to ever learn all that we need to know about parenting. Raising our children to love and honour God takes practice and lots of learning (on our part and theirs). Again, books and seminars will seldom be a waste of time or money.

3. Our friends.

Friendships require time together in order to grow and stay healthy. While some long-distance friendships may stand the test of time, many quietly fade into something that "once was." Evidence that time together matters. Certainly our marriages, families, work, and ministries require a great deal from us, often leaving little in the way of energy, time, or finances. But a failure to invest in our friendships will eventually reveal itself as those relationships drift.

The beauty of friendship is that it is the one relationship where our financial investment doesn't need to be much. While a spouse will likely grow dissatisfied with "home dates" over the coffee table, a girlfriend never does. Time is the key commodity that will keep friends close.

I once heard it said this way... Every 5000 kms or so, we make an appointment (or nowadays pull into a line up) for an oil change. We spend time waiting while the work is done, then we spend money to pay for that work. It isn't always easy to sacrifice either the time or the money for that oil change, but we do it. We do it because we know that investing in regular maintenance on our vehicles will help prevent major breakdowns. (And we all know that major breakdowns take a whole LOT of our time and money!) If we put off this investment too long, something inevitably goes wrong.

Aren't our relationships more valuable than our cars?

Solitude

While enjoy moments of quiet and time to myself - such as my quiet time in the mornings or when I'm writing - I am largely a social person. Being with people fills me up, gives me energy, and brings me joy. Even if I'm feeling down and think that I want to hole up in my house, the best cure for a blue mood is a couple hours spent chatting it up with a girlfriend.

I think that's what I miss most about my time leading women's ministry. The fellowship and friendship were wrapped up with the work. Serving God through planning and implementing activities for women was fuel for my extroverted soul. I can't say that I've had much of a social life to speak of in a number of years. But I was incredibly blessed in that my ministry became my social life.

These past months have revealed to me that speaking and writing are completely different from what I have known. They are solitary pursuits. The unfortunate side-effect of this ministry is that I am needing to block off large chunks of time where I "go off the social grid" in order to do what I need to get done. Adjusting to the quiet is not an easy thing. This fall, I have felt loneliness more stark than I've experienced at all since we moved over a year ago.

I write for my blog...alone.

I continue to research and edit my book proposal (albeit very slowly)...alone.

I pray about, research, and prepare for a talk...alone.

I travel to a speaking engagement...alone.

While I believe and have hope that this ministry will eventually grow beyond me, and that there will be a team of women together to plan and pray, write and speak, for this season it's just me. Well, God and me. Don't get me wrong, I love having time with God! (My recent three hour trip to speak was a wonderful time of worship and communion with Him.) Nothing can truly compare, though, to the special connection that happens in friendship with women.

There are, of course, other factors contributing to this loneliness. Appointments, assorted illnesses, nap times, and more have been filling up the few free days I have. My friends have busy lives, too. They've got ministries, jobs, appointments, and illnesses just like me.

You know, I'd really like to tie a neat little bow on this post. End with something about how God is sufficient. And He is. Yet knowing that He is doesn't necessarily fill the void created by all this solitude. So as much as the writer in me wants to give you a conclusion, I can't. At least not today. All I can leave you with is reality. And sometimes reality doesn't wrap a story up in pretty paper, bringing joy and peace and closure. Sometimes reality just leaves you hanging in limbo.

How to be Superwoman (or not), part two

I'm still answering a question posed to me last week. If you haven't yet, go ahead and read part one. Then when you hop back here it won't seem as though I'm starting in the middle of a thought.

Step Three: Make time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

We've all heard it said that people make time for what's important to them. It's true. Writing is important to me, so I tackle it early in the morning before doing much of anything else (besides getting the kids off to school). I won't even start a load of laundry before writing on my blog, because I know that I am far too easily distracted.

I used to give myself "Facebook time" while I ate my lunch, until I realized that I was allowing myself to waste an hour (or more) every day doing nothing! Instead, I now watch BLAST* teaching videos while I eat my lunch. (Just a note, on weekdays I don't eat lunch with the kids. I feed them, and once they're done and into quiet time/nap I sit down for mine.)

Not only do we need to make time for the important stuff and get rid of the time killers, we really need to allow ourselves to become okay with leaving some things undone (whether for today or forever). There are times when my house looks like a sty and I make the kids pull out the "cleanest" jeans from the dirty laundry pile. There are times when my desk looks like a hurricane victim and I will actually choose to throw away some things that could/should be done. I have only been parent helper at school once so far this year, and probably only two or three times last year (whereas some moms - the really good ones who I want to be like when I grow up - are there twice a month). And I have not placed a photo in an album since Megan's birth more than seven years ago. So yeah, I don't do it all! Not at all.

Step Four: Find your own super power.

Each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. ~1 Corinthians 7:7b
Do not neglect your gift... ~1 Timothy 4:14a

I just need to say one more thing about how I get done all that I need to... It's all about personality and giftings! I like to be busy, I thrive on a full schedule, and I function best with my hands full. It's a fine balance between really busy and too busy, but I'd like to think I'm self-aware enough that I usually pick up on the signals that I'm doing too much fairly quickly.

The fact is, I'm a deadline girl and I always have been. Homework assignments, exams, pumping gas, waitressing - all were done best when I was under pressure. Recently, as my schedule began to fill up with Heart to Heart stuff and Logos society things, Pat told me he was excited - excited for me to finally be busy because he knew he'd be fed yummier meals in a tidier house, all while I was actually (finally) getting to work on my book.

Maybe it's not even that I thrive on being busy so much as I am too lazy to be allowed to be idle.

If you're not built like me, then you'll never be the kind of non-Superwoman I am. Each of us needs to find our own super powers. If you do best with the slow and steady method, that is your super power. Work with it. Embrace it. And for goodness sake, tell me how you always seem to be so calm, cool, and collected!

Lynne, Bobbie, does this answer your question? I know I didn't include a daily schedule for you Bobbie, but I'm hoping this gives a pretty clear picture. Does it? Thanks for asking! (I can feel my brain beginning to click again.)


* If you are pursuing a ministry in speaking and writing, and BLAST catches your interest - definitely DO IT! The learning has been invaluable. And if you register, make sure you let Shannon (Ethridge) know I sent you, and she'll give me a bit of a discount on my tuition. ;)

How to be Superwoman (or not), part one

In my Just Ask post last week, Lynne posed the question:
How do you get everything done for your family, not neglect your relationship with God, and find time to write too?

Bobbie's question was similar:
I have a general question but want specific answers.... How do you do it all? I mean, really, HOW do you do it all? What practical things do you do every day to fit in all that you've got going on? What does a few of your daily schedules look like? Do you use the crock pot to cook dinner a lot? Are you super organized? I need tips to be more productive in my own life!

So I figured it would be helpful share my four-step tutorial on How to be Superwoman (or not). Because I prefer to use more words than necessary, I'll split this into two posts. You'll thank me later.

Step One: Never neglect time with God.

I delight in Your decrees; I will not neglect Your Word. ~Psalm 119:16
Okay, that's not to say that I never neglect time with God. But I shouldn't. And neither should you. Know what I mean?

In my world, experiencing quiet time cannot occur if children are awake. And given my bent toward complete and utter couch vegetation after they're tucked in for the evening, the twilight hours are ruled out. By process of elimination, I've found that my relationship with God is best fostered in the wee hours of the morning.

A number of years ago I started rising an hour before the kids so that I would have enough time for coffee, prayer, listening, Bible study, Bible reading, Scripture memory, and worship. No, I don't do all of those things every morning! But I do probably tackle each of them once or twice over a two-week period.

I also don't view my quiet time as my only time of day to be in relationship with the Lord. He and I converse throughout the day. If I'm unsure about making a certain purchase while out grocery shopping, I ask God. If I am running late for an appointment but make it on time anyway thanks to low traffic and lots of green lights, I thank Him. If I have six million things on my "to do" list that day, I ask God where to start, and what to do next all day. Whatever doesn't get done, I trust is something that He didn't need me to take care of that day.

If you ever hear me being frazzled, flustered, or stressed, you can pretty much be assured that I've forgotten step one. The tough thing for me is that all of my secrets are revealed in my writing. Although, the knowledge that you will be able to tell when I'm not in close fellowship with my Abba is a pretty good accountability tool!

Step Two: Schedule, schedule, schedule.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~Proverbs 31:27
I like to feel organized. I didn't say that I am organized, but I like to feel as though I am. One thing that helps me is to schedule everything that I can.

Social life - While building friendships is very important to me (and also one thing God has called me to do), I tend to be very particular about how I make and take time to do so. If we're going to have coffee and a visit together, we will often email back and forth a few times to schedule a date and time - frequently up to two weeks away. But when I make these dates, I commit to myself to keep them (I really, really try not to cancel). Things like girls' night out, home parties, and so on only happen for me a couple times a year. It's worth saying that I have great friends who understand my priorities and my calling. I pray that they can say the same of me.

Marriage - I book a date night roughly every second weekend (on paydays). This has been an integral part of our marriage for several years. I also try to schedule my "work" during the day, so that my evenings are free to hang out with my man. I like to sit on the couch reading a good book next to him as he watches the hockey game. (Really, there is only so much hockey a girl can take! Even a Canadian one.)

Household duties - I used to try to get all my housework done on one day of the week. A grueling five-hour day of utter exhaustion. This house is too big for that, and the laundry far too demanding! We've recently begun doing the house cleaning as a family on the weekends, and I am really enjoying it! We tend to be homebodies on the weekends anyway, so it's not cutting into anything, and everyone seems to enjoy working together. I haven't fine-tuned the laundry thing yet, but so far it seems to be working well to simply toss in a load whenever I pass by the machines. The kids all put away their own laundry (well, put away is used very loosely).

When it comes to meals, I do best with a meal plan. Having a monthly meal plan helps me know what are the essential purchases, what meat to pull out of the freezer in the morning (or the night before), and how much prep time I'll need. Planning meals means I can decide which days require crock pot cooking in advance (activity nights) and which days I can do something bigger. I must confess that I have been lacking a meal plan for months now. The unfortunate solution has been too much eating out and too many dinners of kid fare (mini pizzas, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.).

Family time - Busy or not, it's hard to get quality time together with a family of seven. So we try to get our time where we can... Family movie night, swimming, skating, walking the dog, going to the playground (neither of those last two really happens for 8 months of the year).

Pat and I also try to take individual dates with each child once or twice over the course of the school year. What works for me is to "blitz" them - I email Pat with four occasions (we don't really need to take Kai out yet) that all occur within two weeks. I try to combine our date nights with things that need to get done anyway. For example, I'll take someone for dinner and then we'll grocery shop together.

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Pop back here tomorrow, and I'll conclude my answer to Lynne and Bobbie's question with steps three and four on How to be Superwoman (or not).

Conversations with God

I recently mentioned that I am feeling pretty busy these days, perhaps too busy. I have been thinking that something needs to go, and have been spending a fair amount of time contemplating which good thing I should let go of. After much thought and discussion, I thought I had it figured out. Everyone I talked to about it was in agreement. But there was one vital step in this decision-making process that I had left out, and one friend reminded me - ask God! (Thanks, Bobbie.)

Yes, really, I somehow forgot about asking God what He wants me to be doing.

(I should note that I have never "heard" God speak to me audibly. God's part in our conversation is usually more like an impression of what He is saying in my heart. And after I "hear" Him speak to my heart, I look to His Word for confirmation of what I sense Him saying in my spirit. Often, to help me hear more clearly, I write out our conversation as it happens - both my thoughts and questions and God's answers.

For the record, I've been wrong more than once. While the initial discovery that I had heard God incorrectly was disheartening, I have learned that this is a warning sign for me - a caution that I have not been in fellowship with Him the way I should be. More often than not, though, when I am submitted to His will over my wishes, I believe I have heard right. And stepping out in obedience to what He has called me to do has brought peace, joy, and many blessings.)

Here's how my conversation with God went this morning...

Lord, please help me to put aside my own will, my own desires, and speak to me about what You want for me. Am I supposed to step away from this area of ministry that I signed up for?

I have called you (and everyone) to serve Me in three ways: at home, in your local church, and through a ministry or mission that reaches out beyond the walls of the church. Are you doing all of these?

(I find that God often answers my questions by asking me questions. I'm more of a "get to the point" kinda girl. But who am I to question His methods?!)

I am, Lord. But I feel as though I went ahead with a couple things without consulting You and that I was motivated by selfish reasons.

Do everything as if you are serving Me and Me alone.

I waited, pondered, and tried to quiet my own thoughts to hear more. (Because there must be more than just that!)

Lord?

(At this point I'm pretty sure I sensed a heavenly chuckle, like the one I give my kids when I've answered their questions yet they ask again.)

Father, I don't know what to do. Do I step back from women's ministry at the church? Do I step away from the Logos board? Do you want me to stick with all of them?

Honor your commitments, for this will glorify My Name.

Before I even formed my next question...

You do have enough time. It is none these things that causes you to be busy.

I know He's talking about my chosen form of "relaxation" and "entertainment" during the day - facebook.

But Lord, what about this urge I have to build real, true, deep relationships? What about making our home a place of welcome? Having coffee with friends? Inviting families for dinner? Offering to watch friends' children?

Yes? (I feel like He's slightly sarcastic at this point, "And your question is???")

Well, how do I do it all?

You don't. I do. Be with Me, immerse yourself in My Word, and whenever you feel Me nudge you, act on it. Joyfully.

And I realize what the true problem is. I'm not so busy. But I've had a poor attitude. These new things I'm involved in tap into my time in a different way. They mean I have less "down time" than I've grown accustomed to this past year. And I've resented that. How can I serve with joy when I'm feeling selfish with my time. My time, ha! Time is not mine, but His. It occurs to me how selfish I've been in using His time this fall.

I'm sorry, Lord.

I know. It's okay. Everyone loses their way now and then. But now that you have found your way again, walk in it with joy, serving with the fullness of all the gifts I have given you. Don't forget to check in with me throughout your days; if you are listening, you will hear Me tell you when to turn to the left or the right, when to move ahead and when to stay still.

Then, it felt as though God gave me a little gift. A reminder of what stirs up my passion. Women - fellowshipping together, being real and intimate, building strong friendships, growing deep in their faith, taking time away with God and one another to do these things. My first love, seven-ish years ago, was to plan a women's retreat. Something I had thought of at the first church we attended here, yet it had not crossed my mind at this new church.

It occurs to me that perhaps I've been less-than-joyful about some of the things I'm involved in simply because they're not where my passion lies and I haven't really been serving within my gifts. Ironic, considering that I "preach" serving within your gifts to virtually everyone I meet.

So with a smile on my face and a lightness to my step, I will go about His business today. And maybe, if He says to go for it, I'll just have to send a little email asking about the possibility of returning to my first love and planning a retreat... But first, I think I need to get on facebook and delete those little applications that tempt me to while away His time.

What is God talking to you about lately?

Deficient

Not for the first time, I am pondering the words of James 1:2-4. This time, though, I heard them quoted from the Message.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

What jumps out at you from this passage?

For me, the word "deficient" leaps off the page. In life, in faith, in all things, the LAST thing I want to be is deficient, insufficient, or less-than. It would seem that my best defense against being found lacking is to allow the difficulties of this life do their work, to not try to get out of trials, and to allow them to make me mature and well-developed. I don't know if, in the midst of things, I would consider pressure and hardship a gift. Yet after the fact, I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am without having had certain unpleasant life experiences.

Without a special needs child, I would have little compassion for the pain, heartache, and utter exhaustion so many parents are walking through. Because I had to fight, research, and advocate for Braeden, I feel equipped to help and encourage other parents to ask for what they need.

Had I not walked through the valley of the shadow of depression, I suspect I would be unsympathetic (and even judgemental) of others in need of counselling and medication to treat their mental health issues. Instead, I find my heart burdened to pray for my friends caught in the mire of emotional anguish.

If I had not been a teenage disaster, not experienced the loss of two pregnancies, not been a fatherless girl desperate for a man to love me, if I had not had times of plenty and times of very little, and not had empty and angry painful years in my marriage... Who would I be? In spite of the pain that each of these experiences caused me, I do not believe I would want do go back and do life again without them. For then I would be a woman who knew not the scandalous grace offered through Christ, the freedom found in offering forgiveness, the love of a Father who never leaves, the beauty of a marriage restored, the bonds of friendships soldered over shared sorrows...

What about you?

Does this version of the passage give you any new insights about your own faith walk? Looking back, can you see how certain trials have shaped and matured you? Are there struggles that you have come through, that you can now genuinely say were a "sheer gift?"

A Couple Life Lessons I'm Learning

To be a good leader: Lead in such a way that those you are leading become empowered and equipped; do your job in such a way that it can be taken over with ease. In other words, work yourself out of a job.

To be a good friend: Love in such a way that shows you are willing to sacrifice personal selfishness for your friends; make yourself indispensable. In other words, work yourself into a lifelong job.

Ministry: When God calls you to a ministry, it becomes etched in your heart. Even without a formal "ministry," you will find yourself ministering. Even if you try, you cannot turn away from the group of people whom God has given you a passion for. Also, ministry should fill you up. If you feel drained, perhaps you and God should have a chat about where you're supposed to be serving. For example, serving in the church nursery is not where I'm supposed to be (the babies and I have all learned that one together!).

Marriage: No matter how long you've been at it, it is always work. It is a constant battle between selfishness and self-sacrifice. Having a good marriage is not easy, you have to invest lots of time and energy to make it good and even more to keep it that way.

Parenting: The only rule that matters is consistency. Love and cuddle consistently, regardless of behaviour. Discipline firmly and consistently for any and all wrong behaviours. Have a consistent schedule, no matter how busy life is. Our kids are programmed to watch for weakness, and they will attack if they see any break in consistency. Also, yelling never really works (each time you yell, you have get louder in order for the little darlings to respond; this equals way too much wasted energy). FYI, parenting makes you tired. I think it's supposed to be that way.

Homemaking: Housework is no fun, but a messy house causes stress and makes it hard to show hospitality. Figure out one or two tasks that make the house look clean and make you feel calm, without having to do the whole cleaning routine. For me, clean floors and an empty sink help me relax and keep me chill if unexpected guests show up.

I'm no expert. In fact, most of the time I find myself failing in several of these areas at once. That's where the lessons get learned - in the failures. Hopefully, I will eventually remember these lessons and be able to stop learning them over and over again.

Tribe

Do you have a tribe?

Imagine if you were in need, think of the people who would rally around you. Those people are your tribe.

I've always thought I had a tribe that consisted of certain people, but I wonder which ones would really be there and stick with me through the worst that life can dish out. I might be surprised to find that my tribe is made up of different people than I expect.

What if you don't have a tribe?

Look at the people around you. God has put you in proximity and relationship with each one of those people for a reason. Take time to get to know those people. Do nice things for them. Listen. Build your own tribe.

Seeing the many people caring for my friends reminded me of the importance of having a tribe. It's amazing to me - their tribe is made up of some people they've only recently met and some who were friends 10 years ago. Men, women, family, friends, co-workers, pastors. They are deeply loved by many. They are loved because they have loved others. They have invested time, energy, prayers, finances, and more into fostering relationships. I don't know if they've ever had an acquaintance - everyone they meet is a friend.

I always tell Deb that I want to be like her when I grow up. Even more so now. To have invested wisely and reap the benefits of all the seeds of love sown - that is what some may call the good life. Relationships make life's hardships bearable. And there is an absolute guarantee that those hardships will come. Your tribe will help you survive.

Do you have a tribe?

In the Trenches Together

Do you have a friend that you would move heaven and earth for if she needed it?

I have a couple people I love so deeply that when they hurt, I hurt.

Last week I spent every waking hour with one of those special women. My home was the ICU waiting room, her friends and family became mine. I fought a few battles on her behalf and dried a few tears. I cracked inappropriate jokes to make her laugh and said curse words to share in her anger and frustration. We spent a week in the trenches together, and it was sad and beautiful all in one breath.

Lots of people are telling me that I'm so great, so sacrificial, such a good friend. But the truth is, I'm not any of those things.

I am not great, I am weak. I offered my weak efforts of encouragement, prayer, grief, and laughter. But so many others came into that place strong - warriors ready to stand and fight, intercede, and more. I was just sitting beside my girlfriend.

I am not sacrificial, I am selfish. I wanted to feel like I was doing something - needed to feel it - so I went. I certainly missed my family this week, but the greater sacrifice was offered by all those who cared for them while I was away. My husband and his dad held down the fort here with 3 school-aged kids and a dog. A kind friend served them dinner one evening. My mom and dad took care of the two little kids, as did two blessed friends during the daytime hours. My father-in-law stood in the school gym watching one child receive an award at school. My parents held down a wailing child as a doctor wove two stitches of thread through a head-gash. While I spend hours in the company of a dear friend, they did all the hard stuff.

I am not a good friend, I am a pathetic friend. So pathetic that I needed to be by her side just as much as she may have needed me there (maybe more). I took my comfort in being there, hands-on, "in the loop." In fact, there are these tiny twinges of feeling as though I'm missing out on something very special now that I am no longer having girlfriend sleepovers every night.

I can't possibly be considered great, sacrificial, or a good friend when I gained so much more than I gave. I gained a deeper, truer, realer (I know, not a word) friendship. I gained a brother and a whole bunch of extended family. I gained perspective on what and who is important. I gained wisdom about planning for the future and protecting our family in the event of crisis. I had the joy of fellowshipping (another non-word) with my old church family. I saw and heard of hundreds of miracles. I got the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes from being appreciated and needed.

It was a blessing to me, this past week. I felt so loved, so needed, so special. I thank you, Deb, for the privilege of being your friend. I am honored that you trusted me to be there with you and advocate for you. Seeing so many people love you and your family made my heart grow. And seeing your husband look at you and your kids with love in his eyes (following several days of unconsciousness) was an exceptional moment in my life. Our God is so big that I cannot possibly fathom it, but by allowing me to share in your first week of a long, long journey you allowed me a glimpse of the Miracle Worker at work. I miss you!

Going on His Strength

I'm sure lots of people haven't noticed my absence this week, but for those few friends who have I thought I'd let you know where I've been.

I am spending my time in an ICU waiting room. My friend's husband was in a serious accident, and I am here with her. Days are long and emotional. Nights are short and restless. The food is, well, hospital food. But the fellowship is blessed, the prayers are anointed, and the humour is bordering on ridiculous.

I have a thousand blog posts stirring in my mind, but limited computer access on a 15-year-old computer. (The above paragraphs took me 8 minutes to type on this sticky, old keyboard.) So they will have to wait until next week to move from my brain to my fingertips.

I ask that you be in prayer for my beautiful friend, Deborah and her family. Andrew's injuries are extensive and he has not yet regained consciousness (accident was Sat AM). The children - 5 of them - are worried and waiting. If you would like to pray specifically and be updated you can become a fan of the facebook page "Pray for Andrew Carpenter" or send me an email to be added to the distribution list. If you want to help the family, you will also find information (on facebook) about how to contribute financially and help keep things afloat for the many months of recovery and rehabilitation.

I'll be back later. Thanks for hanging out on this here blog space with me. Each and every one of you readers is a blessing and an encouragement to me. I love you like I know you!

Stirring up the Embers

There has been a crazy dream stirring up in my heart. The first little spark of that dream appeared several years ago - a hint of things to come. Recently, I have sensed God blowing on the embers and fanning the flame.

Like I said, it's a wild and crazy dream...

You already know about the writing. It's a passion of mine. Writing what I see, feel, hear, and learn makes it real. If it's not written down, chances are it will slip away into the recesses of my mind. I have many stories - a lot of life lived for such a young thang (teehee) - but one particular account has been burning to be told, the anger story (and how God is writing the ending). Once it is permanently etched in the hard drive of my computer, though, I have no doubt that God will blow His wind on other stories. Tales of starting out a young marriage in a faith dichotomy, a young girl looking for love in all the wrong places who eventually finds what she was looking for in the only One who can provide it, walking through post-partum depression and surviving, an ill-equipped and inexperienced "baby" Christian starting a women's ministry that somehow (in spite of her and all because of Him) thrives... There are volumes just waiting to be poured out!

Chronicling God's work on paper (or hard drive), however, is not the only way to get a message out there. Though I resisted, I have long sensed God pulling me to share the message not only through my fingertips, but with my mouth. It is a terrifying prospect, accompanied by many conflicting emotions. Fear of failure. Fear of letting God down. Fear of fumbling so much that the listener can only focus on my ineptitude and doesn't see God's greatness. Fear of being good at it. Fear of growing prideful. Fear of public scrutiny and harsh judgement. Fear of letting all my baggage lay on the ground in front of others. F-E-A-R.

I can let fear win, or - with Christ's strength - I can conquer it. Here are some things that have inspired me to go with the latter:
* When Moses refused God's call and asked Him to send someone else, "The LORD's anger burned against Moses." (Exodus 4:14) I would rather not be the one to incite God's wrath.
* I was told that, when God calls us to "minister to the masses," we have a responsibility to pursue our calling and fine-tune our gifts/talents/abilities so that we can effectively reach a great number of people. (Thanks, Shannon Ethridge.)
* A friend, with similar passions and fears, is walking alongside me. (Having a friend on the journey always makes it easier, doesn't it?)
* A verse was given to me at the time of my greatest doubt. Proverbs 1:21, "At the head of the noisy streets she cries out, in the gateways of the city she makes her speech..."
* A couple other friends are cheering me on: this one, this one, this one, and most importantly - this one.

One tentative step at a time, I will move forward, laying down the kindling, striking the match, then stepping back to let the wind of God to fan the flame.

-----------------------------
On her blog, Lysa TerKeurst (of Proverbs 31 Ministries in North Carolina) is giving away a scholarship for someone to attend the She Speaks conference (scholarship money from Cecil Murphy). She Speaks offers amazing teaching, practice, and peer critique opportunities for speakers, writers, and ministry leaders. On a little side note - if you have those passions in your heart and would like to develop your gifts, you absolutely MUST check it out!

I don't know if God has plans for me to attend that conference this year, but I do know that it cannot be done on my own strength (or finances - my priority for this year is to get my hubby back to Haiti, where his heart was left last fall). So I'm adding this post to the long list of women who would love to attend She Speaks, and leaving it in His hands. Trusting, too, that if He provides the scholarship He will also (somehow) provide the flight. And if not, resting assured that this step is not His next step for me.

MIRL

M - meet
I - in
R - real
L - life

This handy little blogger term is used when you get to meet someone face-to-face whom you've only known through blogging/ email/ etc.

You may have noticed that I got to MIRL Beth Moore this weekend. And yes, that was in Houston right at her very own home church. For the past year, a bunch of girls who follow the LPM blog have been memorizing Scripture. This past weekend was our celebration event. I even got to meet some new friends. (Pictures coming someday soon...maybe.)

But there was an event this week that had me even more excited than Beth... After more than a year of correspondence via email, I had the opportunity to meet my dear blog friend (and book editor), Bobbie! Not only did we meet and hang out a bit, she and her hubby (and their dog) opened up their home to us. They took yesterday off work to play tour guide (read: that's why I was way too busy to blog yesterday). And they have been feeding us some of the most delicious, most fattening, most amazing food known to man!

So, without further ado, a picture of us girls having fun... (So sorry if you can't really see our faces, but it was the most gorgeous, sun-shiney day out and hardly any pictures turned out. But who cares - too much fun was had! I got to visit the antique district, see the levy, eat at Cane's Chicken, visit a plantation, drive around all day talking to a good friend, eat more deep-fried goodness for dinner, and sleep in the most comfy bed with the friendliest guard dog.)



This is us at the Rosedown Plantation. I cannot wrap my head around the rich history of the south. (FYI, we're no longer in Houston - I say we because Pat is actually with me, even though I forgot to mention that fact earlier - but are in the bayou of Louisiana. Today, we are on our way to a little overnighter in New Orleans. Or N'Orlens, as the locals say it.)

See ya'll later! :)

On the Loose

I am almost off for an evening away with a girlfriend. By the time you read this I will be off (she doesn't know where she's going or who she's meeting, so I scheduled this to pop up after I know she's gone -you know?). As soon as I get home tomorrow, Pat and I are sneaking off for a night. We'll go to his work Christmas party, then enjoy the luxury of sleeping in the next morning. (Yay, Grandma! Have fun at 6am.)

So far this morning I have:
- washed, dried, folded, and put away three loads of laundry
- had my chimney cleaned (unrelated, but it was scheduled for this morning)
- grocery shopped for snacks and quick foods
- packed for one night, stacked packing for the next night
- put tonight's dinner in the crock pot
- fed two children lunch
- taken out the garbage and recycling
- cleaned up 400 mounds of dog doo
- paid bills
- and paced anxiously waiting for the sitter to arrive (who, as I write this, is not yet due for another hour).

If you've never taken a night away with a girlfriend, you totally should. It's almost naughty how free you feel!

If you've never taken a night away with your hubby, you should do that one first. :) Just 24 hours of escape from the day-to-day can bring month's worth of refreshing to a marriage.

And if you ever have the blessed opportunity to do both in one weekend, be sure to thank the Lord and not take one moment for granted. Because time away - it is a blessing.

Anyone know how it is that on any normal day it would take every waking moment to complete that list of tasks? Really, getting away is good for the whole family - they've never had such a productive Mommy! :)

Feet First

As a women's ministry leader, I've always had a heart for women who feel like they just don't "fit." I've spent many hours coffee-ing (I know, that's not a word) with lonely, isolated, broken women. One common theme I've noticed among these women is their heartfelt NEED for fellowship with other women. Which is why I've reached out even when it's inconvenient. Even when the invitation includes four children under the age of six (in addition to my own five), a ridiculous mess in my house, and two dozen hot dogs for lunch. Now don't get me wrong and think I'm some sort of saint - there are a million instances in my memory when I know I should have reached out and I didn't.

You know what else I've noticed? There are two distinct "types" among women seeking fellowship.

Type 1 is sad and lonely, she complains of being sad and lonely, she may even make pleas for friendship in conversation...but she doesn't actually take action. When she meets people she pulls into herself, allows shyness and insecurity take over, and she ends up with no invitations. This woman remains sad and lonely for a long time before someone reaches out and draws her into friendship.

Type 2 is also sad and lonely, feels shy and insecure. But she is different. This woman pushes past her feelings and makes herself do things that are not at all comfortable. She makes conversation when she meets people, even though she has a lump of fear in her throat. Rather than waiting for invitations, she risks rejection and invites near strangers for coffee. She steps out in courage.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
~ Eddie Rickenbacker

In this new and foreign place, I am choosing to be the second type of woman. In spite of the fear, insecurity, discomfort, and ball in the pit of my stomach, I am going to women's groups and reaching out. I am inviting people to my home for coffee and Christmas-sy get-togethers.

Some of the women I meet are saying that I'm brave. The truth is...I am terrified. But the knowledge in my heart that I NEED other women pushes me to do that which I am most afraid of. Because my fear of having no one is stronger than the insecurity and fear of rejection.

Aching Heart

This week, my heart has been wrenched to and fro.

In addition to the surprise on my date night and the blessing at the church staff meeting, I was blessed and honoured at Friendship Factor on Wednesday. You wouldn't believe the trickery of those girls! People who haven't been at FF in over a year were tracked down and invited to take the morning off work so they could attend. (Bless their hearts, several did.)

Nothing is more humbling than feeling really, really loved. Did you know that? I would have thought hearing all these people telling me how great I am (I know they are selectively forgetting the bad stuff right now, but hey) would make me feel prideful and oh-so important. But it just doesn't. It makes me feel a bit shy, a bit confused, and very tender.

I cannot wrap my head and heart around it. It seems only last week I was a just-past-teenage mom with only one friend in the whole world. And these past couple of weeks have shown me that I have more friends than I know what to do with. (You should see my calendar these days as I try to have coffee with everyone I love. I am not getting anything done besides socializing!)

Each blessing I receive just makes the loss more profound. Not that I'm really losing these friends - I know that! I will be back at least once per month, and I will insist that they come my way periodically, and the modern miracle of email will keep us in close touch. But what I am losing is a culture of friendship and fellowship. It's something that took six years to develop, and moving away from this church family is...ouch.

Today I had to take one step further yet. You see, today we chose the woman who will take my position. The only job I've held in six years (besides those of wife and mother). A job that exists because it was on my heart and I asked if I could do it. Frankly, I see this ministry more as my baby than as my job. A baby I laboured over, nurtured, prayed for, and loved with my whole heart. And today, I chose an adoptive mother for my baby. I have just over one week to hold this baby close until it is time to extend my arms to the one who will take over the job of its care. And no matter that I know it is God's will, and it is time, and that it is not only for my good and my family's but for the baby's good as well - the ache in my gut just may kill me.

And as I sit here letting the tears flow freely, I hear a gentle whisper in my soul...

Jehovah-Shammah, the LORD is there. I AM there. I AM in Red Deer with WOW, and I will not let it stumble. I AM in Sherwood Park where you will go, and I will not let you stumble. The name of every city you visit, every church you worship in, every ministry you serve with will be: the LORD is there. (from Ezekial 48:35)

Though the ache remains, I know I will live through it, for He is with me.