Can My Husand Really Be Mr. Mom?

Today is the last in a series of great posts written by eight fantastic and inspiring women. A bittersweet moment - the conclusion of my two week vacation and my return to the online vortex of blogging. How I've missed you! I do hope you've been blessed by what these super cool ladies had to share, and I trust that you've been encourging them with some comment love. {wink} See ya tomorrow!

I tend to consider myself not much of an organized person.  However, when I need to pull out the stops on organizing I can carry my own.  So as this week approached I had some heavy organizing to do.

I had a business trip to make and three children to find a place for if my husband would not be able to get off work for the days I would need to be gone.

I registered Aaron, my 12 yr old and Joel my 9 yr old for Circle Square Ranch which was to start Sunday, the day after I was to leave for my trip.  My 3 yr old Gabriel was excited to find out that he was to be spending his first sleepover at Grandma and Grandpas.  My husband Evan could take care of the pets and hold down the fort.

This left me packing 4 different suitcases going in 4 different locations.  Now I am not sure if you have ever had to do this, but it gets quite complicated.  For example, does your family share toothpaste?  Mine does!  So we needed more tubes!!

I masterminded a plan and everything looked to be in place.  Now all it needed was to go off without a hitch.  Problem?  I was leaving BEFORE the plan was to be in motion.  This meant my husband had to step into my shoes and fulfill the script I had written.  I wrote notes and talked...a lot even though I knew half the time I probably sounded like Charlie Browns teacher!  I stressed a bit as I just wanted everything to go well.  I was counting on my family to make mommy being gone as painless as possible.  I am not sure how many times I said 'and this note is for...”

As I tried to cover every base I could think of to make sure my husband would be as close to what I would do as possible, something hit me.

Jesus wants us to be just like Him.  He wants us to do what He would do.  God gave us His word to make sure that we could do just that.  He reminds us we need to read it.  He nudges us we have not looked at His “notes” for awhile.  When Jesus left He told us He was going home to prepare a place for us, but He sent us a helper to make sure we can put His plan in motion.  He went before us and it is up to us to do the work He asks us to do.  We just need to keep referring to Gods Word, the “notes” He left for us.

That left me with two huge lessons.  Number One, Jesus wants me to keep studying His Word and to be more like Him, and Number two, I can worry and stress all I want about leaving my family, but it is not going to make it go any smoother.  I cannot do anything about it once I am 4000 Kilometers away so I might as well just pray about it and ask for peace as HE takes care of my precious kids and husband!

John 14:23-27 is an excellent reminder of this, but my favorite part is verse 27.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Jesus trusted me to do what He asked me to do.  I think I am going to have to trust my Hubby to pull off a Mr. Mom (even though I sometimes believe I am irreplaceable!). 

Have a glorious blessed Day!

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April Klippenstein is married to her husband Evan and and is a mother of three amazing boys ages 12, 9 and 3.  She homeschools her children and manages to balance a career with Mary Kay Cosmetics as a Independent Sales Director and Beauty Consultant.  She is also a writer and speaker when she can fit it in. 

April resides in Eckville, Alberta and dreams of one day being able to complete her first novel, even if she has to wait until the children fly the coop!! 

Expectations in Marriage

Stay tuned for more great posts written by six fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don't forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

A few weeks ago at church Andy and I heard a sermon that both really spoke to us. It was so interesting, and I honestly feel like its changed my vision of our marriage!

When Andy and I first got married it was definitely a challenge adapting to being married, and living with someone. I was 19 years old, and had never lived anywhere but at home. So all of a sudden I was thrown (which I welcomed) into this job of being a wife. The small things and huge differences that at first intrigued me when we were dating, now at times drive me nuts because we're so different. Like night and day.

The first year of marriage was tough; I had to get used to living with someone else, how the other person does dishes, what type of milk to buy, what type of laundry detergent to buy, etc. The reason it was a hard adjustment is because we both came from different families, had different people raising us, and had different things modeled for us.

My aunt gave me a piece of advice before we got married. She said, "Karla, if you ask Andy to do the dishes after supper, and he doesn't do them as soon as you stand up from the dinner table, make sure you remember that he does things differently. You asked him to do the supper dishes. As long as they  are done when you wake up in the morning that is whats important." My skin actually crawls when I think about having a messy, kitchen after supper for the whole night, but my aunt is  right.

How Andy does things is way different than how I may do them. As long as he does eventually do what I ask him to do, and those dishes (or laundry, or vacuuming, or phone calls, or yard work, etc) are done within a timely manner, it doesn't mean he has to do them RIGHT NOW. 

There was a statement in the sermon that I mentioned about that got my attention, and I think Andy's too: The person who I fell in love with was different than some of the expectations that I had formed about marriage while I was growing up. Its not until we got into real life that those expectations were exposed.

That honestly couldn't be more bang on. I have this idea in my head of how my marriage needs to be, and look. I had my parents model (and still modeling) their marriage for me all through growing up, and in my mind the roles that each of them played are the expectations that I have for my marriage. 

The person who I fell in love with was different than some of the expectations that I had formed about marriage while I was growing up. Its not until we got into real life that those expectations were exposed. 

I am not my mom (although we're very much alike) and Andy is not my dad (although they're very much alike), and we do not have the same marriage as our parents.  

We've been married going on 5 years now, and I think that I've learned (but not quite mastered) that if I drop all expectations (and I admit, I do have some pretty high expectations for my dear husband at times) that our marriage and friendship will flow a lot better. As soon as I stop expecting that Andy does everything the way I would do it -- whether that is changing a diaper, cleaning the bathroom, yard work, or cooking supper -- and just let him be himself, we'll learn to get along a little better and fall even deeper in love.

Like I said, its something I'm still working on.  

If you'd like to listen to the sermon, visit this link.
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Karla is a young stay at home mom to her very 2 year old son Eli, and wife to her dear husband Andy. She grew up in a Christian home, and has a passion for worship and people. She also enjoys dance and painting abstract art in her spare time...when she's not doing dishes or folding laundry. Karla blogs at The Hope Family.

Just a Mom, Q & A - installment 2

I received a question for the Just a Mom series via my Facebook page...

I agree with the things in this series......a lot of it has echoed what God has been teaching me.

Once you embrace being more than just a mom, how do you make sure you don't cross over into becoming neglectful of your family? I know moms who are so busy doing good things they love, but their family, no their husbands, suffer. He's the one who ends up being just a dad who works.

Wow, what a great question! To be honest, I'm not sure I'm the best person to answer this question. Remember, I'm an over-committer. But I'll give it a shot.

As a chronic over-committer, I've come to learn a few things about taking on too much. Generally, I can detect the warning signs and slow down before it hits crisis point. Sometimes...not.

Warning Signs:

1. You're a "yes" woman.

Does it pain you to tell someone, "No, I'm sorry. I can't help out with that."??? If you were to measure your response ratio, do the "yes"es outweigh the "no"s? Do you find yourself constantly worrying about letting someone down?

2. You're frozen.

You know that feeling when  you have so much to do that you just don't know where to start? So you do nothing (except maybe mindlessly surf Facebook)? Yeah, that usually means you've got too much on your plate.

3. You're crabby.

Sometimes crabby just means overtired or PMS. But sometimes it can mean too busy. If crabby happens and you catch yourself saying, "I'm never going to get all this done!" it's the second reason.

4. You're told.

Has someone from your inner circle recently told you that you're too busy? Has someone you loved complained that you're too busy? Has your husband been inexplicably grumpy with you, especially when you're leaving the house?

An Ounce of Prevention:

A. Learn to be a "no" woman.

Your default response should be "no." Or at the very least, "Let me take some time to think and pray about it."

Remember that you are not responsible for meeting everyone's needs - you are responsible for meeting your family's needs and for obeying God. And if you agree to do everything, you may actually be stealing someone else's blessing. That's right, because by taking on things you're not called to you are essentially stepping into a calling that belongs to someone else. Stealing from them the blessing of serving.

B. Submit to your husband.

Ouch! That one pinches a bit, doesn't it? God gave your husband the overwhelming responsibility of leading your family. God asked you to be his helper. If your man needs more help, asks for more help, or shows signs that he's feeling overloaded - that's your #1 calling.

I try not to agree to taking on new things without talking to Pat first. (If I'm honest, sometimes I say yes and ask later. But when I do so, I try to start out with an apology for not talking to him first.) If your husband is a part of the decision-making, he's more likely to feel supportive of the things you're taking on.

C. Be in tune with the Spirit.

This is the ultimate way of assuring that you don't take on too much. Being in tune with the Spirit works two ways.

First, the Holy Spirit guides our paths (Proverbs 3:6) and tells us whether to turn to the right or the left (Isaiah 30:21). That way, we sense Him leading us toward a "yes" for certain things.

Second, the Holy Spirit gives us strength (Philippians 4:13), so that when it might seem we have a lot going on - as long as they are things ordained by Him - He can keep us moving forward.

A Pound of Cure:

Though you didn't ask this question, I'm sure you were thinking it (I know I would be)...

What should I do or say if I see a friend who has become too busy and is neglecting her family?

I. Pray.

I know it "feels" like doing nothing, but prayer is the absolute most important thing you can ever do for anyone.

II. Speak the truth in love.

If the right opportunity arises, and if your friendship is such that you can do so without causing permanent damage, and if you have a definite sense that God is nudging you to do so - speak the truth in love.

Love, grace, and understanding must permeate the whole conversation, or your words will fall on deaf ears and a hard heart.

III. Help.

Sure, her busy-ness is of her own making, as are the consequences. But true friends don't judge the motives of others to determine whether or not we should help. True friends help regardless of the motives, decisions, and consequences.

IV. Know when to step away.

True friends try and try beyond the point of exhaustion. But wise women also know when it's time to step back, remove yourself from a situation (or even a relationship), and leave things in God's hands.

You are not responsible for saving her family. You are only responsible to do the things God has called you to do for her and her family. Sometimes, we need to get out of God's way. Sometimes, He isn't able to do the work He needs to in a person's heart until they are alone with only Him for help.

Are you at risk of being "too busy?" Or do you see it in someone you love?

Related Posts:
When You Want to Help Everyone
When You Don't Agree with Your Husband
For the Overworked and Overwhelmed Woman, part one
For the Overworked and Overwhelmed Woman, part two

It's been thirteen whole years, baby!

In honor of our thirteenth wedding anniversary (yesterday), the top thirteen things I admire about my husband.

13. He is so much fun to hang out with. Never a dull moment! (Just this weekend we went tubing behind a boat like we were kids. A few weeks ago we discovered geocaching. We've started camping - for fun. Need I say more?!)

12. His smart-alec sense of humor keeps a smile on my face.

11. He makes his daughters feel beautiful AND smart.

10. He builds up his sons' confidence. He not only teaches them new things and spends guy time with them, but he's quick to let them know he's proud of who they are.

9. He is a gifted encourager, always able to convince people to "keep on keeping on."

8. He is extravagantly generous with his time, his money, and his possessions. If you need help, he's the guy to call.

7. He looks for ways to show love to me, such as buying me a lounge chair for our camping weekend. (It's not his fault the lounge chair didn't end up being all that comfortable, lol.)

6. He watched a chick flick with me last night and didn't make a single smart-alec comment.

5. He vacuums the house nearly every week because he knows it's my least favorite job.

4. He agreed to try Weight Watchers with me, even though the meetings are nerdy.

3. He's handy around the house and can fix up most everything that breaks down.

2. He loves God and is always looking for ways to grow spiritually.

1. He is the hardest working, most passionate, unselfish guy I know. If he's going to commit to something, he goes all the way with it. (Which is why he's so deserving of the promotion he got on Friday!

And, here are a few camping photos. Just because. (Apparently I did not pull out my camera or my phone while at the actual campsite. So here are some photos from the beach.)

Click to enlarge. If you are receiving this post via email, you may need to visit my blog in order to see all the photos.

Wrestling with God for my Broken Marriage

When folks ask about my marriage, I usually tell them, “I’ve been married nearly twelve years, the last five or so happily.”  

Lest you think it’s all rainbows and puppy dogs around here – happily does not mean blissfully. We’ve still got our issues. But those first five years…the only word that truly captures their essence is miserable. (Now, you’re thinking that five plus five only equals ten; those two years in-between are what I fondly refer to as the wrestling years.)

Here’s a little background for you: 

I accepted Christ as a little girl, and renewed my commitment to Him each summer at Bible camp, but I lived through the school year no different than my unbelieving classmates and friends. 

Living my life as I did, it’s not really a surprise that I found myself pregnant at nineteen. Unlike many teen moms, I was lucky to be dating a guy that planned to stick by my side. As most of you parents probably know, there’s nothing like having a child to bring someone back to their faith. 

Enter five years of misery… 

My husband tried to be supportive of my faith. He didn’t complain about me taking our son to church. In fact, I think he appreciated the silent morning of sleeping in each week. We had a church wedding. He agreed to it because it was important to me. My faith was okay, as long as it didn’t affect him. 

Honestly, I think that he tried to be a good husband to me. I know he wanted to please me and make me happy. But I couldn’t be pleased. Instead, I picked and prodded, begged and cajoled, fighting for him to join us at church on Sunday mornings. And as I grew in my walk with the Lord and was convicted of my sin, I decided to act as the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life, convicting him of all his sinful ways.

They say that women go into marriage thinking of all the ways they can change their men, and men go into marriage hoping that their wives never change at all. 

The change in me was probably a frightening sight to observe. I shifted from liberal thinking to deeply black-and-white conservative. I jumped from wild and free living to rigid, rule-driven, legalistic, and judgemental. And all this with a husband who was raised to believe that Christians are all brainwashed, and their goal in life is to brainwash others. 

The turning point for me was the day my husband packed his bags. He had overheard me praying on the phone with a friend. The praying was, let’s say, a little bit charismatic. He was freaked out! Who can blame him? 

I had an epiphany in that moment. I knew, without a doubt, that there was no way I could change my husband. There was no way I could make him happy. There was no way he could bring me satisfaction. I could not change him or fix him or save him. I could not save my marriage. 

All of those things were under God’s area of responsibility. The only tasks placed under my care were: love my husband and obey God. 

In an instant, I was released from my misery. My husband was released from my tyranny. I stopped wrestling within my marriage and began wrestling with God. 

I would grab on tight and cry out, Lord, save my marriage!

            He assured me, Trust me, your marriage is in My hands.

I dug in hard and prayed, God, reveal Yourself to my husband!

            He soothed me, I will, I am, through you and your obedience. 

When I felt pinned, I would ask God, Why don’t you change him?

            He replied, Why don’t you let Me change you? 

When I felt like I was being attacked by a tag-team I would wail, But God, it’s not fair! I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be happy!

            He answered, Find your happiness in Me. 

I would be mad and storm around the house, thinking to myself how I was NOT going to do his laundry. And God would tell me to serve my husband. 

I would be hurt and determined that I had to speak my mind. And God would tell me to shut my mouth. (I cannot count the number of times God had to tell me to shut up!)

I would be lonely and depressed, entertaining fantasies of divorce or death, and then doing things the right way with a Christian husband. And God would tell me that the right way was to honor the husband I was given. 

I wrestled and struggled, crying out, I will not let go until You bless me! 

My husband began to attend church with us occasionally. Then more regularly. He agreed to attend a church-led marriage retreat. He agreed to join a home group through the church.

He was baptized on February 29^th, 2004. He went on short-term missions trips to Haiti in the falls of 2009 and 2010. He has served in our church with the youth, the children, and the men.  

My husband is the Christian husband I prayed for. He is a man of prayer. He is man of integrity. He is a man of faith. He is the spiritual leader in our home. 

In a little over two weeks, I will be celebrating my twelfth anniversary. Twelve years married, the last five or so happily. Every single moment held in the hands of a loving Father.


* This post was originally published as a guest post for Angela Mackey's Wrestling with God series on Rethinking My Thinking.

This post has been linked up to Sheila Wray Gregoire's Wifey Wednesday series on To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.

When You Don't Agree with Your Husband

There have been times in my life when I've found myself confused (surprise, surprise).

We're supposed to love and serve God first, then our husbands, then our children, and so on... But what happens when those things conflict? Then what do we do? Who do we follow?

Here's a practical example for you. Early in our marriage, I was attending Church and (tepidly) following the Lord. Pat wasn't there yet - he wasn't sure about all that 'religious' stuff. I sat in on a powerful sermon about tithing, and felt called to obedience by it. But the money in our account wasn't put there by me, and we had always agreed that expenses over a certain amount needed to be unanimous. To say that Pat wasn't particularly excited about my idea of giving a significant portion of his earnings to a church he seldom attended is an understatement.

So what was a girl to do? For weeks I obsessed over this - obey God's Word and defy my husband? Honor my husband and disobey God? I did eventually work this out...I found other ways to tithe (of my time and talents) and waited for God to work out the money thing...which he has.
Every now and then, someone asks me about a similar situation. I can look up some handy scripture references for them (Ephesians 5:22-24, I Peter 3:1-5), but it can be so difficult to explain in a way that makes sense!

So, for anyone who's ever asked that question - married or not, in a Christian marriage, unequally yoked - anyone who's ever wondered how to make sense of the confusion, here is a fantastic analogy that illustrates what God is calling us to (as Christian women, wives, mothers).

courtesy of shadowhelm.net

Imagine a team of dogs pulling a sled over the snowy plains of Alaska. All of a sudden the Master says, “Turn right.” But the lead dog turns left and the others follow. So the Master stops the team, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his little face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he gets back in and off they go. Again, the Master says. “Turn right.” But again the lead dog turns left.

Well this time the dog behind him turns right like the Master said but in the process creates chaos. So the Master stops the sled, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he walks to the next dog that obeyed his command to turn right shakes her little face and says, “I told you to follow the lead dog.”

Get it? Your husband is the Lead Dog. Your job is to follow the Lead Dog because that is what the Master really wants.

This story was originally posted on my friend Jenny's blog.

* a re-post from the archives *

Internet Buddies

I have made some of the best friendships long distance! Some women I've met through their blogs and don't yet know in person, some bloggers whom I've had the privilege to meet, and others whose paths I've crossed at conferences and such.

Angela is a friend I met a She Speaks last year, and I thank God for bringing us together on the final eve of the conference. We've made a real heart connection over email this year, and even had a whole morning encouraging one another on Skype. Her ministry is growing beautifully, and I'm so excited for what God is going to do through her!

Today, I have the honor of sharing a post over on her blog, Rethinking My Thinking. It's a part of her series on Wrestling with God - the marriage part. I pray that my story encourages you. You can read it here.

While you're there, please say "Hi!" to Ang and take some time to read a few of her posts. I know you'll be blessed.

Christianity hates women and so do I

I often reply to your comments via email. I like to engage in conversation with you and answer your questions. I enjoy the dialogue. Recently, I received a comment that requires a different response. In reply to that comment, I have crafted a brief monologue.

If you need to get some context before reading, the post that the comment appeared on is Never Say No.

The anonymous commenter said, Christianity is such a misogynistic religion and the women are so brainwashed to be a doormat to their husbands even to the point of humiliation. Ugh.

mi-sog-y-ny (mi-soj-uh-nee), noun - hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women

(Dear reader - this definition was more for my benefit than yours. I had to look it up to be sure of the meaning!)


courtesy of ellepyke.blogspot.com

 Here is my reply...



Dear Anonymous,


Taken out of context or read by an unbelieving reader, any words written by a Christian can be twisted around. (In fact, that's true of any written or spoken word.) It would appear that you have taken my words out of context - the contextual background being a shared faith in Christ.

The fact is, my post said NOTHING about being brainwashed, being a doormat, or being humiliated. My post was written from the perspective of a regular women in a regular marriage, and suggesting that we regular women have a CHOICE to make. We can choose to love our husbands in a way that makes them feel loved, or we can choose to reject them.

If a woman were in an abusive relationship, where her husband was asking her to participate in humiliating sexual acts, my advice would be quite different. I don't condone abuse and would never encourage a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, let alone to participate in anything that causes her to feel humiliated.

The assumption is that the average married woman feels no shame in making love with her husband. The assumption is that the average married woman desires to have a great (as opposed to average) marriage. The assumption is the average married Christian woman recognizes that, by focusing on changing her own negative patterns (rather than on wishing her husband would change his), she holds the power of change in her hands.

In fact, in taking control of her choices about their intimate relationship, the Christian wife is the complete opposite of brainwashed. She is fully in control, having more influence than ever over the state of their marital relationship. She is the opposite of a doormat. Doormats shrink away from challenges and let themselves be walked on, but she rises to the new challenge of improving her marriage by taking action. She is the opposite of humiliated. Rather, she now feels empowered and has a sense of pride.

As for Christianity being misogynistic, I'd say it's quite the opposite. The Christian faith doesn't say "hate women, degrade women, treat women as second class." The Christian faith preaches love - love for God and love for your neighbour. (I'll be the first to admit that most Christians are not perfect at this. Which is exactly why we stand in need of a Saviour to rescue us from our own evil nature.)

I would like to propose that the Christian faith is, in fact, pro-woman. The Bible is filled with accounts of strong, Godly women changing the world. Esther, Rahab, Mary, Ruth, to name a few. The gift that is given to us when God created us is difference - we are each unique. The world would have you convinced that everyone is the same (they use the word 'equal') and should be treated the same. The Bible, on the other hand, says that we are each unique and should be treated as such. I, for one, appreciate a faith system where I am recognized for me - my own unique strengths and abilities, my own genetic makeup - rather than assumed to be just the same as all the rest.

You, my anonymous friend, don't have to believe this. You don't have to agree with me. I won't be trying to force you, brainwash you, or humiliate you into accepting my faith. Christianity is a choice. Each one of us has the power to choose to believe or not. I would encourage you to exercise your right to choose. But, just as the woman who chooses to reject her husband's advances will remain sad, lonely, and unempowered in her marriage, those who choose to reject Christ will remain unhappy and dissatisfied in their lives.

Before I bid you farewell, I want to be clear that I will not argue my faith on this blog. I believe in Christ and anyone stopping by here can recognize that fact in an instant. You are free to disagree with me; however, insults will not be tolerated. If you feel such strong hatred for the things I believe, my suggestion to you would be to find another blog to read. I write here to encourage Christian women in their walks with God, to help them build their faith and to be the women, wives, and mothers God calls them to be. My purpose is not (and never will be) to debate Christianity.
 
As well, might I encourage you to put some credibility behind your opinions by not hiding behind the veil of anonymity? When a comment such as yours is posted anonymously, its intent is clearly to stir up dissension rather than to engage in conversation. I am open to having a conversation with you about my faith and how it differs from yours, but I am unwilling to engage in an insult-throwing exchange.
 
That said, for future reference, any anonymous comments that are disrespectful, contentious, or insulting will be deleted. As I said, my purpose here is not to debate, and my readers do not come here to be insulted by mysterious commenters. This is not to say I will delete comments that disagree with my point of view. If you have the courage to put your name beside your comment, and you have the ability to share your point of view without being denigrating, I am glad to engage in dialogue with you. I'm sure my readers will be, too.
 
While the comments on this post are open, and I am certainly expecting to see words left by those who disagree, let me reiterate that there is a way to disagree without being unkind or insulting. And those words left by real people with real names and faces will be treated with the respect due any person.
 
Thanks for hanging in there for my monologue. Now, let's let the conversation begin. :)
 
P.S. My statements about Christianity being freeing, about Christian wives having great power and influence, about making choices putting us in control - those are not ideas found in some book or simply Biblical platitudes. Those are factual truths evidenced in my own life.
 
Being treated as unique rather than 'equal' makes me feel free to be myself rather than trying to fit some mold.
 
Making choices about my sex life causes me to feel powerful, sexy, and much happier than I was when I allowed my emotions to decide for me.
 
And I feel more valued, appreciated, and necessary as a woman in the church than I ever have out in the workforce.
 
The only times I feel like a doormat, feel humiliated, or feel as though someone's trying to brainwash me is when I forget the truths I've learned and instead seek approval and affirmation from the rest of the world.
 
Perhaps that's just me? I don't know, let's ask the readers to weigh in...
 
Is your faith misogynistic, do you feel like a brainwashed and humiliated doormat?

Lead Your Heart

"Follow your heart." We've all heard it before. But the effects I've seen of this heart following are all too often negative - divorce, broken families, adultery, broken trust.

The heart (the emotions) is a fickle thing. We tend to be motivated by what feels good, what makes us happy, by what we believe we deserve. I am so guilty of this! I frequently decide that I am not feeling loved enough by Pat. Maybe I even feel taken for granted. My heart begins to ache a little bit, and I follow it. I follow it right down the path of blame and accusation, dissatisfaction and criticism. Very soon, neither of us is "happy" in our marriage.

So where would we be if I kept on following my heart down that path? Probably in a state so miserable that divorcing and breaking our family apart would seem to be the only path back to happiness.

I believe it is healthier, wiser, and better for the heart if we choose to "lead our hearts." Like I said, emotions can change on a dime (they are not the best compass to follow). How much wiser would it be for us to direct our hearts (our emotions) in the way they should go?

What do I mean? I mean this - regardless of the feelings, we choose to act in ways that reflect what we want to be feeling. We choose to show love regardless of how loving (or not) we are feeling. Come back with me to the place where I'm feeling unloved or taken for granted. I don't have to follow my heart to the pit of despair. No way! I can make a choice, in that very moment, to lead my heart.

For me, leading my heart might look like doing something to show Pat that I love him (even though I am feeling unloved) - even better, doing something to show Pat that I respect him (more on love & respect here and here). It might be forgiving that my work has been taken for granted, and picking up the strewn laundry because I love him. It might look like clamping my mouth shut when all I really want to do is spew and vent how horrible I feel, and praying that God changes my heart (rather than praying that God changes my husband).

The funny thing I've noticed is that when I lead my heart, it doesn't take long before my emotions follow where I want them to go. The feelings of hurt and discontentment ease away. Loving thoughts and feelings work their way back in. I begin to feel "happier" and my actions reflect it. And more often than not, a chain reaction begins. Rather than ending up unhappy and divorced, we end up stronger and more committed.

In The Love Dare it says this: The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that 'the heart is more deceitful than all else' (Jeremiah 17:9), and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment...The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse into the person you want them to be...The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling.

We each have a choice to make. Follow the heart and hope to heaven we find love and feel loved. Or lead the heart and choose to be love and show love.

Never Say No

We wives tend to joke about how our husbands are always in the mood...

It's true. As a general rule, men are more easily turned on than women. A man can come home after a long day at work, catch a glimpse of cleavage while we serve dinner, and he's pretty darn excited.

Us women, on the other hand, are quite the opposite. I mean, we just served dinner. It's a dinner that we prepared and will be cleaning up after. Prior to that dinner we worked, cleaned, planned, refereed. After that dinner we'll be making the bedtime rounds. So the fact that he's excited is actually pretty annoying.

Sound familiar?

Life is busy, and most women (men, too) are flat-out exhausted at the end of the day. It's so easy to tune out, veg out, then roll over and just go to sleep, giving our men the big shut out.

The thing is, if we say no enough times (even if we're not saying it with words), we launch a vicious cycle.

She says no --> He feels rejected --> He begins to isolate --> She feels rejected

The cycle goes round and round until nobody's interested in anything. No sex, no dates, no closeness, no communication.

Years ago, when Pat and I were in the early (and difficult/unhappy/miserable) phase of our marriage, we found ourselves in this cycle of rejection. I felt alone and unloved, so was not interested in doing anything that might make him happy (from turning his laundry right-side-out to fooling around). He felt rejected and unneeded, so he wasn't interested in doing anything that might make me happy (from helping around the house to cuddling with no ulterior motive). We were stuck.

But God did that thing He does. You know - conviction. Everything I was hearing, reading, and watching seemed to be about sex. Heck, it was preached from the pulpit at church! And I read the words of a wise woman (I don't remember who, but I've never forgotten her words)...

I made the decision to never say no again.

She was not only referring to the word "no," but to other ways of communicating unavailability and disinterest. She chose not to avoid his touch (even if at times it bordered on the inappropriate, like grabbing her butt in the kitchen), she chose not to turn her back but to always go to sleep facing him, and she gave her "yes" to her husband every time he was interested.

Some of you are probably thinking, But if I did that I'd never rest! Here are a few questions, then... Do you sleep well after rejecting your husband's advances? Do you sleep well when you feel cold and bitter towards your husband? Do you sleep well when you're going out of your way to avoid him?

I'd like to suggest that your rest would be dramatically improved if you simply removed the word "no" from your vocabulary and your actions.
I haven't said no in years, and our marriage is the best it's ever been! (Not that this is the only factor that's improved our marriage, by any means. And for those who are considering the never say no method, let me put your minds at ease - it is not every. single. day. You can breathe easy.)

Lately, God's been bugging me about the whole "who should initiate" issue. I've always figured it should be a 90/10 split, maybe 80/20 if I'm feeling generous. God seems to be hinting otherwise. So far, I've had my fingers firmly planted in my ears, singing, "La, la, la, I can't hear you!" Conviction is a funny thing, though - it just gets stronger the more you ignore it.

So let me ask you a personal question - What are you telling your man? Does he have your "yes," or is he too often getting your "no?"


Check out To Love, Honor, and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

How to Bring the Romance Back

Sheila is talking about romantic fantasies for Wifey Wednesday (on her blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum) today, and I decided to pipe in with my two cents!

I'll be honest, I'm not too familiar with the phenomenon she's referring to. I can't say that I notice a lot of women mooning over certain celebrities or athletes. What I do notice, though, is a whole lot of women fantasizing over their girlfriends' husbands.

I'm not talking sexual fantasy, but emotional fantasy. I wish my husband would bring me flowers like hers does. Why won't my husband ever watch the kids and give me a day off like hers? Oh, her husband is so spiritual, such a leader - how I long for my husband to be that way.

How about this one: I'm so unhappy in this marriage, but I don't believe in divorce. I wonder what it would be like if my husband were just...gone? If he died, I would be free to marry someone really right for me.

Perhaps that last thought isn't as common as the earlier ones. But it's not as uncommon as you might think.

Here's the deal, friends - the grass may look greener over there on the other side, but in reality the grass is always greenest where it's been fertilized, watered, and mowed. Tending to the lawn takes time, effort, money, attention, and some hard work. If we want our marriages to look like hers - the one who gets flowers and is always smiling and touching - we need to put in the same effort she does. Maybe more.

Here is one small thing we can all do to bring the romance back to our marriages - be his biggest fan.

Cheesy? Maybe a bit. Effective? Absolutely.

How to be his biggest fan:

1. Thank him when he does something around the house. EVEN if it's something that you expect him to do (like taking out the trash). Here's a little Jeff Foxworthy bit that talks about men's need to be appreciated - it's exaggerated, hilarious, and true. (Go ahead and start down at 6:10.)

2. Brag about every sweet thing he does for you to your girlfriends. Eventually, it will get back to him and he'll feel like a superhero.

3. Ask him to help you solve a problem (whether a discipline issue with the kids, something at work, etc.), and actually use his advice.

4. Greet him when he comes in the door! Kiss optional, but recommended.

5. Hang out with him, side-by-side, doing something he enjoys (fishing, fixing the car, watching hockey).

If you're like me, you're probably wondering how the heck this is going to help bring the romance back. You're thinking, Sure, I'll do all that. What's he going to do for me?

Guess what? Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership, where you take turns doing your share and keep score. Good marriages are 100/100. The secret to getting him to give his 100% is deceptively simple. Stop keeping score. Focus on giving your 100% and nothing else.

If you become your man's biggest fan, he will feel valued, appreciated, worthy, and respected. His chest will puff out in pride, because his wife adores him. A man who feels respected and honored is satisfied, filled up, and he will then be ready to pour out. And he will become your romancer.

Here's a great challenge for us wives. (I return to this tool at least once per year, when I need a refresher on being Pat's biggest fan.)

What do you think? Do you believe that your marriage can be transformed by your actions alone? Are you willing to give it a shot?

Don't Put The Kids First

Mothers today are Superwomen and martyrs. The more sacrifices we make, the better we are at our job. While this little rule is more unspoken, the proof of our mindset lies in our standard answer to the question, "How are you?" The response I hear most often from my mom friends isn't "Good" as you'd expect. Nope. Us Supermoms love to be able to say, "Busy!"

Another symptom of Supermom syndrome is the classic phenomenon we refer to as the kids come first. This translates into putting the care, feeding, attention, and activities of the children ahead of one's own needs. However, this phenomenon also frequently translates into putting the children's needs ahead of their Daddy's needs.

Here are three reasons to adjust your family priorities and start putting the kids last...

1. We have but eighteen (or so) short years with each child. With our men, Lord willing, we have a whole lifetime. If all of our time and energy is poured into the children, we will be lost and without purpose when they're gone.

2. Putting your man first is, technically, meeting your children's deepest desire. No one wants you and your husband to stay married more than your children do! Pour your energy into keeping the marriage healthy, and they will be the beneficiaries.

3. Modelling for our children how a healthy marriage works will prepare them to look for and be a good spouse. In a household where Mommy and Daddy's relationship comes first, the children learn how to honour their spouse above all others.

The priorities of the typical Superwoman look something like this:
- Kids, kids, kids
- House
- Friends, family, ministry, work
- Marriage
- Self

The priorities of the "new" Superwoman look a little like this:
- Self (Because I'm worth it!)
- Work
- Kids, house, family, friends, ministry
- Marriage

The priorities of the Godly Superwoman ought to look more like this:
- God
- Marriage
- Kids
- Other relationships (friends, family)
- Other stuff God calls her to (house, work, ministry, self)

Healthy marriages make healthy families. Healthy families build healthy communities and churches. Healthy curches and communities grow healthy cities, countries, and so on.

So I say, if we've got kids, we stop putting them first and instead pour that energy into building up our men and our marriages. We could change the world right from our own living rooms.

Are your priorities in order?

(I know mine need some work...)

Today's Challenge for Wives

Lately, my husband has been doing and saying things that make me feel very loved. Treasured and special.

This got me thinking, what have I done or said lately to make him feel respected? Valued and worthy?

So I issue a challenge to all the wives (myself included) out there. Do something today that makes your man's chest puff up with pride. Let him know how much you respect him.

Are you up for it?

Why not share what you plan to do?

Or come back later to fill us in on what you did? How did he react?

Rescue for a Broken Marriage

I have a friend (more than one, actually) whose marriage feels as though it's about to implode. Trust has been broken too many times, words that cut delivered with every disagreement, and the heartache seems unending.

I've been there. Spent a good five years in that place, in fact. All I have to do is close my eyes and I am instantly transported back to the days of dull, aching, pain in my head, gut, chest, and throat - symptoms of a heart that is breaking over and over again. It's hard for me to recall what we argued over or why we had such a hard time loving, but the feelings that accompanied the trials are never far.

I thank God every day for my husband and our marriage...because for a number of years I never really believed we'd make it. But God knew. And He took each tiny ounce of willingness we offered and grew it exponentially. Today, after eleven and a half years of marriage, I am very much in love and know that I am loved and treasured.

So I do not say this lightly...

My sweet friend, you and you alone have the power to save your marriage from the depths of destruction. The world will tell you that "it takes two," and that "you deserve better," and "sometimes it's better to let go." Your own heart will tell you those same things. But there is something you need to know... The world is lying to you. You heart will deceive you. That feeling of wanting to give up - it's a big, fat lie from the very pit of hell.

It takes only one willing heart to save a doomed marriage. One willing heart that is bowed down in submission and obedience to the One True God.

Here are three things you can do to begin the restorative work in your marriage.

1. Don't believe your feelings. Your feelings will deceive you almost every time. Instead, when you feel hurt, abandoned, betrayed, justified, or angry, stop. Right then and there - step away and stop. Ask God, "What is Your Truth in this situation?" Listen for His answer in your heart and search out His Word for confirmation. Then write down the Truth. When you are tempted to let your emotions take over (we're women, when are we not?), grab that piece of paper and remind yourself of the Truth.

2. Stop trying to make things better. Us women, we want to talk thing through until they're resolved. Men, on the other hand, need to think things through. Alone. We think we need to follow them around, pushing and prying until they will "talk it out." We're wrong. To a man, our path to resolution looks and feels like we are starting a fight. Instead, talk it through with God. Work out those feelings in a letter (one that is destroyed after you're done writing, reading, and re-reading it). Pour it out to a trusted girlfriend - someone who loves you so much that you know she will never hate your husband or encourage you to give up.

3. Communicate your love to him in a way he understands. Not in the way you understand. Read and re-read The Five Love Languages and Love and Respect. Figure out what actions and words communicate to his heart, then use them. And when you feel like you've got nothing left to give, keep doing it. Not for him, not even for yourself, but for Him. Offer all your love to Jesus, and when your husband crosses your path, let it bump into him too. (And not that I need to mention it, but there is one way that almost all men hear "I love you." *wink*)

I can't promise you it will come easily. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But I can promise you this - God has a good plan for you and your life (Jeremiah 29:11), He loves you and your husband (Jeremiah 31:3), and He is for your marriage (Malachi 2:16). While you may be tempted to give up...on your marriage, on your man, on yourself...God will never give up. So give it to Him, let Him fight the battle for you, and all you need to do is walk in obedience. One day at a time.

With just one wiling heart, bent in obedience, God can not only save your marriage, He can restore it completely! (Joel 2:25)


P.S. Lest you think too highly of me, those three things were learned the hard way in my life. Shoot, I have to keep on re-learning them on a daily basis! Especially the part about not following him around trying to make him talk about stuff...

Making Marriage Work

I was going to post about marriage today. The joys, the struggles, and some things I've learned along the way. I'll save that post for another day.

Nothing I have to say today could possibly communicate as well as these posts...

How I See It - Do you sometimes find that you and your kids are caught up in a flurry of work around the house, while your sweet husband enjoys his perch on the couch, remote in hand? Does it make you a wee bit resentful? Yeah, me too. Jen puts it all back into perspective.

Affair proof your mind - Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I wish my husband was more like hers?" Or perhaps taken it a step further and found yourself attracted to a man that's not your man? Lysa offers some pointers on keeping our hearts and minds turned the right way.

Things Worth Investing In

I spend money on a lot of things. Some are necessary - like food, gas for my Suburban (Which, incidentally, cost me $116 to fill this week! Ack!), and so on. Some are unnecessary but enjoyable - like McDonald's, movie rentals, a cute pair of shoes. Some are important, but often get neglected - such as cosmetic repairs around the house. (Man, do we ever need a new coat of paint on these walls!) The same goes for how I spend my time and efforts. Necessary - housework. Enjoyable - TV. Neglected - writing.

Today I'm thinking of the many things that are worth our investment, but are set aside all too often. Three biggies come to mind...three areas that I want to be sure I'm not neglecting...three relationships that will require both our efforts and our finances if we want them to thrive.

1. Our hubbies (or wives, for the one guy who may actually read here).

Courting keeps our hearts turned toward the one we love. Never stop dating. Date regularly.

No matter how great our relationships are, there is always room for improvement. Be willing to spend the time and money on books, seminars, etc. that will build up the marital bond.

Time away. Together. The only way to truly assure your spouse that he is more important to you than kids, work, ministry, etc. is to be willing to leave all those things behind (for a weekend or a week) and be alone with him.

2. Our families.

One on one time. Want to turn your child's heart toward you, toward God, toward obedience? Show that child how loved he/she is by investing a couple hours in just being together (with no one else).

Learning time. I believe it's impossible to ever learn all that we need to know about parenting. Raising our children to love and honour God takes practice and lots of learning (on our part and theirs). Again, books and seminars will seldom be a waste of time or money.

3. Our friends.

Friendships require time together in order to grow and stay healthy. While some long-distance friendships may stand the test of time, many quietly fade into something that "once was." Evidence that time together matters. Certainly our marriages, families, work, and ministries require a great deal from us, often leaving little in the way of energy, time, or finances. But a failure to invest in our friendships will eventually reveal itself as those relationships drift.

The beauty of friendship is that it is the one relationship where our financial investment doesn't need to be much. While a spouse will likely grow dissatisfied with "home dates" over the coffee table, a girlfriend never does. Time is the key commodity that will keep friends close.

I once heard it said this way... Every 5000 kms or so, we make an appointment (or nowadays pull into a line up) for an oil change. We spend time waiting while the work is done, then we spend money to pay for that work. It isn't always easy to sacrifice either the time or the money for that oil change, but we do it. We do it because we know that investing in regular maintenance on our vehicles will help prevent major breakdowns. (And we all know that major breakdowns take a whole LOT of our time and money!) If we put off this investment too long, something inevitably goes wrong.

Aren't our relationships more valuable than our cars?

Respect equals Love

My man was only gone for twelve days, but in that time it seems I found my groove. Apparently I don't like people messing with my groove.

Here are a few notes for myself, based on lessons I'm relearning this weekend.

1. Do not interrupt, interfere, or interject in any way when your husband is disciplining the children. Even if he's not doing it your way. Even if you think he's overreacting.

Your children will benefit more from seeing their parents as a united front than they will from you championing their cause.

2. Do not interrupt, interfere, or interject in any way when your husband is doing household tasks. Even if he's not doing it your way. Even if you think his way won't work.

Your man will not want to do things around the house if he feels criticised.

3. If you mess up and do either #1 or #2 (or both, repeatedly), do be quick to apologize and ask forgiveness. It never hurts to show how sorry you are by offering up a token of love (bring him a snack, watch hockey with him without complaining, give him hugs and kisses).

It is so easy to forget that the best way I can communicate my love to my man is by respecting him. This means trusting him to do things his way and then thanking him for taking care of it. This means practicing the fine art of keeping my mouth closed. This means remembering that we are a team, and he is the team captain.

I am so very glad that he is home! It is a relief to know that there is a partner here to share the burden of parenting and household maintenance. But I fear I did a crummy job of showing that appreciation this weekend. Perhaps I can erase a few of my foolish comments with a yummy dinner tonight. Probably one that does not contain any form of rice or beans.

...and the wife must respect her husband.
~ Ephesians 5:33b

What about you? Is there something you have done lately that speaks disrespect to your man? What can you do to show him that he is respected and appreciated?

Stop Trying to be Good

This year, as I seek to become consecrated for God and His purposes, many of my posts have taken the bent of "Am I good enough?" or "Is my life good enough?" and even "Good Enough isn't Good Enough!" Just the other night, I was having a conversation with Pat about this very thing - venting my frustration at the lack of any huge, noticeable change in my life and in the life of our family.

Pat's a good husband, so he let me go on for quite a while (he knows that sometimes I need to "talk it through" before I get to the part that makes any sense). At one point, he interjected and cautioned me. He reminded me that none of us can be good enough by trying harder, especially in our own strength. I'm not always the best wife, so I argued my point (I really like to be right) talking of things such as obedience, spiritual disciplines, and so on.

I don't say this very often...Pat, you were right. (And no, you may not print this off and frame it!)

Yes, the spiritual disciplines are important (reading the Bible, prayer, memorizing Scripture). Yes, obedience is of great consequence. But if these things are not done out of a soul-deep love of Jesus, the result will often be disappointment, frustration, and failure.

I want to be holy, but not holier-than-thou. I want to be righteous, but do not have to be right all the time. So I am going to stop trying to be good, or even good enough. I am going to stop expecting that of my family. Instead, I am going to return to my first love and let my heart be filled up with worship. Changed by adoration. Renewed with love. Consecrated by devotion. A transformation that will not fail.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~2 Corinthians 3:18

Easy to Forget

It's easy to forget to pay attention to the little details of life, especially when things are going smoothly.

The marriage has been happy and comfortable with no major conflict. Wife feels well loved, husband feels respected. There's nothing to "work" on, so they take a break from working on things and sit back to enjoy the season of contentment.

Children have been well-behaved, obedient, respectful, and loving toward one another. It's easy to let one little incident of disrespect slide...after all, s/he has been so good lately that it seems over the top to discipline that one little slip up.

Finances, spiritual life, friendships - same story. Being good stewards of the gifts God has given us can take a lot of work (it can be downright exhausting), so after periods of hard work all we really want to do is take a rest. During seasons of relative harmony, we let don our guard and become less vigilant about maintaining the standard. It only takes a short period of time before struggles arise. It can feel so sudden - out of nowhere, even.

Imagine that you own a precious, priceless, astounding piece of jewelry. Or an invaluable historical document (think "National Treasure"). You have hired someone to guard what is precious to you, so that it does not get lost, stolen, or damaged. The unthinkable happens. Your treasure is gone!

Understandably upset, you ask your security guard how this possibly could have happened? The guard tells you that things had been going so well...there were no robbery attempts, nothing was amiss, things seemed so peaceful...so your guard simply took the day off. After all, the guard had worked so hard for so long to protect your treasure - a break was certainly deserved.

The logic doesn't stand so well anymore, does it?

God has given each one of us things to guard on His behalf - our marriages, our families, our finances, our spiritual lives. He has charged us with the job of protecting these gifts as the treasures they are. They belong to Him, and we do not have the luxury of "taking a break."

This trip (Disneyland, 2009) has reminded me of that truth. Our family was in a glorious season that many referred to as "blessed." Peace, contentment, and stability reigned. And after what felt like years of hard work at managing finances/marriage/children, I kicked back on my heels to take a little rest. I let the little things slip - a bit of overspending here, allowing myself to react in an overly-emotional way to something my husband said (that I know was not intended to insult), ignoring a few words of sibling bickering - because they'd been so good, and if I'm honest because I didn't want to put out the energy required to deal with it.

The struggles on our way down here, as unwelcome as they were, have been a blessing. God's wake up call to me. He has called me to do a job for Him, and there are no days off. I am the only one He has "hired" for these specific jobs - there is no relief staff. If I walk away and take a day off, enjoy a little nap, or let just a couple things slide through, the treasure could be lost (or stolen).

Some things can be too easy to forget; thankfully I have a loving Father who helps me to remember.

A re-post from the archives.

Interesting tidbit - could have written this post again today, as God has been gently reminding me to stay focused and alert, diligent in all that He's called me to do (time with Him, being a good wife and patient mother, financial stewardship, writing, speaking, being a friend...).

Eleven

In our first year of marriage, I was quite insistent that Pat and I exchange the traditional anniversary gifts. I had a calendar made with pictures from our wedding for him to hang at work. (I don't think he ever did take it to work, though, because he was mostly on the road.) I can't remember what he got me, but it was definitely paper.

Once we were coming up on the year of cotton, we decided that buying one another clothes was dumb. Instead, we bought stuff that we wanted. Kinda like a birthday. I'm sure we did gifts for a few years, but after a while that became more headache and expense than we wanted.

The past few years, we've chosen time together for our anniversary. Last year, our tenth, we spent the weekend at the same place we spent our honeymoon. I got a tattoo. (Not really related, but hey!)

Most of the time (not just anniversaries) our dates involve doing what I like to do.This year, our anniversary was spent doing what Pat has always wanted to do - camping as a family. To say I enjoyed it would be an understatement. It was great! (No one is more surprised by this than I.) Here are a few snapshots of our anniversary weekend.

Along the way you'll notice a few peeps that don't belong to us. We had 3 extra young folk on the trip, as well as a friend and co-worker of Pat's with his wife and little boy. Many of these photos were taken by said friend/co-worker.

Somebody learned to ride on just two-wheels! Yay, Megan! You go girl!

Abbey demonstrating her gymnastics skills for Shea and G.

Pat had to get in on the two-wheel riding action. This picture was posted on the wall at work first thing Monday morning.

Braeden and J were the only ones brave enough to get in that cold lake and stay in!

Wheee! Malakai put on hundreds of miles over the weekend.

Sweet smiling G. Her face had this expression on it for the whole time.

Daisy dog got in on the action. Camping plumb wore her out.

I believe they were building a city of volcanoes.

Pat and Abbey, sitting still and quiet in hopes of catching a squirrel in their net.

Kai's new buddy, Little C (or "baby," as Kai fondly referred to him) stuck close to the shiny red tricycle at all times.

This may have been the shot that caught Braeden right in the face. I think J overestimated the amount of power required to kick a mini soccer ball!

Braeden getting in on the soccer action. (Obviously, this was prior to the hit in the face. After that incident he decided to "retire." LOL!)

Here's Big C. See that gap? He yanked those two front teeth out the day we left for camping. The tooth fairy even comes to visit in travel trailers, didya know?

I'm pretty sure this was the, "Mama, carry me up!" look.

There must have been a Pat-monster chasing these kids...

No family outing is complete without a friendly match of Kung-Fu fighting.