Without Question



image courtesy of eslpod.com



I've been questioning God lately.

I'm not being completely honest here... I almost always question Him.

It's not that I don't trust God. Rather, I don't trust myself. I have doubts and second-guess what I think I've heard.

Here's the short version of my most recent example of questioning...

1. God tells us to move. We (Pat and I) both clearly sense that one of the reasons for the move is so that I can focus on building my writing and speaking ministry.
2. I do some things to build the ministry.
3. It seems to be growing more slowly than I had hoped or anticipated.
4. I wonder, "Did I hear right? Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Maybe there's something else I should be doing in the meantime."
5. I investigate a variety of career options. I apply for jobs. (Not that I ever intend to actually be a working mom, because I'm quite certain that my work in life will be a combination of motherhood and ministry. I'm just thinking of working in the meantime, while I wait for the ministry dream to become a reality.)
6. Doors close. No job for me.
7. I am left wondering where I went wrong and asking God questions.
8. As is His style with me, I sense God's reply holds a mixture of patience, chagrin, and sarcasm. "I never did tell you to apply for jobs, did I? So what exactly are you unclear about?"
9. I still wonder and worry.
10. God provides confirmation of His calling through two emails from magazine publishers.

I have an awareness that I am supposed to press on, yet a desire for something to happen now. Because God's plan doesn't seem to be fitting the same timeline as my plan, I question.

I know an amazing woman, Donna Jordan, who teaches with YWAM (Youth with a Mission) on hearing the voice of God (aka listening prayer). She asks God questions all the time, but she doesn't question Him. Once she has her answer, she trusts.

I was thinking how I'd like to be more like Donna. To be the kind of woman who knows that I know that I have been given clear direction from my Father, trusting Him for as long as it takes...without question.

The difference between Donna and I (besides the fact that she's a seasoned woman who's spent most of her adult life as a missionary and I'm a younger mom living in the comforts of a big house in the city) - she talks to God and listens to Him every. single. day. She is so familiar with His voice that there is little room for doubt.

If I want to be a woman who does not question my Daddy's instructions, I need to be absolutely and utterly familiar with the sound of His voice.

I recently heard Brad Jersak speak on listening to God, and he shared about a challenge that his wife took on. She added a few minutes to her daily quiet time to ask God one question and journal His answer. Every day. For forty days. It changed her relationship with her Abba forever.

I have decided to take up her challenge for this year's season of Lent - the 40 days where we prepare our hearts to truly celebrate Christ's sacrifice, His death and resurrection. According to my friend, Google, Lent begins on Ash Wednesday (March 9th this year) and ends on the Saturday of Easter weekend (April 23rd). If you're into math (fellow geeks unite!), you'll count 46 days. Also according to Google, the Sundays in Lent are not included in the 40-day count, as each Sabbath is considered a "mini-Easter" celebration.

During that time, I'd like to share some of my experiences with you. I'd love for some friends to join me and blog about their times of listening to God, too. I'll put up a linky and everything. On Thursdays, from March 10 - April 21, we can fellowship together over coffee and under our Father's love. Sometime between now and then, I'll come up with a catchy name and a button for our little series. (Now accepting applications for "catchy name developers" and "pro-bono blog button designers." *wink*)

Anyone else need a fresh word from God?

Would you care to join me on this Lenten journey of asking, listening, and writing it down?


It's important to mention one other person who has inspired my desire to seek out God's voice more intentionally, because she teaches me more about Him every time she writes... Sandy, thank you for always bringing us back to centre - back to God - at God Speaks Today. Your series 30 Days of Hearing God was a major inspiration for this unnamed series; your series God Speaks through the Storm is what brought me to your blog; and your current series, Freedom from Perfection is getting on my nerves (in a good way)! If we lived in the same zip code/ postal code, I can guarantee that you'd find me lurking on your porch angling for a coffee and a visit chalk full of wisdom and inspiration far more often than you'd like!

Maturity, does it equal boredom?

Do you ever wonder what happens to us when we become "mature" Christians? What changes? How do we get there? How did others get there?

A few things come to my mind when I think "mature" Christian:
- long walk with God
- enduring in faith through life's ups and downs
- in the Word every day
- praying for hours at a time
- faith that is calm (in contrast to the "fiery" and exuberant faith of a new believer)
- serene
- bored and boring (yes, I said it!).

There is a part of me that admires and aspires to be like the women I know who have walked with God for what seems like forever. But there is this tiny part of me that whispers, "Please Lord, don't let it be boring!"

Maybe you remember my prayers for the year of 2009? I prayed for God to unsettle me. I asked Him not to let me get too comfortable. He answered, and answered, and answered, and answered again!

This year, I began praying that the Lord would consecrate me (make me holy and set apart for His purposes). I didn't want to settle for a faith that was simply "good enough." But in the back of my mind I was also reminding Him that I didn't want to be bored (or boring).

For a short time, I let my heart drift away from His. I was bored AND boring. I had created my own little self-fulfilling prophecy (think that it will be lackluster and you will surely end up disinterested). But I was not, as I feared, uninspired because of maturity. I grew apathetic because I was slowly emptying of that which fills me - His Spirit. What little of Him I had inside of me was seeping out through my many cracks. As those cracks are pieced back together, and I feel the filling up happening again, things* are happening.

Guess what - deciding to be a "grown up" in the faith is far from humdrum! No, I sense that I am about to embark on an escapade of God-sized proportions!

I suspect that maturity is not tedious at all, but that it comes from maintaining a sense of peace, faith, and trust while riding life's ups and downs, over and over again. I am beginning to realize that the quest to become established and settled is probably one of the most adventurous journeys we can embark on!

No one is ever bored on a roller coaster! Some people - those familiar with its nausea-inducing motion - may appear a bit blase as they take their hundredth loop-de-loop, but we must be careful not to mistake their composure for apathy. If we were to hook them up to a biometrics machine, the heart rates of the experienced rider would be no slower than the shrieking 13-year-old boy's in the front row. Their composure is gained by holding fast, practicing lots, and the total faith (that comes with much experience) of knowing that they will not fall.

* things defined: life's ups and downs; stretching; growing; finding oneself in need of God's amazing provision; praying; seeking; obeying in spite of obstacles and doubt

In other words, not a single prayer said on our behalf would be wasted right now!

How to Repair a Cracked Vase

The fall was a time of some major highs and lows in our family.

Pat gets offered a promotion - high.
We need to move - low.
Asking God to provide and seeing it happen - high.
Settling into new everything - low.
There were, of course, many others, but you get the picture.

Through the entire roller-coaster ride, we leaned hard on God. It was a new thing in our marriage - to pray together - but we pushed through our discomfort and did it, daily. Regardless of my emotions, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit over every moment of every day.

We are settled into our new life and its routines. The kids seem to be comfortable at their new schools. We have decided to make our new church our "home" church. Along the way we've even had a few free moments to make some friends.

But there's an underlying sense of...something. Sadness? Emptiness? Unfulfilled-ness? (Yes, I do realize that's not a word!) There's this thing that's nagging at me. God feels far away. I know that He didn't take a step back from me, which means I'm the one that moved.

Last year (2009) I memorized 24 Scripture verses; this year, zilch. Last fall our family was a family of prayer - Pat and I prayed together, we prayed with the kids, we prayed with friends, we prayed over every single decision; this year, at least we still pray at mealtimes and bedtimes with the kids. Last year I committed to getting up at 5:30am for my quiet time with the Lord and I rarely missed a morning; this year I rise a little bit early on random days and try to squeeze in a few minutes. I used to be responsible for mentoring many other women in their walk with the Lord, and I took that calling seriously; without that level of accountability I have allowed myself to slack off.

Just as it is no surprise that I gained back all my lost weight when I decided to "take a break" from exercising and eating well, I shouldn't be surprised that taking a break from vital spiritual habits has placed distance between me and God.

So here I am, working to piece together the fragments of my faith. I am like a vase that developed a hairline crack, and as time wore on little shards of clay fell out here and there. Not broken, not destroyed, but fractured and in need of repair.

How to Repair a Cracked Vase:

Step one: Pick up the section of the vase that seems easiest to fit back into place. For me, this means returning to the basics of Scripture memory.

Step two: Be generous with the crazy glue and hold it there until it dries. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work settling the Word of God in my heart and mind.

Repeat steps one and two until each segment and sliver of clay is picked up off the floor. A few of the larger chunks I can see are morning time, praise, and prayer. It's the smaller fragments, though, that will take great concentration to fit back into place. Things like a hunger for God's Word, peace in my soul, and sensing those little nudges from the Holy Spirit.

While the vase may never be restored to its original beauty, it will be whole again. The shadow of those cracked places will forever be a reminder of what caused the vase to crack and the hard work invested in its repair. And those cracks, they will serve to let the Light shine through a little bit more than it did before the fracture happened.

My Shoulders are no Longer Hunched over by the Weight of the World... or some other witty title that captures the intent of this post

When we decided to move, I knew that having Pat home every night would be special, wonderful, and a blessing to all of us. Because God has made it clear that we are to leave our families and cleave to our spouses, I knew that He would bless this decision. In spite of the heartache moving away from our extended family, friends, ministry, church, and overall support network, there was not a doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do. (Lest you think that by "moving away" I mean we went far, we are only a 90 minute drive from our old home!)

You know what I had no idea about, though? Just how much difference it makes in life to have a second pair of hands around on a regular basis! I am not the only one on call in the middle of the night. I don't have to wrangle up friends and grandparents to assist with getting all the kids to activities. I am no longer chef, bus girl, and dishwasher for virtually every dinner. I'm not the only cog in the bath time assembly line. I don't have to do loving and teaching and discipline and homework all tangled together - on my own. Until I experienced the joy of having my husband home nightly, I had no clue how overwhelmed I was without him.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like Pat was never home. But he was away and working late just often enough that I settled into a comfortable (if not slightly harried) groove of doing it all. I didn't realize the weight of that burden until it was lifted from me.

Sure, we've gotten into a few squabbles along the way. I had a good system, but Pat employs different methods. Sometimes I forget that the end result is more important than the methods and I try to remind him that I know how to do things best. Thankfully, he understands the "planner" part of me and can help me loosen my grip gently.

You know what else has surprised me a bit? The simple fact that I really do like Pat! I can hear you chuckling... It's not that I ever didn't like him, but that I was worried that we might get on one another's nerves and grow tired of each other's company after so much "togetherness." But we're not! Well, I'm not; I guess you'd have to ask him if I'm getting on his nerves. :)

I like talking with him, hanging out with him, fighting over the remote control with him, planning out our week together. It's like we're dating again and don't want to be apart for any lengthy period of time - and I love it! All these gooey feelings kinda make a girl want to do something as an expression of all that love...like maybe make a baby. Nothing says "we're madly in love" than creating life together. Whaddya say, honey? Should we explore the possibility of going for #6?

Just kidding... Sort of.

A Tour in Pictures

Welcome to our new house. You'll notice the front-attached garage; I am so glad that it's large enough to fit my big honkin' Suburban because I hear the winters this far North can get pretty nasty! You will also see the cute little front veranda. I'd like to put an Adirondack chair on it this summer, so I can have a nice little spot to hide out from all the noise.

Now we're standing just inside the front door, looking at the room we are referring to as the "front living room." Right now this space feels kinda cold and echo-y to me, but once we get a nice area rug and a chair to cozy up in, I think it will will be perfect for visiting.


For all the pictures, I'll try to leave some overlap so you can get a sense of how all the rooms flow together...

This is the dining room, attached to/ right behind the front living room. To get this picture I am standing directly in front of the stairs that head up (which are just inside the door and to the right). Make sense???


Just past the stairs heading up is a hallway - imagine that I've just turned right and walked down it. Welcome to the "fireplace living room" or "TV room," depending on who you're speaking to. You can see a little munchkin cozied up in the new chaise watching TV. We finally gave up on our 12-year-old plush furniture and splurged on some new (discount store) stuff. It is very comfy and easy to clean (an important feature in this household).

The TV room adjoins the kitchen. I am still getting used to having my kitchen and dining room so far apart (you can see the dining room near the top right of this picture - see the candle hanging thingie?). And those stainless appliances...let me tell you about them. Very nice looking, modern, the latest in thing. Mmmmm-hmmmm. Imagine your entire kitchen covered in mirrors where small children can admire themselves and rub their sticky little hands all over. You can easily wash those hand prints, but if you don't want to leave streaks you must also dry them. Several times a day. Or, if you're me, not! Our family now considers fingerprints a decorative feature. :)

Tucked back by the door to the garage is a special little room - the office! Oh how I love having a room that is JUST for the computer. And the forest green paint below the chair rail and on the crown molding (yes, they really did dare to paint the crown molding forest green)...well, it's growing on me. LOL.


Back by the office is a little half bath (I figured you all know what a bathroom looks like) and the stairs to go down. At the bottom of those stairs you can go left (bathroom), right (family room), or straight ahead (Abbey's room).

Abbey is quite pleased with her new set-up. She's got a fort and a desk all rolled into one. And look! Her bed is made! As you will notice, that is an anomaly in our home.


Here's the family room. That little sectional was a steal I found on kijiji before we moved, and it's got a hide-a-bed in it for when we have lots of guests to house. (I just love that there is enough room in each of the kids' bedrooms to add bedding on the floor for more. So if you were thinking of a visit, we've got space...) That LaZBoy chair is part of the 12-year-old set. It's pretty worn, but the kids don't care what their furniture looks like.


There's a little nook built in to the family room, I think intended for a bar (you can see the plumbing hook-ups on the right wall). But since we're more likely to be hosting family game night than anything, we figured we'd put our exercise equipment in the nook. Funny that two people who prefer sitting on the couch to any and all alternatives have so much exercise stuff, eh?


And turning another quarter-turn in the family room you will find the "toy den."


Did you see that peek of blue at the top right corner of the last picture? That was the doorway to Braeden's room. Notice the bed - now that's more like it! He just scored a comfy double bed from Grandma and Grandpa. The downside is that he has to move out whenever we have house guests (and our guests get to cuddle like they haven't in ten years).


Now imagine that you are running up one flight of stairs, turning left down a little hallway, taking another left and heading up another flight of stairs (this house should really be helping me get my cardio in). At the top of the stairs is a landing that didn't warrant a picture (with TWO linen closets that totally warrant a mention). At the top of the stairs you can go left (master bedroom), straight ahead (bathroom), slight right (Kai's room), and far right (Meg & Shea's room).

The girls have plenty of space for their little playhouse and vanity. Beds unmade, as usual. And their dressers and closet are just out of camera range to the right.


Malakai discovered the joy of hopping out of his crib before we moved. And since Braeden got himself some new digs, we convinced him to pass along the famous car bed. I will throw a party when he stays in bed the first time we put him there!

The master bedroom needs two pictures for you to grasp how much I love it. This is the first time ever that we have had more than just one foot of space to maneuver around the perimeter bed. In this picture I'm standing just inside the door. Notice the his and hers closets to the left. We have finally established who the true fashion diva is in our house, and I won't name names, but let it be said that my closet has a LOT of empty hangers!

Yes, we really need a picture above the bed there. Yes, I know that most grown-ups make their beds. And yes, those are separate blankets. All the stuff you never wanted to know about me...


Now I'm standing next to the closet door looking the other way. I bet you would have appreciated it if I closed the toilet lid, eh?


And though I've resisted posting any bathroom pictures for your viewing pleasure, I could not resist showing you the corner of our en suite. Because who doesn't love to sink into one of these babies?! (Now we just need a new hot water tank so that we can actually fill it enough to run the jets. Hahaha.)


So there you have it, for all you curious onlookers. And if you weren't curious - well, now you have successfully wasted half an hour. My apologies.

You know, I got to thinking that this would have been way easier to do in video form. But then I'd have to start all over again. Nix that idea!

In case I didn't mention it - we've got some space here for cramming in friends and their kids. So make a date to come visit. We'll make you hot dogs and macaroni and play board games with you. As long as you can bear the pungent fragrance of dead mouse trapped within basement walls, that is... But that's a story for another post

An Email from Me to You

I have been trying to find a way to word an update on life around here...a way that wraps up God's truths in good writing. But every post I began resulted in an unfinished draft sitting on my dashboard. I decided that the best I can do is to copy and paste an email I sent to a friend about life in our new home. After all, we're all friends in this place.

The house is so fantastic! I LOVE it, LOVE it, LOVE it! It is big and beautiful. Now we need some furniture to fill it up a bit better. :) Last night I joked to Pat that I sure hated all the hardwood and vaulted ceilings b/c they made the kids’ noise echo. LOL.

The neighbourhood is lovely. We’ve met one neighbour (Abbey’s teacher) – she gave us her daughter’s name and number b/c her daughter does respite for families with kids with special needs. I can’t get over how super good God is to me! I’m going to call her this afternoon to set up an “interview.” We saw a little girl across the street who Abbey wants me to take her to see, and there’s a boy in Meg’s class across the street who also has an older brother (just a bit younger than Braeden). So looks like a buddy for all the big kids. We have yet to go meet all these people and set up play dates… All in good time.

We visited a new church on Sunday. I found it a bit stoic (contemporary music, but very reserved in their expression of worship – Pat told me I was the only one who raised my hands during the singing, lol). We are not totally sure about it, but we’ll keep visiting for a couple months to give it a fair shot. It’s the largest church in town, closest to the size and number of programs of CrossRoads, so we figured that it might feel the most comfortable.

Yesterday I went to the women’s coffee group there. It was okay. I enjoyed visiting with other women. But overall wasn’t totally sure if I connected with anyone. Mostly just surface. One woman at our table was preparing to be a surrogate for a friend, and I had a difficult time processing that information, so it may have distracted me from making good connections.

Today I went again, but this group is the Bible study group. I cannot even describe how great it was! These women want to go deep, and they were open about their struggles even though I was new in the small group. They were very welcoming and inviting. One of them also has a girl in preschool with Shea!

There’s a women’s Christmas event this weekend – either Th night, Fri night, or Sat AM. I couldn’t decide which night to buy for when I was at church Sun, so I asked which night they needed to sell more tickets for. Ended up with a lonely ticket for Th night. Turns out that five women from the group today are also going Th night! And they’ve invited me to sit with them. Seriously, God just knocks my socks off! I feel so special to Him, that He would take seriously my prayers for a fast friendship.

I am likely going to WW (Weight Watchers) tomorrow. Gained back a bunch since my fast. Needing some discipline and structure. I prob won’t stay for the meeting, as Kai is a trouble-maker, but paying for the weigh-in is often fairly good motivation and accountability for me.

(An addendum for my bloggy readers.)

Lest you think life is all sunshine and roses, I should mention that everyone seems to be struggling a bit to settle in. Though school is going well for the kiddos, behaviours at home are most definitely in the category of "acting up." Emotions are running high...bickering is frequent...tears come easily...defiance is the only rule. Oh, and the dog finally broke her hunger strike just today!

But I know that this is all part of the transition. I still believe that God has called us here for a purpose, and I know that when He calls us it is not always easy. Through His strength, we will all work through the tough weeks and come out the other side closer to Him and one another, ready to step into our calling (whatever that is, lol).

Reinvented with Grace

Moving to a new city - starting fresh - provides the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

I had visions of grasping this new start with both hands, and being the woman I really want to be.

I would be a great mother - patient, firm, fun, involved. I would teach Scripture memory verses at home after school. I would be in attendance at all school events and extra-curricular activities. I would not yell at my children. I would take joy in them and not allow irritation to overtake my face and my countenance.

I would also get back to eating well, going to a gym, looking great and feeling confident. I could dress a little more fashionably and do my hair and make-up daily.

There are a million things I'd rather be than who I am. Now is my chance to become that girl. Sherwood Park Tyler could be everything Red Deer Tyler wished she was but couldn't be...

Then reality came crashing in on me. We moved, we ate junk, I gained weight, I wore exercise pants for days, the children went crazy, I went crazy, I yelled and scowled and growled. Why can't I just change into who I want to be?

The truth is - I am not my own to reinvent. I don't get to become someone new and different simply because I wish it. I am who God created me to be, and any change that happens in me - in my heart - will be because He has made it happen. Because I am HIS to reinvent.

Lord, reinvent me with Your grace. I don't want to be someone who I'm not - I want to be the woman You will for me to be. Reinvent me from the inside out. Begin by changing my heart and my perspective to match Yours. Let me not measure my worth by the standards of appearance. I don't want to "look" like a good mother on the outside but have the stain of anger covering my heart. I don't want to put on the mask of put-together-ness and remain broken on the inside. I want to be changed by You, through You, for You, and for Your glory. Father, please, reinvent me... As Psalm 51:10 says, create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.
Psalm 51:7-15 (MSG)

In the Thick of it

The house is packed!

Two talented movers packed everything in our house in about four hours. They returned the next day to pack up the garage and shed - which took them less than three hours. And today they have the giant truck and trailer out front. It's amazing how quickly they can move seven peoples' possessions.

Tomorrow is "moving day." That is, we are actually moving in to the new house tomorrow. That will be followed by many, many days of unpacking.

I've turned over the reigns of WOW to the new Ministry Lead, Stacy. Yesterday I gave her my keys and files and binders... It wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.

I think the toughest part of this move is over - the saying good-bye. Now I'm just ready to get on with it!

I do apologize for the lack of updates (and especially the lack of any quality writing) on this here blog. I see that a few precious friends have deleted themselves from my list of "followers" during this lull. *wiping tears* For those who remain, if you'll just continue to stick with me through the next week or two of chaos, I promise to get back to some deep thinking soon.

Until then, I can barely think at all! :)

This might hurt, it's not safe...

During this busy, sometimes stressful, all-too-often emotionally overwhelming season of life, the temptation to get caught up in it all is great.

I feel myself wanting to get all wrapped up in my stress.

I hear myself thinking that maybe it would be easier to step back now, distance myself quickly before it hurts too much.

If I give into either of those, though, I know I will be letting the enemy have his way with me. Getting all wrapped up in me keeps me from praying for the needs around me. It's so easy to slip into praying "God, be with me, bless me, help me" and neglect praying, "Lord, be with her, bless him, help them." Pulling away, while it would perhaps ease the painful parts of moving away, would leave me empty. It's impossible to pull back from the people around you and stay close to God. And without closeness with Him, my heart is a great, big hole.

This song has been drawing me back, helping me keep my heart where it needs to be - in the here and now, on Him.



This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions...

Aching Heart

This week, my heart has been wrenched to and fro.

In addition to the surprise on my date night and the blessing at the church staff meeting, I was blessed and honoured at Friendship Factor on Wednesday. You wouldn't believe the trickery of those girls! People who haven't been at FF in over a year were tracked down and invited to take the morning off work so they could attend. (Bless their hearts, several did.)

Nothing is more humbling than feeling really, really loved. Did you know that? I would have thought hearing all these people telling me how great I am (I know they are selectively forgetting the bad stuff right now, but hey) would make me feel prideful and oh-so important. But it just doesn't. It makes me feel a bit shy, a bit confused, and very tender.

I cannot wrap my head and heart around it. It seems only last week I was a just-past-teenage mom with only one friend in the whole world. And these past couple of weeks have shown me that I have more friends than I know what to do with. (You should see my calendar these days as I try to have coffee with everyone I love. I am not getting anything done besides socializing!)

Each blessing I receive just makes the loss more profound. Not that I'm really losing these friends - I know that! I will be back at least once per month, and I will insist that they come my way periodically, and the modern miracle of email will keep us in close touch. But what I am losing is a culture of friendship and fellowship. It's something that took six years to develop, and moving away from this church family is...ouch.

Today I had to take one step further yet. You see, today we chose the woman who will take my position. The only job I've held in six years (besides those of wife and mother). A job that exists because it was on my heart and I asked if I could do it. Frankly, I see this ministry more as my baby than as my job. A baby I laboured over, nurtured, prayed for, and loved with my whole heart. And today, I chose an adoptive mother for my baby. I have just over one week to hold this baby close until it is time to extend my arms to the one who will take over the job of its care. And no matter that I know it is God's will, and it is time, and that it is not only for my good and my family's but for the baby's good as well - the ache in my gut just may kill me.

And as I sit here letting the tears flow freely, I hear a gentle whisper in my soul...

Jehovah-Shammah, the LORD is there. I AM there. I AM in Red Deer with WOW, and I will not let it stumble. I AM in Sherwood Park where you will go, and I will not let you stumble. The name of every city you visit, every church you worship in, every ministry you serve with will be: the LORD is there. (from Ezekial 48:35)

Though the ache remains, I know I will live through it, for He is with me.

I Heart You

Today I was surprised and blessed by cake, ice cream, words of affirmation, and prayer by the staff at our church.

I commented to someone the other day that I feel a bit like I'm attending my own funeral these days. Everyone is talking about me in an odd mix of past and present tense, and all they can say is how wonderful they think I am/was. It's very awkward, a little bizarre, and incredibly humbling.

It is so special to feel loved and appreciated, and to know that I will be missed. It blesses my heart to see friends, co-workers, and pastors shedding tears when we talk about my upcoming move. Honestly, it just makes me feel so...like I belong. It's difficult to know how to respond, and I've found in myself a little imp that likes to blurb out bits of inappropriate humour (not inappropriate as in smutty, but as in bad timing - kinda like laughing at a funeral, my funeral).

Since I am better in the written word than the spoken, especially when I'm feeling undeservedly loved on, I just want you all to know how I feel about you.

Jordan, you have been a friend, a mentor, a father-figure, and a cheerleader (but I'd appreciate if you wouldn't wear any cheer outfits, kay) for me these past five years. When I screw up, you set me straight. When I do good, you let me know (and you tell others, too). And when I need encouraging, you send me away for a weekend of refreshing. I could not have asked for a better "boss" in ministry than you. I know Pat loves you too (in a guy sorta way). I hope that you and Kathleen will pop by for a day or even a weekend sometime.

Stu, you see right into the heart of me. I know that I can't tell you everything's "okay" if it's not, because you are always willing to take the extra few minutes to dig deeper and ask meaningful questions. The most amazing thing is - you really do care! You have encouraged me and prayed for me more times than I can count, and you also saw my need for that very special weekend away. Thank-you for being you (and for being blue, teehee).

Dan, I cannot express how thankful I am for your wisdom and teaching to me and our church family for the past...um, forever. You challenge me, make me uncomfortable, push me to change and grow. Your advice in times of struggle gave me the courage to lead boldly and stand behind my decisions and my actions, as well as gave me the strength to admit when I was wrong and seek forgiveness. I can't express how thankful I am that we now have live streaming, so I can continue to be with family learning from you.

To all the other church staff, who are numerous and awesome. I love you guys!

Mike - you rock. The love you have given my son has grown him in ways we as his parents never could.

Kendra - your gentle spirit inspires me to be better. I watch how you lead and serve, and I learn what it means to be beautiful.

Linda - girl, you have the patience of a saint! Thank-you for always being willing to work hard with me and for being so flexible.

Ryan, Blayne, Wally - you guys are too cool for words! The work that you do is so thankless, yet you serve and smile and crack jokes. Thank-you doesn't even come close to letting you know how much I love you guys.

Nicole, Cariann, Janice, April, Pam, and Wilma - the way you make yourselves available to help us dummies in ministry is amazing. We run around like chickens without heads until we find you girls; you make this church go 'round.

Dallas - I had hoped to get to know you and Kathy and the girls, and I'm sorry that I put it off. I pray that you find the family I have found at CrossRoads. And by the way - worship has been fantastic lately (sure, I like the songs, but it isn't that - it's the spirit of worship that you bring).

Rob, Rob, Barry, and Jordan - what can I say? You guys make life fun around that place! Without you bunch of smarta@# guys around there, we'd be a pretty boring group of straight-laced Christians.

Khristie and Ginny - I am disappointed that I haven't had the chance to know you better. But let me tell you this - those bunch of fools wouldn't know what day of the week it was without you! You girls are super.

Anton - though I haven't spent much time with you, I have been thanking the Lord for bringing you to us. A huge gap has been filled in missions, and the work you are doing with the teams is simply amazing. Thank-you for seeing the importance of equipping and debriefing, and keeping in touch with our missionaries. You are a blessing.

Maggie and Aaron - words cannot possible capture what you do, what you mean to me, and how you bless me. Thank-you just doesn't seem enough. I love you!

Charlene - you keep my head on straight when it comes to the dollars and cents of ministry. Thanks for taking care of us, so often in the background. You are so appreciated.

Dwayne - no, I know, you're not staff (yet). :) I want to thank you for the way that you have mentored me and encouraged me from the very beginning. Your wise guidance and prayers have meant so much. I want you to know that BOB is you and you are BOB - they are interchangeable. It's because you walk your talk.

Mary - I saved you for last for a reason. Mary, you are a beautiful woman with much grace. The work that you do, cleaning up behind us and ahead of us, is unending. But you continue with diligence. I want you to know how precious you are to our family at CrossRoads. I'm sure you don't hear it enough, but we could NOT do ministry without you. Thank-you for all that you do.

So thank-you for loving on me today, for blessing me, for making me cry. You guys are family, and no matter how far we live (or for how long) you will always be home. You guys are what makes CrossRoads. And Jordan, fyi, I got the impression today that you don't really have that much of a problem with providing encouragement after all. :) I heart you.

P.S. If I somehow inadvertently missed someone - someone please email me right away! Yikes. Because it's so important to me to tell you all by name that I love you. After all, God called you by name to be where you are.

Making Friends

I've been reflecting a lot lately on making friends, trying to remember how to do it. As a child it was so easy - see someone about your age at the park or in the school yard, walk up to that person, introduce yourself (although, this step could easily be done much later, or omitted all together), and ask the other kid, "Would you like to be friends?" As an adult, it seems so many more personal insecurities play into the friend-making process. How did I do it several years ago when we joined our church and I felt lost, alone, and depressed? I knew I needed someone, and now I have many someones - but how did it all happen?

I remember walking into the basement of the church on a Wednesday morning, terrified. So many women, all smiling and chatting over their crafts. Ugh, how I loathe crafts! So I make my way to the coffee pot, feeling tentative but trying my best not to look either afraid or stand-off-ish. I stand back and peruse the tables filled with friends.

Where should I sit? One table seems to be "older" women - ack, one of my high school teachers is sitting there! Another table of very young women (maybe close to my age, but I feel older). There they are...a table of women who are laughing loudly, talking back and forth and over each other, shouting out greetings to women walking in the door. They look welcoming. So I take a deep breath, stand up straight, put a smile on, walk myself, my coffee, and my craft supplies (ugh) over and ask, "Is this chair taken?"

I sat, I crafted (ugh), I listened, and every now and then I talked. And though I didn't feel comfortable - no, not for one moment - something in me knew that I could be comfortable in the place...eventually.

Wednesday after Wednesday, I went, I looked, I sat. And one week, the dam broke. I had tried a couple different tables over the weeks, but this week I was back with the group of loud outgoing gals. One of them said something that got all my senses firing. I heard her say, "When I had post-partum depression after..." That whole morning I waited for a chance to talk to her somewhat privately, because she knew my pain. Eventually, over another craft, that moment came. I can't recall if we made some small talk first and I somehow led the conversation around, or if I just jumped right in. But with a choked voice and tear-filled eyes I shared with her how I was struggling with post-partum depression. And that common-thread drew us together.

The next week she invited Pat and I to join the life group they were part of. Through that group, friendships bloomed. I began to learn who I was, what I was looking for, and who I wanted to spend my time with. Because of the love from that group (which, ironically, included my old high school teacher and her husband), I found healing in my broken places and friendship for my empty spaces.

It's good to remember that time. Though my friendships have changed over the years, and I am no longer connected with the people from that original life group, I will never forget the impact of knowing them and being welcomed by them.

As we step into this next place, I will remember. Be bold. Do not be afraid. Don't allow discomfort to make me shy away. Be real and open and honest. Look for opportunities. Be willing. Friendship will come, if I look for it. But it means stepping outside the bounds of where I feel comfortable, talking to people I don't know, possibly doing crafts (ugh), and looking for that common ground.

We've all had to make new friends at one time or another. What did you do to find those connections?

The God Chronicles - 10/20/09

Want to join in, chronicling the hand of God in your life? Please, your stories are so very welcome...

When we move next month, our plan has always been to rent this house out.

Renter #1 - A girl who used to work with Pat, bringing her boyfriend and her brother. She said she wanted it, Pat said she could have it. I felt unsettled, but was prepared to stand behind Pat's word to her. But I really felt like this house is a family home. When we got to serious talking about leases and such, she changed her mind. Coincidence?

Renter #2 - A couple...a blended family...just starting fresh. There were no red flags with them, but numerous yellow flags. For example, he was employed, but just started at this new job a week earlier due to a layoff. We were uncertain if we needed to heed these yellow flags or if we were supposed to be compassionate and give them a chance. We prayed about it. We asked them to come for an interview. They declined. Chance?

Renter #3 - An African family with 5 very young children. Very friendly and appreciative. They kept talking about where there things would fit in this house. We both felt really good about them. They wanted to stay and fill out a rental application on the spot.

Renter #4 - Came to look on the heels of #3. A young couple with 3 kids. Friendly, social, very interested in the house. We both really liked them. They also wanted to stay and fill out an application.

We were unsure, but decided to go with our gut feeling on the first family. It was a risk, because they could change their minds in the meantime (before we got damage deposit). And then the second couple could have found something else. We'd be back at square one... But we prayed about it and felt that "this house is home for the African family."

When we told them we wanted them to be in our house, the husband exclaimed, "praise the Lord!" When we told the other couple (#4) that we were renting it to someone else, they seemed relieved.

The wife later told me that they had been looking at a few places to rent, but none of them felt right to her. They were about to pay the deposit on a house and she asked her husband to wait another couple days. For some reason, he decided to search the internet for other rentals. She told me that he never searches the internet, and that before this day they had never even heard of a website called kijiji. On just that very day, renter #2 didn't pan out, and I decided to re-post my ad on kijiji. When the husband googled "houses to rent in Red Deer" the very first link that came up was our ad.

She tells me that she believes God has provided this house for them, just for their family. She said she can feel that the Holy Spirit dwells here. She says it already feels like home. I told her that we have been praying for just the right renters, and that we believe God has provided them for this house. Good luck?

I don't believe in luck, chance, or coincidence. Nothing is done by accident, without the foreknowledge of a loving God. He is as concerned with the small details of our day-to-day lives as he is with big global issues. He is a God who cares.

This couple isn't able to officially rent from us until December 1, due to their current rental agreement. Interestingly, our mortgage payments on our new house in SP don't begin until December 1.

Only God could work out every detail so meticulously to ensure that just the right people are living in our house. Renters who, I believe, will take good care of it as if it were their own home. And a house created for a family of seven, with all of their needs in mind - right down to the extra water heater.

Nope. No coincidences here. Just God-incidences.

The 'To Do' List is Now a Little Bit Shorter

Yesterday I went to SP to visit two potential schools for the girls. (If you're wondering, "Why just for the girls?" that's because Braeden is in special education and once all of his ed-psych assessments are done he will be placed in the appropriate program for his developmental level.) This is why I completely forgot to blog yesterday!

SP has a program called "Logos" (Greek for "The Word") within their public school system. Schools that host the Logos program have classrooms at each grade level that are taught by Christian teachers with a Christian worldview and a focus on the Bible. The schools have the Logos classrooms intermingled with the "regular" classrooms (so there is no special area of the school for either). Throughout the schools, posters and artwork with the Word of God decorate the hallways.

There are two elementary schools with the Logos program, so I needed to visit them both and choose the one I liked best. This has been one of the many decisions keeping me up at night, so I really wanted to get it taken care of!

I thank the Lord that He helps in all things, and that He made this decision so clear and easy!

School 1:
- very unfriendly school secretary
- school principal either ignored children or yelled at them to behave as we toured the school
- in spite of exchanging numerous emails over the past couple of weeks, the principal had no recollection of me or our situation, making me have to explain all over again who I was and why I was there
- nearly 500 students
- loud chaos throughout the school, before and during lunch
- an extreme shortage of lunchtime supervision, both indoors and out
- students sneaking into the wooded area on the playground and not being caught by the supervisors
- bus drop-off and pick up on the far, far sidewalk
- did I mention the chaos and misbehaving children around every.single.corner?

School 2:
- super friendly secretaries who introduced themselves using first names (a plus in my books...my kids should call teachers etc. by "Mr" and "Mrs," but I am a grown up and don't appreciate them asking me to call them anything different than what I expect them to call me)
- super friendly principal and vice principal
- about 300+ students
- principal stopped and talked to students all along the way on our tour, repeatedly praising them and encouraging good behaviour, telling their teachers when she noticed anything exemplary that she wanted them to be acknowledged for
- both during lunch and after, children were seated and doing what they should be (though lunch time was louder, there was no sense of chaos or disorder)
- a slightly lesser shortage of lunchtime supervision
- bus drop-off and pick-up right at the front doors, always supervised by the principal or vice principal
- met the grade 2 Logos teacher, who was also friendly and outgoing
- discovered that the grade 2 Logos teacher lives on our street (as do 3 other families from this school, that she could think of), and she offered up her 16 and 20 year-old daughters to babysit!

Needless to say, Abbey and Megan are now registered in this school, and Shea's name is on the list for Kindergarten next year.

One more thing to cross of the list. Thank-you, Jesus!

And thanks to Christine for coming along and keeping me company, asking good questions, and being another set of eyes (since the GPS seemed particularly cantankerous). Thanks to mom for getting off work early to tend to five little monkeys. :)

Rest is Good for the Heart

A season in life when hands are full, days are busy.

In Chinese, the symbols used to describe the word busy are heart and dead.

Busy = heart dead.

Too busy to stop and enjoy. Too busy to go slow and savour. Too busy to listen. Too busy to seek. Too busy to pray. The result - a dry, aching, empty heart.

This fall has come crashing in on me. A move, with all of its headaches and details to tend to - buy a house, find new schools, move utilities, switch this, research that... A big party to plan and carry out, with friends and family to entertain. A blessing, yet a busy time. A women's event. A ministry fair. A course in Biblical exegesis. A slightly incomplete renovation. Children to tend, love, and feed. A house to keep. A husband working 15 hour days. A million and one ministry details to wrap up and leave in good order for someone new.

And somewhere in the busy, the heart's lifebeat slows.

I have considered hiring a housekeeper, putting the little ones in a dayhome, going back on anti-depressants after five years without, getting help with anything that can be done by someone else. Yet I know that none of that will revive this heart of mine.

The One who brings hearts back to life, who removes the busy and replaces it with peace and joy - He is the solution this heart needs.

Busy = heart dead.

Rest in Him = true life, full life.

Find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. ~Psalm 62:5

The God Chronicles - 09/18/09

Have you seen the hand of God in your life lately? Joel 1:2-3 instructs us to tell the next generation the stories of God's faithfulness in our lives. That's what The God Chronicles is all about. I would be honoured if you joined me. Just write your own post for TGC, link to this post in your writing, then come back here and add your name and your post's URL to Mr. Linky at the bottom.

Here's how TGC began.

And here are a few instructions for those who like to follow the step-by-step.

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For this one, I am going to need to take you back a ways. Right to the beginning of this year, when I prayed that the Lord would unsettle me. I knew it was a dangerous prayer, but I was wildly ready for anything He might toss my way.

And somewhere in that first part of this year Pat shared with me that he was sensing a change on the horizon. We attended the BreakForth conference together and came home expecting BIG things.

Then we went about our lives as usual.

I remembered my prayer for the new year when it was convenient, but mostly I let myself forget about it. You see, I don't actually do well with change. I like consistency, stability, predictability.

A few short weeks ago, God reminded me of my desire to be unsettled. He said, "You don't want to have all this normalcy, do you? It's so....boring. Why not come on an adventure with Me? Why don't you show people that your faith isn't just something you say, it's something you do."

I replied, "Um, no thanks God. I'm good. I'm not bored at all. Life is so perfectly settled right now; I'd rather not change."

The moment those words came out, I head the phrase "unsettle me" echoing in my soul.

Our family will be moving soon. Not just to a new house, but to a new city with new schools and a new church. We are brought there by a new job, one that promises a whole new life for our family. At this new job, Daddy will be home every.single.night for supper. He will have a long weekend to spend with us every.second.week. He will not be called to work out of town for weeks on end - in fact, he will not be called to work out of town EVER.

Today we are in the midst of the sloppy business of moving forward, with the excitement and adventure of the new ahead, and the sorrow of leaving so much good behind. Man, does it ever hurt to let go of GOOD things! The only thing that helps is to know that when God asks us to do that, He already has even BETTER things on the horizon. And there is comfort in knowing that rather than just leaving all this love behind, we will actually end up with two homes where we are loved. A new one and the old one. A double-blessing.

In this process, God's handiwork has been evident in a million small and large ways:

- the peace we had with making a very fast decision; the encouragement and words of affirmation from other believers

- the fact that I asked God to show confirmation for this decision by making it possible to keep our house here and rent it out, and He did

- the first house we looked at was not only good for our family, but it had a whole bunch of features that Pat and I had only dreamed of (three living rooms, a den/office, a large attached garage, a veranda, an eat-in kitchen and a dining room, a fireplace, oodles of bathrooms, a jet tub); honestly, at first I felt that we should not even consider this house because it was so much of what we wanted, that I was certain we didn't deserve it - funny thing about God, though, is that He likes to give good gifts to His children just because

- we closed the deal on that house tonight, and though the steps along the way were not bump-free, they were relatively quick and easy

- finding a Christian program within the public schools that is totally FREE

- knowing that the ministry I love - my baby - is in the best hands of the most amazing, competent, Godly, visionary team of women

- and many more.

I don't know why God is moving us. But I do know that He is answering a decade-long prayer of ours for Pat to have a job that provides well but doesn't have him away. And I am certain that He has a plan for friends, schools, a church family, a home (not just a house), and more. I believe that sometimes God calls us to do really difficult things so that we are stretched and moved closer to Him, and so that our faith in His goodness and His provision can grow. I fully trust Him to take care of us, our friends, our family, and our ministries - and I believe that He even has a BETTER thing in store for each of them.

It won't be easy. Change is difficult, scary even. We will be like foreigners in a new country. It could end up feeling a bit like a desert for a while. So as we walk I will tilt my head to the sky, and I will follow the Pillar of Cloud that goes ahead of me, showing the way.

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What about you? What is He doing in your life these days?