Good Medicine

Laughter, hot spinach dip, dessert you didn't make at home...these things are good medicine.

You may have noticed that it's been a busy week. It's been difficult to pull together a coherent thought for this place. But our conversation last night was of great help in that department.

We were expanding our vocabularies and our horizons over food and giant glasses of iced tea.

Somewhere in the conversation I mentioned the word ginch (or was it gonch). This brought shivers of disgust to my princess friend. Apparently that word provokes her mind to visual images of icky, dirty ginch (or gonch) with bacon strips. If you're as uneducated as I, you are wondering, "what the heck are bacon strips?" Apparently, this is the new and improved terminology for "skid marks" left behind in said ginch (or gonch) after not wiping properly.

I want to thank my girlfriends for the vocabulary lesson. I will never again be able to enjoy fried bacon.

This might hurt, it's not safe...

During this busy, sometimes stressful, all-too-often emotionally overwhelming season of life, the temptation to get caught up in it all is great.

I feel myself wanting to get all wrapped up in my stress.

I hear myself thinking that maybe it would be easier to step back now, distance myself quickly before it hurts too much.

If I give into either of those, though, I know I will be letting the enemy have his way with me. Getting all wrapped up in me keeps me from praying for the needs around me. It's so easy to slip into praying "God, be with me, bless me, help me" and neglect praying, "Lord, be with her, bless him, help them." Pulling away, while it would perhaps ease the painful parts of moving away, would leave me empty. It's impossible to pull back from the people around you and stay close to God. And without closeness with Him, my heart is a great, big hole.

This song has been drawing me back, helping me keep my heart where it needs to be - in the here and now, on Him.



This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions...

Aching Heart

This week, my heart has been wrenched to and fro.

In addition to the surprise on my date night and the blessing at the church staff meeting, I was blessed and honoured at Friendship Factor on Wednesday. You wouldn't believe the trickery of those girls! People who haven't been at FF in over a year were tracked down and invited to take the morning off work so they could attend. (Bless their hearts, several did.)

Nothing is more humbling than feeling really, really loved. Did you know that? I would have thought hearing all these people telling me how great I am (I know they are selectively forgetting the bad stuff right now, but hey) would make me feel prideful and oh-so important. But it just doesn't. It makes me feel a bit shy, a bit confused, and very tender.

I cannot wrap my head and heart around it. It seems only last week I was a just-past-teenage mom with only one friend in the whole world. And these past couple of weeks have shown me that I have more friends than I know what to do with. (You should see my calendar these days as I try to have coffee with everyone I love. I am not getting anything done besides socializing!)

Each blessing I receive just makes the loss more profound. Not that I'm really losing these friends - I know that! I will be back at least once per month, and I will insist that they come my way periodically, and the modern miracle of email will keep us in close touch. But what I am losing is a culture of friendship and fellowship. It's something that took six years to develop, and moving away from this church family is...ouch.

Today I had to take one step further yet. You see, today we chose the woman who will take my position. The only job I've held in six years (besides those of wife and mother). A job that exists because it was on my heart and I asked if I could do it. Frankly, I see this ministry more as my baby than as my job. A baby I laboured over, nurtured, prayed for, and loved with my whole heart. And today, I chose an adoptive mother for my baby. I have just over one week to hold this baby close until it is time to extend my arms to the one who will take over the job of its care. And no matter that I know it is God's will, and it is time, and that it is not only for my good and my family's but for the baby's good as well - the ache in my gut just may kill me.

And as I sit here letting the tears flow freely, I hear a gentle whisper in my soul...

Jehovah-Shammah, the LORD is there. I AM there. I AM in Red Deer with WOW, and I will not let it stumble. I AM in Sherwood Park where you will go, and I will not let you stumble. The name of every city you visit, every church you worship in, every ministry you serve with will be: the LORD is there. (from Ezekial 48:35)

Though the ache remains, I know I will live through it, for He is with me.

I Heart You

Today I was surprised and blessed by cake, ice cream, words of affirmation, and prayer by the staff at our church.

I commented to someone the other day that I feel a bit like I'm attending my own funeral these days. Everyone is talking about me in an odd mix of past and present tense, and all they can say is how wonderful they think I am/was. It's very awkward, a little bizarre, and incredibly humbling.

It is so special to feel loved and appreciated, and to know that I will be missed. It blesses my heart to see friends, co-workers, and pastors shedding tears when we talk about my upcoming move. Honestly, it just makes me feel so...like I belong. It's difficult to know how to respond, and I've found in myself a little imp that likes to blurb out bits of inappropriate humour (not inappropriate as in smutty, but as in bad timing - kinda like laughing at a funeral, my funeral).

Since I am better in the written word than the spoken, especially when I'm feeling undeservedly loved on, I just want you all to know how I feel about you.

Jordan, you have been a friend, a mentor, a father-figure, and a cheerleader (but I'd appreciate if you wouldn't wear any cheer outfits, kay) for me these past five years. When I screw up, you set me straight. When I do good, you let me know (and you tell others, too). And when I need encouraging, you send me away for a weekend of refreshing. I could not have asked for a better "boss" in ministry than you. I know Pat loves you too (in a guy sorta way). I hope that you and Kathleen will pop by for a day or even a weekend sometime.

Stu, you see right into the heart of me. I know that I can't tell you everything's "okay" if it's not, because you are always willing to take the extra few minutes to dig deeper and ask meaningful questions. The most amazing thing is - you really do care! You have encouraged me and prayed for me more times than I can count, and you also saw my need for that very special weekend away. Thank-you for being you (and for being blue, teehee).

Dan, I cannot express how thankful I am for your wisdom and teaching to me and our church family for the past...um, forever. You challenge me, make me uncomfortable, push me to change and grow. Your advice in times of struggle gave me the courage to lead boldly and stand behind my decisions and my actions, as well as gave me the strength to admit when I was wrong and seek forgiveness. I can't express how thankful I am that we now have live streaming, so I can continue to be with family learning from you.

To all the other church staff, who are numerous and awesome. I love you guys!

Mike - you rock. The love you have given my son has grown him in ways we as his parents never could.

Kendra - your gentle spirit inspires me to be better. I watch how you lead and serve, and I learn what it means to be beautiful.

Linda - girl, you have the patience of a saint! Thank-you for always being willing to work hard with me and for being so flexible.

Ryan, Blayne, Wally - you guys are too cool for words! The work that you do is so thankless, yet you serve and smile and crack jokes. Thank-you doesn't even come close to letting you know how much I love you guys.

Nicole, Cariann, Janice, April, Pam, and Wilma - the way you make yourselves available to help us dummies in ministry is amazing. We run around like chickens without heads until we find you girls; you make this church go 'round.

Dallas - I had hoped to get to know you and Kathy and the girls, and I'm sorry that I put it off. I pray that you find the family I have found at CrossRoads. And by the way - worship has been fantastic lately (sure, I like the songs, but it isn't that - it's the spirit of worship that you bring).

Rob, Rob, Barry, and Jordan - what can I say? You guys make life fun around that place! Without you bunch of smarta@# guys around there, we'd be a pretty boring group of straight-laced Christians.

Khristie and Ginny - I am disappointed that I haven't had the chance to know you better. But let me tell you this - those bunch of fools wouldn't know what day of the week it was without you! You girls are super.

Anton - though I haven't spent much time with you, I have been thanking the Lord for bringing you to us. A huge gap has been filled in missions, and the work you are doing with the teams is simply amazing. Thank-you for seeing the importance of equipping and debriefing, and keeping in touch with our missionaries. You are a blessing.

Maggie and Aaron - words cannot possible capture what you do, what you mean to me, and how you bless me. Thank-you just doesn't seem enough. I love you!

Charlene - you keep my head on straight when it comes to the dollars and cents of ministry. Thanks for taking care of us, so often in the background. You are so appreciated.

Dwayne - no, I know, you're not staff (yet). :) I want to thank you for the way that you have mentored me and encouraged me from the very beginning. Your wise guidance and prayers have meant so much. I want you to know that BOB is you and you are BOB - they are interchangeable. It's because you walk your talk.

Mary - I saved you for last for a reason. Mary, you are a beautiful woman with much grace. The work that you do, cleaning up behind us and ahead of us, is unending. But you continue with diligence. I want you to know how precious you are to our family at CrossRoads. I'm sure you don't hear it enough, but we could NOT do ministry without you. Thank-you for all that you do.

So thank-you for loving on me today, for blessing me, for making me cry. You guys are family, and no matter how far we live (or for how long) you will always be home. You guys are what makes CrossRoads. And Jordan, fyi, I got the impression today that you don't really have that much of a problem with providing encouragement after all. :) I heart you.

P.S. If I somehow inadvertently missed someone - someone please email me right away! Yikes. Because it's so important to me to tell you all by name that I love you. After all, God called you by name to be where you are.

Making Friends

I've been reflecting a lot lately on making friends, trying to remember how to do it. As a child it was so easy - see someone about your age at the park or in the school yard, walk up to that person, introduce yourself (although, this step could easily be done much later, or omitted all together), and ask the other kid, "Would you like to be friends?" As an adult, it seems so many more personal insecurities play into the friend-making process. How did I do it several years ago when we joined our church and I felt lost, alone, and depressed? I knew I needed someone, and now I have many someones - but how did it all happen?

I remember walking into the basement of the church on a Wednesday morning, terrified. So many women, all smiling and chatting over their crafts. Ugh, how I loathe crafts! So I make my way to the coffee pot, feeling tentative but trying my best not to look either afraid or stand-off-ish. I stand back and peruse the tables filled with friends.

Where should I sit? One table seems to be "older" women - ack, one of my high school teachers is sitting there! Another table of very young women (maybe close to my age, but I feel older). There they are...a table of women who are laughing loudly, talking back and forth and over each other, shouting out greetings to women walking in the door. They look welcoming. So I take a deep breath, stand up straight, put a smile on, walk myself, my coffee, and my craft supplies (ugh) over and ask, "Is this chair taken?"

I sat, I crafted (ugh), I listened, and every now and then I talked. And though I didn't feel comfortable - no, not for one moment - something in me knew that I could be comfortable in the place...eventually.

Wednesday after Wednesday, I went, I looked, I sat. And one week, the dam broke. I had tried a couple different tables over the weeks, but this week I was back with the group of loud outgoing gals. One of them said something that got all my senses firing. I heard her say, "When I had post-partum depression after..." That whole morning I waited for a chance to talk to her somewhat privately, because she knew my pain. Eventually, over another craft, that moment came. I can't recall if we made some small talk first and I somehow led the conversation around, or if I just jumped right in. But with a choked voice and tear-filled eyes I shared with her how I was struggling with post-partum depression. And that common-thread drew us together.

The next week she invited Pat and I to join the life group they were part of. Through that group, friendships bloomed. I began to learn who I was, what I was looking for, and who I wanted to spend my time with. Because of the love from that group (which, ironically, included my old high school teacher and her husband), I found healing in my broken places and friendship for my empty spaces.

It's good to remember that time. Though my friendships have changed over the years, and I am no longer connected with the people from that original life group, I will never forget the impact of knowing them and being welcomed by them.

As we step into this next place, I will remember. Be bold. Do not be afraid. Don't allow discomfort to make me shy away. Be real and open and honest. Look for opportunities. Be willing. Friendship will come, if I look for it. But it means stepping outside the bounds of where I feel comfortable, talking to people I don't know, possibly doing crafts (ugh), and looking for that common ground.

We've all had to make new friends at one time or another. What did you do to find those connections?

Photos from Wed. Night

See why I love them so dang much?!

P.S. Today I have Megan at the children's hospital to have her tonsils removed, in hopes that this will resolve her sleep apnea. We'll be spending the night. Prayers and email/comment love appreciated. :) (Thanks to Grandma taking the day off, I am free to be here with her and can rest assured that the other 4 - while possibly making her crazy - are safe and sound.)

Loved

* If Heather emails me a picture this morning, I will add it asap. :)

I had a date night planned last night, with my sweet friend April. She picked me up when she got off work, and we headed to Tony Roma's.

When we walked in, I found it odd to see a couple gals I know - Peggy and Heather - sitting at a table with balloons on it. I thought to myself, "Hmmmm, looks like they're here for a baby shower. I wonder who it's for? I wonder why I wasn't invited? Oh, get over yourself! Go say hi and then let them get to their party, just enjoy your night out." All of these thoughts occurred in just a split second. Then I hear April ask if I'm surprised. So I pause and consider. Then I look to April, back to Peggy and Heather and their balloons, and it dawns on me - the party is for me!

To say I was shocked is probably the biggest understatement of the year.

Just after we sat, another friend - Ifie - arrived to join us for dinner. The five of us completely pigged out and enjoyed one another's company. I got to wear a special pink ribbon on my shirt that labelled me "Most Loved."

Instead of going out to a movie as we had planned, we headed back to April's house to enjoy a movie on her big movie screen. A few more friends joined us there - Angela, Karalee, Stacy, and Frieda (my mom). Of our women's ministry leadership team, only one sweet gal was missing!

The movie was loud and funny, with a few special tear-jerker moments for us girls. After the movie we roasted ourselves in the hot tub for a while (they had even lined up a bathing suit for me), and visited some more. The night was filled with conversations about marriage, sex, ministry, friends, food, clothes, and all things girlie - with a healthy dose of laughter throughout it all.

A few of these girls have regular, ongoing commitments on Wednesday nights. When it occurred to me that they had ditched out on those things to do this for me, I was "this close" to bursting into tears.

These women - I love them with my whole heart! It's hard to imagine that I will ever find such a special group of friends in our new city. Friends who will not only say they love me but show it in ridiculous, fun, and sacrificial ways. The thought of moving away from them makes me sad.

But I know that I know that God is good and He has a good plan. And I believe that He can and will provide someone special for me in SP. And as our pastor told us...moving doesn't need to mean leaving our home, it will mean that we have two safe places to call home.

Girls, thank-you for loving on me last night. I can't tell you how special and blessed I feel. It is a privilege and an honour to call you my friends and sisters. And I totally can't believe you managed to pull one over on me! Seriously, no clue...