The Job/Ministry

...continued from yesterday's post, The Email...

I do apologize for leaving you hanging two days in a row like that (not, heehee). I will now fulfill your curiosity about the details. Unless you're not curious, in which case you may not want to read this post. But don't do that! Just read it anyway, okay? I'll return the favor. {grin}

The Ministry:

Break Forth Canada - A large (15,000 attendees) annual conference for the growth and encouragement of Christians across the country, hosted in Alberta's capital city, Edmonton. The place is teeming with top-notch speakers and worship artists, ready to share what God has put on their hearts.

I have had the privilege of attending Break Forth three (or is it four?) years in a row. Each year I showed up expecting God to speak to me personally, to change my heart, and to move in my life. I have not been disappointed.

So when I saw the position posted on their Facebook page, I could not resist the thought of being a part of something that has played such a significant role in my walk with the Lord.

The Job:

Facility and Exhibit Coordinator - The conference offers over 150 workshops, each requiring space, equipment, and volunteers. Those workshops are taught by various speakers, teachers, and musicians who will have specific needs, from accommodations to the room set-up. That's the "facility" part of the job. The conference also hosts a large 'trade fair' style exhibitors centre, where roughly 100 ministries can set up a table and share what they do. The exhibit hall also requires space, equipment, and volunteers. That's the "exhibit" part of the job.

Thankfully, this position was held by the same highly organized person for the past six years, so there will be a clear template for me to follow. And from what I hear, she also really loved lists!

The Hours:

The position is, overall, part-time. The number of hours per day and the number of days per week vary month-by-month, depending on how close we're approaching to Break Forth. The month of the conference (January) will be full-time. But the summer months - two, five-hour days per week. Pretty ideal for a mom.

The Childcare:

The more I talk to God about having my "baby" in care, the more calm I am about the whole idea. With the exception of January, it won't be full-time, so I will still have my time with him and he with me. And frankly, he is a wee bit clingy (understatement of the year); he could benefit from some time away from his Mama.

The Start Date:

I'll be going in next week for a few afternoons, just to get the lay of the land. I'll spend a few hours reading manuals and being shown around. My first "official" day will be September 6.

The Peace:

You might wonder, how do I know that now is the time (as opposed to years earlier or later)?

I don't know. But I trust God and His plan completely.

I have a sense of confirmation about how this door opened so easily when many other doors slammed in my face. I have a sense of confirmation about how the little details seem to be working out with ease. I have a sense of confirmation through my communications with the ministry founders and leaders, as I know that they are seeking God fervently and constantly.

But if I'm wrong, I still trust God and His plan completely.

I trust that God will work in my life, my family, and the ministry of Break Forth. I trust that He can take things that are wrong, misdirected, or even bad and use them for good. I trust that His desire is for all of His children to grow more like Him, and He can use all situations for our growth. And I trust that His plan is for our hope and future, not for our harm.

The Ministry:

And what of the ministry I've felt called to? The writing and speaking stuff?

I don't have a sense that any of that has changed. But in case you hadn't noticed {tongue in cheek}, the growth and progress of those areas has been glacial fairly slow.

While I could invest hundreds of hours into efforts to grow things, I truly believe that my ministry cannot grow any faster than God's pace. And He's taking it slow with me.

Perhaps because I have more to learn. Perhaps my family needs more time. Perhaps He has a certain time in mind that just hasn't come to pass yet. Perhaps because time spent serving is the most fertile garden for growing a Godly leader.

So for now, I will serve. I will wait. I will write. I will speak. And I will grow.


----------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow, fun and random summer vacation pictures.

Do blonds have more fun? I'll let you know...

The follow-up I promised to yesterday's post is going to have to wait until Monday. Just in case you were wondering. We've got a wedding to attend tomorrow and I simply must get my hair made more blond this morning. So I'm sorry, you lose out in favor of the blondness. {grin}

In the meantime, I've got two favors to ask you...

1. If you're from Sherwood Park or Edmonton, would you please take a moment to answer my brief survey? (I'm hoping to set up a FREE teaching series for women in the fall, but I need to know what topic you'd like me to focus on.) Let me know that you did the survey, and you'll have the chance to win a Chapters gift card.

And if you would like to share it with some friends (on FB, Twitter, your blog, or by email), please do! Don't forget to let me know that you've shared it, so you get extra entries in the prize draw.

2. I'm looking for some guest posts on this here blog, so that I can enjoy my summer vacation and do absolutely NOTHING. If you're interested in guest posting, just email me your post by August 3. No major guidelines, as long as you're writing for an audience of Christian women.

And hey, have a fantastic weekend!

P.S. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, why don't you click on over and follow me on Twitter and Facebook. You'll thank me later for helping you kill two minutes. {wink}

A Survey for Local Gals

If you're from Sherwood Park, Edmonton, or the surrounding area, I need your help!

I am in the process of developing a FREE Bible-based teaching series for women in Sherwood Park. In order to best address the needs of the women in our community, I'm asking for your feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to complete this survey.




Please pass it along to other women from the community, too. (You can share using this link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WRSKCBS, or just send them to this blog post.)

Once you've completed the survey, just let me know (in the comments of this post, via email, on Facebook, by text, or whatever) and you'll be entered to win a Chapters gift card! And if you send the link to friends or share in on Facebook or Twitter, let me know and you'll gain extra entries.

Would you consider taking a few minutes to answer my survey?

Click here to take survey

* If you attend the series (hopefully coming this fall), I guarantee you'll find it time well spent. It'll be worth it just for the funny faces I make while speaking!

Get Out of the Way

This morning, I was emailing back and forth with a friend about some current struggles in my life. Nothing serious, so don't worry, but stuff that needs dealing with.

I shared with her how I try to do the things I feel God has told me to do, but when the results don't seem to be coming I get frustrated and discouraged. I tell myself, "Why bother? Just give up."

Maybe it's not really me saying those words. They sound a lot more like lies from the enemy of my soul. (Hang on while I ponder this light bulb moment.)

Anyway, she wrote some words that I needed to hear:

God can use your obedience better when you obey and stay out of His way.

Obey. Then get out of the way.

Simple yet profound. Another light bulb moment in my day. Her words remind me of the words of one of my mentors, Shannon Ethridge (Author, Speaker, Life Coach, and BLAST mentor)...

Your job is obedience. God's job is results.

I keep getting hung up on results. I see that I don't have any more speaking engagements this year than I had last year, and I feel discouraged. I see that, in spite of a lot of effort with our kids, they still prefer to bicker almost constantly, and I feel frustrated. I see my credit card balance going down, down, down, then back up again, and I feel trapped. I see the number on the scale creep down by 6 lbs only to go back up by 8, and I feel defeated.

The problem with thinking this way is that anything that can be viewed as failure results in feeling discouraged, frustrated, trapped and defeated.

How I needed the reminder today that God is not an all-or-nothing God. He doesn't say, "Give me perfection or just give up." No, He just wants me to keep moving forward in faith. Trusting His promises, obeying His commands, and waiting on Him for the results.

Obey, then get out of the way, so He can do His job.

Sometimes the fruit of that obedience may result in internal change, or have impact for someone else I'll never know about. Those times when He chooses to let me experience successful results in a tangible way are a gift.

My success or failure is not defined by the tangible results. If I obey my Father, that is success.

Maybe some of you are experiencing a similar struggle right now, where you keep on doing what you feel Him asking you to do, but it just doesn't seem to be making a difference. Might I allow my friend's words to encourage you today?

Just obey.
Then get out of the way.
Your job is obedience.
God's job is results.

You Know it's Bad When...

...you view a video of your own teaching and convict yourself.

Somehow, the enemy got into our heads and convinced us that it was okay to stop tithing "for a while" while we got our debts in order. Now that the veil of deception has been lifted, I cannot believe I bought into that crap! (Yes, I said crap.)

At the poorest time in our lives, we began to tithe regularly, and God provided abundantly and exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine. Now, we live in one of the wealthiest communities in our province (not that we're necessarily wealthy) and we started to worry that maybe God wouldn't provide.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Anyway, I figured that if this was one of my "soapbox issues" and the devil managed to get me to compromise my values, maybe I'm not the only one. I hope this little message blesses and encourages you (and maybe even convicts you a bit, like it did me).

What to do When you Mess up

I had a fantastic morning yesterday, gathering together with the women of Home by Choice to talk about mommy anger. If you're here visiting from HBC, please, please, please leave a comment or send an email so I know you stopped by! All the rest of you... please, please, please leave a comment or send an email! *grin*

If this is your first visit to my blog, here are a few things that will help you get involved.

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photo from almightydad.com

Okay, let's get on with the good stuff! :)

In my session, Mommy, why are you Angry? I shared five things God has taught me in our journey to break free from my "addiction" to venting my anger and frustration on my kids. (I sure hope that you've had a chance to review the handout and are thinking about your first steps. Are you going to start exploring your childrens' love languages? Do a spiritual gifts inventory or explore Now, Discover Your Strengths for yourself? Have you started writing out those verses, phrases, and affirmations and sticking them all over your world?)

But there is an important sixth point that I still need to talk about - what should I do when I mess up?

Heaven knows that I have messed up more times than I can count on this journey! I don't know about you, but I tend to be an "all or nothing" girl. When I am trying to lose weight (when am not?!), for example, I jump in with both feet - I count points, I exercise, and I am diligent. But then someone has a birthday and messes with my system. You see, I am powerless to resist a good, fat slice of cake. And once I let that one piece pass my lips, I begin to feel defeated. I lost the battle, so I may as well quit trying. And I fall face-first, mouth wide open off the wagon. This all or nothing mindset carries to most areas of my life, including yelling. I resolve to never yell again, and when I slip up and let a frustrated holler go I feel weak and discouraged, so I just give up. Then at least I can say "I'm just a yeller" - as opposed to being a mom who is trying to change, but keeps on failing.

Is anyone relating to this?!

Here are three quick tips on dealing with the inevitable mess ups:

1. Celebrate every little success.

We can't experience success if we look at life through the all or nothing lens. If our goal is perfection, we will constantly fall short. So stop resolving to be perfect! Start resolving to do better next time. Take it one frustrating experience at a time. And if next time you want to lose your cool but instead give yourself a time out - you have succeeded! Write it down! Celebrate! Pat yourself on the back! And don't forget to praise the Lord!

2. Always ask forgiveness.

There will be next times when the yelling still sneaks out. The one thing we can never afford to do is ignore those mistakes. When we ignore sin and pretend it isn't there, it grows. We need to allow God to bring our sin into His light, so He can remove it. When we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us - every single time (yes, even if it's the 10,000th time). Remember, too, that God isn't the only One we need to seek forgiveness from - so many angry words can be instantly healed by the simple act of telling our children that we're sorry.

(See 1 John 1:9. Use a concordance or biblegateway to look up some verses containing the words "repent," "forgive," and "confess.")

3. Pray about your anger every day.

Event today, when I am (finally) less "angry mommy" and more "mommy who sometimes messes up and gets angry," I still ask God to help me with my anger every. single. day. I plan to continue to do so until the day I die. You see, when something begins to gain victory over us, we will (in most cases) always be particularly susceptible to that struggle. For example, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago. Obviously, I am no longer addicted. Yet put me in a certain situation, especially with other smokers, and my foolish mind begins to entertain thoughts of having "just one drag." The enemy knows our areas of weakness, and he is relentless in his pursuit of our failure! The best guard we have against his tricks and temptations is daily prayer for protection and strength.

Basically, it all comes down to changing our thinking. (Sound familiar?) To continue the whole diet analogy, we have to stop thinking like we're on a diet, and begin living like we're making a lifestyle change. It's not all or nothing, but one step at a time toward the goal. And while our daily weigh-ins may not all show the results we're looking for, if we begin to track progress over time (remember #1 - write down those successes) we will see positive change!

One last thing I want to say to you. When you mess up, you are not a bad mom. Wait, I'm not sure you're really hearing that. You are not a bad mom! When you mess up, you are a good mom who messed up. So say, "Oops," and keep moving forward. Because you are a good mom! You are exactly the mom God chose for your children. Say it with me, I am a good mom!

There are lots of other resources on my blog relating to anger, to figuring out your calling, and for spiritual growth and encouragement. (There are also lots of mindless tidbits about me and my life.) Please stay a while and surf around. I just love visitors! :) Here are the links to a couple number of posts I think you'll enjoy:


The Dot System - a seriously brilliant organizing tip for moms with multiple kids

How to be Superwoman (or not), parts one and two - how to "do it all"

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks - a few tips in anger management, plus a familiar story

Children Aren't all that Different - sometimes the most helpful parenting tips can be found in dog training books

When God Messes up Your Plans - just one example of what my faith means to me and how what I believe affects how I live

This will make you feel Better about Yourself - a pathetic tale of my day starring as "worst mother in the world"

To Know Him...

I want to say a special hello to the women of Mt. Olive Evangelical Free Church this morning. It was such an honour to meet you and share my heart with you this weekend! Thank you for having me. I pray that I didn't get in the way of what God wanted you to hear from Him, but that His heart for you was communicated through the words I spoke.

Today, I'd like to encourage you to take the time to get to know Him more. More personally and more intimately - the way He knows us.

Do you build a friendship with the woman next door simply by wishing to become friends? Do you fall in love because you desire to be in love? No. If only it were that easy! But just as we develop human relationships by investing time and energy, so it is true of our relationship with God. There is only one way that we can come to know our God the way He has invited us to. We need to spend time with Him.

As we visited on Saturday morning, did you wonder, "How come some people seem to really "hear" from God? And why don't I?" Maybe you found yourself wishing, "I would love to know if I am where God wants me to be in life. How do I figure that out?" Perhaps you thought, "I wonder if I've ever really known God at all..."

The answer to all of those questions is the same... Spend time with Him. Every day. If we want to know God's heart, we need to read His Word (it's His love letter to you). We can share our joys and trials with Him through prayer. We seek out His guidance by taking time to be still and listen. And if we want to learn and grow, we need to stay closely connected to a church family.

The answer is deceptively simple, because I know how easy it is to let these spiritual practices slip. Life is busy, distractions are constant, and we are tired. I think that's why they're called practices - we need to work at them daily (kinda like how our mom's made us practice the piano when we were young). My prayer for you (and me) is that we will approach our relationships with God with renewed energy and commitment today, so that we might truly know Him.

Remember...
In order to truly know God, we must acknowledge Him, recognize Him, and know Him by experience.
Acknowledge - Deuteronomy 4:39
Recognize - John 1:10
Experience - John 8:31 (Msg)

Thank you for visiting today, both to those of you who have been coming by for a while and to those who are here for the first time. I treasure your company. (Don't forget to leave a comment saying, "Hi!" so that I can thank God specifically for you and your friendship. All you have to do is click where it says, "__ shared their thoughts" at the bottom of this post, then follow the prompts.)

If you would like to take some time this week with God, pouring through His Word and meditating on His Names, feel free to download the Names of God for your personal use.

May you enjoy the treasure of an intimate friendship with God our Saviour, who came to earth as a human infant, so that we would not be alone in this cold world. Immanu El, God with Us.

Much love,

But God, I don't even like women!

I used to despise my own gender. Girls can be so unkind, manipulative, and fickle, especially in their teen years. After a few hurtful experiences, I determined that it was preferable to spend my time with boys. I hung out with them at school and work. They were my "buddies" and my confidantes. (In fact, Pat was one of my BFFs in high school.)

No one was more surprised than me when I ended up in women's ministry. How can a woman who really doesn't like other women possibly do women's ministry?!

It began as a desire to have my needs met, seeing that no one else was going to meet them, and doing something about it. It grew into a vision of wanting women's hearts to be changed, so that instead of being in competition with one another we would become sisters. Eventually, through working alongside other women for years, my passion grew to include mentoring other women in leadership.

Funny thing is, in order to lead a women's ministry, one is required to work side-by-side with other women all the time! Even funnier, I discovered a deep love for my own gender that I never thought I could feel.

Jen asked, What stirs great passion and restlessness in your soul?

The answer is: women. I think it can be summed up best by one line in my bio...
[My] desire is to see women experiencing the freedom and fellowship that come from leading transparent lives, developing strong spiritual habits, and discovering the power of Christ in their lives and ministries.

This desire is what spurred me to first start blogging, to begin writing my book, and even to launch my speaking ministry. Not only am I passionate to impact women for Christ, but ministries. In particular, women's ministries. Because if we want the women in our churches to grow, it needs to begin in the leadership.

My number one and two passions are ministry to women and equipping/mentoring for women's ministry leaders. Coming up a close third is marriage. And missions. Then abstinence/healthy sexuality. And of course, being a special needs mom. Oh, and tithing and giving. And... Okay, I tend to be a passionate person overall! This list pretty much sums it up. (P.S. Feel free to share my bio with your women's ministry leader when planning your next event. Okay? *wink*)

Since it's such a great question, I'm stealing it... So tell me, what stirs great passion and restlessness in your soul?

How to be Superwoman (or not), part two

I'm still answering a question posed to me last week. If you haven't yet, go ahead and read part one. Then when you hop back here it won't seem as though I'm starting in the middle of a thought.

Step Three: Make time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

We've all heard it said that people make time for what's important to them. It's true. Writing is important to me, so I tackle it early in the morning before doing much of anything else (besides getting the kids off to school). I won't even start a load of laundry before writing on my blog, because I know that I am far too easily distracted.

I used to give myself "Facebook time" while I ate my lunch, until I realized that I was allowing myself to waste an hour (or more) every day doing nothing! Instead, I now watch BLAST* teaching videos while I eat my lunch. (Just a note, on weekdays I don't eat lunch with the kids. I feed them, and once they're done and into quiet time/nap I sit down for mine.)

Not only do we need to make time for the important stuff and get rid of the time killers, we really need to allow ourselves to become okay with leaving some things undone (whether for today or forever). There are times when my house looks like a sty and I make the kids pull out the "cleanest" jeans from the dirty laundry pile. There are times when my desk looks like a hurricane victim and I will actually choose to throw away some things that could/should be done. I have only been parent helper at school once so far this year, and probably only two or three times last year (whereas some moms - the really good ones who I want to be like when I grow up - are there twice a month). And I have not placed a photo in an album since Megan's birth more than seven years ago. So yeah, I don't do it all! Not at all.

Step Four: Find your own super power.

Each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. ~1 Corinthians 7:7b
Do not neglect your gift... ~1 Timothy 4:14a

I just need to say one more thing about how I get done all that I need to... It's all about personality and giftings! I like to be busy, I thrive on a full schedule, and I function best with my hands full. It's a fine balance between really busy and too busy, but I'd like to think I'm self-aware enough that I usually pick up on the signals that I'm doing too much fairly quickly.

The fact is, I'm a deadline girl and I always have been. Homework assignments, exams, pumping gas, waitressing - all were done best when I was under pressure. Recently, as my schedule began to fill up with Heart to Heart stuff and Logos society things, Pat told me he was excited - excited for me to finally be busy because he knew he'd be fed yummier meals in a tidier house, all while I was actually (finally) getting to work on my book.

Maybe it's not even that I thrive on being busy so much as I am too lazy to be allowed to be idle.

If you're not built like me, then you'll never be the kind of non-Superwoman I am. Each of us needs to find our own super powers. If you do best with the slow and steady method, that is your super power. Work with it. Embrace it. And for goodness sake, tell me how you always seem to be so calm, cool, and collected!

Lynne, Bobbie, does this answer your question? I know I didn't include a daily schedule for you Bobbie, but I'm hoping this gives a pretty clear picture. Does it? Thanks for asking! (I can feel my brain beginning to click again.)


* If you are pursuing a ministry in speaking and writing, and BLAST catches your interest - definitely DO IT! The learning has been invaluable. And if you register, make sure you let Shannon (Ethridge) know I sent you, and she'll give me a bit of a discount on my tuition. ;)

How to be Superwoman (or not), part one

In my Just Ask post last week, Lynne posed the question:
How do you get everything done for your family, not neglect your relationship with God, and find time to write too?

Bobbie's question was similar:
I have a general question but want specific answers.... How do you do it all? I mean, really, HOW do you do it all? What practical things do you do every day to fit in all that you've got going on? What does a few of your daily schedules look like? Do you use the crock pot to cook dinner a lot? Are you super organized? I need tips to be more productive in my own life!

So I figured it would be helpful share my four-step tutorial on How to be Superwoman (or not). Because I prefer to use more words than necessary, I'll split this into two posts. You'll thank me later.

Step One: Never neglect time with God.

I delight in Your decrees; I will not neglect Your Word. ~Psalm 119:16
Okay, that's not to say that I never neglect time with God. But I shouldn't. And neither should you. Know what I mean?

In my world, experiencing quiet time cannot occur if children are awake. And given my bent toward complete and utter couch vegetation after they're tucked in for the evening, the twilight hours are ruled out. By process of elimination, I've found that my relationship with God is best fostered in the wee hours of the morning.

A number of years ago I started rising an hour before the kids so that I would have enough time for coffee, prayer, listening, Bible study, Bible reading, Scripture memory, and worship. No, I don't do all of those things every morning! But I do probably tackle each of them once or twice over a two-week period.

I also don't view my quiet time as my only time of day to be in relationship with the Lord. He and I converse throughout the day. If I'm unsure about making a certain purchase while out grocery shopping, I ask God. If I am running late for an appointment but make it on time anyway thanks to low traffic and lots of green lights, I thank Him. If I have six million things on my "to do" list that day, I ask God where to start, and what to do next all day. Whatever doesn't get done, I trust is something that He didn't need me to take care of that day.

If you ever hear me being frazzled, flustered, or stressed, you can pretty much be assured that I've forgotten step one. The tough thing for me is that all of my secrets are revealed in my writing. Although, the knowledge that you will be able to tell when I'm not in close fellowship with my Abba is a pretty good accountability tool!

Step Two: Schedule, schedule, schedule.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. ~Proverbs 31:27
I like to feel organized. I didn't say that I am organized, but I like to feel as though I am. One thing that helps me is to schedule everything that I can.

Social life - While building friendships is very important to me (and also one thing God has called me to do), I tend to be very particular about how I make and take time to do so. If we're going to have coffee and a visit together, we will often email back and forth a few times to schedule a date and time - frequently up to two weeks away. But when I make these dates, I commit to myself to keep them (I really, really try not to cancel). Things like girls' night out, home parties, and so on only happen for me a couple times a year. It's worth saying that I have great friends who understand my priorities and my calling. I pray that they can say the same of me.

Marriage - I book a date night roughly every second weekend (on paydays). This has been an integral part of our marriage for several years. I also try to schedule my "work" during the day, so that my evenings are free to hang out with my man. I like to sit on the couch reading a good book next to him as he watches the hockey game. (Really, there is only so much hockey a girl can take! Even a Canadian one.)

Household duties - I used to try to get all my housework done on one day of the week. A grueling five-hour day of utter exhaustion. This house is too big for that, and the laundry far too demanding! We've recently begun doing the house cleaning as a family on the weekends, and I am really enjoying it! We tend to be homebodies on the weekends anyway, so it's not cutting into anything, and everyone seems to enjoy working together. I haven't fine-tuned the laundry thing yet, but so far it seems to be working well to simply toss in a load whenever I pass by the machines. The kids all put away their own laundry (well, put away is used very loosely).

When it comes to meals, I do best with a meal plan. Having a monthly meal plan helps me know what are the essential purchases, what meat to pull out of the freezer in the morning (or the night before), and how much prep time I'll need. Planning meals means I can decide which days require crock pot cooking in advance (activity nights) and which days I can do something bigger. I must confess that I have been lacking a meal plan for months now. The unfortunate solution has been too much eating out and too many dinners of kid fare (mini pizzas, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.).

Family time - Busy or not, it's hard to get quality time together with a family of seven. So we try to get our time where we can... Family movie night, swimming, skating, walking the dog, going to the playground (neither of those last two really happens for 8 months of the year).

Pat and I also try to take individual dates with each child once or twice over the course of the school year. What works for me is to "blitz" them - I email Pat with four occasions (we don't really need to take Kai out yet) that all occur within two weeks. I try to combine our date nights with things that need to get done anyway. For example, I'll take someone for dinner and then we'll grocery shop together.

--------------------------
Pop back here tomorrow, and I'll conclude my answer to Lynne and Bobbie's question with steps three and four on How to be Superwoman (or not).

Do You Know Him?

In doing some prep work and research for a message I'll be sharing early next month, I re-discovered this powerful message.

Of all the descriptors Dr. S.M. Lockridge uses for Our King, which one speaks to you the most and why?

Thing Six: What to do when you mess up

This morning I am packing up to take my kiddos and dog home from a weekend of worship and fellowship. For many years I volunteered at the Freshwind conference, hauling chairs around and cleaning bathrooms (okay, honestly, I usually tried to delegate the bathrooms), but this year was special. At this year's conference, I had the huge privilege of being one of the workshop speakers. Can I just say - my body and mind are just as exhausted as they have been every other year! (Honestly, though, I do know those volunteers had to deal with a lot more crap than I did! If you were there, you know what I mean ;))

Not only did I enjoy the hours of catching up with some old friends (you know who you are), but I had the opportunity to meet some new ones. I just want to send a quick shout out to them: Rhiannon, Kathy from New Sarepta, Heidi, Monika, Pam, Charlotte and friends from Calgary, and Pam and Wendy from "the Park," and about 90 others whose names I didn't learn. Hi girls! Thanks for spending your time with me Saturday afternoon. :)

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Okay, let's get on with the good stuff! :)

In my session, Mommy, why are you Angry? I shared five things God has taught me in our journey to break free from my "addiction" to venting my anger and frustration on my kids. (I sure hope that, if you were in my session on Saturday, you've had a chance to review the handout and are thinking about your first steps. Are you going to start exploring your childrens' love languages? Do a spiritual gifts inventory for yourself? Have you started writing out those verses and sticking them all over your world?) But there is an important sixth point that I still need to talk about - what should I do when I mess up?

Heaven knows that I have messed up more times than I can count on this journey! I don't know about you, but I tend to be an "all or nothing" girl. When I am trying to lose weight (when am not?!), for example, I jump in with both feet - I count points, I exercise, and I am diligent. But then someone has a birthday and messes with my system. You see, I am powerless to resist a good, fat slice of cake. And once I let that one piece pass my lips, I begin to feel defeated. I lost the battle, so I may as well quit trying. And I fall face-first, mouth wide open off the wagon. This all or nothing mindset carries to most areas of my life, including yelling. I resolve to never yell again, and when I slip up and let a frustrated holler go I feel weak and discouraged, so I just give up. Then I'm just "a yeller" as opposed to being a mom who is trying to change but is a failure.

Is anyone relating to this?!

Here are three quick tips on dealing with the inevitable mess ups:

1. Celebrate every little success.

We can't experience success if we look at life through the all or nothing lens. If our goal is perfection, we will constantly fall short. So stop resolving to be perfect! Start resolving to do better next time. Take it one frustrating experience at a time. And if next time you want to lose your cool but instead give yourself a time out - you have succeeded! Write it down! Celebrate! Pat yourself on the back! And don't forget to praise the Lord!

2. Always ask forgiveness.

There will be next times when the yelling still sneaks out. The one thing we can never afford to do is ignore those mistakes. When we ignore sin and pretend it isn't there, it grows. We need to allow God to bring our sin into His light, so He can remove it. When we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us - every single time (yes, even if it's the 10,000th time). Remember, too, that God isn't the only One we need to seek forgiveness from - so many angry words can be instantly healed by the simple act of telling our children that we're sorry.

(See 1 John 1:9. Use a concordance to look up some verses containing the words "repent," "forgive," and "confess.")

3. Pray about your anger every day.

Event today, when I am (finally) less "angry mommy" and more "mommy who sometimes messes up and gets angry," I still ask God to help me with my anger every single day. I plan to continue to do so until the day I die. You see, when something begins to gain victory over us, we will (in most cases) always be particularly susceptible to that struggle. For example, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago. Obviously, I am no longer addicted. Yet put me in a certain situation, especially with other smokers, and my foolish mind begins to entertain thoughts of having "just one drag." The enemy knows our areas of weakness, and he is relentless in his pursuit of our failure! The best guard we have against his tricks and temptations is daily prayer for protection and strength.

Basically, it all comes down to changing our thinking. (Sound familiar?) To continue the whole diet analogy, we have to stop thinking like we're on a diet, and begin living like we're making a lifestyle change. It's not all or nothing, but one step at a time toward the goal. And while our daily weigh-ins may not all show the results we're looking for, if we begin to track progress over time (remember #1 - write down those successes) we will see positive change!

One last thing I want to say to you. When you mess up, you are not a bad mom. Wait, I'm not sure you're really hearing that. You are not a bad mom! When you mess up, you are a good mom who messed up. So say, "Oops," and keep moving forward. Because you are a good mom! You are exactly the mom God chose for your children. Say it with me, I am a good mom!

There are lots of other resources on my blog relating to anger, to figuring out your calling, and for spiritual growth and encouragement. (There are also lots of mindless tidbits about me and my life.) Please stay a while and surf around. I just love visitors! :) Here are the links to a couple number of posts I think you'll enjoy:

Friday Feast (our four-week challenge to read God's Word daily)
Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (a few tips in anger management)
How to Help an Angry Mom (a series, parts 3 & 4 are all about child training)
When God Messes up Your Plans (how God has been working in my life)
Are You Burying Your Talents? (wondering what your calling is? this might help)

Can You Say Random?!

I feel as though I've done a lot of "writer" posting lately and not a whole lot of "Tyler" posting. Really, the "writer" stuff is still me, my junk, and my life. But it's more deep thinking stuff - more often - than what my meagre little brain is used to. And sometimes a girl just needs to tell somebody what she's up to!

Did I mention we found a new church? Maybe I failed to even mention we were looking. Oops! It was a great fit from the very first Sunday we attended: the pastor was great, the kids loved Sunday school, we felt welcomed. Once we decided it would be our new home church, I emailed about getting involved with the women's ministry leadership team. We went for lunch to get to know each other and made it official. One of the best things I've discovered is this: I have finally learned how to survive without being the leader! And you know what? I kinda like not having all that responsibility.

We have a cool program in the public schools here called "Logos" (the Word) that offers a Christian education within the public school. Love it! Anyway, we've got 3 of 'em populating the program right now, and will be adding a fourth in two years, so I felt it was important to get involved. I'm going to spend the year learning the ropes so that next year I can be the Logos Rep for our school. I'm not 100% sure what all that entails, but I do know there's one Logos meeting and one school/parent council meeting each month.

Last week I had a strange attack of loneliness. I was very weepy about it. (I'm sure it didn't help that it was my "cranky week.") I'm still feeling lonely this week, but realized the source of the problem. It's not that we don't really have any couple friends yet (we do, but it's all still new). It's not that we aren't in a life group yet (we are, finally, but we won't start meeting until after Haiti). It's not starting over at a new church. It's not seeing the ministry I left behind growing beautifully. It's not the fact that two friends are now working full-time and no longer available for my housecleaning phone calls (and by the way, how am I ever going to get any housework done without them?!).

The problem is me. Somewhere along the way, I started thinking about "me, me, me" and what I need/want/deserve/wish for. I forgot about the "Why am I here?" "What can I do to honour God here?" "Who can I bless or encourage?" "Who needs me to reach out to them?" Knowing that there's a problem is the first step... Now, if I can only get over myself and focus on being a blessing! (I suspect that this is where the deep, true, long-lasting, spend every waking moment together friendships are found.)

What else? Oh, I started doing Zumba (pronounced zoom-bah) a few weeks ago! Super fun and sweaty exercise. The only problem is that Zumba is the night before karate. By the time Thursday rolls around, I'm limping and moaning as my muscles creak and my bones crack. It's really quite pathetic!

I'm almost afraid to say this (lest I jinx it, except that I don't believe in such things), but I finally seem to be losing some weight. It's slow. Like, 8 pounds in 12 weeks slow. But I progressed down enough that I now have 2 pairs of jeans to choose from. Thank goodness, because my one fat pair is beginning to wear out! I credit my success (let's use that term very loosely) to changed thinking, and I credit that to Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave. I promise to give you a really scoopy post about the book in December once it's primed for release. If you have any sort of food issues at all, you better go ahead and put the book on your wishlist. It's that good! (And no, it is NOT a diet book. Not at all.)

One last thing. Did I tell you that I am going to be speaking later this month?! Yes, I speak every day all day, but this is for an audience with a purpose! I'll be doing a breakout workshop on Mommy, why are you Angry? at the Freshwind conference for women. Can you believe it?! I feel like such a grown up!

I feel better now. How about you? No? Sorry. If you made it this far, though, I thank you. Really, it means a lot to be able to just talk. So hey - what's going on in your world these days?

By the way, I know I should link you to a fun Zumba video, info about Lysa's new book, the conference I'll be at, and more. But I'm feeling kinda lazy today. I know you'll google them if you really want to know. Right? That's just how comfortable I am with you. It's a compliment. Just like it's a compliment when I don't clean the toothpaste out of the bathroom sink before you come for a visit. It's a sign of affection. Mkay? ;)

Obsessed by Unbelief

(The post I mentioned yesterday - you know, the one for friends and spouses of women who struggle with anger - is gonna have to wait 'til Monday. Something came up and I had to get it out today!)

In my life, I have noticed a direct link between worry and prayer. I believe it's referred to as an inverse relationship. That is, when I am filled with worry over something, chances are good that I haven't been praying about it very much.

I have spent many mornings this month confessing my worry to the Lord and asking Him to replace my fretting thoughts with the peace and truth of His Word. But not until this very moment did it occur to me what is really going on...

First, all the while I've been calling it "worry" or "fear" or "fretting." The plain truth is that what I am allowing to go on in my mind is nothing short of unbelief. I am not believing that:
- God is who He says He is, and
- God can do what He says He can do. *
I have allowed my heart and mind to slip away from, what I believe, are the foundational truths of my faith.

Second, I have become obsessed. "What we allow our minds to dwell on, there our hearts will be also." (I feel as though that should be in quotes, because I'm certain they're not my words. But for the life of me I cannot recall who said them or where they might be in the Bible. Feel free to fill in the blank.) My thoughts have been so focused on this one "problem" that it has become this thing that I am constantly thinking about. I wish that I were as obsessed with God as I have become over this small issue. Imagine if all I could think about all the time were God and His Word!

Third, (and I don't know why it has taken several weeks for this to occur to me) this is a spiritual battle. Given all the God-sized plans we see in our family's future (missions trip, speaking to women, new church connections, and more), I guess it's not surprising that the enemy would try to come at us. But if I know anything about spiritual warfare, it's this - victory is ours! All that we need to do is claim the authority we have been given in Christ and the enemy will be utterly defeated!

While this post was written mostly for my own benefit (first I live it, then I write it, then I process it), I will say that your prayers for our family would not go to waste. Thanks for listening, friends.

Can I pray for you? If there is anything I can pray for you about, please let me know (either in the comments or via email). It would be an honour to lift up your needs before the Lord. And goodness knows I need to get my heart and mind focused on something other than myself! Sheesh!

* From Beth Moore's "Believing God." (If you've never done this study, you should! Foundational, faith-growing, life changing.)

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (revisited)

This is a special re-post (with a few revisions) for my friends at Heart to Heart, with whom I shared this very story yesterday... (The rest of you are, of course, welcome to read it again!)

Thank-you for stopping by. I pray that my story, at the very least, has shown you that you are not alone! This mothering thing can be so hard, and it's okay to admit that we aren't perfect.

Today, you will find that I've added some tips for moms dealing with anger. If you stop by again tomorrow, I'll have some tips for others (that is, for those whose spouse or friend or relative struggles with anger). I do hope that you'll come back!

If you'd like to share your thoughts, you can leave a comment at the end of this post. (Please do! You have no idea how much I love your comments! They are my encouragement and source of inspiration.) To leave a comment, simply click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. Then follow the instructions in the pop-up window. If you don't have a google account, or would rather not leave your name, just click "anonymous."


The other morning I was supervising Braeden (12) as he went through his morning routine. Because of his cerebral palsy, Braeden's motor control isn't always the greatest, and I suspected that he wasn't doing the best job brushing his teeth. I was watching and coaching, "Okay, now the bottom. Do the back part. No, not there, the inside. Okay, now the outside. No, no, no, here!" He brushed the same areas over and over again, missing the same two spots with every back-and-forth of the brush. It was clear to me that this was not really a motor control issue, but more of a pre-teen laziness thing. My jaw clenched just a little bit as my frustration mounted.

I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.

I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...

And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.

I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."

As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.


How to stop anger in its tracks:

1. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.

2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.

3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*

4. Breathe.

5. Pay attention to the times of day (or month) that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).

6. Always ask for forgiveness.

7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.


Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!


* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.

New Beginnings

There's a whole lotta new stuff going on in the Rowan household this fall. I'm not sure you really want to know all about it, but I'm going to pretend that you do. Okay? :)

Shea (5) has started Kindergarten! She loves it, thinks it's super cool, and is especially enamoured with the bus. Five mornings per week, four of my children are at school. Wow!

Malakai (3 next week) has had his first visit to Preschool! Starting next Tuesday, he will begin attending two mornings per week. Two mornings per week, five of my children are in school. (Yes, that's all of them.) Unbelievable!

Pat is preparing to return to Haiti this fall (he was there last fall as well). Last year they were laboring to put the finishing touches on the trade school run by Haiti Arise Ministries. This year they will be hard at work rebuilding the homes of the HAM staff and community members, as well as possibly working on an elementary school. The trade school had to be demolished after the earthquake, and HAM will be rebuilding it eventually.

(On a side note, in order to serve on this missions trip, each team member is required to fund raise his or her own support. They each need approximately $2000 for the whole trip and it needs to be in by September 26th. With two and a half weeks remaining, we are sitting about $1200 shy of meeting our fundraising goal. If you just read those words and felt God nudging your heart, please email me to find out how to partner with our family in sending Pat out to share the love of Jesus in Haiti.)

Our family has found a church home. Finally! After being so involved for so many years, it was not an easy task to find a new church! We are waiting to get connected in a small group and I have hopped on board with the women's ministry. The kids love it there and the Pastor is a man who is not afraid to preach the Truth straight from God's Word!

In just over a month I will be speaking on Mommy, Why are you Angry? at the Freshwind Women's Conference (in a breakout session). I am both thrilled and terrified, yet resting assured that God is in complete control.

There are, of course, a million other new things about to begin - dance lessons, skating lessons, karate, hockey, and zumba... But we've all got that kind of crazy, don't we?! What is God doing NEW in your life this fall? Is He calling you to a new ministry? Blessing you with a new addition? Moving you to a new home? Showering you anew with His grace and mercy? Please share; I'd love to hear...

Fans, Followers, and all that Jazz

If you've been around here any amount of time, you have likely heard about the book I am (slowly) working on, Mommy, why are you Angry? In the event that you're new here - Welcome! Thanks for visiting! I do hope you'll stay a while. - here's a summary:

While most women hope and plan to become a mother, few intend to spend their days feeling frustrated with their children, overreacting, yelling, being short-tempered, and more. Many women experience this ongoing struggle with anger, yet they are frequently so burdened with feelings of shame and guilt that their anger becomes a closely-guarded secret.

By transparently sharing her own prior struggles as an angry mother to five, Tyler will convey two truths every woman needs to hear: “You are not alone!” and “You can have victory over your anger!” With a Christ-centred and practical approach, Mommy, Why Are You Angry? will provide women with the strategies - both spiritual and hands-on - that will help them to find freedom from anger, and thus become the mothers God intended them to be.

I have been incredibly blessed to have the opportunity - two years in a row - to attend an amazing conference for writers and speakers. Over the course of those two weekends, I presented my book proposal to four publishing houses and two literary agents. Everyone liked the idea! Yay! The proposal even made it all the way to pub. board - a bunch of folks at the publishing house meet and talk about all the books they're considering - WooHoo! - before hitting the wall. The wall was, in essence, that I am a nobody. Okay, you don't have to get all worried about my self-esteem! I know that I'm somebody to at least 5 or 6 people! But in the world of book publishing, a previously unpublished author with a teeny tiny blog doesn't amount to the kind of "somebody" they are looking for.

The thing about book publishing these days is that it's no longer just about having a great message or good writing. Publishers don't like to take risks with their money; they want a sure thing. For a publisher to think your idea (or mine) is a sure thing they are looking for those first two factors plus a large platform. In other words, a whole lotta fans! You see, fans are kinda like "guaranteed sales."

I have been wrestling with this whole platform issue for over a year. There's something about it that feels so...self-aggrandizing. Like me! Follow me! Last night, though, God was not going to let me sleep until we did some business. (I confess, it may have also had something to do with the coke slurpee I had at 9pm.) I felt Him telling me that not only did He give me a message to share, but that He needs me to do some work to let people know I've got a message about the life-changing power of Jesus Christ! I sensed Him asking me why I was resistant to using the social media outlets that have proven to build the platforms of others, social media outlets that He is using to get His message out. It occurred to me that I was not resistant because I didn't want to appear prideful, but I was resisting because of my fear and insecurity. What if no one "likes" me?!

At 2am last night (I guess that would actually be this morning), I sat down and created a facebook fan page. While the page bears my name and my head shot, it isn't a place for people to come and love me and tell me how great I am. No, it's one more small place for me to share what God has been placing on my heart in the hope that it draws even more women to Him. And if I am faithful in telling others of His glory, He will draw as many "fans," "followers," and "friends" as He decides are necessary.

Just like I can't sit here in front of my computer screen and hope that God magically and mysteriously turns my thoughts into the book He's given me to write, I also cannot merely wish and pray a platform into existence. Not only has He given me a book to write and a message to share, He has given me - entrusted me with - the task of doing the work to get that message out there! To let women know that, with God and God alone, they don't have to be angry anymore!

All that to say, Hey, wanna be my fan?!

I'm also making myself available for speaking engagements. So if your church ministry, women's event, or MOPS group is looking for someone... ;)

Sing praises to the Lord who reigns...Tell the world of His unforgettable deeds. ~Psalm 9:11 (NLT)

My Heart is in Haiti

Last year, after Pat returned from Haiti, we decided that we would plan to go every year - together. Yes, this will cut into Pat's vacation time from work. Yes, this will cut into our finances (even if we raised funds for the trip, there are still child care expenses - 5 kids, 2 weeks...). Yes, this will likely mean that we could no longer do couple's getaways that were any longer than a weekend. But to be a part of the mighty work God is doing in Haiti - all those sacrifices are worth it!

One thing we didn't account for - what if God's plans are different than ours?

The most difficult decisions to make are always those which have us choosing between two (or more) options, all of which are very good. In June, I was invited to speak in a breakout session at a well-known local women's conference. The date of the conference was smack dab in the middle of this year's Haiti trip. One of the hardest decisions of my life. Ever.

We prayed. We discussed. We made lists. (Okay, I made lists.) We asked others for prayer and wise counsel.

Ultimately, God made the decision for us. The conference coordinator needed an answer, and we had not yet heard back as to whether we were accepted on the team to go to Haiti and serve with Haiti Arise Ministries. With a mix of joy, fear, and a bit of sorrow, I accepted the invitation to speak.

Two days later, we received an email letting us know they were checking references for Haiti. Sigh.

Pat will be going to Haiti again this fall, helping to rebuild the trade school that they helped complete last year (following the earthquake, it was deemed structurally unsound - is that a word? - and had to be demolished). And while I know that God orchestrated each detail, as the planning gets underway for Haiti I can't help but feel a little left behind.

As I was praying for the team this morning and for the people of Haiti, I shared my sorrow with God. He reminded me that Haiti is not going anywhere, and there will be a need for teams to continue going in for years to come. Then He encouraged me with the words shared by Angela Thomas at She Speaks:

Sometimes, it's not your turn yet. Become a woman who is ready, so that when God says, "now" you can jump right in.

This year, it is not my turn to be by my husband's side in Haiti. But I will continue to prepare my heart, because when God tells me it is my turn I sure don't want to be the one telling Him I'm not ready!

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I humbly ask that you would join me in praying for Pat and the rest of the team as they prepare for this trip. If you feel called to contribute financially, please send me a private email and I will forward to you the support letter and forms (all contributions are taxable donations and will receive a receipt from the church).

Here's a video Pat made from the (thousands) of pictures of last year's trip.

Mommy, Why Are You Angry?

Here is the video of my first sample talk for my She Speaks peer evaluation group. It's not my best - nerves, nerves, nerves - but I hope there are some words of encouragement for you in spite of the less-than-fantastic delivery.



(P.S. I am totally open to critique and suggestions! Anything you can offer to help me become a more effective message deliverer for Jesus is a gift. As long as it's wrapped up in love. I'm all about the loving suggestions for improvement!)

When God Messes Up Your Plans

I am a planner and a list-maker. I like to know what is ahead, what my next step should be. I do not like it when my plans get messed with! (Some people may refer to that tendency as “control issues.”)

This weekend, I breezed into a luxurious conference hotel with big plans. As my heeled sandals tapped out their little clickity-clack tune, I ticked items off the checklist.

Click – Attend meetings to pitch book proposal.

Clack – Take copious notes as I learn everything I need to know about speaking and writing and building my ministry.

Click – Have a Jesus weekend, experiencing Him in fresh new ways.

Clack – Network with people in the industry.

Clickity-clack, clickity-clack.

Day one ultimately went as planned. I had a fantastic meeting with one editor who accepted my proposal. The literary agent I sat down with also invited me to send her my proposal. I learned so much about marketing, speaking, and writing in so few hours that I wondered if it really might be possible for someone’s brain to explode. The hours I spent in sleep that evening were too few, yet I awoke energized, confident, and ready to clickity-clack my way through the plans for the next day.

A little-known secret at writer’s conferences is that you can often get squeezed in to see more editors than you were originally scheduled to meet with if you stop by to inquire about cancellations. This is how I scored another agent meeting for that afternoon. I just love it when things go according to plan!

It was during the morning session that I began to suspect that something was amiss. I jotted these words on my outline, “Do not allow serving God to take precedence over knowing the God whom you serve.” Those words – they bugged me.
Do I do that?
No, of course not. I know Jesus! I’m close to Him. The writing and speaking I am called to do is for Him and because of Him. Jesus and I, we’re like this – I crossed my middle finger on top of my index finger and looked at my hand.
Aren’t we?

Just in case, I figured I better head to the prayer room. After all, I am fully aware of the risk of heading off into ministry on my own strength. Falling on your face tends to be the result of those efforts. I prayed, Lord, I want You more than I want to serve You. I want to know You, be close to You, be able to say that we are tight.

It was a good prayer to pray, to ensure that things were right between me and the Lord. I fully expected to pray that very good prayer and go about my plans for the day. That is the moment God decided to completely mess up my plans.

Immediately, I was aware of a hollowness in my heart and an insincerity in my prayer. If my prayer were true, why had I neglected my quiet time with the Lord for the past two weeks as I prepared my book proposal? I knew I was a fraud. The good thing was to say that I wanted Jesus more than anything. The right thing was to show it.

The empty void in my heart bubbled up into my throat. Tears overtook my eyes. My chest shook as sobs wracked violently from my body. I fell to my knees, planted my face on the seat of a chair, and let God mess with me.

I am not sure how long I knelt in worship and repentance. It was long enough for my feet to tingle with numbness and copious snot to run down my face. It was long enough for God to turn my heart into one that truly did desire Him more than anything I could do to serve Him.

A whisper danced across my soul, and my Jesus asked me the question that cinched the deal and messed with my plans – not just for the day, but for everything. Tyler, do you really want Me more than anything? Do you want Me more than you want to sit down with that agent this afternoon? Do you want Me more than you want a publishing deal, a speaking ministry, and fancy networking relationships?

I stood, wiped the tears and snot from my face, waited for the feeling to return to my legs, and strode purposefully from that prayer room to the table perched outside the agent’s door. I confirmed that my name was indeed written down at the two o’clock time slot. It was. And I heard the devil ask me, “Surely He did not say that you could not have this meeting. You know He wants you to do all that you can to get His message out there.” I smiled at the girl behind the table, thanked her, and walked away – convinced that God just wanted my willingness and that I didn’t really have to give up that appointment.

Three clickity-clacking steps later my feet stopped moving. Something burned inside me. I was so uncomfortable! Love for Jesus and desire for significance warred within me. The bubble crawled up my throat once again. I turned back, ashamed, and asked the sweet lady to cross my name off the list as tears streamed down my cheeks. She asked, ”Are you sure?” “Yes,” I choked out, “God told me to cancel it.” She smiled and nodded. I could see in her eyes that she understood; God must have messed up her plans a time or two as well.

I have no doubt that if God intends for my book to be published He is able to make that happen, regardless of how many editors and agents I meet with. Ditto that for speaking engagements, networking opportunities, and ministry growth. So I'm going to let Him take care of that stuff - that's His job. My job is just to love my Jesus more than anything else.

Thank-you, Lord, for loving me enough to mess up my plans.

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To see the verse the Lord gave me for my M & M these next two weeks, go here.