Small Changes can make Big Differences

Ever get just plain overwhelmed with all that life throws your way?

For me, a lot of times, I'm sure this is self-inflicted. I over-commit. I procrastinate. I make poor choices (eating bad foods, staying up too late, etc.) that affect my ability to function effectively.

On those days when I feel the weight of my responsibilities crushing me, I temporarily turn into a crazy lady. Look out everybody, Mama's on a rampage!

The good side of the self-inflicted overwhelmedness (yeah, I made that up) is that there is an end in sight. I know when my duties are done, I can rest. Or I can delegate some duties. I can even quit one area of responsibility. Plus, I have a great support system.

But what about when you don't have support? What if you're in it alone, indefinitely? That's not self-inflicted, and it doesn't have an end in sight. You might be afraid that you are going to permanently be that crazy lady...

Might I suggest a few small changes that will help you tame the crazy lady within?

(Just a little fyi, here, while I can't profess to have ever been in the position of "in it alone, indefinitely," I have spend enough years "in it alone, randomly and without time frames" to make me believe I could be that permanent crazy lady. So that's the place where my advice is coming from. Mkay?)

Small Change #1 - Don't be a Petri.

Have you ever watched The Land Before Time? There's this one dinosaur, Petri, who is always whining and complaining. He's got Poor Petri Syndrome. PPS is the number one contributing factor CLS (Crazy Lady Syndrome).

This small change is probably the most difficult. It's so easy to get into the "poor me" way of thinking. I know, because I do it all. the. time. Try replacing martyr thoughts with other thoughts...

I'm so alone.
I may feel alone right now, but that is a prompt for me to stop and ask God for His help.

This is so hard!
Nothing I do of importance will be easy. This is important, so I need to work hard.

How much can one person do?
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

This isn't fair!
I don't get it, but God has a plan here. His plan involves my growth. This is an opportunity for me to grow.

I will never be able to change.
I am not responsible for changing. I am responsible for obeying God. Through my obedience, change will come.

Small Change #2 - Commit to getting enough sleep.

I don't know about you, but when I feel lonely and isolated I tend to stay up too late. I spend my time seeking connection online (No, not chat rooms, but on Facebook and reading blogs.). I watch TV until I'm numb and falling asleep on the couch. I lose myself in a book until it tumbles from my sleep-weighted hands.

This change is going to be the easiest to make, with the biggest impact. Plan a set bedtime and a set wake-up time for yourself and just follow through on the plan. Give it two weeks for your body to fall into the rhythm. And take note of how, suddenly, you feel a little bit less crazy during the daily witching hour (this is how I refer to those dreaded few hours between after school and bedtime, when children tend to act possessed).

Small Change #3 - Speak good.

As a former (sometimes current) crazy lady, I will confess to spending much too much energy speaking bad. Words of reprimand and criticism come easily. My tone of voice reeks of anger, frustration, irritation, and impatience. My thoughts are dominated by those same emotions. Anyone else?

Make an intentional effort to speak good over your family. It can be as simple as, "Hey, I love you kid." or "Thanks for taking out the garbage. Your help around here makes a difference."

Start small by speaking good to each person in your home - intentionally - once or twice per day. (I'm not saying limit it to that. What I'm saying is that you are doing it with the mindset that I need to speak good here and now.) I try to do this, on purpose, in the morning and during the dreaded witching hour.

It's funny how just acting the right way can begin to change the attitude.

Small Change #4 - Don't Negotiate with Terrorists.

Kids have this insane radar system that tells them when Mom is tired and stressed. They hone in on it, taking aim, then BOOM! And a pattern develops.

Kid asks. Mom says no. Kid negotiates. Mom says no, a hint of irritation in her voice. Kid whines. Mom says no, a scowl on her face. Kid argues. Mom yells no at the top of her lungs, followed by a shrieking lecture and over-the-top discipline.

Mom feels guilty. Next time kid asks, Mom starts out with no. After more asking, Mom gets worn down and doesn't have the energy to argue or discipline, so she caves.

Repeat.

Repeat this mantra to yourself and your kids, "My no means no." After you say it to your kids, turn and walk away. the conversation/discussion/debate is done. Unfortunately, when you first implement your new policy of not negotiating with terrorists, they will follow you around and hound you. You must be prepared for this inevitability. Say once, "This conversation is over," then do not respond any more. At all. Not once.

So I suggest embarking on this policy at a time when you feel well rested, strong, and momentarily in control of your CLS. And then commit to staying strong for the couple weeks it will take for the crew to accept the new policy. I promise you, your life will be forever impacted after you successfully make this small change!

If you feel overwhelmed, if you are in it alone, and if you feel like a permanent crazy lady, choose one small step today. Just one. Stick with it until it's mastered, until it's part of your daily routine. Then choose another small step. Over time, CLS will become less pervasive in your home. You will notice that the crazy lady is taming. Chances are, as she mellows, the crazy urchins will follow suit.

Small changes. Big differences. I promise.

Mommy Anger

Some great mommy anger posts I've run into lately...

Angry Moms Anonymous

Homeschool Mom's Dirty Little Secret #3 - Anger

And you're always welcome to check out my posts on Mommy, Why Are You Angry?

I'm Just a Yeller

My kids are home from school while their teachers send a couple days on professional development. I come into these extra long weekends and holiday weeks with a mix of anticipation and trepidation. The thought of tossing routine to the wind brings a smile to my face. I mean, I love routine, but every now and then  it's nice to just "hang" without a list of tasks to attend to before bedtime. The potential result of breaking routine with five kids, though, is a day (or four) filled with bickering and boredom.

On this four-day weekend, I have a plan to keep the latter at bay. The plan requires a mom who actually participates in activities with the kids, who enacts swift discipline when things even look like they'll head sideways, and who is not hiding out in the office "working" all day. ("Working" is a general term I use for pretty much any time I'm on the computer, lol.)

That said, I do hope you enjoy this re-post from the archives...
----------------------------

Here's a question I've heard more than once: When and how did you discover that you were angry, and not just doing what Moms have to do - yell at our kids to get them to do anything?

Can I be to-the-gut point-blank honest here? For me as much as for you? Thanks...

The fact of the matter is, we moms do NOT have to yell at our kids to get them to listen to us. While certain circumstances will require a raised voice (safety concerns, a massive brawl of 14 children that needs to be stopped, a generally loud situation), if it seems as though every circumstance is one of those, we need to take that as our first clue that something is amiss. A raised voice should be the exception, not the rule. If we are yelling regularly, we have a problem.

If you were a fly on my wall, you would likely listen in on the odd conversation between Pat and I where one of us is asking, "Why do we have to yell at the kids to get them to listen and obey?" It's one that we revisit more regularly than I'd like. Really, though, we both know the answer... If we need to yell at our kids to make them listen and obey, it is because we have taught them that they don't have to listen or obey until/unless we are yelling.

I assure you, I am the last person who will ever pass judgement on another mother! I know how hopeless it feels, how impossible it looks. I am the queen of yelling and swearing, and I often catch myself thinking, "I am never going to be able to NOT yell!" So as you read my gut-honest words, do not feel condemned. Everyone has their issues...anger happens to be ours.

If you think you may have anger issues but are not totally sure, here are seven questions you can ask yourself:

1. Have I ever told myself or someone else, "I'm a yeller. That's just who I am."?

2. Have I ever had the urge to hurl an object across the room in frustration?

3. Whether or not I speak them, do I think curse words in my head when I'm frustrated?

4. If my child(ren) does thinks like slamming doors and shouting, "I hate you!" am I tempted to respond with those same words and reactions?

5. Do I frequently find myself feeling annoyed with my children's constant interruptions and requests?

6. Do I sometimes react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation? (For example, feeling truly angry about a spilled cup of juice.)

7. Am I a different mother behind closed doors than I am out in public?

There's no magic formula, no points system, but if you found yourself answering "yes" to a few of those questions, it's probably time to get alone with God and ask Him if you have a problem with mommy anger.

And you know that hopeless, impossible thing? For the record, that's a lie. It's a big, fat, ugly lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we don't even try to overcome this struggle. Victory is possible. I believe it with everything in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be out here on the World Wide Web (and hopefully, eventually in book format) publishing all my shortcomings for the world to see. The only way it's hopeless and impossible is if we try to do it on our own.

For nothing is impossible with God.
~ Luke 1:37 (NLT)

Related posts:

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks

How to Help an Angry Mom

What to do When You Mess up

Why I'm Writing About my Anger

And if you happen to be a publisher, editor, agent, or friend of someone who is (*wink), check out the book proposal...

I'm Just a Yeller...

An anonymous friend posed a really great question last week that I've decided to tackle this morning. I don't really want to talk about anger today because, well, I've been feeling pretty pi#%ed off with my kids all week. Which means, as much as I don't feel like talking about it, I probably should.

Our friend asked, When and how did you discover that you were angry, and not just doing what Moms have to do - yell at our kids to get them to do anything?

Can I be to-the-gut point-blank honest here? For me as much as for you? Thanks...

The fact of the matter is, we moms do NOT have to yell at our kids to get them to listen to us. While certain circumstances will require a raised voice (safety concerns, a massive brawl of 14 children that needs to be stopped, a generally loud situation), if it seems as though every circumstance is one of those, we need to take that as our first clue that something is amiss. A raised voice should be the exception, not the rule.  If we are yelling regularly, we have a problem.

If you were a fly on my wall, you would likely listen in on the odd conversation between Pat and I where one of us is asking, "Why do we have to yell at the kids to get them to listen and obey?" It's one that we revisit more regularly than I'd like. Really, though, we both know the answer... If we need to yell at our kids to make them listen and obey, it is because we have taught them that they don't have to listen or obey until/unless we are yelling.

I assure you, I am the last person who will ever pass judgement on another mother! I know how hopeless it feels, how impossible it looks. I am the queen of yelling and swearing, and I often catch myself thinking, "I am never going to be able to NOT yell!" So as you read my gut-honest words, do not feel condemned. Everyone has their issues...anger happens to be ours.

If you think you may have anger issues but are not totally sure, here are seven questions you can ask yourself:
1. Have I ever told myself or someone else, "I'm a yeller. That's just who I am."?
2. Have I ever had the urge to hurl an object across the room in frustration?
3. Whether or not I speak them, do I think curse words in my head when I'm frustrated?
4. If my child(ren) does thinks like slamming doors and shouting, "I hate you!" am I tempted to respond with those same words and reactions?
5. Do I frequently find myself feeling annoyed with my children's constant interruptions and requests?
6. Do I sometimes react in ways that are disproportionate to the situation? (For example, feeling truly angry about a spilled cup of juice.)
7. Am I a different mother behind closed doors than I am out in public?

There's no magic formula, no points system, but if you found yourself answering "yes" to a few of those questions, it's probably time to get alone with God and ask Him if you have a problem with mommy anger.

And you know that hopeless, impossible thing? For the record, that's a lie. It's a big, fat, ugly lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we don't even try to overcome this struggle. Victory is possible. I believe it with everything in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be out here on the World Wide Web (and hopefully, eventually in book format) publishing all my shortcomings for the world to see. The only way it's hopeless and impossible is if we try to do it on our own.

For nothing is impossible with God.
~Luke 1:37 (NLT)

Because I hate to leave you hanging here with a bunch of unanswered questions, here are some posts that I hope will help...

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks - help for the heat of the moment

How to Help an Angry Mom, parts three and four - help for the parent who doesn't know what to do instead of yelling

What to do When You Mess Up - help for those times when we "fall off the wagon"

Why I'm Writing About my Anger - to answer your other question, Why do you want to write a book? (specifically this book)

A Morning of Character-Building

I sometimes wonder why God saw fit to bless me with five children. Children who I feel utterly unequipped to raise, teach, train, and even love.

It's silly, but at moments like this, I wonder what Beth Moore would have done. Were her girls kind and gentle, always obedient and loving to one another? Maybe. I'm sure there are a few kids out there like that. But if they weren't, if they had sibling rivalry moments - where one child destroys another's artwork, and child two retaliates by kicking in the gut, and when reprimanded the first child is unrepentant and disrespectful to the mother (hypothetically, of course) - how did Beth deal with it?

My discipline strategy this morning was to send child one to the bedroom for half an hour of reflection, to be followed by a letter of apology. Once disrespected, the consequence was doubled to an hour in the room. Child two was sent for a time out and will also be writing a letter of apology.*

Here's the thing... I didn't lose it. No foul words escaped my lips, nothing I will later regret was spoken. While my voice was raised to be heard over the yelling of the disrespectful child, I would not consider what I did to be yelling. Essentially, dealing with this blowout was a victory for me. Yet, I feel far from victorious. Rather, I feel weary. Confused. At a loss.

There are mothers out there who are so good at this. They see it as a challenge and an adventure. Wouldn't one of those mothers be better? Better at this job? Better for these kids?

I know that these feelings and questions are unwarranted. I'm pretty sure that, no matter how Godly she is, Beth Moore probably felt some of these same things. In fact, if I weren't so darn sure that about 99% of mothers struggle to some degree, I wouldn't even dare to write about my own struggles. When I wonder if God made a mistake by entrusting me with the physical, spiritual, and emotional upbringing of five people, I know that I am believing lies whispered by the enemy.

As I push back against the liar, I make room for truth.

I cannot do this job in my own strength. That's why I so desperately need Jesus. With Him, in His strength, I can be a good mother for these children.

God doesn't make mistakes. Each one of those children was soul-matched with me, by the Creator of the Universe, for His good purposes.

Walking where God has called us isn't usually easy to do. Typically, it involves hard work and a high level of dependence on Him to help us.

Sometimes, parenting is less about raising our kids than it is about building our character.

I'm not sure why I wrote this today. I often need to write out life's experiences in order to process them and let them settle in my soul. But I'm also pretty sure I wrote it for you - one of you, two of you, more? Please don't worry about filling the comments with words of encouragement for me (I'm okay :)). But if you needed to hear about my morning, and if the truths God reminded me of are truths you needed to hear, please let me know (either in the comments or by email). Because I want to spend my day praying for you. And hey, feel free to do the same for me! A week off school is enough to undo even the most energetic of mothers.

* In the process of writing this post (which, incidentally, took nearly two hours!) I also asked each child to find a Bible verse that applied to the situation. That verse was not only to be written in the card, but also on an index card for memory work. Child 1 needed a bit of guidance (I pointed to a page and said, "Try reading in here.").

Child #1's verse: Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.  ~1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Child #2's verse: Jonathan and David became close friends. Jonathan loved David just as he love himself. ~1 Samuel 18:1

P.S. Now that it's all said and done, I am actually feeling a little victorious.

How we made it through alive

Since my session on Mommy, why are you Angry? on Saturday, I have had countless opportunities to practice what I preached. As you probably noticed based on yesterday's post.

I believe that, as soon as we step out and try to teach spiritual truths to others, the enemy has a game plan. He thinks, "Sure, she says that she is free in Christ... But does she live like it? Let's test her out. Mwahahahaha." Okay, I'm not sure if he does that evil laugh, but I wouldn't put it past him.

In these situations, I tend to see God as the third base coach. He's standing right there, telling us what we need to do, encouraging and coaching, hoping and praying, cheering us on. I'm pretty sure His reply to the devil's questions goes something like this, "You better believe she's free! Go ahead, just try and tempt her. You'll see. She may stumble, but she will not fall!"

I stumbled a bit first thing in the morning. The boots issue - that brought out my "outside voice." The shelf, well that one had me hollering at everyone for a minute or two. Honestly, those are the kind of situations that would typically get my anger flaring. I hate, hate, hate running late and everything about yesterday morning screamed of "We're all gonna be late!!!" I was tempted to skip out on my women's group altogether, rather than show up late. But something inside me told me that keeping me starved for fellowship was another trick of the enemy, and I knew I needed me some girl time!

When I closed myself in the bathroom to tackle my hair and make-up in twenty minutes flat, and I began my frantic work, I felt a pause. I knew that I needed God to work quick in my heart if I wanted to turn the day around. I began praying, but my prayers felt like whining and complaining and I couldn't bear to listen to myself. Instead, as I pulled my hair into a ponytail and covered up pimples, I began reciting Scripture. (Last year I memorized 24 verses, this year about 6, and I gave those 30 verses my best shot. I could only recall about half of them, and I was definitely not at 100% accuracy. But I spoke those slightly out-of-order Bible verses with my whole heart.)

No more than fifteen minutes later, my hair and make-up were done, my teeth were clean, I had a fresh layer of deodorant on, and I was dressed. The best part, though, is that I felt victorious. I didn't feel stressed, frazzled, late, or angry anymore. In fact, the peace of God was so strong over me that when Kai refused to go into childcare and insisted sitting with me ALL morning, it didn't even annoy me! (Seriously, if you know me, you know that this is a miracle! I am never one to turn down an hour of childcare!)

So if you were with me on Saturday, and you were wondering whether the stuff I was talking about really works, it does. Does speaking Scripture really hold the power to halt our anger? Absolutely! Remember "Thing 2?" Words are powerful. Especially the Word of God. It's sharper than any double-edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)

Yesterday is living proof.

Boo-rah!

(Yeah, okay, I'm sorry about that. I now realize that I cannot pull off some military guy victory chant. I won't try that again. Promise. ;))

Thing Six: What to do when you mess up

This morning I am packing up to take my kiddos and dog home from a weekend of worship and fellowship. For many years I volunteered at the Freshwind conference, hauling chairs around and cleaning bathrooms (okay, honestly, I usually tried to delegate the bathrooms), but this year was special. At this year's conference, I had the huge privilege of being one of the workshop speakers. Can I just say - my body and mind are just as exhausted as they have been every other year! (Honestly, though, I do know those volunteers had to deal with a lot more crap than I did! If you were there, you know what I mean ;))

Not only did I enjoy the hours of catching up with some old friends (you know who you are), but I had the opportunity to meet some new ones. I just want to send a quick shout out to them: Rhiannon, Kathy from New Sarepta, Heidi, Monika, Pam, Charlotte and friends from Calgary, and Pam and Wendy from "the Park," and about 90 others whose names I didn't learn. Hi girls! Thanks for spending your time with me Saturday afternoon. :)

If this is your first visit to my blog, here are a few things that will help you get involved. Got something to say? Excellent! I love comments! Just click on the phrase "__ shared their thoughts" at the bottom of this post and follow the prompts. Don't know how to sign in? If you have a google account, sign in to it to leave your comment. If not, you can choose "Open ID" and just type your name in the box; you can click "Name/URL" and if you type in your own blog or website address I can come visit you; or you can choose "Anonymous" and either type your name at the end of your comment or remain anonymous. Want to come back and read all the time? It would make my day if you clicked to "follow it" and "find me on facebook" or decided to "receive posts by email!" (All of these options can be found in the sidebars to the right of this post.)

Okay, let's get on with the good stuff! :)

In my session, Mommy, why are you Angry? I shared five things God has taught me in our journey to break free from my "addiction" to venting my anger and frustration on my kids. (I sure hope that, if you were in my session on Saturday, you've had a chance to review the handout and are thinking about your first steps. Are you going to start exploring your childrens' love languages? Do a spiritual gifts inventory for yourself? Have you started writing out those verses and sticking them all over your world?) But there is an important sixth point that I still need to talk about - what should I do when I mess up?

Heaven knows that I have messed up more times than I can count on this journey! I don't know about you, but I tend to be an "all or nothing" girl. When I am trying to lose weight (when am not?!), for example, I jump in with both feet - I count points, I exercise, and I am diligent. But then someone has a birthday and messes with my system. You see, I am powerless to resist a good, fat slice of cake. And once I let that one piece pass my lips, I begin to feel defeated. I lost the battle, so I may as well quit trying. And I fall face-first, mouth wide open off the wagon. This all or nothing mindset carries to most areas of my life, including yelling. I resolve to never yell again, and when I slip up and let a frustrated holler go I feel weak and discouraged, so I just give up. Then I'm just "a yeller" as opposed to being a mom who is trying to change but is a failure.

Is anyone relating to this?!

Here are three quick tips on dealing with the inevitable mess ups:

1. Celebrate every little success.

We can't experience success if we look at life through the all or nothing lens. If our goal is perfection, we will constantly fall short. So stop resolving to be perfect! Start resolving to do better next time. Take it one frustrating experience at a time. And if next time you want to lose your cool but instead give yourself a time out - you have succeeded! Write it down! Celebrate! Pat yourself on the back! And don't forget to praise the Lord!

2. Always ask forgiveness.

There will be next times when the yelling still sneaks out. The one thing we can never afford to do is ignore those mistakes. When we ignore sin and pretend it isn't there, it grows. We need to allow God to bring our sin into His light, so He can remove it. When we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive us - every single time (yes, even if it's the 10,000th time). Remember, too, that God isn't the only One we need to seek forgiveness from - so many angry words can be instantly healed by the simple act of telling our children that we're sorry.

(See 1 John 1:9. Use a concordance to look up some verses containing the words "repent," "forgive," and "confess.")

3. Pray about your anger every day.

Event today, when I am (finally) less "angry mommy" and more "mommy who sometimes messes up and gets angry," I still ask God to help me with my anger every single day. I plan to continue to do so until the day I die. You see, when something begins to gain victory over us, we will (in most cases) always be particularly susceptible to that struggle. For example, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago. Obviously, I am no longer addicted. Yet put me in a certain situation, especially with other smokers, and my foolish mind begins to entertain thoughts of having "just one drag." The enemy knows our areas of weakness, and he is relentless in his pursuit of our failure! The best guard we have against his tricks and temptations is daily prayer for protection and strength.

Basically, it all comes down to changing our thinking. (Sound familiar?) To continue the whole diet analogy, we have to stop thinking like we're on a diet, and begin living like we're making a lifestyle change. It's not all or nothing, but one step at a time toward the goal. And while our daily weigh-ins may not all show the results we're looking for, if we begin to track progress over time (remember #1 - write down those successes) we will see positive change!

One last thing I want to say to you. When you mess up, you are not a bad mom. Wait, I'm not sure you're really hearing that. You are not a bad mom! When you mess up, you are a good mom who messed up. So say, "Oops," and keep moving forward. Because you are a good mom! You are exactly the mom God chose for your children. Say it with me, I am a good mom!

There are lots of other resources on my blog relating to anger, to figuring out your calling, and for spiritual growth and encouragement. (There are also lots of mindless tidbits about me and my life.) Please stay a while and surf around. I just love visitors! :) Here are the links to a couple number of posts I think you'll enjoy:

Friday Feast (our four-week challenge to read God's Word daily)
Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (a few tips in anger management)
How to Help an Angry Mom (a series, parts 3 & 4 are all about child training)
When God Messes up Your Plans (how God has been working in my life)
Are You Burying Your Talents? (wondering what your calling is? this might help)

How to Help an Angry Mom, part 4 - Guest Post con't

Here are the earlier posts in this series:
Why are some moms so angry?
What's the husband/fathers role in helping an angry mom?
How can we get discipline back under control?

And for today, What is child training and how do we do it? courtesy of Jenny.

I would like to add a couple of notes to my previous post…

1. When children learn to obey the majority of the time, they earn the right to respectfully appeal with something like, “Yes, Mom, may I finish this first?” or whatever is appropriate for the situation. However, appeals can’t follow every directive.

2. Never spank in anger. When you send the child to wait for you, that is your time to gather your thoughts, pray for wisdom and ask God to help you handle the situation calmly and lovingly. If you get frustrated because your child won’t admit what they did, take a break. It will give him/her time to think and you time to refocus. Gal. 6:1 reminds us if anyone is caught in a sin (i.e. disobeying parents), we are to restore them in a spirit of gentleness.

3. I mentioned checking your motive. Let me expound. If your motive is to pay your child back, to get out your frustration, to gain obedience because it is more convenient for you or because of any selfish reason, your motive is wrong. Teaching children the self-control to say no to themselves and yes to you will one day translate into them saying no to themselves and yes to God. Don’t we all wish we had more self-control not to say whatever we’re thinking, not to eat foods we know we shouldn’t, not to spend money we know isn’t within the budget? Self-control is a gift. And we can give this gift to our children through loving, consistent discipline which is aimed toward the child’s benefit, not ours.

4. I know that there are some who would read “spank in love” and scoff. That is just not something that is conceivable to them. I can understand that. Sin has tainted what biblical discipline should look like. People have been hurt and therefore have abandoned the truth of God’s word. Proverbs says, “Every word of God proves true.” Colossians 2:8 warns us not to be taken captive by the world’s hollow and deceptive philosophies because God has made foolish the wisdom of this world (I Cor. 1:20).

So on to Training and Encouragement…

Consistency in discipline is vitally important but

No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!

What does that mean? It means that you can give consequence after consequence but you will see a significant difference if you take the time to teach your child not only what to “put off” as Eph. 4 tells us but what to put on. Don’t athletes practice, practice, and practice some more before actually going out to compete? So why not give our children time to practice obeying during a fun, non-confrontational training time?

During training time, you can teach your kids what you mean by first-time obedience. Tell them what you’ve seen them doing: talking back, grumbling, ignoring, etc. You can even act out what you’ve seen them doing. This usually makes a huge impact and the kids think it’s hilarious seeing Mom and Dad acting like them. Next, explain using Scripture such as Ephesians 6:1-2 and Phil 2:14 why what they’ve been doing is wrong. Carefully explain and/or act out what you would like to see. Then let them know what the consequence will be if they don’t obey cheerfully, right away, all the way and no matter what.

Now it’s practice time! Give them a task to perform.

Example) “Becky, please take these two toys and put them where they belong.” Becky says cheerfully, “Yes, Mom.” When she finishes, she comes back and reports, “Mom, I put the toys away. Is there anything else I can do to help?” You encourage her with, “Thank you, Becky, for obeying cheerfully and right away!”

You can also use this time to practice all kinds of things like how to resolve an argument with a sibling, the best way to ask for a toy, how to sit quietly in church, what to do when a friend says something unkind, how to look an adult in the eye and carry on a conversation. Whatever you want to work on, use this time to practice it. The more you want to work on, the more often you schedule training time. If you have littler ones, you may want to set aside two nights a week. For older kids, once a week or every other week might do.
I will say try to make it a set night if possible. It will help you to remember and actually do it if you know it’s “Tuesday Training Time.”

I love how Mrs. Duggar puts it, “Practice makes progress!” That’s what we’re looking for, progress…not perfection.

Lastly, don’t forget to praise, encourage and thank your children when you see respectful, loving behavior. When someone praises you for something, doesn’t it make you want to do it again? And if we’re only correcting what we don’t like, they will become discouraged. They need to be assured that they are on the right track. “Thank you, Lucy, for showing love to your sister by sharing that toy!” “Wow, Cameron, what a kind boy you are!” “Good job, Molly, obeying so quickly! Thank you.”

While teaching first-time obedience calmly, consistently and in love will bring peace and order to your home, it is equally important to remember when Jesus said there was no greater commandment than to "'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength [and to] love your neighbor as yourself.'"

If our children are outwardly obedient but inwardly defiant, or outwardly respectful to you and others but don't love others, it is worthless. We lead first by example, then through teaching what the Word says and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives. Parenting is not a part-time job. It takes a lot of time, patience, love, and proactive, intentional teaching and training. What an awesome responsibility is ours. I want to be found faithful.

It’s been almost seven years since my husband and I were first introduced to the godly parenting information that changed our lives and the vision we have for our family. I don’t know where we’d be without it. I am so very grateful that God led a woman at our church (who is now my mentor) to facilitate a parenting class which was a series of videos by Reb Bradley of Family Ministries called Biblical Insights into Child Training. Since then I have worked with Mr. Bradley and even had the opportunity to have him stay with us recently. I love this man’s heart and am so grateful he has used his God-given gifts of wisdom and teaching to share with parents a biblical, practical, and counter-cultural way to raise up warriors for Christ. Thanks to him, I understand what the Bible means when it says that children are a blessing and reward.

By the way, Mr. Bradley has a new series called Parenting Teens with the Wisdom of Solomon. It's invaluable!

Thank-you, Jenny! I can personally attest to the effectiveness of diligent child training and discipline. (Because of Jenny taking the time to personally address some struggles our family was having, we tried out her (Reb's) methods. For some silly reason, we have strayed from that lately, which probably explains yesterday's post... Back on track!)

I would love to hear if you are going to start something new in your family because of any of the posts in this series! What are you going to try doing differently?

Enough Yelling Already

There has been WAY too much yelling going on in our house this past month. I don’t know about you, but when life gets kinda crazy, so do I... (keep reading)

I'm guest posting at Kingdom Twindom +1 today, so go on over and read the rest of the post there... And while you're there, hang out and read a little more. Sarah (aka Kingdom Mama) has five little monkeys (just like me, only a LOT younger) - two sets of twins + 1. She and her man (Papa Bear) have been to hell and back, and if you take the time to read a bit about how God completely redeemed their marriage, I KNOW you will be blessed!

How to Help an Angry Mom, part three *Guest Post*

Introduction
Part One
Part Two

I was blessed a couple years back to find a friend online who has a gift for parenting. (Seriously, she's not just good; she's gifted!) And it's a gift that she willingly shares with anyone who asks! Jenny currently has five gorgeous children whom she home schools. She and her husband, Roddy, have invested their lives in training their children. This spring, their family of seven will grow to a family of eleven - yes, eleven!!! Jenny is expecting blessings #6, 7, and 8 (not in her womb, but in her heart - their three daughter will be coming home from Ethiopia in the winter/ spring). Blessing #9 is also on the way, and is expected to make an appearance in April - this one is coming the traditional way, bringing Jenny the need for extra rest and eventually providing her with an attractive waddle.

For moms who struggle with anger, one of the feelings that overwhelms us is the sense of us and our children being "out of control." Getting it back under control takes some hard work, but it is work worth doing! If you are an angry mom, ask God to give you the energy and focus to try something new (trust me, these methods actually take less energy than yelling). If you are married to an angry mom, ask the Lord for the wisdom to begin this new thing in a way that will encourage and inspire your wife to follow suit.

I have been the recipient of Jenny's personalized advice for my family situation numerous times. If you do what she says, things will begin to change - I promise!

I was sitting on a transportation system at an amusement park not too long ago when the mom next to us angrily say to her son, “You have not obeyed me all day! I’ve had it! In fact, you haven’t listened to me in six years!” And she went on to inform him that he was going to start obeying right then.

What this mom didn’t know is that she was the one who taught her son not to obey. We’ve all done it. But we don’t even know it.

There are so many things that contribute to Mother Anger…fatigue, busyness, disorganization, hormones, isolation, pride, wrong expectations…the list is lengthy. But when it comes to the area of discipline, I think the biggest frustration is uncertainty. “What is the right thing to do?”

And if you are a follower of Jesus, you know you can’t just accept any old parenting philosophy. We know that our children have been entrusted to us by God.

I don’t know about you, but I want to please my Maker. I want to parent biblically. And I know that my God is not a God of confusion but of peace (I Cor 14:33). But you see, the world has bombarded us with messages that tell us the Word is not sufficient to answer all our questions. We need the “experts” to tell us what is best for our children. And those experts have left us in confusion and turmoil. We are frustrated and our children are frustrating

Personally, I think the One who made us and our children is the One we need to tell us how to parent. That said, what does God say and how do we apply it practically, daily?

And how did the frustrated mom at the amusement park accidentally teach her son to disobey? More than likely through inconsistency, lack of training (on her son’s part) and criticism.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother...
~Ephesians 6:1-2

Did you notice this verse does not exclude two year olds or strong-willed children?

You know it’s frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over again. Do we really have to count (1…2…3), threaten, bribe or yell to have our children obey us? Can we speak calmly and sweetly and expect our children to obey the first time? The answer is yes.

In our home obedience must be done Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way and No Matter What. Anything else is considered disobedience. When our children obey in this way, they are honoring us and will be blessed by God. I want this for my children.

The consequence for disobedience for children under 10, is a calm, private spanking (Prov 29:15).

Example) When you ask your child to do something and they don’t do it with a good attitude, right away, thoroughly and without excuse or comment, all you do is say (calmly), “Bobby, meet me in your room, please.” Don’t have a conversation at this point.

When you get to the room, you might say, “Did I ask you to put away your toys?” Bobby answers, “Yes.” Mom says, “Did you obey cheerfully (or whichever applies)?” Bobby says, “No.” Mom asks, “So what has to happen?” Bobby says, “I need a spanking.”

Spanking is about restoration, not alienation or abuse. Hug your child. Pray with him or her. Then teach them how to apologize specifically…”I’m sorry, Mom, for not obeying cheerfully.” Forgive him and make sure you both have a good attitude before leaving the room. Then, go back to your originally places and ask Bobby to clean up his toys again.

For children older than 10, there needs to be a consequence that relates to the disobedience. If you have told your child a time warning, “Five more minutes of computer time,” but when it comes time to get off, she argues, stalls, or huffs and puffs, the consequence could be missing her next computer time.

Important: No consequence should be extreme or about pay back. Three weeks off the computer would be extreme. Always watch your motive.

Consistency is key! If we ignore disobedience some of the time and discipline for it other times, our children will be confused and will always hope for the time you won’t bring a consequence. Discipline becomes more about the mood mom is in than about the fact that God has called children to obey and honor and has called parents to train them up (Eph 6:4).

And how much better to take care of an issue the first time, before we’re frustrated from repeating, threatening, etc. Having the mindset that nothing else is more important than training your children and dropping whatever we’re doing to take care of them will have eternal rewards.

So, discipline is obviously important but...

No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!

...more about child training from Jenny coming soon...

In my post Sort of ObedienceI mentioned that my children seldom obey me the first time I ask them to do something. I do believe we will be printing off a poster (as a reminder for the kids and ourselves) that quotes, "Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way, and No Matter What!" Thanks Jenny - as always, you have inspired me to change my inconsistent ways. I can't wait to learn about training our children!

How to Help an Angry Mom, part two

If you haven't had a chance to read Monday's post, you'll want to do that first. Otherwise, this will make no sense!

Hi Hank,

I am so glad to know that you love your family like you do! Thank-you for being willing to accept help. The next words of advice I have are primarily for you. If something resonates and sounds like it will work, go for it! If something doesn't sit right, pray about it first. If it still isn't feeling like something that applies to you after some prayer, disregard it. :)

It's important to be aware of your God-ordained role. You are the dad, the husband, the leader. This means that, ultimately, God holds you responsible for the fruit of your family. You cannot change Donna or Buddy, but you can ensure that you are doing everything you can to influence your family for the better. Then, even if things do not improve, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you have carried out your duties well. So here are a few tips on how you can do your best, with or without Donna's cooperation...

1. Don't over-compensate. While your natural inclination is to protect Buddy, and you'd rather spare him more upset than you know he's already dealing with between him and mom, you must resist this inclination! Instead of "making up" for Donna's anger, you overlooking discipline issues simply confuses Buddy. He will begin to recognize that mom and dad expect different things and I guarantee you - he will manipulate you both with that knowledge!

2. Get on the same team. Right now you are on team Don't yell at the children and Donna is on team Why doesn't anybody listen to me? The team you need to be on is We are the parents and we are in control. We will work together and stand behind each other in all things at all times. Even when we think the other parent is over-reacting, we will stand together because we are on the same team.

The thing is, Donna is feeling disrespected by Buddy's behavioral outbursts. But because she's also tired and overwhelmed, and not feeling supported by her man, she has given up on trying to discipline. Instead, she resorts to yelling. At least that occasionally gets some results. What she needs is some good modelling in child training that occurs in a methodical and calm way.

This is where you come in. You can step in to exact discipline. Don't mistake this for taking over or getting between them; this is done in a way that communicates love and respect for your wife and her position of authority over your children. Every time you discipline Buddy for being disrespectful you are:
- communicating to Donna that you are on her team,
- communicating to your kids that you and mom are on the same team all the time,
- teaching your children right from wrong, and
- modelling for your wife a new way to discipline.
All of this without saying a word of criticism to your wife! (I'll offer a bit of strategy for discipline later on.)

3. Value her. There are three key ways that most women feel loved: words, effort, and time.

Words - Remember that Donna is probably filled with guilt and self-loathing for her struggle with anger. She needs to be told, over and over again, that she is a good mom. Tell her that you are glad she's your wife and the mom of your kids. Tell her you trust her. Tell her that she has been chosen by God for this job.

Effort - I don't know about you, but many hubbies like to "veg out" when they get home from work. If you choose to resist the temptation to zone out in front of the TV, and instead pitch in with whatever Donna is doing (cooking, bathing kids, tidying the house, etc.), you will tell her "I love you and value you" louder than a dozen bouquets of a dozen roses!

Time - Give her time for herself. Send her off to a spa, or for a shopping day, out for a girls' night, or just on a walk. This tells her that you see how hard she works. And a refreshed momma is a happy momma. (As well, a refreshed wife is a happy wife, if you get my drift.) P.S. This is where your sister can also help out. Nothing is more beautiful than a sitter who volunteers!

I realize that I've not really given you what you were looking for. Rather than a bunch of ideas on how to help Donna stop being angry, I've been telling you a lot of things you can do to change you. But here is the amazing thing about our God - He can completely restore a broken relationship with only one willing heart! The world tells us that "it takes two." The world is wrong. I can say this with such confidence because if God couldn't transform a relationship using only one person, I would not stand before you a woman married for 11 years. The more you work on you, the greater Donna's desire will be to work on herself. YOU, Hank, have the power to transform the way your family relates!

Part 3 - discipline - coming soon by a special guest blogger

How to Help an Angry Mom

(As promised last week.)

Not long ago, I received an email asking for some advice...

My brother and sister-in-law are really struggling with my 3-year-old nephew, Buddy. Donna generally deals with her son by screaming and yelling at him. This in turn makes him scream and yell back. It's a vicious cycle really. Her tolerance level for him has reduced so significantly, it seems Buddy can't do anything without being yelled at. Things are getting so bad, my family does not want to go out to dinner or on vacation with them because it always turns into an embarrassing yelling match between Donna and a 3-year-old.

It feels like Donna is always in a bad mood and it is causing stress in their marriage. My brother is begging me to talk to her because Donna and I have been best friends for years, even before she and my brother started dating. He thinks she will take it to heart if she hears it from me. Hank is so good with the kids, almost too good. I think he is more slack because he tries to make up for Donna's behaviour. He has tried talking to her several times but they always end up in a fight. She changes her attitude for a few days, but always returns to the same behavior.

I am concerned because I imagine parents do not like getting advice from someone who does not have kids, lol. I want to talk to her about it because I am very concerned that if things don't change soon, it will ruin their marriage and her relationship with her son. She doesn't seem to get it when her husband talks to her about it. Anyway I guess I am asking for advice. I don't really know where to start or what to say to her that won't cause a fight between us. I am also wondering if you can recommend any books or other materials that could help her.

It may sound like it from what I have written, but Donna is not a monster. I truly believe she loves her son, she just doesn't know how to deal with her own emotions and ends up taking it out on him. Buddy has wicked freakouts, kicking screaming, hitting and biting and she really just doesn't know how to deal beyond screaming and yelling at him. I want to help her, I think she is asking for help, she just doesn't know what to do anymore. I know you are writing a book on the same topic and am hoping you can help me help her :)

*all names changed

Here is part one of my reply...

Dear friend,

There are a number of things I can share with you that may be of help for your family. Let me start by helping you (and Hank) understand what Donna is experiencing and what her emotional needs are. Then, I'll share some specific tips that just apply to the husband/wife relationship and how Hank can really help Donna in practical terms.

1. First and foremost, Donna needs to know that she is not alone. The biggest part of the problem is that we are all so ashamed of our anger that we don't talk about it, therefore we all think we're alone. She needs to know that other moms have kids who are "spirited," that other moms feel like their kids live to push their buttons, that other moms don't know what to do or how to control their kids, and that other moms resort to swearing, screaming and more. Donna will not be free to even acknowledge that there is a problem until she experiences the freedom of knowing that she's not the only one.

2. Angry moms live in terror that they are being judged and that eventually someone is going to try to take their children away. It is imperative that Donna feel reassured that you and Hank really believe she is the best mom for her children and that you don't think she should have her children taken away. You say that she seems unhappy - that is because she hates herself, hates who she's become, and hates that she seems powerless to change. Donna will not be able to receive advice from anyone who she feels is judging her, as her instinct will be self-preservation.

3. What she really needs is prayer, love, and understanding. While it may feel counter-intuitive to "sit back and do nothing," constantly trying to "do something" can actually escalate the problem. Sometimes it's good to step back and do the work through prayer. Praying accomplishes two things: as you and and pray for Donna's temper and Buddy's behavior, God will work in their hearts; and praying will soften your hearts towards Donna and Buddy, giving you greater compassion and understanding.

4. She is not really angry, but feels alone and overwhelmed. When we, as mothers, find ourselves "losing it" on our kids repeatedly we feel out-of-control and as if our kids are out-of-control.

What can often happen in families is that, because dad goes to work and leaves the parenting stuff up to mom, he also leaves the parenting to her once he's home. It's a huge compliment and an act of trust, really, as he feels that she is good at this job and she knows what she's doing. Two unfortunate issues arise when this happnes. First, mom begins to resent dad because she doesn't feel he is helping with discipline (which he is only doing because he thinks she's better at it). As mom's resentment grows, so does her general frustration and anger. Eventually, dad's confidence morphs into disengagement.

His thinking begins to shift from, "She can do it!" to "Why can't she do it?" And his frustration grows with the observation that it would seem she can't do it, and she puts demands on him to help. At this point, some men begin to feel a sense of entitlement and resentment. "I work hard and deserve to rest when I get home. Why should I have to deal with this kid's behavior? It's her problem."

Please don't get me wrong! I am in no way saying that mom's anger is dad's fault. And I certainly cannot say for certain that this is what is happening with Donna and Hank. But while dad cannot do anything to help (or force) mom to change her hollerin' ways, he can take a good look at his own behavior to see if he is, in any way, contributing to the problem. He can't change her, but he can change himself!

The rest of my message will be words just for Hank and how he can help Donna and Buddy.

to be continued...

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (revisited)

This is a special re-post (with a few revisions) for my friends at Heart to Heart, with whom I shared this very story yesterday... (The rest of you are, of course, welcome to read it again!)

Thank-you for stopping by. I pray that my story, at the very least, has shown you that you are not alone! This mothering thing can be so hard, and it's okay to admit that we aren't perfect.

Today, you will find that I've added some tips for moms dealing with anger. If you stop by again tomorrow, I'll have some tips for others (that is, for those whose spouse or friend or relative struggles with anger). I do hope that you'll come back!

If you'd like to share your thoughts, you can leave a comment at the end of this post. (Please do! You have no idea how much I love your comments! They are my encouragement and source of inspiration.) To leave a comment, simply click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. Then follow the instructions in the pop-up window. If you don't have a google account, or would rather not leave your name, just click "anonymous."


The other morning I was supervising Braeden (12) as he went through his morning routine. Because of his cerebral palsy, Braeden's motor control isn't always the greatest, and I suspected that he wasn't doing the best job brushing his teeth. I was watching and coaching, "Okay, now the bottom. Do the back part. No, not there, the inside. Okay, now the outside. No, no, no, here!" He brushed the same areas over and over again, missing the same two spots with every back-and-forth of the brush. It was clear to me that this was not really a motor control issue, but more of a pre-teen laziness thing. My jaw clenched just a little bit as my frustration mounted.

I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.

I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...

And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.

I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."

As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.


How to stop anger in its tracks:

1. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.

2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.

3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*

4. Breathe.

5. Pay attention to the times of day (or month) that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).

6. Always ask for forgiveness.

7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.


Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!


* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.

A quick thank-you...

to Tracy at My Slice of Sanity for featuring my recent post on anger. I am humbled and honored. :)

Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks

The other morning I was supervising Braeden (12) as he went through his morning routine. Because of his cerebral palsy, Braeden's motor control isn't always the greatest, and I suspected that he wasn't doing the best job brushing his teeth. I was watching and coaching, "Okay, now the bottom. Do the back part. No, not there, the inside. Okay, now the outside. No, no, no, here!" He brushed the same areas over and over again, missing the same two spots with every back-and-forth of the brush. It was clear to me that this was not really a motor control issue, but more of a pre-teen laziness thing. My jaw clenched just a little bit as my frustration mounted.

I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.

I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...

And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.

I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."

As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.

Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!

How to stop anger in its tracks:
1.. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.
2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.
3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*
4. Breathe.
5. Pay attention to the times of day that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).
6. Always ask for forgiveness.
7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.

* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.

My Kids Robbed the Bank

I was sharing with some new friends last night about the book and talks I'm working on, Mommy, Why Are You Angry? One of the girls, K, gave me a fantastic suggestion! She encouraged me to remind my readers and listeners to "recognize the paydays."

Being a mom, or anyone who spends a lot of time taking care of children, is what many would call a "thankless job." There is no paycheque to speak of, much of the work done doesn't show tangible results, and days off are few and far between. Raising kids is huge investment of our time, energy, mental capacity, patience, prayers, and finances. But it's more like an investment in today's economy than a few years ago - unbelievably slow-growing, taking years before showing a return.

In order to keep it all in perspective (and help keep our cool), it is so important to watch for, recognize, give yourself credit for, and thank God for those "paydays."

A great report card or meeting with the teacher - cha-ching!
Your pre-teen sits close and lets you snuggle with him for a few minutes - cha-ching!
Your toddler poops in the potty - cha-ching!
Someone shares with a sibling (without a lecture from you) - cha-cha-cha-ching!
Your child asks Jesus to be her "forever friend" - cha-CHING!

We need to take these paydays and store them up in our hearts. Because in the 20-or-so years we spend raising our children to be good and Godly grown-ups, their withdrawals from the bank of mom will far outnumber their deposits. When that one particular child says, "No!" to you for the thousandth time and makes your want to scream and shake your fist - stop for a moment, think back (sometimes waaaay back) to that one time that child said, "Okay Mom," without arguing (cha-ching), then discipline the disobedience with the knowledge that the child truly is capable of willing obedience and all hope is not lost.

This advice was especially helpful for me this week, as long summer holidays with little structure provide enough withdrawals from the bank of mom to put me into overdraft.

What about you? Has it been a long time since you've experienced a payday as a mom (or childcare provider)? What are some great paydays you can remember?

Mommy, Why Are You Angry?

Here is the video of my first sample talk for my She Speaks peer evaluation group. It's not my best - nerves, nerves, nerves - but I hope there are some words of encouragement for you in spite of the less-than-fantastic delivery.



(P.S. I am totally open to critique and suggestions! Anything you can offer to help me become a more effective message deliverer for Jesus is a gift. As long as it's wrapped up in love. I'm all about the loving suggestions for improvement!)

I Don't Have the Energy for That

I've noticed that us women who have struggles with anger, frustration, and impatience in our parenting seem to have one common refrain, "I know they need consistent discipline, but I just don't have the energy for that right now."

I have said it. I have heard others say it and nodded and "mmm-hmmm"ed my understanding. Today, I am compelled to call it what it is: bullcrap! (Yes, I said that on here!) The fact is, believing that I am too tired (or too ill, old, alone, worn out, beaten down, abused, hurt, whatever) to actively parent is - for most of us - buying into a lie straight from the pit of hell. (Here is where I will insert the caveat that I am referring to the general population of mothers, not to those who are in the throes of critical illness or family tragedy. In those instances, I have no doubt that "I can't handle it," is the absolute truth. These are the circumstances where family, friends, and especially the church must step in and help.)

If I am nitty-gritty honest, when I say "I just can't do it anymore! I'm so tired," what I really mean is: I am too selfish, I am too lazy, I am too busy. Too selfish to set my own agenda aside, to stop what I am doing, to focus on child-training. Too lazy to get up from the couch/office chair or walk into the next room in order to exact discipline. Too busy with my stuff (housework, ministry, writing - ahem) to take a break from the task at hand in favour of raising good people.

Funny thing is, my selfishness, laziness, and business ultimately create more work, cause me to expend more energy, and take up more time than active parenting. By being selfish, lazy, and busy, I am leadiong my children to be needy and demanding. "Mooooom, will you/ can you/ I need/ I want!" When I am doing my own thing too often, the kids will do what they can to garner my attention. Attention-seeking children can quickly turn into patience-sucking monsters, and next thing I know I am bellering at the top of my lungs in hopes of regaining control.

Out-of-control children = out-of-control mommy. But as James Dobson says, "Trying to control children by screaming is as utterly futile as trying to steer a car by honking the horn."*

So, how does one find the energy to dive wholeheartedly into the murky waters of active parenting, immediate discipline, and an in-control household? Well, I'm working on that! I'd love to hear the strategies you use, both for training your children AND for motivating yourself. What works in your home?

* Dr James Dobson, The New Dare to Discipline, pp.36

Maturity, does it equal boredom?

Do you ever wonder what happens to us when we become "mature" Christians? What changes? How do we get there? How did others get there?

A few things come to my mind when I think "mature" Christian:
- long walk with God
- enduring in faith through life's ups and downs
- in the Word every day
- praying for hours at a time
- faith that is calm (in contrast to the "fiery" and exuberant faith of a new believer)
- serene
- bored and boring (yes, I said it!).

There is a part of me that admires and aspires to be like the women I know who have walked with God for what seems like forever. But there is this tiny part of me that whispers, "Please Lord, don't let it be boring!"

Maybe you remember my prayers for the year of 2009? I prayed for God to unsettle me. I asked Him not to let me get too comfortable. He answered, and answered, and answered, and answered again!

This year, I began praying that the Lord would consecrate me (make me holy and set apart for His purposes). I didn't want to settle for a faith that was simply "good enough." But in the back of my mind I was also reminding Him that I didn't want to be bored (or boring).

For a short time, I let my heart drift away from His. I was bored AND boring. I had created my own little self-fulfilling prophecy (think that it will be lackluster and you will surely end up disinterested). But I was not, as I feared, uninspired because of maturity. I grew apathetic because I was slowly emptying of that which fills me - His Spirit. What little of Him I had inside of me was seeping out through my many cracks. As those cracks are pieced back together, and I feel the filling up happening again, things* are happening.

Guess what - deciding to be a "grown up" in the faith is far from humdrum! No, I sense that I am about to embark on an escapade of God-sized proportions!

I suspect that maturity is not tedious at all, but that it comes from maintaining a sense of peace, faith, and trust while riding life's ups and downs, over and over again. I am beginning to realize that the quest to become established and settled is probably one of the most adventurous journeys we can embark on!

No one is ever bored on a roller coaster! Some people - those familiar with its nausea-inducing motion - may appear a bit blase as they take their hundredth loop-de-loop, but we must be careful not to mistake their composure for apathy. If we were to hook them up to a biometrics machine, the heart rates of the experienced rider would be no slower than the shrieking 13-year-old boy's in the front row. Their composure is gained by holding fast, practicing lots, and the total faith (that comes with much experience) of knowing that they will not fall.

* things defined: life's ups and downs; stretching; growing; finding oneself in need of God's amazing provision; praying; seeking; obeying in spite of obstacles and doubt

In other words, not a single prayer said on our behalf would be wasted right now!

Putting a Bad Day Behind Me

Yesterday was a bad day.

Our Bible study leader wasn't there, and I was disappointed. I have missed her over spring break. Our discussion was different (stilted) without her to guide us.

Malakai ran away (far and fast) in the church parking lot. He ran past two other mothers and they just watched him. For the life of me, I can't figure out why people don't stop him! I mean, it should be obvious that a two-year-old is not supposed to be running in the midst of moving motor vehicles!

My allergies are going crazy. My nose was (and still is) itchy and sneezy all day. Super annoying.

After school, the three girls apparently made a unanimous decision to fight as much as possible and as loudly as possible.

I let it all pile up and it got to me! I was crabby, short-tempered, scowly, yelling, impatient, and feeling just plain tired. I was heavy on the yelling and threats, but far too light on the actual discipline and training.

This morning, as I reflect on what went wrong, all I know is that I want today to be different. Better.

I cannot control the circumstances around me. Ultimately, I cannot control my children's behaviour (though I can train them to behave well). Fact is, I cannot control my own emotions and reactions very well.

But I am reminded that He can. What He needs from me is simply my cooperation. I need to turn away from my sin (anger, impatience, yelling, laziness) and turn toward Him.

Faced with frustrations that could "ruin" my day, I can either choose to continue walking ahead (right into my sinful reactions) or I can choose to stop and make a u-turn.

I want to live a consecrated life. A life that is distinctly set apart for His purposes. I am learning that it is much less about the things that I do, and so much more about the things that I turn away from.

Today, so that I might cultivate the life God desires, I will turn around. I will seek Him. And when faced with all the stuff of life, I can ask Him to show me what to do.

Not doing what I want to do is not an act of my will. It is an act of submission to His will.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. ~Romans 7:18-20