My Heart is in Haiti

Last year, after Pat returned from Haiti, we decided that we would plan to go every year - together. Yes, this will cut into Pat's vacation time from work. Yes, this will cut into our finances (even if we raised funds for the trip, there are still child care expenses - 5 kids, 2 weeks...). Yes, this will likely mean that we could no longer do couple's getaways that were any longer than a weekend. But to be a part of the mighty work God is doing in Haiti - all those sacrifices are worth it!

One thing we didn't account for - what if God's plans are different than ours?

The most difficult decisions to make are always those which have us choosing between two (or more) options, all of which are very good. In June, I was invited to speak in a breakout session at a well-known local women's conference. The date of the conference was smack dab in the middle of this year's Haiti trip. One of the hardest decisions of my life. Ever.

We prayed. We discussed. We made lists. (Okay, I made lists.) We asked others for prayer and wise counsel.

Ultimately, God made the decision for us. The conference coordinator needed an answer, and we had not yet heard back as to whether we were accepted on the team to go to Haiti and serve with Haiti Arise Ministries. With a mix of joy, fear, and a bit of sorrow, I accepted the invitation to speak.

Two days later, we received an email letting us know they were checking references for Haiti. Sigh.

Pat will be going to Haiti again this fall, helping to rebuild the trade school that they helped complete last year (following the earthquake, it was deemed structurally unsound - is that a word? - and had to be demolished). And while I know that God orchestrated each detail, as the planning gets underway for Haiti I can't help but feel a little left behind.

As I was praying for the team this morning and for the people of Haiti, I shared my sorrow with God. He reminded me that Haiti is not going anywhere, and there will be a need for teams to continue going in for years to come. Then He encouraged me with the words shared by Angela Thomas at She Speaks:

Sometimes, it's not your turn yet. Become a woman who is ready, so that when God says, "now" you can jump right in.

This year, it is not my turn to be by my husband's side in Haiti. But I will continue to prepare my heart, because when God tells me it is my turn I sure don't want to be the one telling Him I'm not ready!

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I humbly ask that you would join me in praying for Pat and the rest of the team as they prepare for this trip. If you feel called to contribute financially, please send me a private email and I will forward to you the support letter and forms (all contributions are taxable donations and will receive a receipt from the church).

Here's a video Pat made from the (thousands) of pictures of last year's trip.

Mommy, Why Are You Angry?

Here is the video of my first sample talk for my She Speaks peer evaluation group. It's not my best - nerves, nerves, nerves - but I hope there are some words of encouragement for you in spite of the less-than-fantastic delivery.



(P.S. I am totally open to critique and suggestions! Anything you can offer to help me become a more effective message deliverer for Jesus is a gift. As long as it's wrapped up in love. I'm all about the loving suggestions for improvement!)

When God Messes Up Your Plans

I am a planner and a list-maker. I like to know what is ahead, what my next step should be. I do not like it when my plans get messed with! (Some people may refer to that tendency as “control issues.”)

This weekend, I breezed into a luxurious conference hotel with big plans. As my heeled sandals tapped out their little clickity-clack tune, I ticked items off the checklist.

Click – Attend meetings to pitch book proposal.

Clack – Take copious notes as I learn everything I need to know about speaking and writing and building my ministry.

Click – Have a Jesus weekend, experiencing Him in fresh new ways.

Clack – Network with people in the industry.

Clickity-clack, clickity-clack.

Day one ultimately went as planned. I had a fantastic meeting with one editor who accepted my proposal. The literary agent I sat down with also invited me to send her my proposal. I learned so much about marketing, speaking, and writing in so few hours that I wondered if it really might be possible for someone’s brain to explode. The hours I spent in sleep that evening were too few, yet I awoke energized, confident, and ready to clickity-clack my way through the plans for the next day.

A little-known secret at writer’s conferences is that you can often get squeezed in to see more editors than you were originally scheduled to meet with if you stop by to inquire about cancellations. This is how I scored another agent meeting for that afternoon. I just love it when things go according to plan!

It was during the morning session that I began to suspect that something was amiss. I jotted these words on my outline, “Do not allow serving God to take precedence over knowing the God whom you serve.” Those words – they bugged me.
Do I do that?
No, of course not. I know Jesus! I’m close to Him. The writing and speaking I am called to do is for Him and because of Him. Jesus and I, we’re like this – I crossed my middle finger on top of my index finger and looked at my hand.
Aren’t we?

Just in case, I figured I better head to the prayer room. After all, I am fully aware of the risk of heading off into ministry on my own strength. Falling on your face tends to be the result of those efforts. I prayed, Lord, I want You more than I want to serve You. I want to know You, be close to You, be able to say that we are tight.

It was a good prayer to pray, to ensure that things were right between me and the Lord. I fully expected to pray that very good prayer and go about my plans for the day. That is the moment God decided to completely mess up my plans.

Immediately, I was aware of a hollowness in my heart and an insincerity in my prayer. If my prayer were true, why had I neglected my quiet time with the Lord for the past two weeks as I prepared my book proposal? I knew I was a fraud. The good thing was to say that I wanted Jesus more than anything. The right thing was to show it.

The empty void in my heart bubbled up into my throat. Tears overtook my eyes. My chest shook as sobs wracked violently from my body. I fell to my knees, planted my face on the seat of a chair, and let God mess with me.

I am not sure how long I knelt in worship and repentance. It was long enough for my feet to tingle with numbness and copious snot to run down my face. It was long enough for God to turn my heart into one that truly did desire Him more than anything I could do to serve Him.

A whisper danced across my soul, and my Jesus asked me the question that cinched the deal and messed with my plans – not just for the day, but for everything. Tyler, do you really want Me more than anything? Do you want Me more than you want to sit down with that agent this afternoon? Do you want Me more than you want a publishing deal, a speaking ministry, and fancy networking relationships?

I stood, wiped the tears and snot from my face, waited for the feeling to return to my legs, and strode purposefully from that prayer room to the table perched outside the agent’s door. I confirmed that my name was indeed written down at the two o’clock time slot. It was. And I heard the devil ask me, “Surely He did not say that you could not have this meeting. You know He wants you to do all that you can to get His message out there.” I smiled at the girl behind the table, thanked her, and walked away – convinced that God just wanted my willingness and that I didn’t really have to give up that appointment.

Three clickity-clacking steps later my feet stopped moving. Something burned inside me. I was so uncomfortable! Love for Jesus and desire for significance warred within me. The bubble crawled up my throat once again. I turned back, ashamed, and asked the sweet lady to cross my name off the list as tears streamed down my cheeks. She asked, ”Are you sure?” “Yes,” I choked out, “God told me to cancel it.” She smiled and nodded. I could see in her eyes that she understood; God must have messed up her plans a time or two as well.

I have no doubt that if God intends for my book to be published He is able to make that happen, regardless of how many editors and agents I meet with. Ditto that for speaking engagements, networking opportunities, and ministry growth. So I'm going to let Him take care of that stuff - that's His job. My job is just to love my Jesus more than anything else.

Thank-you, Lord, for loving me enough to mess up my plans.

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To see the verse the Lord gave me for my M & M these next two weeks, go here.

M & M #4

Edited to add my verse for M & M #4:

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ~Matthew 6:33

To keep ourselves saturated in God's Word this summer, a few of us are joining together in Scripture memory. Every two weeks, we choose a new verse and share it here. I would be honoured to have you join me. Even if you're brand new here, you can start today! Just leave a comment telling us which verse you plan to work on (we'll focus on this verse from July 31st to August 14th).

Wondering exactly how to do this mediation and memorization (m & m) thing? Check out the first M & M post.

How did you do with your memory verse these past two weeks?

If you joined in last time, tell us how you did. Try writing your verse in the comments - from memory. Don't worry if you don't quite have it down! Remember, even as you work on new verses, you continue to practice the previous ones. And if you chose a larger passage of Scripture, you just might need to stay focused on that one for the whole month.

Which passage of Scripture are you going to tackle for the next two weeks?

Here is my last passage:

If anyone speaks, let him he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, let him he should do it with the very strength God provides, so that in all things God is glorified may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and power forever and ever. Amen. ~1 Peter 4:11

(Ahem. Clearly, I haven't been working on this one every morning. But I'm close, so I will still choose another verse and will continue to practice this one and all the others I've done so far this year - which, to be honest, doesn't amount to many.)

Here is my passage for the next 2 weeks:

Okay, I don't actually have a verse selected yet. ;) Based on my experience last year, I know that God will be speaking to me a great deal all weekend at She Speaks. I am waiting for Him to show me what my next verse will be...

Don't be a Moses

I am reading Exodus right now, and it's definitely one of my favourite parts of the Bible. As I read I can envision scenes from "The Prince of Egypt" playing in my mind. Of course, those images are overlapping with visions of Charleton Heston standing on the mountain, beard waving in the breeze, holding two tablets of stone in his arms.

Rather than allowing myself to be carried away by the story (as I usually am reading the great history laid out in the Old Testament), I am trying to take things more slowly - a couple chapters per day - in an effort to glean more wisdom from the pages. Today, I am reflecting on Moses' calling from God and his response. (Below is my paraphrase of the whole situation.)

- Moses sees a bush on fire that is not burning up. The bush (the Lord) speaks to Moses, telling him that he has been chosen by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and into freedom.

- Moses says, "Who am I, that I should do this?"

- God reassures Moses that He will be with Moses the whole time.

- Moses asks, "Well, what if the Israelites don't believe You sent me?"

- God tells Moses to say "I AM sent me."

- Moses then asks, "Well, what if the Egyptians don't believe You sent me?"

- God gives Moses miraculous powers AND assures Moses that He will reach out His hand over Egypt and they will recognize the Lord.

- Then Moses tells God, "But God, I'm no good at public speaking!"

- God reassures Moses that He will put the words right in Moses' mouth.

- Next, Moses whines and asks God to pleeeeease send someone else.

Then the LORD's anger burned against Moses. (Exodus 4:14a)

By the time I arrived to that verse, my anger was burning against Moses! I was so annoyed with him, thinking, "Moses, you dufus. He is GOD! Stop questioning Him. Just do what He says and trust that He will lead you every step. Sheesh, dude!"

And then I felt a quiet question whisper in my heart. How much time do I waste questioning God and His call? How far do I push with my lack of faith and trust? Do I bring the Lord to a place of anger or frustration before I finally listen and obey?

I can think of two areas where I'm pretty sure I've provoked God's ire...

God called me to write this book at least a couple years before I wrote the post about it. Part of the writing, I'm sure, is for me and me alone. While there have been huge improvements in my struggle with anger, there continue to be days where I feel as though I've fallen right back to the beginning. I believe that God's full deliverance will come once I have finished what He asked me to do. I'm still (slowly, and at times barely) working on it.

When we moved, I had a strong sense of awareness that God was calling me to a new ministry. A shift of focus in my ministry to women. I think that God knew I would not be able to let go of WOW to do something new (but would instead try to do it all). We arrived here and I knew that I was supposed to make my ministry focus threefold: writing, speaking, and ministry consulting. That was eight months ago.

Man, I am burning in anger at myself! What happened to my desire to serve? When did I become such a wuss? Why in the world have I been holding off on doing what I believe God has called me to do? Fear. Insecurity. Loneliness. Laziness.

Taking the BLAST course has been instrumental in building my confidence in my calling and teaching me the practical steps to take in order to move forward. And signing up for She Speaks this year has given me the kick-start I desperately needed to actually take those steps. I am ready to stop annoying myself and God by acting like Moses. Instead, I want to be an Isaiah.

Here am I, Lord. Send me! (Isaiah 6:8b)

How about you? Is there an area in your life where you've been a Moses lately?


P.S. If you think BLAST will help you launch your speaking and writing ministry, Shannon is taking applications for the fall class now. If you sign up, let her know I referred you - I get a little discount on my course costs if you sign up because of me. :)

Ever Wonder About Marketing? - con't

For this first part of this post, click here.

We left off with a question hanging in the air. Should a speaker/writer be promoting herself, or should she just leave that up to God?

As you know, I am a big proponent of people serving in their area of giftedness. I absolutely believe that every Christian MUST learn what their spiritual gifts are and then do all that can be done to develop those gifts and serve God with them. Romans 12:6-9 says, We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

We are instructed to use our gifts and use them well! (Luke 12:48 CEV) To be confident in our calling. (2 Peter 1:10) To invest wisely with our talents, not burying them. (Matthew 25:14-28)

Through these Scriptures, the counsel of the Holy Spirit, and the teaching of others (Shannon Ethridge through BLAST, Proverbs 31 Ministries through She Speaks, to name a couple), my perspective on marketing has slowly been changing. I am realizing that by not doing the self-marketing required to move ahead in this ministry, I am:

#1 - Not using my gifts as well as I could be;
#2 - Not totally confident in my calling or in God's ability (and desire) to use me;
#3 - To some degree, burying my talents.

While I continue to believe it's important not to become prideful (that is, being proud of MY gifts rather than thankful to the Giver), I am also learning that I have some serious obligations in this ministry. An obligation to other women (women who may be walking through some of the same stuff I've experienced) - to share with them that there is a Hope of something beyond their current circumstances. An obligation to myself - to be the very best I can be, not selling myself short or giving into fear and insecurity. And most importantly, an obligation to God - to ensure that He gets all the glory for how my messed up life has anything beautiful in it. After all, I have been entrusted with this life and these life experiences.

All this to answer my own question from the last post - Do I agree or disagree with the statement, "If God wants me to be marketed and get published, He will make it happen?" My answer is yes and no.

Yes - God can and will fulfill His will in my life.
No - I cannot simply sit back and wait for it to happen.

God and I, we're in a partnership in this thing (life, ministry). He can do it all without me if He wants to, but that wouldn't build our relationship or grow me spiritually. He wants me to be an active and willing participant in His work.

So, what do you think? Has your opinion changed from the last post?

And is there something you feel God is calling you to do that will further your ministry for Him and His glory?

Just a quick note to let you know that there's going to be some fun and excitement here this week. While I am off having much fun and excitement camping with my mom and kids, I've got some special things planned for you. There will be a couple "gooders" pulled up from the archives, but even better - TWO AMAZING GUEST POSTS! You are going to love these girls as much as I do, I just know it! I promise that you will be ending your week with a full heart and misty-eyes...

M & M #3

To keep ourselves saturated in God's Word this summer, a few of us are joining together in Scripture memory. Every two weeks, we choose a new verse and share it here. I would be honoured to have you join me. Even if you're brand new here, you can start today!

Wondering exactly how to do this mediation and memorization (m & m) thing? Check out the first M & M post.

How did you do with your memory verse these past two weeks?

If you joined in last time, tell us how you did. Try writing your verse in the comments - from memory. Don't worry if you don't quite have it down! Remember, even as you work on new verses, you continue to practice the previous ones. And if you chose a larger passage of Scripture, you just might need to stay focused on that one for the whole month.

Here's my last verse, from memory (hopefully I've got it down; I was a little lax in my practicing!): If God has been generous with you, He will expect you to serve Him well. If He has been more than generous, He will expect you to serve Him even better. ~Luke 12:48b (CEV). (Okay, confession, I had to look at my index card to remember where in the Bible this verse came from! I had James in my head.)

Which passage of Scripture are you going to tackle for the next two weeks?

Because I'm preparing for She Speaks, and have been very focused on my writing and speaking these days, I have chosen 1 Peter 4:11:

If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the very strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and power forever and ever. Amen.

The Writing, It's In My Blood!

About a year ago, I was telling someone about the book I've been (ever so slowly) working on. She said to me, "So, you want to be a writer, eh?" I smiled and said, "I hope so." But inside my heart was pounding in my ears and I knew something I had never acknowledged before: I already am a writer, I always have been. The only difference was that I had begun pursuing becoming a published writer.

From the moment I was able to identify words on a page, I was obsessed with reading. I would devour book after book and in-between books I would weave together stories in my head. I fancied myself an aspiring novelist - probably a romance novelist. For a sixth grade writing project I submitted a 10-page short story complete with switching back-and-forth between simultaneous scenes (at least I learned something from all the after school soap opera watching). I journalled, I made up songs, I played with poetry. Toying with words was an addiction.

Somewhere along the road of life I learned that writers don't really make any money. Kinda like artists. And in my pursuit of an actual career where a predictable income was earned I went to university for my psychology degree. I did school and work and motherhood, eventually "settling" on motherhood for a season. I re-discovered God, began living my life with Him in mind, and found myself called to ministry. All the while, this writing gene lay dormant.

A few years back, a trendy and innovative friend (thanks Louise!) introduced me to a crazy thing called "blogging." My inner rebel (the one who refuses to join into anything that's "in") wanted to resist, but I was helpless against the siren song of the written word.

My old blog started out as a G (maybe PG) rated version of an online journal, but it wasn't long before I knew I wanted to write words that had purpose. Because if - ohmygoodness - there were actually people reading my words, it mattered to me that my words would somehow point them to Jesus.

I don't know if this book in my heart will ever make it onto a publisher's desk. I don't know if I will ever be able to build a platform large enough to satisfy the publishing world's requirements. I don't even know if, when it's all down on paper, the words will make any sense whatsoever. But I do know this - writers write. It's what we do. Not necessarily because we have a project to finish or a deadline to meet. We write because it's part of us.

My hope and prayer is that the message God has placed in my heart will get out there, that it will help others, change lives, and draw women closer to God. So I will pursue that dream. (But even if it doesn't come to pass, I will keep on writing.)

As one small part of the work toward the goal of getting published, I have registered for She Speaks - a conference that offers equipping for writers, speakers, and women's ministry leaders - for the second year in a row, this time with the focus of learning how to build my platform (though I have still requested publisher meetings because, well, you never know!). While I know there are bigger things going on in the world, I would like to humbly ask for your prayers. I registered for this conference, feeling the nudge by God to do so, but knowing that we did not have the means to cover all the costs involved. Right now I sit in a place of waiting on the Lord, believing that if I really should be there He will provide. So I ask that you pray for me to be patient, to have peace, and to trust. Because I tell ya, waiting is hard!

By the way, if any publishing people out there are reading this post, I would like to assure you that my sentence structure is much more correct in book format. :)

Maturity, does it equal boredom?

Do you ever wonder what happens to us when we become "mature" Christians? What changes? How do we get there? How did others get there?

A few things come to my mind when I think "mature" Christian:
- long walk with God
- enduring in faith through life's ups and downs
- in the Word every day
- praying for hours at a time
- faith that is calm (in contrast to the "fiery" and exuberant faith of a new believer)
- serene
- bored and boring (yes, I said it!).

There is a part of me that admires and aspires to be like the women I know who have walked with God for what seems like forever. But there is this tiny part of me that whispers, "Please Lord, don't let it be boring!"

Maybe you remember my prayers for the year of 2009? I prayed for God to unsettle me. I asked Him not to let me get too comfortable. He answered, and answered, and answered, and answered again!

This year, I began praying that the Lord would consecrate me (make me holy and set apart for His purposes). I didn't want to settle for a faith that was simply "good enough." But in the back of my mind I was also reminding Him that I didn't want to be bored (or boring).

For a short time, I let my heart drift away from His. I was bored AND boring. I had created my own little self-fulfilling prophecy (think that it will be lackluster and you will surely end up disinterested). But I was not, as I feared, uninspired because of maturity. I grew apathetic because I was slowly emptying of that which fills me - His Spirit. What little of Him I had inside of me was seeping out through my many cracks. As those cracks are pieced back together, and I feel the filling up happening again, things* are happening.

Guess what - deciding to be a "grown up" in the faith is far from humdrum! No, I sense that I am about to embark on an escapade of God-sized proportions!

I suspect that maturity is not tedious at all, but that it comes from maintaining a sense of peace, faith, and trust while riding life's ups and downs, over and over again. I am beginning to realize that the quest to become established and settled is probably one of the most adventurous journeys we can embark on!

No one is ever bored on a roller coaster! Some people - those familiar with its nausea-inducing motion - may appear a bit blase as they take their hundredth loop-de-loop, but we must be careful not to mistake their composure for apathy. If we were to hook them up to a biometrics machine, the heart rates of the experienced rider would be no slower than the shrieking 13-year-old boy's in the front row. Their composure is gained by holding fast, practicing lots, and the total faith (that comes with much experience) of knowing that they will not fall.

* things defined: life's ups and downs; stretching; growing; finding oneself in need of God's amazing provision; praying; seeking; obeying in spite of obstacles and doubt

In other words, not a single prayer said on our behalf would be wasted right now!

I Did It!

I did it! I'm going!

Stirring up the Embers

There has been a crazy dream stirring up in my heart. The first little spark of that dream appeared several years ago - a hint of things to come. Recently, I have sensed God blowing on the embers and fanning the flame.

Like I said, it's a wild and crazy dream...

You already know about the writing. It's a passion of mine. Writing what I see, feel, hear, and learn makes it real. If it's not written down, chances are it will slip away into the recesses of my mind. I have many stories - a lot of life lived for such a young thang (teehee) - but one particular account has been burning to be told, the anger story (and how God is writing the ending). Once it is permanently etched in the hard drive of my computer, though, I have no doubt that God will blow His wind on other stories. Tales of starting out a young marriage in a faith dichotomy, a young girl looking for love in all the wrong places who eventually finds what she was looking for in the only One who can provide it, walking through post-partum depression and surviving, an ill-equipped and inexperienced "baby" Christian starting a women's ministry that somehow (in spite of her and all because of Him) thrives... There are volumes just waiting to be poured out!

Chronicling God's work on paper (or hard drive), however, is not the only way to get a message out there. Though I resisted, I have long sensed God pulling me to share the message not only through my fingertips, but with my mouth. It is a terrifying prospect, accompanied by many conflicting emotions. Fear of failure. Fear of letting God down. Fear of fumbling so much that the listener can only focus on my ineptitude and doesn't see God's greatness. Fear of being good at it. Fear of growing prideful. Fear of public scrutiny and harsh judgement. Fear of letting all my baggage lay on the ground in front of others. F-E-A-R.

I can let fear win, or - with Christ's strength - I can conquer it. Here are some things that have inspired me to go with the latter:
* When Moses refused God's call and asked Him to send someone else, "The LORD's anger burned against Moses." (Exodus 4:14) I would rather not be the one to incite God's wrath.
* I was told that, when God calls us to "minister to the masses," we have a responsibility to pursue our calling and fine-tune our gifts/talents/abilities so that we can effectively reach a great number of people. (Thanks, Shannon Ethridge.)
* A friend, with similar passions and fears, is walking alongside me. (Having a friend on the journey always makes it easier, doesn't it?)
* A verse was given to me at the time of my greatest doubt. Proverbs 1:21, "At the head of the noisy streets she cries out, in the gateways of the city she makes her speech..."
* A couple other friends are cheering me on: this one, this one, this one, and most importantly - this one.

One tentative step at a time, I will move forward, laying down the kindling, striking the match, then stepping back to let the wind of God to fan the flame.

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On her blog, Lysa TerKeurst (of Proverbs 31 Ministries in North Carolina) is giving away a scholarship for someone to attend the She Speaks conference (scholarship money from Cecil Murphy). She Speaks offers amazing teaching, practice, and peer critique opportunities for speakers, writers, and ministry leaders. On a little side note - if you have those passions in your heart and would like to develop your gifts, you absolutely MUST check it out!

I don't know if God has plans for me to attend that conference this year, but I do know that it cannot be done on my own strength (or finances - my priority for this year is to get my hubby back to Haiti, where his heart was left last fall). So I'm adding this post to the long list of women who would love to attend She Speaks, and leaving it in His hands. Trusting, too, that if He provides the scholarship He will also (somehow) provide the flight. And if not, resting assured that this step is not His next step for me.

Making the Turn-Around

I don't know about you, but in my life I find that there are a few particular sins that I tend to revisit over and over again. It's this never-ending cycle: sin, confess, be forgiven, do better, sin again...

One area that has been a huge struggle for me, for years, is anger towards my kids. It's so easy to slip into. Take yesterday for example... Life was great! I am pumped up and filled up from my weekend at She Speaks. I have been calm, patient, and firm in my discipline. We had two really great days. But yesterday something changed.

Maybe it was the rain, or the amount of time I spent at the computer, or maybe just a fluke - but let me tell you, these five kids were insane! Hyper, crazy, silly, loud, fun play inevitably turned into injury and tears. No matter how many times I calmly took those children aside and directed them to settle down, they would not stop. All that noise, the crying, and tattling - it got to me.

I completely lost my cool. Bellering at the top of my lungs, I directed five children toward their beds for some quiet time. When they argued, whined, and pleasded their cases I bellered some more. I pointed my finger toward the bedrooms, leaned in toward them, told them to "MOVE IT NOW" or risk the wrath of my raised hand coming down hard on their little tushies. I literally bit my tongue to keep from shouting "Shut up!" when more begging and apologizing came.

Right now, I am in pursuit of a personal spiritual revival. My heart is not content with a lukewarm, comfortable faith. As much as I dont want my world rocked, I really want God to rock my world! But I just don't know if He can work out a revival in this angry heart of mine...

Repentance is a prelude to revival.
~ Donna Jordan

According to Donna Jordan (a wise, Godly, humble woman) my revival will not be coming until I repent.

If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.
~Psalm 66:18

[S]he who conceals [her] sin does not prosper.
~ Proverbs 28:13

To repent is to turn away from sin. The act of confessing my sins and seeking forgiveness is not enough to bring about revival. I must put the sin out there and say, "Sin, you are taking me in this direction. I am going to leave you behind, turn around, and head in the completely opposite direction."

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to stop the momentum of the rage that was building in me. In my heart I said, "Anger, I will not go there with you tonight. Nuh-uh. You, my long-time companion, can go ahead and hop on your little train of emotional breakdown. But I won't be coming along. In fact, I am getting on this other train that's headed in the opposite direction. I'm taking a ride on the train of emotional self-control. Buh-bye!"

I released the kids from their time-outs, instructed them to get their rain boots and coats on, and let them be crazy outside (it lasted about fifteen minutes until all their teeth were chattering). They came in, feasted on their dinner of mini pizzas, and settled into their jammies with a movie.

I honestly can't think of a time in recent years where I have been able to make a turn-around like this. The pattern, as I said, is usually more like: lose it on the kids, weep with my guilt, seek forgiveness from God and kids, try to move on until the next time.

You know, I really wasn't even able to make that turn-around this time. But God. It strikes me that when I am submitted to His will in one area of my life, He makes the path of submission and repentance in other areas so much easier.

I'm sure it doesn't hurt that each time I crave nasty foods that are off-limits right now, I am praying that God remove the spirit of anger from me.

Bring on the revival!

Reviving

I expected to return home from my weekend at She Speaks full of excitement, wisdom, knowledge, ideas, and the like. I anticipated calling a ministry meeting and sharing what I've learned in hopes of inspiring each of the women on my team to pursue a deeper relationship with her Jesus. I hoped to come back to this place and be on fire for writing my book with confidence and purpose. These were just some of my plans. I had big plans... As my new friend Lysa so aptly puts it,

But God.

In her heart a woman plans her course, but the LORD determines her steps. ~Proverbs 16:9

I sure did write down a lot of ideas on my list of "Action Steps" throughout the weekend. And I do believe that someday God will call me to take those steps. But for today, I choose to accept His plans as my plans.

Lysa shared with us a personal journey the Lord has been taking her on. She has been sharing about it on her blog for a couple months. When she writes about it, I can feel God nudging me. And I have been putting my fingers in my ears and singing, "la, la, la, la, I can't hear you!"

You see, my struggle with weight loss has not been a weight loss issue. It has been an obedience issue - rather, an issue of disobedience. God has been calling me to submit to Him, and I have been resisting. I have been comfortable with eating anything and everything I enjoy; what God was calling me to do was going to be very uncomfortable. Very unsettling.

Beginning this morning, my Jesus and I are walking out onto some deep waters. I can't see the bottom, and it's terrifying. But I know that if I keep my gaze fixed on Him, He will not let me drown. In fact, He won't even let my feet get wet. So if you see me beginning to sink down into the icy cold waters, I give you permission to ask me if my eyes are still focused on my One and Only.

I went to the cross Sunday morning, and picked up a paper with a promise from the Lord. One that had been prayed over by a faithful group of servant women, one that I knew was just for me the moment I read it.

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations. ~Psalm 33:11

I've been asking Him, Jesus, what are Your plans for me? What are Your purposes?

He answered, My plans and purposes have never changed from the beginning of time. I want My Name to be glorified through the obedience of My people.

I dared to ask the question, Lord, where is there disobedience in my life? What do You want me to submit to You?

Even as I asked it, my weak heart was scrambling to pull the thought back in! That was a very dangerous question to ask. The moment the question was formed I was brought back to this prayer I prayed. And I knew.

Jesus asked me, Tyler, what do you love more - junk food or Me? Do you love Me enough to give up your precious snacks?

I do, I do, Jesus help me, I do! But it is going to be so HARD!

I don't know exactly what I can eat and what I can't. Meats, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains - for sure. As for the things that may or may not fit (like my Honey Nut Cheerios in the morning, or dressings and toppings), I'll take those one at a time, asking Him as we go. For forty days (longer if He asks), I'm going to spend time in the hot, dusty, lonely desert with my Jesus. And when the struggle feels overwhelming, the pangs of my flesh crying out for self-satisfaction, I will get down on my knees (and sometimes my face).

I went to She Speaks anticipating revival. I just didn't realize how very personal this reviving process would be.

Assorted and Random Update

Pictures I meant to include in the last post, but got tired of waiting for them to upload...

Did I mention that the first plane we were on was barely one step above a puddle jumper? There's April and I offering our early-morning, make-up free smiles. That is one big pimple on my chin!

The girls sitting down for the early-bird dinner. Far left is Peggy (black and white shirt), centre is April (black and white tank), and far right is Karen (white top, glasses). The other lady was one of the many beautiful women at the dinner.

Peggy and I hamming it up - giddy on lack of sleep.

The hotel. This is indoors. Instead of enclosed hallways, all the rooms open to a balcony-style hallway that looks down on the lobby. It is really quite stunning.


I am learning so much! The presence of God is so heavy in this place, and He is speaking. Man, is He speaking. More on that later...

In the prayer room, each woman's name (600 of them) has been prayerfully placed around one of the names of God. I found mine at Jehova-Shammah (The Lord is There, The Lord my Companion). It says, "God's presence is not limited or contained the the Tabernacle or Temple, but is accessible to all who love and obey Him."

And to answer the question in your heads - my publisher meetings were fantastic! I had an amazing opportunity to meet with three editors/publishing houses (David C. Cook, Kregel, Harvest House) and one agent (William K. Jensen Agency). I was filled with confidence and spoke well. All four of them invited me to submit my proposal via email! I was wondering if perhaps them telling me to email it in was a polite brush-off, but I have spoken to many women who did not mention being given business cards with email addresses, who were instead given feedback on how to improve on their current proposal. The next step relies on whether my writing is good enough, my style readable and enjoyable, and totally on God's hand. And, um, patience. Apparently, it could be six months before I hear from anyone.

In the midst of all this excitement, here is what I know in my heart. This book is not about me. It is about God, His unreasonable grace, His power to deliver, and the glory of His name. If it goes anywhere - it is all Him. I cannot write in my own strength, and I most definitely cannot become free from anger without His power. There are three things I want from this project: to find my own freedom in Christ; to help other mothers be freed from their anger, through Christ; and to see the name of Jesus lifted high. Anything else is simply icing on the cake. Don't get me wrong - it would totally rock - but it's not the reason.

If nothing comes of it, I will continue to obey Him and write it. Through writing it I am trusting Him to deliver me from anger. And I will share it with anyone He puts in my path. And I will pass it on to my children. I will be free, other moms will be free, and the name of Jesus will be shouted from the rooftops. Either way, His purposes will be served. And the fact that I get to do something I really love doing is just joy!

Well, I skipped my last session to wash my hair. Because I had a massage over lunch (which means I am hungry right now) I had icky greasy hair at my nape. I couldn't take it! But now my hair is clean and that session is almost ready to wrap up. The next session is one I just cannot miss - for the sheer fun of it. You'll get to see why later. ;)

P.S. Please pray for Kai (almost 2) who is home with Daddy (and Grandma - love you, Mom!) and is fighting off a virus. You'd think that by now satan would realize He can't pull me away from God with his stupid little tricks! Seriously, every time I'm away to grow one (or more) of the kids is sick. Too bad for the devil that I totally trust God and my family with the kids. No way will he get me to be distracted and anxious! But I'm sure it would be nice for the adults at home if the little man was a bit more content.

Oh Yes, She Speaks!

Before I get to the big news, here's a brief recap...

The four of us - April, Karen, Peggy, and myself arrived in Charlotte around 4:30pm (EST) yesterday. Apparently we just missed a wee bit of security excitement. Depending on who you speak to, rumor has it a man ran through the security check with a weapon OR there was a bomb threat. We saw no evidence of anything amiss when we disembarked the plane.

We checked in to the most fabulous Embassy Suites and freshened up.

Then we joined a group of other early arrivers for dinner. Today, I have seen five women that I met last night - what a relief to know a few people in this crowd!

We even had a little over an hour to cruise through the famous outlet mall. (Even at outlet prices, I found myself running out of a few stores.)

This morning came early (6:00 here is 4:00 at home), and we got all gussied up in our business casual gear. We got ourselves registered for the pre-conference and launched into session.

Renee Swope spoke for the early morning devotional. It was G-O-O-D! After the session, I asked her about her toes and fingernails (based on her comment in this post).

Right now I am skipping out on a session and hiding in my hotel room. The jitters were taking over, and I needed to step away and crank out my voice in praises to my Lord. Casting Crowns and I are currently rockin' out "The Voice of Truth."

But wait - the reason for my title. One of the sessions this morning hit me smack in-between the eyes. Powerful, world-changing, ministry-shaping words of wisdom were imparted. And not only did I write down every single word, I got to speak to the one who shared the words. First, I made sure to tell her how she blesses me and how her words impacted me. Then, I pulled out the camera and handed it to Peggy. From one blogger to another, she totally understood my need to record the moment.



More later (probably much later) tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. I'm on a 30-minute countdown to publisher appointment #1...

The Anticipation is THICK in the Air

I awoke this morning with a Scripture pressing on my heart...

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" ~1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV)

No one's ever seen or heard anything like this, Never so much as imagined anything quite like it — What God has arranged for those who love him. But you've seen and heard it because God by his Spirit has brought it all out into the open before you. (Msg)

As I pondered this verse in multiple versions on biblegateway, I saw that it referenced back to Isaiah 64:4...

Since before time began no one has ever imagined, no ear heard, no eye seen, a God like you who works for those who wait for him. You meet those who happily do what is right, who keep a good memory of the way you work. ~Isaiah 64:4 (Msg)

Today is going to be a really good day! Today is going to be a GOD day!

On My Way (*edited)

For some reason I have this song in my head...
I'm on my way
From misery to happiness today
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
It's complete with The Proclaimers' funny accents and everything.

If that song is now hopelessly stuck in your head, or if (gasp) you've never had the privilege, just click here.

Though you'll be reading this in the morning, I'm typing it late at night.

I'm like a school girl, the night before the first day of Kindergarten. I am so excited that I'm practically vibrating. Yet I feel just nervous enough that my tummy is gurgling.

As you read this, I am in the skies above - well, I just don't know where. It has occurred to me that I don't actually know where North Carolina is in relation to Alberta! I always did dislike geography (although we actually call it social studies here in Canada).

As She Speaks flows along, I will try to pop over to my hotel room to post random pictures and little details about the happenings. And you can trust that if when God smacks me in the face with something He wants me to learn, I will tell you all about that, too!

Just fyi, my publisher appointments are at 2:45pm and 7:30pm on Friday. And my speaker evaluation groups at 8:00pm on Friday and 5:00pm on Saturday. This is in NC time (no clue what time zone that is, lol). So if you feel compelled to pray that I don't barf on my shoes - or those of the lovely publishers I will be speaking to - please do so especially at those times.

If I get to meet Lysa in person, oh golly, I will probably trip over my own tongue!

And now, I shall attempt to get approximately three hours of sleep before we begin our trek to the airport! hahahahahahhahahaha Oh, sorry, that is just my hysterical laughter at the idea of actually being able to sleep. And/or imagining how fantastically I am going to be functioning tomorrow. Go ahead, I know you want to laugh at me, too. If I do anything stupid in my stupor I'll be sure to make your day by sharing. ;)

* Okay, I had a burning need to come back on here at 3am to add this:
- please know that I am NOT miserable; those are just the words of the song, people...
and
- do you remember "Where in the World is Carmen, San Diego?"; thanks to my geographical ignorance, that song has been plaguing me in my sleep; I am now going to find out where I'm going (thank-you, mapquest!)