Potty Training Boys 101

Okay, I've only potty trained two boys, so I may not be an expert in the matter. But I have potty trained five kids total, so I'd say I'm well-versed in the subject of potty training.

I want to give you one simple tip that will help your little man "get" potty training faster.

Let him pee standing up.

Some of you are thinking, "Duh. Of course." But I know that when I had my first boy, I was convinced that all children must first learn to pee while sitting. After all, their aim is a little precarious at the age of two. I'm making an assumption that I'm not the only Mom who believed in the 'sitting to pee while potty training rule.'

Anyway, change your rule. Let him pee standing up. And if at all possible, let him see other boys standing to pee (Daddy, big brother, etc.).

If he's not quite tall enough, buy a little step stool.

If his aim is terrible, drop a couple Cheerios in the bowl for him to aim at.

I assure you, this little tip will make potty training way more fun for him! And boys are all about the fun...

Counter-Culture Decisions



courtesty of squidoo.com

In the spring, Pat and I spent some time re-evaluating what our family does and why we do it. We had gotten so very busy - overwhelmingly busy - and needed to figure out how much extra-curricular involvement was really necessary.

When we first moved here, we enrolled the kids in sports. Gymnastics, soccer, skating, karate... We felt that having an activity to engage in would help the kids "feel at home" in our new community. Our hearts were in the right place.

The results, however, were not at all what I'd hoped for. Rather than finding that one thing, each of our kids wanted to try a smorgasbord of activities. When one activity's eight-week cycle ended, the next would begin. We were all over the place, practically every day of the week.

So we began to ask ourselves what really mattered to us...

Building a close connection with a small group from our church.

Investing in others in our church and community, through acts of service and good old friendship.

Learning to love the people in our family deeply.

Having time to read the Bible and pray together as a family.

Being a family who is active and healthy.

Having lives of peace.

Interestingly, none of our goals included driving around every night of the week, being frenzied and impatient because we always have somewhere to go, training up Olympian gymnasts and black belt karate experts.

We made a tough decision in May - we decided that we would take a break from extra-curricular activities, with a couple exceptions. (I insisted that Pat continue to play hockey, as most games are later and don't interfere with family time and I believe in the importance of him having an outlet and some "guy time." We also chose to keep Braeden (13) enrolled in Air Cadets. We've seen a marked change in his level of independence, confidence, and attitude, and as such saw value for our whole family if he continued.)

But the other stuff that had us going like crazy people all week - it's gone. For now.

Last night, we spent some dedicated time as a family reading God's Word and praying together. This is the second time we've done so since school started.

Before that, the kids were out riding bikes, getting exercise and having fun together. They've been able to do that almost every day.

Once everyone was tucked into bed for the night, I commented to Pat on how much time we have this fall. Then I smiled, because I felt peace in my heart.

Later, Pat and I talked about our plans for small group this year, and sent an email off to the other couples about our start date. Rather than dreading the weekly commitment, we're excited!

I won't say that we're done with activities forever. But I can't say that I'm eager to sign anyone up for anything anytime soon.

Going counter-culture isn't easy, but sometimes it's the only way to set things right again. Kinda reminds me of our TV and video game decision...

What side of the fence are you on? Pro activities? Anti-activities? Somewhere in the middle?

Protection? Or Presence?

Last week I mentioned a couple difficult situations that my children (and I) are walking through...

I've been thinking and praying about those things on behalf of my kids. A lot.

God's been answering me, speaking to my heart about life's struggles. What He's been saying surprised me. For example...

I asked Him for help for Malakai. I prayed that drop off time at daycare wouldn't be so difficult for him, that he would be less sad and afraid. I asked God to be with him, protect him, and comfort him. I asked God to turn Kai's experience around, so that he would be excited about the fun days he would have.

At first, I heard what I expected to hear from the Lord...

Tyler, I love your little boy even more than you do. I have his best interests at heart. I am always with him, protecting and comforting him. You can trust Me with him.

But then, God started saying (not out loud, but into my heart) things that took me by surprise.

Just as I use every situation - especially the difficult ones - to shape you to serve Me, I will use this trial in Malakai's life for My Kingdom purposes.

Do not think that your children will be exempt from hardship simply because you love and serve Me. If their faith and strength and character are "by default," they will be weak. But a faith in Me that comes from truly needing Me will be their own. Yes, daughter, even in their preschool years I am already shaping them for My service.

Imagine the great things that a child named "Messenger of God" can do for My Kingdom. Then multiply that by 1,000. Those are the kind of plans I have for Malakai...and for each of your children.

But just as you needed to walk through hardships, grow in faith, allow yourself to lean into My strength, and become mature in character in order to serve Me - so will they. If I protect them from these trials that come their way, they will miss out on something greater I have for them.

Trust Me.

As God and I had this conversation, and I wanted to argue with Him about what was best for my children, I was reminded of how Beth Moore prays for her daughters... She has often mentioned praying along the lines of, "Lord, please do not protect these children from that which will bring them into Your Presence." (Not a direct quote. But if someone has her exact words handy, please share!)

I've often thought how wildly brave that prayer is, and how cowardly my own prayers for my children seem in comparison. I ask for His protection for them, but fail to ask for them to experience the reality of His presence in their lives.

And that begs the question... What would I rather have for my children - His protection or His presence?

Have you ever prayed that wildly brave prayer for your children?

Life Isn't Fair

Do you remember proclaiming this truth as a kid? Anything and everything that didn't go my way was met with a whining, "It's not fair!"

My kids say it all the time (annoying). The funny thing is, they usually complain about how unfair I'm being when, in truth, what's happening is completely fair. For example, no snack right before dinner. I repeat the same line five times over, as each kid requests a snack. At least a couple of them reply with, "But Mom, that's not fair!"

My response to their proclamation varies (depending on my mood, I think). Sometimes I just ignore it. Other times I chuckle and inform them that it is fair. And periodically I let them know that, "Life isn't always fair. Get used to it." Don't you hate that?! (I hated hearing it when I was young, but now that I know how true it is, it seems I can't help myself from saying it.)

The thing is, I can easily tell my kids that life just is not fair when it comes to rules and discipline and expectations around the house. But when the unfairness is brought on by someone or something other than me...

My little man's breaking heart when I drop him off at daycare in the morning - it's not fair.

My kind and sweet daughter being picked on by a couple less kind and sweet girls in her class - it's not fair.

My special needs son being refused funding that he is eligible for based on illogical reasoning - it's not fair.

Somehow, in these situations, my standard response seems cold and uncaring.

What I want to tell them is that they deserve better. I want them to know that I will fight for them. I want to promise them that everything will be okay.

But I can't.

Because life isn't fair. In this world, you will have trouble.

My inner Mama Bear can't come crashing into a situation and make it all better for my cubs. It's not possible for me to protect them from all of life's unkindness. So what's a Mama Bear to do, when her cubs are hurting?

Offer them the only thing she can...the only assurance she has... But take heart! [Jesus] has overcome the world!

As I deliver my "baby" to daycare, I can rest in the peace and assurance that my Jesus is there with my boy, and I can pray God's blessing and protection over him.

When my girl spills out tears and heartache, I can remind her of the Help that she has to lean on and the promises He gives: plans for her, a hope, a future, peace that passes understanding, comfort, and more.

When my young man is unable to experience an opportunity, I can assure him of the equality that will one day come, of the abilities his mind and body will one day have, of how precious he is - today - in the eyes of the One who created him.

Life isn't fair. Thankfully, this life isn't all that we're here for. I just pray that this truth will imbed itself in the hearts of my children...and their Mama.

Why I Want to Respond, not React

Stay tuned for more great posts written by six fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don't forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

Today's guest post is from my real-life American friend, Angela. We met last summer at a conference, and it has definitely been a God-ordained friendship. She is a huge source of encouragement to me, and I love that we get to chat on Skype regularly about what God is doing in our lives. When Ang has something to say, I listen. I trust that the words she shares will speak to you today.
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“Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyy,” she shrieked from upstairs, “There has been a disaster!” 

“What now?” my mind raced as my shoulders tensed even more and my headache returned. My three-year-old just pooped in his pants, I was trying for about half an hour to make dinner, and then a disaster. 

A hose we were using to water some bushes had cracked and water gushed onto our concrete. I ran out into the 110-degree heat and turned the water off. Then I got my son cleaned up, and finally got back to fixing dinner. 

Before my heart had time to settle down, there was another announcement from upstairs. 

“Mom, L threw up.” 

I was at a loss. L was not sick, what could she mean, where did she throw-up? I ran the stairs (I lovingly call my stairs my stair-master, they are why I stay somewhat trim when I don’t work out regularly). I cleaned up the vomit, bathed L, and everyone else while I was at it. While I was cleaning puke and bathing kids the story came out.

L walked upstairs with water in her mouth (no I do not know why, but she often does things that defy my understanding). Her older sister pushed on L’s puffed-out cheeks. However the water didn’t spew out of her mouth. Instead it went to the back of her throat and caused her to vomit. 

As I bathed my child, I realized the ridiculousness of my situation. I am an educated woman, a nurse, a writer, a speaker, a wife, and a mom. Yet I have no control over my child’s bowels, the hose outside, or my children’s choices. I can react with anger and frustration or I can chose to respond in grace. 

When I respond my answers and behaviors are thought out, measured, and filtered through God’s lens. I learn to enjoy the craziness of life instead of cling to how I think things should go. When I respond my children see my love for them instead of my frustration over the situation. In a measured response my children see God’s love pour out of me instead of my sinful nature spewing angry acid. 

My reactions make a stressful situation more stressful. But my responses change a stressful situation to a humorous situation. It is in my responses that my relationship with Jesus intersects my day-to-day life. In my reactions I become a hypocrite only talking about a Christian life instead of living it. 

Let us all fight our reactions and instead respond. Who is with me?

---------------------------------------------------

Angela Mackey lives in the Arkansas River Valley with her husband and three children. She desires to honor God in all she does and says. She writes about faith, learning to let God’s word transform your thinking, parenting, infertility, and anything else that comes to mind. You can connect with her on her blog at Rethinking My Thinking. You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.

Preventing Road-Trip Rage

If you have small children and have attempted to journey any farther than a couple hours in your vehicle, you know the definition of road trip rage.

When will we be there?

Stop looking at me!

Mooooom, she's on my half!

How much longer?

The DVD player's dead!

He's not sharing the markers!

Are we there yet?

Moooooom, he keeps breathing on me!

You try counting... 1 -2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6- 7- 8 - 9 - 10... But all that does is give you more time to think about what to say as you lecture/yell/scowl/threaten the little beings in the back seat (or in my case, back seats).

A couple years ago, we tried something that has forever changed how we approach road trips. (Which is good, because we can't afford to fly seven people next door, let alone anywhere fun. Which means road trips are likely to be our means of transportation for a long, long time.)

We began our road trip by handing each child a roll of quarters in a Ziploc baggie. They were informed that they each had $10 in their hands, and it was theirs to use for buying a souvenir once we reached our destination. They were also informed that we would "match" their $10, ultimately giving each kid $20 for a keepsake (because we all now how far ten bucks goes at Disneyland).

However, they were warned that their souvenir fund would be reduced, one quarter at a time, for bad behavior. I listed some example behaviors that they'd have to pay me for: whining, arguing, disobedience, asking the same question every 10 minutes, etc. For any behavior that was out-of-line, they'd have to pay Mom. With the exception of being unkind to a sibling - then they'd have to pay that sibling.

Within the first hour or two on the road, each kid had probably lost a dollar. But for some of them, that was all they lost.

As I collected more money, I also began discreetly paying out quarters. If I saw kind, unselfish behavior toward a sibling, I slipped a coin into that child's Ziploc baggie.

When we arrived at our destination, one child was able to purchase a memento that cost $20. Another child had to search high and low to find a trinket that cost about $9. The child with $9 whined about the unfairness of it all, until I collected another quarter AND took back one of mine, leaving only $8.50.

Can you believe that a Mini Mouse on a key chain (two inches tall) cost over $8?!

If you don't want to rage while you're on a road trip, try it out! You'll be surprised how easy it is to keep your cool (even when the kids aren't). And if the kids are particularly bratty, that's more money back in your purse. It's win-win.

Want to find other handy tips? Visit Works-for-me Wednesday.

Helping our Kids Experience a Living and Active Relationship with Jesus Christ

Being a parent can often feel like being a referee. Or a cat herder. Or a paramedic. Or a prison warden.

Parenting is a game of reaction. Something happens, then we react. We pray our reactions stop bad behavior, encourage good behavior, and help our children to grow into good and Godly adults.

I've been using this method for years with generally good results. At times, if I think my current reactions aren't getting the above results, I'll experiment with different types of reactions (aka new methods of discipline). Most things I try seem to produce the three results mentioned above.

The other evening, after a long, late-night conversation with one of my children about some stuff that child is struggling with (fitting in, bullying, lying, swearing, over-emotional reactions), I wrote these words:

My children are desperate to experience God as a reality in their lives. They need to see that Jesus works and He can truly help them in life's struggles.

With those words, my parenting goals shifted. I'm no longer solely focused on increasing good behavior and decreasing bad behavior, hoping that we all survive until they reach adulthood. My number one priority as a parent must be helping my kids experience a true and personal relationship with Jesus Christ in their everyday lives.

Sure, I'll still need to react and run interference. Discipline and encouragement cannot be abandoned. But there's a new element that needs to take precedence, and it cannot just be reactionary. I need to turn in my striped referee shirt and whistle for a t-shirt labelled "Coach."

We can't help our children experience Jesus personally with phrases like, "Do you think that Jesus would like the way you're treating your sibling right now?" That makes Jesus look like us - reactionary. We don't want Him to be a "watchdog" over our kids' behaviors; we want Him to be a resident of their hearts.

Teaching Jesus - at a heart level - needs to be proactive, planned, and interactive.

Proactive - Acting in advance rather than reacting.
Planned - Regularly scheduled.
Interactive - A dialogue or conversation rather than a monologue (commonly referred to as a lecture).

Here are three things we're going to try at home to help our children experience the reality of Jesus working in their lives:

1. Learning together. This week we will begin working through the Kids of Integrity curriculum (by Focus on the Family) together. Our first lesson (chosen by the earlier mentioned child) - honesty.

* On a little side-note, KOI is giving away an iPad 2 to those who sign up! Use my link to enter the contest, and you help increase my chances of winning. :)

2. Visioning together. Anyone who has ever led a team knows how much stronger the team becomes if everyone "buys into" the organization's vision. I think the same is true of a family (is there any team more important than family?). So I would like us to develop a family vision, mission statement, values, etc. based in Scripture.

How will this look in practical terms? We'll start with a family meeting, do some brainstorming, and go from there.

3. Following the Holy Spirit together. If I had to name one single thing that grew my faith, it would be the experience of "hearing" the Holy Spirit, listening, and then experiencing the results of that obedience. I want to be more intentional about sharing our obedience with our children, and inviting them to participate in it.

For example, the next time one of my kids wants to give away their favorite toy, I will not suggest they take some time to think about it. Instead, I will praise them for listening to God and help them obey immediately. Or when Pat and I feel led to do something for someone, we'll share the story with the kids over dinner. And when we're in need of provision, and God provides, our whole family will praise the Lord together.

What do you do to help your kids (or the kids you have influence on) experience a living and active relationship with Jesus Christ?

Or, like me, have you been stuck in reaction mode for too long? If so, what is one thing you could begin to do that would take you from reactive to being proactive, planned, and interactive?

Get Out of the Way

This morning, I was emailing back and forth with a friend about some current struggles in my life. Nothing serious, so don't worry, but stuff that needs dealing with.

I shared with her how I try to do the things I feel God has told me to do, but when the results don't seem to be coming I get frustrated and discouraged. I tell myself, "Why bother? Just give up."

Maybe it's not really me saying those words. They sound a lot more like lies from the enemy of my soul. (Hang on while I ponder this light bulb moment.)

Anyway, she wrote some words that I needed to hear:

God can use your obedience better when you obey and stay out of His way.

Obey. Then get out of the way.

Simple yet profound. Another light bulb moment in my day. Her words remind me of the words of one of my mentors, Shannon Ethridge (Author, Speaker, Life Coach, and BLAST mentor)...

Your job is obedience. God's job is results.

I keep getting hung up on results. I see that I don't have any more speaking engagements this year than I had last year, and I feel discouraged. I see that, in spite of a lot of effort with our kids, they still prefer to bicker almost constantly, and I feel frustrated. I see my credit card balance going down, down, down, then back up again, and I feel trapped. I see the number on the scale creep down by 6 lbs only to go back up by 8, and I feel defeated.

The problem with thinking this way is that anything that can be viewed as failure results in feeling discouraged, frustrated, trapped and defeated.

How I needed the reminder today that God is not an all-or-nothing God. He doesn't say, "Give me perfection or just give up." No, He just wants me to keep moving forward in faith. Trusting His promises, obeying His commands, and waiting on Him for the results.

Obey, then get out of the way, so He can do His job.

Sometimes the fruit of that obedience may result in internal change, or have impact for someone else I'll never know about. Those times when He chooses to let me experience successful results in a tangible way are a gift.

My success or failure is not defined by the tangible results. If I obey my Father, that is success.

Maybe some of you are experiencing a similar struggle right now, where you keep on doing what you feel Him asking you to do, but it just doesn't seem to be making a difference. Might I allow my friend's words to encourage you today?

Just obey.
Then get out of the way.
Your job is obedience.
God's job is results.

To Protect or Prepare?

For a number of years, I've been a fairly protective parent. I wouldn't go so far as to say I've been a "helicopter parent," but I've certainly tried to guard my children's innocence.

When they were small and would ask where babies came from, I'd explain that God designed us so that Mommies and Daddies would fall in love, get married, and then make babies because of their love.

I set parameters around their behavior that I felt would help them to learn and understand a Godly definition of morality. For example, I've long had a rule about not wearing clothing that I consider too grown-up for their age (you know, those clothes that are designed to dress up little girls as women).

There are certain books or movies that, on occasion, I've deemed off-limits.

As my children get older, though, I am beginning to see the need to do more than merely protect them. I need to prepare them.

It's not unlike immunizing my kids... I could keep them home to prevent them from ever contracting dangerous diseases like measles, but as they get older they would push back against my protection. If I don't want it to get to that point, I need to make sure they have their shots. That way, when they are ready to head out into the world on their own, I can rest in confidence that I have prepared their bodies to withstand an attack of the measles virus.

I need to prepare them to live out Godly lives in the context of the realities of this fallen world.

You see, as they get older and gain more experience in this world, they're coming home with questions that cannot be answered like their younger baby-making questions.

How can someone have a baby when they're not married?

What does "gay" mean?

What's a step-dad?

My friend's mom just had a baby, but the daddy is different than her daddy. How can that happen?

What's french kissing?

What is a virgin?

What does rape mean?

Of course, I still want to teach them the Biblical standards. I want them to aspire for that in their own lives (and hopefully see it in my life). But I cannot sugar-coat the realities, or when they begin to understand those realities for themselves they will be unprepared to deal with them.

The true preparation lies even deeper, though. I can't simply prepare them for the reality of this world as it compares to God's plan. No, I must teach them how to love others. Others whose moral choices may be completely opposite to ours. And sometimes that feels like a contradiction for us adults, so how can we teach it to our children?

The fact is, people are not won to Christ by being convicted of their sin. Really, in a world where right and wrong is relative - depending on circumstances - people no longer see what is sinful. And if we (Christians) are focused on their sin, we're seen as judgemental and hypocritical. Actually, if we're focusing on the sins of others we are judgemental and hypocritical.

People are won to Christ by feeling loved and accepted. People are won to Christ by seeing that there is "more to life than this" lived out in the lives of Christ-followers.

So the challenge I face as a parent is to teach my children to love people - all people, any people - while still seeking to honor God's commandments in their own lives.

Or, as Mary DeMuth puts it in her book You Can Raise Courageous and Confident Kids: Preparing Your Children for the World they Live In, "...to engage as a family in people's lives in a way that beckons them to Jesus Christ without sacrificing our family to the world system."

Here are some Scriptures I've been pondering as I consider how to prepare my children rather than just protecting them.

James 1:27
1 Corinthians 5:9-10
John 17:14-15
2 Corinthians 1:12


Q4U: What are you doing to prepare your children to live Godly lives in the context of the realities of this fallen world?

TV Makes Your Brains Fall Out

courtesty of cartoonstock.com

In my third year of University, I was thrilled to be enrolled in a course called The Psychology of Media and its Effects on Children's Development. I had no doubts about my ability to get an A in that course. I mean really, we all know that kids who watch too much TV grow up to be sociopaths and serial killers! Right?

At that time, my first born child was a little over a year old. He was in daycare 30-40 hours per week while I went to school. He wasn't all that into TV yet.

Fast forward a few years... I had a five-year-old with special needs, a one-year-old whose constant fussiness had our neighbours concerned, and a newborn. Oh, did I mention post-partum depression? Television became my friend - especially during the dreaded after school dinner-prep hour.

I rolled my eyes at all the idealistic parents who bought into the psychobabble about the dangers of TV and video games.

Fast forward a few more years...

We have a teenager now, and four others younger than him. That teenager has the typical teen response to video games - complete and utter obsession. We cracked jokes about it, and we eventually began limiting his gaming time, but mostly viewed it as a normal teen thing. While the other four kids aren't too heavy into the games, they can vegetate in front of the screen for hours, soaking up episode after episode of Hannah Montana, Suite Life on Deck, and the like.

Due to a long series of incidents and their consequences that aren't worth explaining on thishereblog, we've implemented a couple changes. One is that the TV no longer gets turned on during the school week. The other is that all video games (with the exception of hand-held ones that are kept in my possession) are gone.

Initially, these changes were intended to serve as punishment. And I expected to be punished just as badly as the kids. What in the world would they do?! They would surely make me crazy!!!

Those changes have now become permanent decisions. Not because I think TV is evil. Not because I think it makes kids mean or dumb or violent or lazy. But because I know...that too much time watching TV and playing video games was having an effect on my kids' attitudes. I know that we needed to make a change for the benefit of our family. And I know that this change has had a positive impact on everyone in our family, including the parents.

In University, I was sure I knew it all. As a young mom, I made a total 180 and was still sure I knew it all. In both cases, I was prideful and judgemental. And wrong.

That's what I love about God. He's not content to let us stay the way we are. God knows I'm so much better at serving Him when I'm humble and too busy changing and growing to be looking at what others are doing.

You know what makes your brains fall out? Thinking you know it all, that you've got it right and everyone else has it wrong, and that your way is the only way.

Thankfully, humbling yourself before God, being willing to learn and change, and doing things that other people may not "get" or agree with will help get your brain firmly back in place.


(Thought you might like to know... That "easy A" course? Not so easy at all! In fact, after the midterm I was failing. Turns out we actually had to learn the details of the research, not just the general concept that "TV makes your brains fall out." Don't worry, I pulled it off! *wink*)

Boys and their Toys

My man was raised on a farm. He had all the boy trappings of farm life, including the weaponry. One of Pat's favorite memories of his boyhood is when he received his first .22 as a birthday gift. (He thinks it was his seventh birthday!)

Over the previous few years, he had been collecting G.I. Joe figurines. Every Christmas and birthday, every special treat, every penny directed his way went toward those little army guys. That summer, when Pat got his .22, he hatched a plan only a boy would come up with.

Painstakingly, over the course of many hours, Pat set up his G.I. Joe guys in fighting formation. Once he was finally convinced that everything was just right, he set up... Ready, aim, fire! That .22 blew those figurines to bits! (I don't believe his parents agreed to buy him another toy for the rest of his life.)

Early on in our relationship, I established a firm "no gun" rule. Looking back, I'm not certain what my rationale was besides the fact that guns scared me. I was convinced that, if we allowed our children to play with water guns, they would become violent adults and possibly mass murderers. (Blame it on the psychology degree.)

Have you ever read Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul? It's a book for men, but every woman should read it. Reading that book helped me understand my husband and sons - the way God designed them to be - in a way I never had. I learned that I (and society in general) had been so focused on what good, Christian men "ought to" be like that I hadn't bothered to ask who God created them to be. Men were created to be conquerors, heroes, and adventurers - men in God's own image.

As an early Father's Day/ birthday gift for my husband, I sent him with a debit card attached to a full account (on pay day) and told him to buy that gun he'd always wanted but was never 'allowed' to have. When he arrived home after making his purchase, the man-child sat on the couch next to me admiring his rifle (Or is it a shotgun? Or is that the same?). Ch-chick. Ch-chick. Ch-chick. I've never seen such a grin on his face.

This weekend, after ten whole days of endless waiting, my man headed out with some buddies and their sons for a day of shooting at stuff. The big boys killed hundreds of clay pigeons, while the younger boys fired at a variety of pop bottles and other home-made targets.

My baby was among those younger boys. And instead of being terrified, worried, and (s)motherly as I would have been before reading Wild at Heart, I was excited for Braeden (13) and the adventure he was embarking on.

Look at my firstborn baby! He's growing up so fast...

Who knew you could shoot one-handed?

Taking aim...

Trying out the 9 mm.

Okay, true confession... My mother heart did skip a beat when I
saw the kick-back from this gun. Let's stick to the .22, okay?

Recent questions I've been asked...

I get all the tough questions around here.


Abbey (9) has been reading her Bible. I think she's in Deuteronomy now.
     "Mom, what's a virgin?"

I think she knew the answer, but was testing to see if I would tell her the truth. And if I'd be embarrassed.


Malakai (3) came bursting into the washroom while I was using the facilities. I told him he had to wait or find another bathroom to use.
     "Okay. But next time, can you stand up so we can pee together?"

Thanks Pat, for teaching him that trick! I had fun trying to explain why this was not possible.


And some people think being a stay at home mom is boring! Ha! Never a dull moment around here.

Small Changes can make Big Differences

Ever get just plain overwhelmed with all that life throws your way?

For me, a lot of times, I'm sure this is self-inflicted. I over-commit. I procrastinate. I make poor choices (eating bad foods, staying up too late, etc.) that affect my ability to function effectively.

On those days when I feel the weight of my responsibilities crushing me, I temporarily turn into a crazy lady. Look out everybody, Mama's on a rampage!

The good side of the self-inflicted overwhelmedness (yeah, I made that up) is that there is an end in sight. I know when my duties are done, I can rest. Or I can delegate some duties. I can even quit one area of responsibility. Plus, I have a great support system.

But what about when you don't have support? What if you're in it alone, indefinitely? That's not self-inflicted, and it doesn't have an end in sight. You might be afraid that you are going to permanently be that crazy lady...

Might I suggest a few small changes that will help you tame the crazy lady within?

(Just a little fyi, here, while I can't profess to have ever been in the position of "in it alone, indefinitely," I have spend enough years "in it alone, randomly and without time frames" to make me believe I could be that permanent crazy lady. So that's the place where my advice is coming from. Mkay?)

Small Change #1 - Don't be a Petri.

Have you ever watched The Land Before Time? There's this one dinosaur, Petri, who is always whining and complaining. He's got Poor Petri Syndrome. PPS is the number one contributing factor CLS (Crazy Lady Syndrome).

This small change is probably the most difficult. It's so easy to get into the "poor me" way of thinking. I know, because I do it all. the. time. Try replacing martyr thoughts with other thoughts...

I'm so alone.
I may feel alone right now, but that is a prompt for me to stop and ask God for His help.

This is so hard!
Nothing I do of importance will be easy. This is important, so I need to work hard.

How much can one person do?
I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

This isn't fair!
I don't get it, but God has a plan here. His plan involves my growth. This is an opportunity for me to grow.

I will never be able to change.
I am not responsible for changing. I am responsible for obeying God. Through my obedience, change will come.

Small Change #2 - Commit to getting enough sleep.

I don't know about you, but when I feel lonely and isolated I tend to stay up too late. I spend my time seeking connection online (No, not chat rooms, but on Facebook and reading blogs.). I watch TV until I'm numb and falling asleep on the couch. I lose myself in a book until it tumbles from my sleep-weighted hands.

This change is going to be the easiest to make, with the biggest impact. Plan a set bedtime and a set wake-up time for yourself and just follow through on the plan. Give it two weeks for your body to fall into the rhythm. And take note of how, suddenly, you feel a little bit less crazy during the daily witching hour (this is how I refer to those dreaded few hours between after school and bedtime, when children tend to act possessed).

Small Change #3 - Speak good.

As a former (sometimes current) crazy lady, I will confess to spending much too much energy speaking bad. Words of reprimand and criticism come easily. My tone of voice reeks of anger, frustration, irritation, and impatience. My thoughts are dominated by those same emotions. Anyone else?

Make an intentional effort to speak good over your family. It can be as simple as, "Hey, I love you kid." or "Thanks for taking out the garbage. Your help around here makes a difference."

Start small by speaking good to each person in your home - intentionally - once or twice per day. (I'm not saying limit it to that. What I'm saying is that you are doing it with the mindset that I need to speak good here and now.) I try to do this, on purpose, in the morning and during the dreaded witching hour.

It's funny how just acting the right way can begin to change the attitude.

Small Change #4 - Don't Negotiate with Terrorists.

Kids have this insane radar system that tells them when Mom is tired and stressed. They hone in on it, taking aim, then BOOM! And a pattern develops.

Kid asks. Mom says no. Kid negotiates. Mom says no, a hint of irritation in her voice. Kid whines. Mom says no, a scowl on her face. Kid argues. Mom yells no at the top of her lungs, followed by a shrieking lecture and over-the-top discipline.

Mom feels guilty. Next time kid asks, Mom starts out with no. After more asking, Mom gets worn down and doesn't have the energy to argue or discipline, so she caves.

Repeat.

Repeat this mantra to yourself and your kids, "My no means no." After you say it to your kids, turn and walk away. the conversation/discussion/debate is done. Unfortunately, when you first implement your new policy of not negotiating with terrorists, they will follow you around and hound you. You must be prepared for this inevitability. Say once, "This conversation is over," then do not respond any more. At all. Not once.

So I suggest embarking on this policy at a time when you feel well rested, strong, and momentarily in control of your CLS. And then commit to staying strong for the couple weeks it will take for the crew to accept the new policy. I promise you, your life will be forever impacted after you successfully make this small change!

If you feel overwhelmed, if you are in it alone, and if you feel like a permanent crazy lady, choose one small step today. Just one. Stick with it until it's mastered, until it's part of your daily routine. Then choose another small step. Over time, CLS will become less pervasive in your home. You will notice that the crazy lady is taming. Chances are, as she mellows, the crazy urchins will follow suit.

Small changes. Big differences. I promise.

Kids and Money

It seems like every time we go somewhere, at least one of my kids will ask for something. The most commonly asked question in our family must be, "Can we have a treat?"

I'll confess my responsibility... Used to be that I couldn't walk through a store without getting myself a treat, either. So I was more than happy to fulfill their requests.

Until I realized the amount of money that gets wasted over the course of a month by simply getting little treats a few times per week.

In an effort to change this whole pattern, we decided to try doing allowances with our kids. The idea was that if they have a little bit of their own money to get a treat with, the continual asking will end. Hopefully, this would have the added benefit of teaching our kids some money management skills that we seem to be lacking.

Here's what we've been doing:

- Each child begins by getting the amount of money that's equivalent to their grade level. (So allowance begins in grade 1 with $1 per week.)

- The allowance cap is $3. (Meaning no one will ever receive more than $3 per week.) If you're wondering on the reasoning for this, it's partly that we don't want anyone to have too much money; the purpose really is for a treat or two. As well, once everyone's getting allowance, we'll be paying out $15 per week!

- Prior to putting any spending money in their piggy banks, the kids must first put 10% of their allowance in their tithe jar and another 10%in their savings jar. (The savings jar is not to save up for a big item, but rather to learn the habit of building a savings fund for emergencies. If they want big items, they'll need to save in their piggy banks.)

We've been handing out allowance for about two months now, and I am just not sure it's serving its purpose. The kids are asking for treats less frequently, but they are constantly asking to be taken to the store! And I must admit that it's a bit of a headache to remember to get $8 in change every weekend.

So here's what I want to know...

Do you do allowance? (Or have you ever?)

How much?

Does allowance have to be earned?

Can allowance be lost?

And do you feel that having an allowance is an important part of learning how to manage money?

Someone Lied to me

I have spent the past 13 years (maybe more), believing the greatest lie. I don't know who first told me this lie, but it has been propagated throughout my education, through society, by friends, and more. And I bought into it. Big time.

Someone convinced me that children are basically good. That they want to be good. That they desire to please their parents and teachers. Thus, our job as parents is to "bring out the best in them." According to popular culture, the ideal means for eliciting the goodness of our children is "positive reinforcement." Give them a goal, track incremental successes, and once the goal is attained they earn a prize. While this method works well for toilet training (which is something children actually desire to master), when applied to behavioral difficulties it will fail.

If you have relatively well-behaved children, you are likely gearing  up to post a comment on how well positive reinforcement works in your home. Let me tell you just how blessed you are. Those of us with children who are commonly referred to as "strong willed" do not necessarily share your success.

I was reminded of a truth recently that, I suspect, will forever change my parenting "strategy." We are all sinners who seek to fulfill the desires of our flesh. Every single one of us. Even children. We are not basically good at all! No, we are all basically evil. Even children. Just as we must die to self in order to be more Christ-like, so must our children. Our job as parents is to help them recognize their own sinfulness, to teach them that giving into that sinful nature brings forth dire consequences, and it is only in being self-controlled and God-controlled that we are truly free, content, and joyful.

Here's a quick example...

Imagine that you are a less-than-dedicated employee. You have a tendency to sleep in and arrive late for work. Which consequence is most likely to bring about lasting behavioral change?

Consequence #1 - Your boss draws up a chart to track your progress. Each day you come to work on time you get a gold star. Once you have 100 gold stars, you get a new car!

Consequence #2 - You are written up for your tardiness and your boss tells you that it is unacceptable to show up late. Next time you come in past 9am your boss tells you to pack up your office, then he/she walks away.

In option #1, you are being rewarded for NOT doing the wrong thing. And it will likely work...for a time. Once you've earned that car, though, how long before you are sleeping in again? (You may even begin thinking, "I wonder what I can earn next time?!") Option #2, on the other hand, would be devastating. You would experience all sorts of discomfort in many areas of your life as the result of losing your job. If/when you found a new job, how likely would you be to make promptness a priority?

Now if we are naturally that inclined toward selfishness and laziness, why would we be so foolish as to assume that our children are any better? After all, they too are descendants of Adam and Eve.

I've yet to process my new knowledge and translate it into practical terms for our family. But I have a feeling things are going to become very uncomfortable around here for five little people... With the ultimate goal, of course, being children that are well-behaved and happy. (After all, how many naughty children have you observed that actually appear to be happy?)

Have you ever heard a nugget of truth that completely changed the way you think about parenting? And did it ultimately have an impact on how you DO parenting?

* The example above, and the truths I am discovering, can be credited to John Rosemond and his book The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that REALLY Works.

* Next on my parental reading list is Kevin Leman's Have a New Kid by Friday.

Tough Parenting Moments: When Your Own Kid is the "Problem"

I looked at the unfamiliar number that had been left on the caller ID, puzzled. The gravelly voice in the message was difficult to understand. I listened again. Sighing, I handed the phone to Pat. Words I never thought I'd hear about my own offspring... Your children have been bullying other kids on the bus.

I honestly just wanted to cry. Or maybe pretend I'd never received that particular message; maybe a glitch in the voicemail system. Instead, I decided to step back and let Daddy handle it. They were in the office a long, long time. Every now and then I'd hear a raised voice in frustration, a voice lifted up in self-defence and justification, and tears and sniffles.

Two very solemn children emerged, went to their rooms, and penned letters of apology. Following review and approval of the letters, said children returned to their rooms - Bibles, notebooks, and pens in hand - to talk to God about their behaviour.

Here are the verses the Lord showed them...

Forget about the wrong things people do to you. You must not try to get even. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. ~Leviticus 19:18 (ICB)

Blessed is the one who obeys the law of the Lord. He doesn't follow the advice of evil people. He doesn't make a habit of doing what sinners do. He doesn't join those who make fun of the Lord and his law. Instead, he takes delight in the law of the Lord. He thinks about his law day and night. He is like a tree that is planted near a stream of water. It always bears its fruit at the right time. Its leaves don't dry up. Everything godly people do turns out well. ~Psalm 1:1-3 (NIrV)

Sometimes God is a better parent than I ever could be. It's a shame I don't let Him (and my husband) lead my children more often.

Things Worth Investing In

I spend money on a lot of things. Some are necessary - like food, gas for my Suburban (Which, incidentally, cost me $116 to fill this week! Ack!), and so on. Some are unnecessary but enjoyable - like McDonald's, movie rentals, a cute pair of shoes. Some are important, but often get neglected - such as cosmetic repairs around the house. (Man, do we ever need a new coat of paint on these walls!) The same goes for how I spend my time and efforts. Necessary - housework. Enjoyable - TV. Neglected - writing.

Today I'm thinking of the many things that are worth our investment, but are set aside all too often. Three biggies come to mind...three areas that I want to be sure I'm not neglecting...three relationships that will require both our efforts and our finances if we want them to thrive.

1. Our hubbies (or wives, for the one guy who may actually read here).

Courting keeps our hearts turned toward the one we love. Never stop dating. Date regularly.

No matter how great our relationships are, there is always room for improvement. Be willing to spend the time and money on books, seminars, etc. that will build up the marital bond.

Time away. Together. The only way to truly assure your spouse that he is more important to you than kids, work, ministry, etc. is to be willing to leave all those things behind (for a weekend or a week) and be alone with him.

2. Our families.

One on one time. Want to turn your child's heart toward you, toward God, toward obedience? Show that child how loved he/she is by investing a couple hours in just being together (with no one else).

Learning time. I believe it's impossible to ever learn all that we need to know about parenting. Raising our children to love and honour God takes practice and lots of learning (on our part and theirs). Again, books and seminars will seldom be a waste of time or money.

3. Our friends.

Friendships require time together in order to grow and stay healthy. While some long-distance friendships may stand the test of time, many quietly fade into something that "once was." Evidence that time together matters. Certainly our marriages, families, work, and ministries require a great deal from us, often leaving little in the way of energy, time, or finances. But a failure to invest in our friendships will eventually reveal itself as those relationships drift.

The beauty of friendship is that it is the one relationship where our financial investment doesn't need to be much. While a spouse will likely grow dissatisfied with "home dates" over the coffee table, a girlfriend never does. Time is the key commodity that will keep friends close.

I once heard it said this way... Every 5000 kms or so, we make an appointment (or nowadays pull into a line up) for an oil change. We spend time waiting while the work is done, then we spend money to pay for that work. It isn't always easy to sacrifice either the time or the money for that oil change, but we do it. We do it because we know that investing in regular maintenance on our vehicles will help prevent major breakdowns. (And we all know that major breakdowns take a whole LOT of our time and money!) If we put off this investment too long, something inevitably goes wrong.

Aren't our relationships more valuable than our cars?

Welcome, 2011 - It's Not About Me

I have been blogging here for three full years now. That's three New Year's Days, three years of "resolutions," 1095 + days worth of thoughts, convictions, inspirations, and self-evaluation. To be honest, that much accountability is a little bit terrifying!

Coming into 2008, I resolved to put an end to my Procrastination. No more putting off the things that should be done today, or right now. No more ignoring God and listening only to myself. No more laziness and procrastination. My self-report card: C. There has been definite growth and improvement in some areas, like things that need doing around the house. But there are some things undone today that I know could have been done long ago (ahem, updating my book proposal).

As the calendar page turned for 2009, My New Year's Resolution was captured in a passage from the Word: Psalm 25:4-5. My self-report card: B. It was a big year of spiritual growth, change, hearing from and listening to God.

I declared 2010 to be The Year of Consecration, because if there's anything I want in this life, it's that I will look different, sound different, and BE different...set apart for His high purpose. My self-report card: D. Many of the things I had in mind at the writing of that post are unchanged. Potty mouth - still there; over-emotional - yup, nothing new to report; eating/weight issues - let's not even talk about it; parenting struggles - some good strides made in that department, I think (this is the only reason I didn't give myself an F).

What a relief that I don't have to write myself a report card, because my inner perfectionist can only see how I've fallen short. My inner spirit, though - the Spirit of the One who lives within me - He writes report cards akin to those brought home by Kindergartners. There is no A-F scale, no percentage points, no red ink. His report card gives "E" for effort, "I" for the heart's intentions, and "G" for grace.

As I stand on threshold of a fresh, new start once again, I will resist the urge to base my self-worth of my Kingdom value on my own report card, and instead accept His evaluation of who I am (not what I've done). It is only through His lens of grace that I can possibly imagine, for another year, placing before myself goals and hopes and dreams that I may or may not achieve.

The year of our Lord, two-thousand and eleven, is going to be my year of "It's Not About Me." I want to filter each action, each reaction, every decision, every circumstance through the lens of "How can I bring God glory?"

Here's what I think that may look like, lived out:

An invitation to speak - how can I let God's light shine through my feeble words, so that women will want to know Him better?

A house that needs cleaning (when doesn't it?!) - how can I go about my work as an act of worship and service to Him, so that He can be glorified in my home?

Children that misbehave - instead of plain old discipline "because they need to learn," how can I teach them to desire better behaviour so that they might bring honour and glory to God?

Too busy for a social life - how can I learn to see not only the value I get from taking time for friendship, but how my friendship might be used to bless someone else and offer her encouragement in His Name?

Working on (again) my food/weight/health issues - how do I want to treat my physical body (His temple), not just for me and my well-being, but for His glory and His use?

Bring it on, 2011. Because with Him, I know that I will never be graded lower than a G.

Do you make new year's resolutions or come up with a theme for your year? What's yours for 2011?


Side note: my theme phrase for this year has been borrowed from a Max Lucado book of the same title.

This post has been linked up at my friend Sandy's place - God Speaks Today.

To have eyes of Wonder

I had the pleasure of being parent helper at Kindergarten yesterday. It was a good day to be signed up to help - the kids had chapel, then library, snack, all wrapped up with a carol sing in the gym. I wasn't so much a helper as I was an observer.

During chapel, the grade five class acted out the Christmas story. They had quite a few scene changes, which resulted in some loud chatter from the audience. I caught myself wishing they'd "get on with it, already." But the Kindergarteners' attention did not waver. Their eyes were transfixed on the stage, even during scene changes, soaking it all in.

Oh, that I would come to the greatest story ever told with the eyes and heart of a five-year-old! With a heart of amazement and excitement...

It is a sad thing to realize that you have lost your marvel at the miracles: virgin birth, angels appearing, a guiding star hung in the sky, God in a baby's body, salvation come to earth. Somehow, after years of retelling and hearing, the marvel was lost.

But to hear young Joseph share the words that the angel spoke to him, "All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 'The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel' - which means 'God with us.'" To see that ten-year-old Mary holding her pretend baby, looking upon him with adoring eyes, treasuring these things up in her heart. To watch the wonder in the faces of children to whom the story is not yet familiar...

I felt again the joy of His salvation. I was struck by the plan He fulfilled, detail by detail, to save the world through a God-baby. I, too, treasured these things in my heart.

Father, never let Your story grow old to me. Help me each year (each day) to look at the elaborate plan of Your salvation with amazement and great thankfulness. Remind me to use the eyes of a Kindergartner, so that I will not miss the significance of a familiar story, but will continue to experience it as miraculous.

Has the Christmas story grown old and familiar to you? It had for me, until my eyes were made young again...

A Morning of Character-Building

I sometimes wonder why God saw fit to bless me with five children. Children who I feel utterly unequipped to raise, teach, train, and even love.

It's silly, but at moments like this, I wonder what Beth Moore would have done. Were her girls kind and gentle, always obedient and loving to one another? Maybe. I'm sure there are a few kids out there like that. But if they weren't, if they had sibling rivalry moments - where one child destroys another's artwork, and child two retaliates by kicking in the gut, and when reprimanded the first child is unrepentant and disrespectful to the mother (hypothetically, of course) - how did Beth deal with it?

My discipline strategy this morning was to send child one to the bedroom for half an hour of reflection, to be followed by a letter of apology. Once disrespected, the consequence was doubled to an hour in the room. Child two was sent for a time out and will also be writing a letter of apology.*

Here's the thing... I didn't lose it. No foul words escaped my lips, nothing I will later regret was spoken. While my voice was raised to be heard over the yelling of the disrespectful child, I would not consider what I did to be yelling. Essentially, dealing with this blowout was a victory for me. Yet, I feel far from victorious. Rather, I feel weary. Confused. At a loss.

There are mothers out there who are so good at this. They see it as a challenge and an adventure. Wouldn't one of those mothers be better? Better at this job? Better for these kids?

I know that these feelings and questions are unwarranted. I'm pretty sure that, no matter how Godly she is, Beth Moore probably felt some of these same things. In fact, if I weren't so darn sure that about 99% of mothers struggle to some degree, I wouldn't even dare to write about my own struggles. When I wonder if God made a mistake by entrusting me with the physical, spiritual, and emotional upbringing of five people, I know that I am believing lies whispered by the enemy.

As I push back against the liar, I make room for truth.

I cannot do this job in my own strength. That's why I so desperately need Jesus. With Him, in His strength, I can be a good mother for these children.

God doesn't make mistakes. Each one of those children was soul-matched with me, by the Creator of the Universe, for His good purposes.

Walking where God has called us isn't usually easy to do. Typically, it involves hard work and a high level of dependence on Him to help us.

Sometimes, parenting is less about raising our kids than it is about building our character.

I'm not sure why I wrote this today. I often need to write out life's experiences in order to process them and let them settle in my soul. But I'm also pretty sure I wrote it for you - one of you, two of you, more? Please don't worry about filling the comments with words of encouragement for me (I'm okay :)). But if you needed to hear about my morning, and if the truths God reminded me of are truths you needed to hear, please let me know (either in the comments or by email). Because I want to spend my day praying for you. And hey, feel free to do the same for me! A week off school is enough to undo even the most energetic of mothers.

* In the process of writing this post (which, incidentally, took nearly two hours!) I also asked each child to find a Bible verse that applied to the situation. That verse was not only to be written in the card, but also on an index card for memory work. Child 1 needed a bit of guidance (I pointed to a page and said, "Try reading in here.").

Child #1's verse: Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. It does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.  ~1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Child #2's verse: Jonathan and David became close friends. Jonathan loved David just as he love himself. ~1 Samuel 18:1

P.S. Now that it's all said and done, I am actually feeling a little victorious.