I had the opportunity last night to put my new year's resolution to practice...
Laying in bed, longing for sleep that my mind wouldn't afford me, I looked at the clock. 10:22pm. I asked the Lord to grant me rest, curled up cozy and warm, and lay there fully alert. I knew what He wanted from me. Yet I hoped, I prayed, I begged for sleep, knowing that I was truly exhausted in spite of my current state. I bargained, "Please God, if You just give me this sleep I need tonight, I'll do what You ask tomorrow." 10:38pm, I unfurled from my cocoon, stuck my feet inside my slippers, and headed downstairs.
I wanted to be annoyed. Like one of my children when I ask them to do a chore, I wanted to sigh at the intrusion of my time - of my sleep - and say, "Fine!" Yet before those thoughts were fully formed, His Spirit within me asked a question, "Who is it all about, Tyler?" My spirit replied, "It's not about me."
For many months I have procrastinated and offered excuses. Updating my book proposal from its previous state would be so much work! Upon its first writing, the comparative analysis listed only one other book. I hadn't known any better then, but now, knowing that my research needed to be thorough and comprehensive, I shied away from all that would be required of me.
I say that my struggle with anger and journey to freedom were not intended for me alone, but so that other women can benefit from what I've learned. But did I really live it?
In His grace, God gave me a fresh opportunity to stand behind my words. He reminded me that it's not about me, my desire for a good night's sleep, my wish to avoid hard work, or my own timetable. It's about Him and what I can do for His glory, to draw others nearer to His heart, in His timing.
Once the "send" button was hit to get that updated proposal in the hands of the two people who asked to see it (in August, no less), I hauled my bleary eyes back into bed. I still couldn't sleep. But now it was for the excitement of knowing that I had been obedient, and the anticipation of how He might choose to use my mess for His glory in the lives of other women!
Five thirty (ahem, more like 5:45) came far too early this morning, but with a couple Advil, a good dose of caffeine, and an hour in bed this afternoon, I'm sure I'll make it through. ;)