Reflections on Obedience

As I begin my third week of fasting from fast food/junk food/processed food, I carry a bag of mixed emotions. The first week was surprisingly easy, the second more difficult than I had ever imagined, so what will week three bring?

In some ways, I feel as though I'm not depriving myself enough. Most days I feel full from feasting on veggies. Last night I had margarine on a bowl of popcorn. I am following the Canada Food Guide, which is what I believe the Lord asked of me, but I sometimes wonder if I'm not suffering enough for His name.

In my heart, I had committed to praying for two specific things whenever I was struggling with thinking about food. I envisioned myself on my knees for long stretches of time each day. But I am finding that when a craving for junk overwhelms me, I cry out for help and pray a quick prayer for each of those two things, and I move on.

Guilt. That's what I'm feeling. Why?

I absolutely believe I have been obedient these last two weeks. If a food crosses my path that I'm unsure of, I ask God before I touch it. He's told me both yes and no several times. I am fully committed to this fast, and thoughts of "cheating" in any way are momentary and fleeting - because I know the harm my disobedience could have to our relationship.

This morning, though, and virtually every morning for the past month, I have been pressing the snooze button on my alarm - repeatedly. Some days I still manage to be up before the kids and get some quiet time in, but many days I have been offering an abbreviated prayer and a quick glance in the Word before the distractions of my day take over my mind. Yet I know that the Lord called me to be up at 5:30am with Him every day. I've been putting off my daily time for my daily bread.

I haven't done any writing on my book since She Speaks - just the revisions I needed to make to my proposal in order to email it in. I believe that God showed me some "margin" in my life that I could be using to write a couple times per week, but I have instead been using those few hours each week to mindlessly surf on facebook or read a novel. I've been delaying in taking the next step in my writing.

If I went on to list all the areas in my life that Jesus has called me to make changes in - things that I have been putting off - blogger would probably cut my post off halfway through! I recently read that delayed obedience is disobedience. So though I am being obedient in this one thing, with so many other areas of disobedience in my life, no wonder I feel guilty. As much as I'd like to believe it, giving part of my life to Jesus just isn't enough for Him.

Even as I write this, I feel my heart going astray... I think to myself, in September, once school's started, I will get obedient in all these things. More delay. What a mess I am!

On a side note, a number of people have asked if I am seeing results from this fast...

I think that my pants are buttoning a little easier. There is still a big muffin top spilling over, but the tightness of the waist is not causing pain or discomfort. Then again, I think most of my pants are on day 2 or 3 of wear; the true test will be freshly laundered jeans. I'm still experiencing some of the unpleasant symptoms of being overweight, though, such as back aches and heartburn. As for weight, I have no idea. God was pretty clear with me that I was prone to take my motivation (and discouragement) from the numbers on the scale. But He wants His pleasure at my obedience to be my only motivator. So my scale and I are "on a break" from each other for these 40 days. How's that for a complete non-answer?!