I Was Feeding My Pain

Today is day nine. I am almost one quarter of the way through my junk food/ processed food fast. To be perfectly honest with you, up until yesterday it wasn't all that difficult. I am not saying it has been easy, just not quite the struggle I had anticipated.

You did catch the phrase "until yesterday," didn't you?

You know those difficult days where nothing seems to go right? Well, yesterday the kids were crabby and bickering all day long (even when I took them to the playground it was, whine, whine, whine), I had five mountains of laundry to put away, and it seemed as though there was nothing for me to eat in the house. I worked my way through, moment-by-moment, asking God to give me the grace to keep moving forward and the strength to resist temptation.

At supper time, I needed to head out for an appointment. But before I left, Pat and I had a little disagreement. It wasn't anything major, but just enough to bring my sensitive feelings right up to the surface. As I drove to my appointment, I had a little dialogue going in my head...

I should just pull into McDonald's and get a cheeseburger, fries, and a vanilla shake. That will make it all feel better. No, I can't do that! Maybe just a glass of wine later one - that will soothe the little ache in my heart. No, I won't do that! But I resisted all day when things were sooooo hard and the kids were really terrible, I just need a little something yummy to fix everything.

In that moment, God revealed to me why He has me on this fast. When I hurt, feel frustrated, feel angry, get stressed, or experience any other negative emotion - I feed my body and stuff the emotion. The more delicious junk I stuff down into my belly, the deeper those chokey, achy feelings get pushed, and the less I have to feel them. This pattern has been around for so long that I didn't even realize I was doing it.

As I continued driving I wept. I wept for how badly my heart was aching over a silly little spat and how ridiculous that was! Then I wept because I hadn't felt hurt like that in my chest and gut for so long I couldn't remember it. I wept for who I am - a girl with powerful emotions - and the fact that I have denied myself and the way God created me for so long. I wept for how I had loved my food so much more than my Jesus these past couple of years.

I cried out to God and I thanked Him - for making me who I am, for bringing me to life again, and because I was trusting Him to carry me through the overwhelming wave of heartache (and quickly, as I was now only a block away from my appointment).

In His strength, over these remaining 31 days, I plan to re-learn how to feel, taking those feelings to my Jesus as an offering of love and sacrifice, trusting Him to soothe all that aches within me. I will feed my body fuel so that it can function, and trust Him to feed my soul.

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty [days], to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your father had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ~Deuteronomy 8:2-3