Turning Adversity into Pearls

Stay tuned for some great posts written by eight fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don't forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

My Auntie Lori, Grandma, Mom, and Auntie Lucille (aka Tante).

This is a guest post written by my Tante (not sure if I spelled it correctly, but that's German for Auntie), Lucille. I have watched her faith since I was a young girl, and dreamed of having the close relationship with God that she has.

One of my favorite memories is from a time I stayed with her and my Uncle Barry for the summer... I had a question to ask and couldn't find her anywhere. Eventually, I discovered her in her en-suite bathroom. She was on the floor in there, little book in hand, praying over all the needs she had recorded.

As a couple, my Aunt and Uncle have taken it upon themselves to invest in the lives of each of their nieces and nephews. I can't count the number of years they took me (and my other cousins) along to Family Camp. And though their Family Camp has shut down, they still take my younger cousins out camping every year! They never "pushed" religion on us, but just let us experience Jesus through the quiet and faithful routine of their lives.

I pray that her steadfast faith will speak into your life today, as you read these words. (Excerpted from a talk she gave at a women's event.)
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On May 21^st, 2010 my husband had 18” of his bowel removed. August 10^th, as I began preparing for the Alliance Women’s Kick Off, was the first day of my husband’s chemo for colon cancer.   

About 4 years ago, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, resulting in a prostectomy. However, his PSA levels continued to increase, so, next on the medical agenda were 35 treatments of radiation.

Now, we are excited about this new cancer! Why? Because it is not a metastasized cancer! That would mean his original cancer was spreading, and since this is not the case, and this is a new one we are excited! The prostate cancer will have to take a back seat until the chemo is finished.

Once done chemo, Barry will again be facing treatment for his prostate cancer…hormone therapy. Oh joy!  I’m not sure my ego can handle it if he gets bigger breasts than me!   

Adversity Happens

Adversity, we all have it. It actually is the natural state of our fallen world. Jesus himself said, “In this world you will have trouble.”  

I like words and definitions, so here is the definition of adversity: 

1. misfortune: hardship and suffering, or 

2. adverse happening: an extremely unfavourable experience or event

Often we look around at others and think, "Wow, their life is easy and great. They have it made. No one has gone through the adversity I’m going through." Not so! 

So, when you look at me and other women, I hope you will see just another woman who has had a variety of struggles…some just happen…like  cancer…others might be self inflicted because of poor decision making or reacting in the natural…others might be done to you by someone with evil intent.  

I want to tell you about a few of my adversities, not to dwell on them, but to show you what God was doing in the midst of them.

Ø     Raised in an angry home where I felt unloved…propelling me into a negative search for love

Ø     Married young because I was looking for love

Ø     Divorced right after the birth of my son because of my 1^st husband’s unfaithfulness

Ø     Single parenthood and the accompanying low income problems

Ø     Trying to expel my adversity and searching for relief from the pain and anger through drugs, drinking, and more bad relationships

Ø     Anger and emotional pain

Ø     Wanting to be dead

Ok, I’ll stop there for a minute. Can you see how most of this resulted from reacting in the natural, kind of like a wounded animal might...just trying to get away from the pain....but in a way, self inflicted as well? Nothing really beautiful developing there! 

God uses our Adversity

But, that’s when God delights to step in and do the GREAT REVERSAL, transforming brokenness to beauty. 

He uses our adversity to make us desperate, desperate enough to search for answers. And to show us how futile our own answers are. I finally turned my broken hearted mess over to Him, and what an amazing thing He did. He restored me, healed me, gave me hope.

Psalm 40:2 became my special message from God.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
       out of the mud and mire;
       he set my feet on a rock
       and gave me a firm place to stand.

 ³ He put a new song in my mouth,
       a hymn of praise to our God.
       Many will see and fear
       and put their trust in the LORD.

Pearls from Adversity

Reminds me of an oyster. An oyster is kind of a slimy looking creature and lives in the depths of the sea…probably a rather dark and murky bottom.  But, what does the oyster create? Again, a GREAT REVERSAL...a pearl.   

­The formation of a natural pearl begins when a foreign substance slips into the oyster shell, and irritates it. It's kind of like the oyster getting a splinter. The oyster's natural reaction is to cover up that irritant to protect itself. So, the oyster covers the irritant with layers of a substance called nacre. Eventually, layer by microscopic layer, a pearl is formed -- a thing of great beauty and much valued. None perfect...each one different. But, A PEARL OF GREAT WORTH! 

So, much like the oyster and pearl, God covers our irritants or adversities with Himself, to protect us and change us into His Pearl Girls.  ow, I have to admit I plagiarized that name, but I just loved the name when I came across it…it has that touch of whimsy…I just had to use it ( http://margaretmcsweeney.com/ ).   want to be a Pearl Girl! A PEARL OF GREAT WORTH!

to be continued...

And they're off!

We're getting ready to go. All my lists are in front of me.

To do
Packing for me
Packing for kids
Last minute errands

Along the way, I'll try to snap some pictures of the Rowan family wreaking havoc across the Canadian prairies. If you want to see bits and pieces of the gong show fun, keep your eyes on my Facebook page.

While I'm away, I have a bunch of fabulous guest posts to share with you, written by eight amazing women - both bloggers and non-bloggers. Please help me show appreciation to them by leaving lots of comment love.

See you soon! (Sooner if you visit my FB page and click "like." *wink*)

Just a Mom, Q & A - installment 3 (the end)

I think we've milked about all we can out of this Just a Mom series, don't you? {grin}

Hey, before I tackle today's question I just want to send you back over to yesterday's post. There were a couple super questions posted in the comment that I attempted to answer (somewhat briefly) right in the comments section.

Frieda (that's my mom), asked this question...

I really liked Day 4 and 5 - and here's my question: How do you know when it's time to move on?

I have lead Bible study now for 5 or so years but it really was more because I took a leap and just did it, versus feeling called to it. I do think it was affirmed as a calling because God totally equipped and led me. However, over the last couple of years God has repeatedly called up others to lead (not necessarily to take over my areas of administration) but it does make me ask, "Is it time to move on? Is God equipping others?"

I don't have a sense that I'm being told to move...but it does make me wonder. So how do I know?

This is probably the toughest question to answer, because your calling (and your moving on) is so very personal between you and God.

Change is inevitable.

I don't think there are many of us who are called to a lifetime of service in one ministry area. Even folks who look like they've done one thing their whole lives (Billy Graham, for example) have seasons in their ministry. They may do the same thing (such as preaching), but feel called to reach out to different groups as time changes. Even those who know they've been called to be Pastors move on eventually, to the next church family that God calls them to.

Sometimes God closes a door.

Sometimes, God does dramatic things to move us from where we are in ministry to the next step. For example, when it was time for me to move on from women's ministry... I'll be honest, I had a sense that He was preparing me to let go for over a year. But I was arguing with Him. He knew I was attached and invested, so He need to do something big to move me (literally) onto the next thing.

Sometimes God opens a window.

Sometimes, God puts new opportunities in our paths to show us that He is calling us onward. He doesn't always clearly tell us, "Time to quit this. Let go. Move on." But you may find yourself noticing new possibilities; little things that grab your interest. It very well could be that God is giving you tiny, gentle nudges in a new direction.

Sometimes God leaves it up to you.

I also really believe that, for many of us, there is no "one thing." It's more like "anything." Take, for example, when someone has a job opportunity and they need to choose between two great jobs. He prays and prays, but doesn't get a clear sense of which job God wants him to take. Could be that God is telling him, "It doesn't matter which job you take, as long as you serve Me with your whole heart wherever you work."

Sometimes, you just "know."

There are times, though, when it's time to move on even though you don't really have any of the indicators. God isn't closing any doors, He's not opening any windows, and there are no options for you to choose from. There seems to be nothing new for you to do, but you have an unsettled spirit.

I have a friend who felt unsettled in her job. She felt that she was supposed to free herself up for other ministry opportunities. She bravely gave notice to her employer, not knowing what was next. There was nothing wrong at her work, and no new opportunities were in front of her, but she just knew.

I've been asked before, "How do you know when you're done having babies? How can you be sure that this is the last one?" When I answer those women, I always reply, "The fact that you're asking and not sure tells me that you're not done. Not yet." {and then I wink at her} But I also suggest to her that the way she's thinking could be indicative that her heart is being prepared to be done soon.

So I think... You're not done yet, because you're not sure and you haven't heard a clear directive from God to move on. But your heart is being prepared for that inevitability. And when it's time, you'll know.

Just a Mom, Q & A - installment 2

I received a question for the Just a Mom series via my Facebook page...

I agree with the things in this series......a lot of it has echoed what God has been teaching me.

Once you embrace being more than just a mom, how do you make sure you don't cross over into becoming neglectful of your family? I know moms who are so busy doing good things they love, but their family, no their husbands, suffer. He's the one who ends up being just a dad who works.

Wow, what a great question! To be honest, I'm not sure I'm the best person to answer this question. Remember, I'm an over-committer. But I'll give it a shot.

As a chronic over-committer, I've come to learn a few things about taking on too much. Generally, I can detect the warning signs and slow down before it hits crisis point. Sometimes...not.

Warning Signs:

1. You're a "yes" woman.

Does it pain you to tell someone, "No, I'm sorry. I can't help out with that."??? If you were to measure your response ratio, do the "yes"es outweigh the "no"s? Do you find yourself constantly worrying about letting someone down?

2. You're frozen.

You know that feeling when  you have so much to do that you just don't know where to start? So you do nothing (except maybe mindlessly surf Facebook)? Yeah, that usually means you've got too much on your plate.

3. You're crabby.

Sometimes crabby just means overtired or PMS. But sometimes it can mean too busy. If crabby happens and you catch yourself saying, "I'm never going to get all this done!" it's the second reason.

4. You're told.

Has someone from your inner circle recently told you that you're too busy? Has someone you loved complained that you're too busy? Has your husband been inexplicably grumpy with you, especially when you're leaving the house?

An Ounce of Prevention:

A. Learn to be a "no" woman.

Your default response should be "no." Or at the very least, "Let me take some time to think and pray about it."

Remember that you are not responsible for meeting everyone's needs - you are responsible for meeting your family's needs and for obeying God. And if you agree to do everything, you may actually be stealing someone else's blessing. That's right, because by taking on things you're not called to you are essentially stepping into a calling that belongs to someone else. Stealing from them the blessing of serving.

B. Submit to your husband.

Ouch! That one pinches a bit, doesn't it? God gave your husband the overwhelming responsibility of leading your family. God asked you to be his helper. If your man needs more help, asks for more help, or shows signs that he's feeling overloaded - that's your #1 calling.

I try not to agree to taking on new things without talking to Pat first. (If I'm honest, sometimes I say yes and ask later. But when I do so, I try to start out with an apology for not talking to him first.) If your husband is a part of the decision-making, he's more likely to feel supportive of the things you're taking on.

C. Be in tune with the Spirit.

This is the ultimate way of assuring that you don't take on too much. Being in tune with the Spirit works two ways.

First, the Holy Spirit guides our paths (Proverbs 3:6) and tells us whether to turn to the right or the left (Isaiah 30:21). That way, we sense Him leading us toward a "yes" for certain things.

Second, the Holy Spirit gives us strength (Philippians 4:13), so that when it might seem we have a lot going on - as long as they are things ordained by Him - He can keep us moving forward.

A Pound of Cure:

Though you didn't ask this question, I'm sure you were thinking it (I know I would be)...

What should I do or say if I see a friend who has become too busy and is neglecting her family?

I. Pray.

I know it "feels" like doing nothing, but prayer is the absolute most important thing you can ever do for anyone.

II. Speak the truth in love.

If the right opportunity arises, and if your friendship is such that you can do so without causing permanent damage, and if you have a definite sense that God is nudging you to do so - speak the truth in love.

Love, grace, and understanding must permeate the whole conversation, or your words will fall on deaf ears and a hard heart.

III. Help.

Sure, her busy-ness is of her own making, as are the consequences. But true friends don't judge the motives of others to determine whether or not we should help. True friends help regardless of the motives, decisions, and consequences.

IV. Know when to step away.

True friends try and try beyond the point of exhaustion. But wise women also know when it's time to step back, remove yourself from a situation (or even a relationship), and leave things in God's hands.

You are not responsible for saving her family. You are only responsible to do the things God has called you to do for her and her family. Sometimes, we need to get out of God's way. Sometimes, He isn't able to do the work He needs to in a person's heart until they are alone with only Him for help.

Are you at risk of being "too busy?" Or do you see it in someone you love?

Related Posts:
When You Want to Help Everyone
When You Don't Agree with Your Husband
For the Overworked and Overwhelmed Woman, part one
For the Overworked and Overwhelmed Woman, part two

Just a Mom - Q & A, installment 1

Let me take a moment to re-introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Tyler. I'm a chronic over-committer.

You see, my girls are getting ready to go to camp. I'm getting ready for a family vacation. I've got shopping and packing to do, articles to write, errands to run, and kids to keep alive. So it's kinda not a good week for my first venture into vlogging.

I know, excuses, excuses. You should actually thank me, though. It's a really bad (read: gross, greasy, unshowered) hair day today. You didn't want to see that on video.

I will, however, answer some questions for you.

The first question I’ll answer in my Just a Mom series was left by Jen (aka Daddy’s Girl):

I have enjoyed reading this series Tyler, but I guess at this point in life, I am super hungry for how your advice ties into Scripture…

Thanks for asking, Jen!

I try to be cautious in my writing, that I’m not saying anything that is not backed up in Scripture. But I don’t always include those Scripture references in my blog posts.

There are a few reasons for this:
- Sometimes inserting a Biblical reference just won’t fit with the tone and style of the writing.
- Sometimes it’s a word count issue.
- If I’m totally honest, there are times I’m either too rushed or too lazy. (Just keepin' it real, people.)
- But most often it’s because I hope that you will be intrigued and pull out your Bible to see if it backs up what I’m saying.

I want to encourage you to continually check what you hear against the Word of God. Never, ever take anything any teacher tells you at face value! (Not even what I say.) If you want your relationship with God to be personal, you need to ask Him to speak to you personally by giving revelation from His Word.

First, I’ll share with you the particular passage that inspired this whole series. Then, I’ll give you a list of passages to look up on your own.

My favourite verse, the one that has motivated me to serve God beyond my role as a mother, is a clear, Biblical command to women:

Titus 2:3-5 (NLT) says, “Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.”

While there are some clear directions to us women about how we should live our lives, I don't believe that is the intended focus of this passage. Rather, the key point is the fact that the older women are supposed to train the younger women.

As a young mother, I was tempted to brush off this passage as “not applicable” to me. I was the younger woman. (Heck, I’m still pretty young! Right?) Maybe you’re like me, thinking that this passage doesn’t apply. However, there is always a woman younger than you. She could be physically younger, spiritually younger, or in a younger stage of family-raising.

In other words, you are the older woman!

Your job, as the older woman, is to pass along the things that you learn. And not just the things about raising kids, keeping the house, and being a good wife. It says “teach what is good, to live wisely, to be pure, to do good.”

When I look up the word “good” in Strong’s concordance, I see that the Greek word is agathos. Agathos means: of good constitution or nature; useful, salutary; good, pleasant, agreeable, joyful, happy; excellent, distinguished; upright, honorable.

This same word – agathos – is paired with the word “do” and/or the word “works” throughout the New Testament. Some examples are:

- Matthew 19:16-17
- Galatians 6:10
- Ephesians 2:10
- Colossians 1:10
- 1 Timothy 2:10 and 5:10 (which, incidentally, are verses directed toward women)
- 2 Timothy 2:21 and 3:17
- Titus 3:1
- Hebrews 13:21
- 1 Peter 3:10-11

All that to say… We – women – are commanded to do good works, aka service or ministry, in addition to being keepers of the home, Godly wives, and loving mothers.

Now I’ll give you a few Scripture references to search out on your own. And I’d like to suggest that you look each passage up in a few different translations of the Bible. Some words lose their meaning in translation, but reading them in a different translation may provide you with a greater understanding of their meaning.

1. You were created to serve – Jeremiah 1:5 (NCV).
2. You were saved so that you could serve – 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)
3. You belong to God, therefore you should serve – Romans 7:4 (TEV)
4. You were gifted by God so that you would contribute your unique gifts in service. Your contribution is vital. – 1 Corinthians 12:4-27 (NIV)

Just a Mom, part six - Q & A

A curious thing has happened this week, as each post for this series went up... My stats counter tells me that you're reading the posts; in fact, that more people than usual are reading. Yet the comments are barren.

What does that mean?! Do you disagree with me, but don't want to tell me? (Of course, my mind goes straight to the negative! lol)

Really, though, I want to know... Has this series raised any questions? Anything I can help with? Anything you'd like me to clarify? A specific situation you'd like some suggestions for? A point you'd like to raise for some healthy debate discussion?

Today, I need your comments. Without them, I'll be left with nothing to post next week. Then I'll have to think. And that can be a dangerous thing over summer vacation. So help a sister out!

Fill up these comments with your Qs so I can A them (via video) next week!

Part one - it's okay to want more
Part two - 5 key principles for getting started
Part three - practical tips for getting out of the slump
Part four - it's not about you
Part five - finding your calling

Just a Mom, part five - Finding Your Calling

Part one - it's okay to want more

Part two - 5 key principles for getting started

Part three - practical tips for getting out of the slump

Part four - it's not about you

Today - finding your calling

Tomorrow - q & a (to be answered via video next week)
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Let me start by asking you a question. Do you know what it is that God is calling you to do for His Kingdom?

If you don't, or if you're not sure, may I suggest four questions to ask yourself that will help you figure it out?

1. What am I good at that I also enjoy doing?

Seriously, it begins as simply as that! Ask yourself what you do well and also love to do.

As moms, we sometimes lose sight of our other skills and abilities. You may need to think back a ways to something you used to do that brought you pleasure.

Before kids, were you artistic, painting or creating things of beauty? Do you miss it? Is it possible that you could create art as a means of bringing God glory and sharing His love with others?

Before kids, did you have plans of being a social worker, helping families heal and repair? Do you miss it? Is there a way that you can help families now, even if you're not working in the social work field?

Another possibility is that you can't think of anything that gave you great pleasure until you became a mom. Perhaps you are absolutely gifted as a mother or a homemaker, and you find your joy in creating a beautiful home and teaching your children. Can I ask you, then, why you're keeping those skills to yourself? There are millions of us out there who are desperate for a patient mom to mentor us in the fine art of discipline, for example. How can you use your mothering skills to help others for His glory?

2. What am I passionate about?

Is there a certain topic that, when it comes up in conversation, you are utterly unable to resist voicing your opinion? Do you worry that you come across too strongly, simply because you feel so passionately about it?

Some examples... When teen sexuality comes up, do you go wild about the importance of teaching abstinence? If folks are talking politics and it turns to foreign aid, do you lose yourself in ideas of how to help impoverished countries? Are you gripped by the plight of a certain people group - either at home (homeless, abused, drug addicts...) or abroad (the Delits in India, the restavecs in Haiti, the child prostitutes in Thailand)?

Whatever puts a fire in your belly is probably related to your calling. Maybe you can't fly over to Amsterdam and hand out tracts to the drug dealers, but if you're passionate about it you can do something. Learn all you can, educate others, raise funds, send funds, PRAY.

3. What are my spiritual gifts?

Spiritual gifts are special gifts give by the Holy Spirit to believers when they accept Christ. These gifts don't necessarily manifest themselves immediately, though. Sometimes they take years to develop and grow in you.

There are a lot of gifts (I can't give you definite number), but some include: hospitality, healing, prophecy, administration, leadership, speaking in tongues, interpreting tongues, giving, music, writing, encouragement.

If you feel clueless about your spiritual gifts, I suggest taking a survey to help you get a clearer picture. Two of my favorites are: Finding Your Spiritual Gifts (a printed inventory by C. Peter Wagner) and Spiritual Gifts Test (an online tool).

4. What difficult things have I experienced in life?

You didn't think those hard things in life happened for no reason, did you? No way! We walk through hardship for two reasons: our own spiritual growth and to offer hope and encouragement to others.

When you've suffered the loss of a child, who brought you the most comfort? Likely someone else who had experienced the same thing. Depression? Abuse? Divorce? Teen pregnancy? Ask yourself which of your life experiences may have happened so that you could minister to others.

The hard part is being willing to share openly, so ask God for the courage to share what He wants you to and the wisdom to know how much or little to reveal for each situation.

After you've answered these four questions for yourself, you should have an idea of where God is calling you to serve. If you're still feeling clueless, just jump in and try something! Sometimes you don't know what you're good at until you've experienced it.

I once said those words to my mom, so she decided to try leading a women's Bible study. She's been doing it for at least five years now, leading one group and assisting three or four other leaders as they also facilitate groups!

On a final note, I also want to encourage you to re-evaluate periodically. Maybe every 3 years or so. While your spiritual gifts will never change, over time you may find certain gifts developing more strongly. And though we're all called and commissioned to bring the message of Christ to the ends of the earth, our individual specific roles in that commission may change over time. Sometimes a calling is for but a season...

In 2003, I wrote that I felt called to minister to young women and teens experiencing unplanned pregnancy. I served in various capacities at our local Pregnancy Care Centre for a number of years. More recently, I wrote that I feel called to be an encourager of women, drawing them into a deeper relationship with Christ using my gifts in writing, speaking, and mentoring. Pretty big shift, eh?

So tell me, do you know what you're called to do for this season of your life? If not, what steps are you going to take to figure it out?

Just a Mom, part four - It's Not About You

Part One - it's okay to want more

Part Two - 5 key principles to getting started

Part Three - practical tips for getting out of the slump

Today - it's not about you

Tomorrow - finding your calling

That feeling of wanting more than being just a mom was put in you by the One who created you. But He didn't place that longing inside your spirit for you; He put it there for Him.

You were created to serve God with your life. Each and every one of us was. Yes, everyone. Not just the Christians.

If you're not a Christ-follower, just consider this for a moment... Have you ever asked yourself what the purpose of life is? Have you ever wondered why you're here? Have you ever felt like there's more to it? Like something is missing? Just a little fyi, sweet friends, that empty hole was left in you by the God who created you, and it will only ever feel full and complete and satisfied once you know Him and serve Him.

If you are a Jesus girl, but you still feel that achy emptiness, might I suggest that you've only got one piece of the satisfaction formula? Fulfillment comes from both knowing Him and serving Him.

We are healed to help others. We are blessed to be a blessing. We are saved to serve. (Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here For?, pp. 229)

Warren describes two different ways of serving God, and says that each of us has both: a ministry and a mission.

Your ministry is simply serving others. Ministry is asking, "Whose needs can I meet?" and then meeting them.

Your mission is your specific, unique, God-given way of serving. Your mission is the combination of your skills, abilities, gifts, talents and personality with the people group that you have a love and a passion for.

For example, when I "do ministry" it may look like: delivering a meal to a new mom, offering to watch a friend's little ones, joining the women's ministry team in our church, signing up for a Sunday of helping in Sunday school, turning my husband's socks right-side-out when I do laundry (I assure you, that is ministry).

When I think of my mission - the specific thing God created me to do - I see women. A sea of beautiful faces, looking for hope and encouragement, desperate to experience the reality of Jesus in their everyday lives.

Too often, we make excuses to avoid being stretched. We don't want to be too busy (and most of us already feel too busy in filling our roles at home), to deal with the challenges of childcare, to try something new and fail... So we say things like, "I'll start serving at the church when my children are a bit older," or "I would have like to help that person out, but I just can't afford it right now," or "For this season, I need to put all my focus on my children."

Here's what God's Word says on the matter:

Now you belong to Him...in order that we might be useful in the service of God.
Romans 7:4 (TEV)

Because of God's great mercy...Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to His service.
Romans 12:1 (TEV)

Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve and to give My life.
Matthew 20:28 (LB)

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of making excuses.

What's holding you back from serving God?

Head's up! On Friday, I'm going to be asking for your questions. What haven't I addressed in this series? Is there something you want me to elaborate on? Are you looking for more practical tips? Fill up my comments with your questions! I aim to answer them next week via video.

Just a Mom, part three - Practical Tips for Getting Out of the Slump

Part One - it's okay to want more

Part Two - 5 key principles to getting started

Us moms are not often known for our busy social lives. In fact, once we have children, many of us abandon all attempts at a social life. It feels too impossible to get out for the necessities (like grocery shopping), let alone for our own pleasure.

Those of us who get all cooped up, though, discover a few truths. First, being a socially isolated mom is lonely. Second, being a socially isolated mom is hard on our husbands. Third, we were made for community; there is something within us that craves fellowship.

If you are weary of feeling like "just a mom" and desperate to get out and get connected, here are a few things you can try that will help you get out and about:

1. Make friends with other moms.

Nothing is more enjoyable and chaotic than a visit over coffee and the cacophony of children playing together. So next time you spend even a few minutes chatting with another mom and you think to yourself, "I think I like her," just invite her over.

And please, do yourself (and her) a favor by not cleaning your house before she comes over. She will be more comfortable if you're real from the get-go. Why waste time pretending? Just be the real you in your real house with your real children.

2. Help out your mom friends.

Hear a friend mention she's got a doctor's appointment later in the week? Offer to babysit for her! (I know, you're wondering, "How in the world can I add two more children to my day?! I can barely survive with this one!") Here's the deal, though. In order to have good girlfriends, you need to be a good girlfriend. A few busy hours could result in both a lifelong friendship and a girlfriend who offers to watch your kids.

3. Hire a sitter.

I know how tight finances can be after a new baby arrives. And I know it's not easy to leave your precious little one in the hands of a teenager. But you need to do this! Here's why:

- If you take your time with a new sitter, teaching her how you want things done and letting her get to know your child(ren), you will have someone you know and trust to babysit.
- If you never take time away from your little ones, they will object (painfully, dramatically, and loudly) at the age of two and a half when you try to leave.
- If you and your hubby don't leave the house for dates every now and then, he will begin to feel like he's playing second fiddle to the kids.

If there are no creative ways for you to set aside funds for a sitter, go back to #2 and try doing a childcare swap with a friend.

4. Boss your feelings around.

Sometimes, us moms feel guilty for enjoying time away from our kids. We see other mommies who can't bear to be apart from their progeny, and we think perhaps something is wrong with us for not missing them. Can I tell you something about those mommies? They are either: 1. lying, or 2. unhealthily attached.

It is not healthy for mother or child to never experience periods of separation. It can be damaging to your marriage and it totally ties your identity to your child(ren). But that is not who you are! Who you are is:

- a child of God
- a daughter of the King
- a princess and heir in the most royal of families
- a woman with a calling (only part of which is being a mother)
- a woman with needs, dreams, and desires
- a women created by God to have needs, dreams, and desires

So if you feel guilty for leaving the kids, tell your guilt to take a hike. If you feel guilty for wanting and enjoying time away from the kids, give your guilt the boot. The enemy is called the accuser for a reason - he twists everything into an accusation, hoping to cause feelings of guilt, and expecting us to let those feelings dictate our actions.

But you've got victory on your side! Resist the devil (and his accusations) and he will flee!

It is okay for you to want more. In fact, God designed you to want more. He created you in His own image; He created you for fellowship and companionship and relationship. Yes, He created you to mother children, too. But not at the exclusion of all else.

There's one more facet to address in this series - ministry (or service) as a mom. We'll tackle that one tomorrow.

So hey, do you struggle with feelings of guilt when it comes to taking time away from the kids? How do you deal with it?

Just a Mom, part two - 5 Key Principles to Getting Started

Last week I shared some thoughts on why it's good for us to strive for more than being "just a mom" (part one - it's okay to want more).

Today, I'll offer some principles that will help turn our desire into a reality. Tomorrow, I'll pull out some practical tips on making it happen.

1. Make a list.

Are you surprised that my first suggestion involves list making? Really, though, the list is the most important step.

List all the things you wish you could do but don't have the time for. List all the things you used to do but felt you had to give up. List your personal hobbies, interests, dreams, and goals. Write it all down!

Once your list is written, begin sorting the items on the list according to a few categories: no longer important to me, something for later (whether a different phase in your life or your kids' lives), and important for today. If your 'important for today' list is fairly long, you'll need to rank the items by priority.

On my list of things I'd like to start doing today: writing, building friendships, regular dates with my husband, being involved in my church. For lots of women fitness makes it way onto the list, or a crafty hobby like scrapbooking, or volunteering at the kids' school.

2. Start small.

For most of us, going on a diet doesn't work if we attempt to revamp our entire lives in one day. It's the gradual, consistent implementation of changes that convert our lifestyles and our waistlines. The same is true of finding time for ourselves apart from our children. Slow and gradual just works better.

Choose one item from your list that you'd like to fit into your life and only focus on that item.

When we first moved (nearly two years ago now), building friendships ranked number one. Little by little, I saw that beginning to happen. So then I bumped writing to the top. I'm still working on building friendships, but have reassigned some of my attention to writing.

3. Search for windows.

Windows of time, I mean. In every mom's day, there are little chunks of time that are not filled with motherly duties. Others refer to these as pockets of time or margins. Whatever you call them - they're there. Your job is to identify them.

Not only do you need to find those windows, you need to figure out what's filling them right now. Then decide which matters more to you - the thing you're currently doing that uses up your chunks of time, or the thing you wish you were doing.

Building friendships - I decided that this was something I could incorporate into daily living. I didn't need to set aside a special time or make crazy childcare arrangements. I could invite a new friend and her kids over virtually any day. It just meant that sometimes I had to plan ahead as far as housework. Just because it was cleaning day didn't mean I couldn't have coffee, it simply meant I needed to clean around the coffee date - either before, after, or on a different day that week.

4. Schedule.

If it's important to you, schedule it in. Most moms these days have a day planner or a smart phone or something to keep track of appointments on. Use that same tool for allowing yourself time to add that one thing.

If it's in the calendar, it feels less like wasting time or stealing time (from the ever-present housekeeping needs) and more like time well-spent. Scheduling things, even fun things like singing lessons - if that made the top of your list - makes it feel more intentional and less frivolous. It's a mind-set thing.

Writing - I realized that I spent a lot of time on Facebook and reading blogs. Hours spent entertaining myself that could be spent crafting words. So I gave myself a rule - no reading until after the writing. The first thing I do in the mornings (following my quiet time) is write my blog post. Then I reward myself with a quick skim of FB status updates. After lunch, I try to do a bit more writing-related stuff, then I get to read up on other people's blogs.

5. Don't live by the schedule.

Yes, I did just contradict myself. The thing is, you can't be so married to your schedule that you become inflexible. It's okay to skip a day of knitting - if that's what made your list - in order to babysit a friend's child. Life happens, children get sick, emergencies come up, time gets away from us... The best way to handle life's interruptions is to be flexible.

For example, read Friday's blog post. I was busy packing for a two events - a boy's week at camp and a wedding that our whole family was attending. I realized that writing this post simply could not fit into my morning without me turning into a stressed-out shrew.

So go ahead. Make your list. What's stopping you?

What activity (or activities) make top priority on your list for today?

Do blonds have more fun? I'll let you know...

The follow-up I promised to yesterday's post is going to have to wait until Monday. Just in case you were wondering. We've got a wedding to attend tomorrow and I simply must get my hair made more blond this morning. So I'm sorry, you lose out in favor of the blondness. {grin}

In the meantime, I've got two favors to ask you...

1. If you're from Sherwood Park or Edmonton, would you please take a moment to answer my brief survey? (I'm hoping to set up a FREE teaching series for women in the fall, but I need to know what topic you'd like me to focus on.) Let me know that you did the survey, and you'll have the chance to win a Chapters gift card.

And if you would like to share it with some friends (on FB, Twitter, your blog, or by email), please do! Don't forget to let me know that you've shared it, so you get extra entries in the prize draw.

2. I'm looking for some guest posts on this here blog, so that I can enjoy my summer vacation and do absolutely NOTHING. If you're interested in guest posting, just email me your post by August 3. No major guidelines, as long as you're writing for an audience of Christian women.

And hey, have a fantastic weekend!

P.S. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, why don't you click on over and follow me on Twitter and Facebook. You'll thank me later for helping you kill two minutes. {wink}

Just a Mom, part one - It's Okay to Want More

A question I often hear, especially from young moms with one or two little (busy) ones, is some variation of "How do you do it all?" What they mean is, "How can you possibly be involved in other things, like ministry or writing or a small group or (fill in the blank) when you've got five kids? I can't imagine being able to do anything else. It's so busy with these little people!"

When I'm asked that, my heart fills with a mixture of compassion and excitement. Compassion... because the long, lonely, overwhelming days of being a new mom are never far from my memory. Excitement... because I love watching the thrill overtaking the face of a new mom who discovers she is not (and was not meant to be) just a mom.

I realize that what I just said may ruffle some feathers, but before anyone gets too worked up let me add this... I do believe that motherhood is one of the most important, profound, blessed callings. I also believe that many of us have a tendency to fill our lives with other stuff and neglect the importance of interactive, intentional parenting. What I'm saying is not to oppose the importance of mothering, but to enhance it.

For many of us, those first years of motherhood are a time of isolation and loss. We begin to question... Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Will the rest of my days be marked by an endless cycle of changing diapers and sweeping floors? In my experience, even a woman who's always dreamed of becoming a mother experiences some level of identity crisis when her child(ren) are young.

So when a mom of young children asks me how I do it, I try to encourage her with these five thoughts:

1. It is less a matter of how I do these other things than how I could survive without them.

There's is nothing more refreshing to an overwhelmed mom than hearing someone honestly say to them, "It's okay to want more. Don't feel guilty. I want more, too."

2. Grandma always said, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

In twenty or so years, these children of mine won't need me (at least not the way they do right now), and if they are my everything, I will eventually be left with nothing.

3. Doing things other than being a mom helps me be a better mother.

Spending a couple hours in a committee meeting with six other women as we plan our church's women's retreat, for example, fills me up. I feel energized and rejuvenated, both by the fellowship and the sense of purpose. So when I come home to my family, my joy spills over into how I interact with them.

4. Being a mom doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't serve in my church and my community.

In His Word, God calls us to show a special love to fellow believers and to take care of widows and orphans. Nowhere does it add, "unless you're busy being a mother." Having small children changes how we do ministry, but it does not make it impossible.

5. Being involved in other things is a beautiful example to my children.

It is good for my children to see me serving God and others. Seeing that the world doesn't revolve around them helps to tame their selfish nature. Sacrificing a small amount of time with mom teaches them that it's better to give than to receive. Observing my passion in ministry inspires them to ask God how He's calling them to serve.

Ultimately, we all make time for things that matter to us. We find time to go on Facebook, read blogs, and watch our favorite TV shows. We shuffle our schedules in order to get to the gym, create scrapbooks, or even attend appointments. It's not impossible or insurmountable to get out of the house and get involved in something. But it does require making a choice, making a plan, and being a little creative.

Tomorrow, I hope to share a few creative ways to get out of the house and allow yourself to be more than just a mom.

The Man in the Mirror

Braeden has this teenage boy thing he does every time he's in the bathroom - he stops and admires himself in the mirror. His self-admiration is usually accompanied by a self-conversation.

The other day as he was getting in the shower, I overheard him chatting. Like any self-respecting mother, I decided to pause outside the door and eavesdrop for just a moment. I heard him telling his mirror self, "You are just like Justin Bieber! You are Justin Bieber!"

I chuckled and told myself I had to remember that one.

After the shower, Braeden approached me with a question. I didn't have an answer for him, so I sent him to his Dad. (I probably could've answered, but I knew it would be more fun if Pat and I could chat and giggle about it later.)

"Dad," Braeden said, "I need to ask you something."

"What's up, Buddy?"

"I need some tips."

"Huh? Tips? What do you mean?"

"Tips. About girls. How do you get girls to like you? You know, like Justin Bieber."

I realize that Braeden may not appreciate me sharing this (and no, I didn't ask his permission). But seriously, how stinkin' cute is that?! I simply must keep this story on hand for future blackmail humiliation use!

The Missing Piece

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm sure it was partly due to the cup of coffee I had during our meeting (I really ought to invest in some decaf, people). Largely, I think my inability to sleep was the result of great joy. Joy because of a meeting.

Those of you who abhor meetings are gagging a bit right now. That's okay. I am fully aware of my nerdiness.

The meeting consisted of a small group of women who barely knew each other taking a few tiny steps in planning our church's first women's retreat. I felt the anticipation as I set out fresh cut veggies that the staff of my local supermarket had slaved over. Joy and fulfillment overtook me as we met, discussing and praying over our first major decision. And after everyone left, it was like a missing piece of my soul clicked into place.

Those of you who hate event planning are gagging even more than the meeting-haters. I understand. It's not for everyone. In fact, I'm not even sure it's for me.

It wasn't the meeting that stirred my passions. Nor was it the planning. It was the act of leading, mentoring, guiding, and pouring into other women. I hate to be cheesy and mis-quote an overused line from a movie I've never seen, but I feel God's pleasure when I am leading.

I love writing, speaking to groups is a thrill, and organizing gives me a sense of accomplishment...but nothing brings the soul satisfaction that comes from mentoring other women.

This surge of joy has me realizing something... In pursuit of writing and speaking and platform-building, I allowed myself to become too isolated. In my isolation, I not only drifted from the experience of fellowship with women, I slipped away from fellowship with God. This morning, I awoke with a burning inside - a desperation - to spend time in the presence of Jesus.

Don't get me wrong, I am wildly in love with writing (and speaking is growing on me more and more). I remain certain that God has called me to minister to women in those ways. I realized, though, that I cannot allow the far reach of that type of ministry to supersede the intimate reach of personal mentorship of women right here in my community.

They're not exclusive. In fact, they are intrinsically intertwined. If I'm not involved in intimate and personal ministry, I cannot succeed in ministry that reaches far and wide. Losing the intimacy distances me from the tangible needs of real women. Losing the intimacy distances me from the heart of my Father. And I find the reality of my relationship with Him falling short of what I know it can be.

I thought that this season in my life might be about teaching me to lean on Him and Him alone for my fulfillment. I thought maybe I needed to learn more about being rather than doing. I think I was wrong. The sweetness of joy that comes from doing life with others is a vital aspect of being His. For me, they can't be compartmentalized.

Do you have a thing that you do, something that draws you closer to God by doing it? Something that, if missing from your life, would leave you wondering why it's so hard to connect with Him?

My Undoing



Did I mention that we're going to Grand Goave, Haiti this winter?

(On the map, look left of Port-au-Prince. See Petite Goave? It's somewhere near there.)

Pat went in the falls of 2009 and 2010. He fell in love. So did I.

My heart split wide open for the Haitian people by sharing in Pat's experience. I think perhaps this trip will be my undoing.

I think I probably need to be undone.

Is there a place or people group that you love beyond all reasonable explanation?

The Pitch

In the wanna-be author world, there are three things of utmost importance:

1. Great writing
2. A growing platform
3. A fantastic pitch.

I'm working on #s 1 and 2 daily, but #3 is one that only gets used when you actually have the opportunity to meet with Agents and Publishers. Since my last meeting with anyone in the publishing world was at She Speaks nearly a year ago, my pitch has gotten a little rusty.

Thankfully, Brooke McGlothin is having a little big contest that's making me brush-up my elevator pitch! (An elevator pitch is the short version of your pitch - about 1-2 minutes in length - that you can use when you bump into an Agent, Editor, or Publisher in public. Except not in the bathroom. That is a big no-no!) And how handy is it that Rachelle Gardner outlined a good pitch for us in her blog today?!

Imagine the put-together me standing next to you as we ride an elevator to the 15th floor, with one or two stops along the way. Here I am...

(Cue music to Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator, because that's the song in my head as I write this.)

Hi, my name is Tyler Rowan, and I am so glad I bumped into you because I am seeking an agent to represent me.

I'm writing a Christian non-fiction book that I'd love to tell you about. Do you mind if I walk with you for just a minute?

My book is called Mommy, Why Are You Angry?: Breaking Free From Anger, One Mother To Another.

By transparently sharing my own battle as a (former) angry mother to five, I hope to convey two truths every woman needs to hear: “You are not alone!” and “You can have victory over your anger!” With a Christ-centred and practical approach, Mommy, Why Are You Angry? will provide women with both spiritual and hands-on strategies to help them find freedom from their anger and become the mothers God intended them to be.

I've been blogging since 2008 and have a steadily growing platform that I'm very committed to. One of my articles was recently published in P31 Woman magazine, I have a number of articles pending with other magazines (including MOMSense, a MOPS publication), and my writing is being regularly featured on Family Life Canada's website (a division of Power to Change). I was also published in a psychological journal while pursuing my Bachelor of Arts in University.

May I leave you a copy of my one-sheet?

Thank you for taking the time to hear me. I hope that I've caught your interest and will hear from you in the near future!

Tell me what you think - really, honestly, tell me! Does it catch your interest? Do you want to hear more? Is there anything you'd change/delete/add? (To answer your unspoken question - yes, the book title really does appear in red, even when I'm speaking.)

And just in case you happen to know someone in the publishing industry, please be assured that you are more than welcome to pass my elevator pitch along! In fact, I encourage it. There may even be chocolate or wine in it for you...

Preventing Road-Trip Rage

If you have small children and have attempted to journey any farther than a couple hours in your vehicle, you know the definition of road trip rage.

When will we be there?

Stop looking at me!

Mooooom, she's on my half!

How much longer?

The DVD player's dead!

He's not sharing the markers!

Are we there yet?

Moooooom, he keeps breathing on me!

You try counting... 1 -2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6- 7- 8 - 9 - 10... But all that does is give you more time to think about what to say as you lecture/yell/scowl/threaten the little beings in the back seat (or in my case, back seats).

A couple years ago, we tried something that has forever changed how we approach road trips. (Which is good, because we can't afford to fly seven people next door, let alone anywhere fun. Which means road trips are likely to be our means of transportation for a long, long time.)

We began our road trip by handing each child a roll of quarters in a Ziploc baggie. They were informed that they each had $10 in their hands, and it was theirs to use for buying a souvenir once we reached our destination. They were also informed that we would "match" their $10, ultimately giving each kid $20 for a keepsake (because we all now how far ten bucks goes at Disneyland).

However, they were warned that their souvenir fund would be reduced, one quarter at a time, for bad behavior. I listed some example behaviors that they'd have to pay me for: whining, arguing, disobedience, asking the same question every 10 minutes, etc. For any behavior that was out-of-line, they'd have to pay Mom. With the exception of being unkind to a sibling - then they'd have to pay that sibling.

Within the first hour or two on the road, each kid had probably lost a dollar. But for some of them, that was all they lost.

As I collected more money, I also began discreetly paying out quarters. If I saw kind, unselfish behavior toward a sibling, I slipped a coin into that child's Ziploc baggie.

When we arrived at our destination, one child was able to purchase a memento that cost $20. Another child had to search high and low to find a trinket that cost about $9. The child with $9 whined about the unfairness of it all, until I collected another quarter AND took back one of mine, leaving only $8.50.

Can you believe that a Mini Mouse on a key chain (two inches tall) cost over $8?!

If you don't want to rage while you're on a road trip, try it out! You'll be surprised how easy it is to keep your cool (even when the kids aren't). And if the kids are particularly bratty, that's more money back in your purse. It's win-win.

Want to find other handy tips? Visit Works-for-me Wednesday.

Share the Love

Ever struggle with jealousy when you see others succeeding where you're struggling? No? It's just me? Well then, you probably won't need to read this post. But I sure did!

When Grown-Up Sibling Rivalry Rears Its Ugly Head

If you're a developing speaker (like me), you've probably wondered the same question I posed...How in the world do I generate word of mouth when I'm speaking only a few times a year? Sheila answered my question in one of the most informative blog posts I've ever read!

How to Use Photos to Get the Word Out

So how 'bout you go check out these posts, mkay?!

Because I got nothin' for ya today. Nope. Lazy day. Baking cookies via a big, rolled tube of dough and watching TV.

A Survey for Local Gals

If you're from Sherwood Park, Edmonton, or the surrounding area, I need your help!

I am in the process of developing a FREE Bible-based teaching series for women in Sherwood Park. In order to best address the needs of the women in our community, I'm asking for your feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to complete this survey.




Please pass it along to other women from the community, too. (You can share using this link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WRSKCBS, or just send them to this blog post.)

Once you've completed the survey, just let me know (in the comments of this post, via email, on Facebook, by text, or whatever) and you'll be entered to win a Chapters gift card! And if you send the link to friends or share in on Facebook or Twitter, let me know and you'll gain extra entries.

Would you consider taking a few minutes to answer my survey?

Click here to take survey

* If you attend the series (hopefully coming this fall), I guarantee you'll find it time well spent. It'll be worth it just for the funny faces I make while speaking!

Helping our Kids Experience a Living and Active Relationship with Jesus Christ

Being a parent can often feel like being a referee. Or a cat herder. Or a paramedic. Or a prison warden.

Parenting is a game of reaction. Something happens, then we react. We pray our reactions stop bad behavior, encourage good behavior, and help our children to grow into good and Godly adults.

I've been using this method for years with generally good results. At times, if I think my current reactions aren't getting the above results, I'll experiment with different types of reactions (aka new methods of discipline). Most things I try seem to produce the three results mentioned above.

The other evening, after a long, late-night conversation with one of my children about some stuff that child is struggling with (fitting in, bullying, lying, swearing, over-emotional reactions), I wrote these words:

My children are desperate to experience God as a reality in their lives. They need to see that Jesus works and He can truly help them in life's struggles.

With those words, my parenting goals shifted. I'm no longer solely focused on increasing good behavior and decreasing bad behavior, hoping that we all survive until they reach adulthood. My number one priority as a parent must be helping my kids experience a true and personal relationship with Jesus Christ in their everyday lives.

Sure, I'll still need to react and run interference. Discipline and encouragement cannot be abandoned. But there's a new element that needs to take precedence, and it cannot just be reactionary. I need to turn in my striped referee shirt and whistle for a t-shirt labelled "Coach."

We can't help our children experience Jesus personally with phrases like, "Do you think that Jesus would like the way you're treating your sibling right now?" That makes Jesus look like us - reactionary. We don't want Him to be a "watchdog" over our kids' behaviors; we want Him to be a resident of their hearts.

Teaching Jesus - at a heart level - needs to be proactive, planned, and interactive.

Proactive - Acting in advance rather than reacting.
Planned - Regularly scheduled.
Interactive - A dialogue or conversation rather than a monologue (commonly referred to as a lecture).

Here are three things we're going to try at home to help our children experience the reality of Jesus working in their lives:

1. Learning together. This week we will begin working through the Kids of Integrity curriculum (by Focus on the Family) together. Our first lesson (chosen by the earlier mentioned child) - honesty.

* On a little side-note, KOI is giving away an iPad 2 to those who sign up! Use my link to enter the contest, and you help increase my chances of winning. :)

2. Visioning together. Anyone who has ever led a team knows how much stronger the team becomes if everyone "buys into" the organization's vision. I think the same is true of a family (is there any team more important than family?). So I would like us to develop a family vision, mission statement, values, etc. based in Scripture.

How will this look in practical terms? We'll start with a family meeting, do some brainstorming, and go from there.

3. Following the Holy Spirit together. If I had to name one single thing that grew my faith, it would be the experience of "hearing" the Holy Spirit, listening, and then experiencing the results of that obedience. I want to be more intentional about sharing our obedience with our children, and inviting them to participate in it.

For example, the next time one of my kids wants to give away their favorite toy, I will not suggest they take some time to think about it. Instead, I will praise them for listening to God and help them obey immediately. Or when Pat and I feel led to do something for someone, we'll share the story with the kids over dinner. And when we're in need of provision, and God provides, our whole family will praise the Lord together.

What do you do to help your kids (or the kids you have influence on) experience a living and active relationship with Jesus Christ?

Or, like me, have you been stuck in reaction mode for too long? If so, what is one thing you could begin to do that would take you from reactive to being proactive, planned, and interactive?