Inner Turmoil

Okay, perhaps turmoil is a bit of a strong word. Maybe struggle or confusion would fit better. But turmoil made for a better title. ;)

There is this inner battle going on inside of me (duh - inner battle) between jumping in and doing what I'm passionate about and waiting to hear clearly from the Lord.

Here is what I think I know:

- God called me to write this book that I have not been diligently working on, though I know I should. Whether or not I get a positive response from a publisher or agent, I must write this book. At the very least, for the benefit of my family, and hopefully for the benefit of other women and their families.

- I did some of my best and most diligent writing in the spring as I got ready for She Speaks. At the same time I was leading WOW and dealing with everyday life. Through that time (and other life experiences) I have found that two conditions exist to elicit quality writing (I don't know how quality in comparison to others, but it's my best quality). One is that I am in the Word and having my morning time with God daily. The other is pressure - it can be the slight pressure of having a number of tasks on my plate or time constraints. I just work better under pressure.

- I am wildly passionate about women's ministry. Over several years of being involved in virtually all aspects of WM, from serving at to planning events, from leading teams to mentoring leaders, I believe I have discovered my "calling" as it relates to WM. The thing that gets me so fired up that I can barely contain my excitement is the grassroots work. Setting the foundation of a ministry. Establishing a good, working organizational structure in conjunction with mentoring/equipping strong leaders (which includes helping those leaders develop a deepening passion for relationship with Jesus and the various skills needed to lead others effectively - such as diplomacy, prayer, knowledge of Scripture and its application, administration, relationship-building, and so on).

So I know I have been called to write. I know the conditions under which I do my best writing. And I know my heart's deepest passion.

What I am uncertain of is this - can I (or should I) pursue two callings and passions at once? Will I become overwhelmed? Will I neglect my duties at home? Will I end up more irritable and impatient with my children? Is there even a need for the skills and passion I have to offer at our new church? These questions have been constantly bouncing back and forth, up and down, like a handfull of little rubber balls has been dropped in my brain.

The biggest, most important question, though - the one that echos loudly above all the others - is this: What is God's will? Because more than anything in this world, more than my passions and personal desires, more than my hopes and dreams, I want the absolute assurance that I am walking in His will for my life.

But I do not hear Him on this. I am not getting a clear sense. And for some reason, I have not straight-out asked Him.

Fear? Pride? Selfishness? Laziness? I don't know. All I know is that I need to get over what it is and ask. Because the sound of all these little balls boinging around is making me a little bit crazy...