Thursday, February 4, 2010

Inner Turmoil

Okay, perhaps turmoil is a bit of a strong word. Maybe struggle or confusion would fit better. But turmoil made for a better title. ;)

There is this inner battle going on inside of me (duh - inner battle) between jumping in and doing what I'm passionate about and waiting to hear clearly from the Lord.

Here is what I think I know:

- God called me to write this book that I have not been diligently working on, though I know I should. Whether or not I get a positive response from a publisher or agent, I must write this book. At the very least, for the benefit of my family, and hopefully for the benefit of other women and their families.

- I did some of my best and most diligent writing in the spring as I got ready for She Speaks. At the same time I was leading WOW and dealing with everyday life. Through that time (and other life experiences) I have found that two conditions exist to elicit quality writing (I don't know how quality in comparison to others, but it's my best quality). One is that I am in the Word and having my morning time with God daily. The other is pressure - it can be the slight pressure of having a number of tasks on my plate or time constraints. I just work better under pressure.

- I am wildly passionate about women's ministry. Over several years of being involved in virtually all aspects of WM, from serving at to planning events, from leading teams to mentoring leaders, I believe I have discovered my "calling" as it relates to WM. The thing that gets me so fired up that I can barely contain my excitement is the grassroots work. Setting the foundation of a ministry. Establishing a good, working organizational structure in conjunction with mentoring/equipping strong leaders (which includes helping those leaders develop a deepening passion for relationship with Jesus and the various skills needed to lead others effectively - such as diplomacy, prayer, knowledge of Scripture and its application, administration, relationship-building, and so on).

So I know I have been called to write. I know the conditions under which I do my best writing. And I know my heart's deepest passion.

What I am uncertain of is this - can I (or should I) pursue two callings and passions at once? Will I become overwhelmed? Will I neglect my duties at home? Will I end up more irritable and impatient with my children? Is there even a need for the skills and passion I have to offer at our new church? These questions have been constantly bouncing back and forth, up and down, like a handfull of little rubber balls has been dropped in my brain.

The biggest, most important question, though - the one that echos loudly above all the others - is this: What is God's will? Because more than anything in this world, more than my passions and personal desires, more than my hopes and dreams, I want the absolute assurance that I am walking in His will for my life.

But I do not hear Him on this. I am not getting a clear sense. And for some reason, I have not straight-out asked Him.

Fear? Pride? Selfishness? Laziness? I don't know. All I know is that I need to get over what it is and ask. Because the sound of all these little balls boinging around is making me a little bit crazy...


  1. Okay, you and I have talked about this stuff so much both for you and for me. As I was reading your blog this minute something struck me. I was preparing my testimony for a Women of Influence meeting today and my verse is Proverbs 3:5-6. When I was working on it I saw for the first time that the verse said "paths", plural. I was stumped. You mean more than one path? I never saw that before. So I'm reading your blog thinking "of course more than one path!" Second thought. When you are doing your passion(s) your joy overflows and I would have to believe that you would be more joyful with your kids, not less. Part of what causes our short temper with our kids is that there is something unresolved on our minds and it is brimming, waiting to be returned to. Add just one mommy question or spilled milk and it feels like the world is too much to handle.

    Or maybe it's just me. . .

  2. PATHS???  I knew that it was paths, plural, but even then never really considered that it could mean more than one path at one time.  I always assumed it to mean, each path in succession.  Definite food for thought…  Thank-you!
    What time should I be praying for you as you share your testimony???

  3. Wow. I really needed that today as I too am struggling with a defineate call to write that I usually ignore as well as coming to terms with another area that I am called to that maybe isn't quite what I had originally hoped. I too often already find myself short with people and irritable, and I am realizing it is often because I am not following the paths God has for me.
    Thank you for sharing your struggles, you have been an encouragement today.

  4. I feel like I could have written this post! wow!

    Just keep being obedient. I like Pearls of Wisdom's advice above! Wow, yes.... serious food for thought.


  5. I've struggled the same. I lead Bible Study, I'm on the retreat team, and I've been taking a Biblical studies course. The second course is coming up - should I, shouldn't I? And I also haven't had a clear answer. What I have had though is obstacles removed...when I didn't think I could complete an assignment an extension was created - that I didn't ask for; when I asked my husband his opinion about the class his response was sort of, "well duh, if you want to lead study you should take the classes"; and when I figured I'd just finish this one assignment and opt out of the next class - my assignment gets scheduled for presentation during the first session of the next class. Hmmm - do you think maybe I'm seeking His will when He's already laid it out for me?


  6. Hey Jordan,

    My book is for mothers who struggle with anger towards their children. As God and I work through it together and I find freedom in Christ, I am writing what He is teaching me.

    You see, when God finally pushed me to be transparent about my struggles in being the loving, patient, gentle mother I want to be, I discovered that MANY other moms share this struggle. But we are all too ashamed to talk about it - especially in the church! After all, Christian women are supposed to be beyond reproach and we all know that children are a gift from God.

    I believe that when we keep our sins and struggles hidden in the darkness, the enemy of our souls get free reign. Which leads me to believe that the first step in us becoming free from the hold that anger has on us is to talk about it. So with trembling and queasiness, I've started talking.

    Well, that was a short explanation made longer, wasn't it?! LOL.


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