Keepin' It Real

I have a problem. I don't trust God. Well, that's not entirely true - in theory, I totally trust Him. But my actions speak differently. I like to plan and prepare and problem-solve. In short, I like to be in control. And trusting God requires that I relinquish my control.

One area that I've had particularly difficult time with is finances. Let's face it, there are times when I spend more than is coming in. And since I'm the one who takes care of our family's finances, this is my responsibility (read: under my control). At those times when there seems to be a bit less money than bills, it's easy to justify disobedience to God. I'll just skip tithing for this paycheque, but I'll make up the amount in two weeks. Well, I can't pay all the bills and get all the food we need, so I guess I'll skip this bill and make it up next month. These are just tiny examples of my internal struggle.

This week, though, there was a WAR going on in my heart and mind. Because of Braeden's disability, I receive some government funding to help in hiring skilled, adult, professional, trained people to do childcare (sometimes the teenager from down the street simply won't do). I was completing my paperwork, and realized that I have some unused hours for this contract year (my contract year begins July 1). Which means there was money available to me right now, but next week it would be gone forever. And I'm not talking a bit of extra pocket change - it was a BIG number.

God has been working on me in this area. He's promised me that He will provide for all our needs, if I just trust and obey Him. If I stick to the planned budget, if I meal plan and take my calculator grocery shopping, if I tithe first, pay bills second, and get groceries and gas last - He will ensure we have what we need. But I haven't been very careful with the budget, and I've spent some money foolishly on things we didn't need. So it's my responsibility to find more money, right? And then I discover this money that is practically sitting in my lap.

For some of you, you're thinking - duh, stealing from the government is A BAD THING TO DO. I know. I knew. Yet I wrestled this over in my heart for days. I prayed, I repented, then I coveted that money all over again. I prayed that the Lord would show me a way to turn away from this temptation, so that I wouldn't sin. Then I did the only thing left to do - I called my best friend who I knew I could trust to set my mind straight. Since I've been dying to use this phrase, and it perfectly fits this situation, indulge me... I got a WORD, y'all! Christine said to me, "a sin with your eyes wide open is a sin directly against God."

Having the matter firmly settled in my heart, I completed my paperwork for the hours I used and bid farewell to those I didn't. Signed, sealed, and delivered. I feel so free! And can I just tell you what God does with obedience, people? He blesses it!

Yesterday we returned some left-over supplies from the whole roofing project. There was enough money to buy all the household supplies I had run out of, plus a couple extras. Today, as I was pulling on my jeans, I found money in the back pocket. And not just five bucks. Enough money to pay for my Bible study book (which I need to pay for tonight), and to pay my Weight Watchers fee this morning, and even a bit extra above and beyond that.

I can't get over it! God is so good. I am faithless, like the Israelites wandering the desert. I am provided for and blessed, but the moment things seem a bit difficult I stop trusting and start complaining. I try to control my own destiny. Crazy and foolish. I've said it before, but I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I deserve nothing less than death, yet He gives me life abundant.