Someone Lied to me

I have spent the past 13 years (maybe more), believing the greatest lie. I don't know who first told me this lie, but it has been propagated throughout my education, through society, by friends, and more. And I bought into it. Big time.

Someone convinced me that children are basically good. That they want to be good. That they desire to please their parents and teachers. Thus, our job as parents is to "bring out the best in them." According to popular culture, the ideal means for eliciting the goodness of our children is "positive reinforcement." Give them a goal, track incremental successes, and once the goal is attained they earn a prize. While this method works well for toilet training (which is something children actually desire to master), when applied to behavioral difficulties it will fail.

If you have relatively well-behaved children, you are likely gearing  up to post a comment on how well positive reinforcement works in your home. Let me tell you just how blessed you are. Those of us with children who are commonly referred to as "strong willed" do not necessarily share your success.

I was reminded of a truth recently that, I suspect, will forever change my parenting "strategy." We are all sinners who seek to fulfill the desires of our flesh. Every single one of us. Even children. We are not basically good at all! No, we are all basically evil. Even children. Just as we must die to self in order to be more Christ-like, so must our children. Our job as parents is to help them recognize their own sinfulness, to teach them that giving into that sinful nature brings forth dire consequences, and it is only in being self-controlled and God-controlled that we are truly free, content, and joyful.

Here's a quick example...

Imagine that you are a less-than-dedicated employee. You have a tendency to sleep in and arrive late for work. Which consequence is most likely to bring about lasting behavioral change?

Consequence #1 - Your boss draws up a chart to track your progress. Each day you come to work on time you get a gold star. Once you have 100 gold stars, you get a new car!

Consequence #2 - You are written up for your tardiness and your boss tells you that it is unacceptable to show up late. Next time you come in past 9am your boss tells you to pack up your office, then he/she walks away.

In option #1, you are being rewarded for NOT doing the wrong thing. And it will likely work...for a time. Once you've earned that car, though, how long before you are sleeping in again? (You may even begin thinking, "I wonder what I can earn next time?!") Option #2, on the other hand, would be devastating. You would experience all sorts of discomfort in many areas of your life as the result of losing your job. If/when you found a new job, how likely would you be to make promptness a priority?

Now if we are naturally that inclined toward selfishness and laziness, why would we be so foolish as to assume that our children are any better? After all, they too are descendants of Adam and Eve.

I've yet to process my new knowledge and translate it into practical terms for our family. But I have a feeling things are going to become very uncomfortable around here for five little people... With the ultimate goal, of course, being children that are well-behaved and happy. (After all, how many naughty children have you observed that actually appear to be happy?)

Have you ever heard a nugget of truth that completely changed the way you think about parenting? And did it ultimately have an impact on how you DO parenting?

* The example above, and the truths I am discovering, can be credited to John Rosemond and his book The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that REALLY Works.

* Next on my parental reading list is Kevin Leman's Have a New Kid by Friday.

Bumped off Self-Centre

I started reading a new book this morning. I am in the midst of a couple, but they were boring me, so I decided to crack a fresh binding. I've had this piece of literary handiwork gathering dust on my desktop for a couple months, certain that, while it might be a good read, I was not really in need of the message it purported.

I am on page five, and am now thoroughly convinced that this book will be one that marks a turning point in my life.

The book begins with a science lesson of sorts... The world was flat and the earth was the centre of it, until Copernicus and then Galileo began challenging the status quo.

[Copernicus] tapped our collective shoulders and cleared his throat. "Forgive my proclamation, but," and pointing a lone finger toward the sun, he announced, "behold the center of the solar system."

What Copernicus did for the earth, God does for our souls. Tapping the collective shoulder of humanity, he points to the Son - his Son - and says, "Behold the center of it all."

"God raise him [Christ] from death and set him on a throne in deep heaven, in charge of running the universe, everything from galaxies to governments, no name and no power exempt from his rule. And not just for the time being but forever. He is in charge of it all, has the final word on everything. At the center of all this, Christ rules the church" (Ephesians 1:20-22 MSG).

When God looks at the center of the universe, he doesn't look at you. When heaven's stagehands direct the spotlight toward the star of the show, I need no sunglasses. No light falls on me.

Lesser orbs, that's us. Appreciated. Valued. Loved dearly. But central? Essential? Pivotal? Nope. Sorry. Contrary to the Ptolemy within us, the world does not revolve around us. Our comfort is not God's priority. If it is, something's gone awry. If we are the marquee event, how do we explain flat-earth challenges like death, disease, slumping economies, or rumbling earthquakes? If God exists to please us, then shouldn't we always be pleased?

*Max Lucado, It's Not About Me: rescue from the life we thought would make us happy (pp. 4-5)

Maybe it's just me, but I suspect we could all use a good, healthy bump off self-centre these days.

Does the message of this work seem "not applicable" to you (as it did to me)? Or maybe you want to read it, but not until January?

Want to be Radical?

Anyone else beginning to wonder if they've been getting too comfortable? Lately, God keeps reminding me that I am here for more than just living a good life.

Living out life as a child of the Most High God pretty much demands our radical obedience. Am I the only one who suspects that I haven't been giving it my all?

If you, like me, found your heart pounding out of your chest by the end of that video clip, you can bring yourself even closer to cardiac arrest by reading the first chapter of Radical here. After that, we'll all probably rush out to buy it. Or maybe not...

The Tragedy of the Unopened Gift

In his book If You Want To Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat, John Ortberg speaks of those people who stop growing and allow themselves to become stagnant "boat potatoes." He quotes Gregg Levoy's description of the "common cold of the soul."

To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed,
Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed -
Until weeks become months
And months turn into years,
And one day you're looking back on a life of
Deep intimate gut-wrenchingly honest conversations you never had;
Great bold prayers you never prayed,
Exhilarating risks you never took,
Sacrificial gifts you never offered,
Lives you never touched,
And you're sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul,
And forgotten dreams,
And you realize there was a world of desperate need,
And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger than yourself -
You see the person you could have become but did not;
You never followed your calling.
You never got out of the boat

Ortberg goes on to say, "there is no tragedy like the tragedy of the unopened gift."

Random Excuses for Neglecting my Blog

- It has been warm and sunny. Given our long Alberta winters (and the fact that we had snow AGAIN just last week), I'd rather be sitting out in the sunshine.

- I have been earnestly seeking God in my mornings, but still sleeping in later than I'd like, so after my God time I have no blog time left.

- We have been RV shopping, both online and in person. I never realized what a stressful decision this would be!

- We have been busy moving a new (to us) play centre and playhouse into our yard, and then busy watching the kids make it worth every single penny. (I use the term "we" loosely. Several strong men did the heavy lifting, but I was a darn good supervisor!)

- My mom has been making me do yard work. (ugh)

- I spent the entire day yesterday having Bible study with friends followed by coffee with friends. We were having the best visit ever, and I even forgot to take Malakai home to nap!

- Pat and I have been completing application forms to go to Haiti with our "old" church (October, 2010).

- I've been planning our family getaway to beautiful British Columbia, researching things to do while we're there. And yes, I have been mapping out the drive and planning all of our stops. It's a disease!

- I have been enjoying some darn good reading:

* This Present Darkness (Frank Peretti) - For years, I have heard friends rave about this book. I avoided it, though, because I wasn't too sure how my imagination would handle a novel about the battle between the spiritual forces of good and evil (angels and demons). All I can say is WOW! What a fantastic story!

* If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat (John Ortberg) - Another one I've been putting off, but was assigned to read for my BLAST course. I'm not finished yet, but Ortberg grabbed my attention from the first paragraph. What a call out for Christians to get moving in their faith!

* Take Three (Karen Kingsbury) - I have never read a Kingsbury novel that hasn't left me with a huge lump in my throat. Somehow she is able to weave together story after story of brokenness and reconciliation and make each one completely unique. I've been following the Baxter family for years (like my own little soap opera, but with God and without the mass adultery). I don't know what I'll do when/if the Baxter family stories end.

What have you been busy with in the past week or two?

Incoherent

I have a million post ideas in my head. I have been sitting here for 40 minutes, starting and deleting posts on several topics. Fact is, my brain is so very full right now that I can't find a way to pull out something coherent.

So I have decided it's best to direct you toward some other writer's thoughts - people who are able to be coherent. Okay? I promise to try harder tomorrow. ;)

Katie is a young woman who was called by God to do something unimaginable. Her story inspires me, breaks my heart, frightens me, and convicts me. I recommend scrolling down to the post dated Tuesday, February 23. If you let it, that post will change your life!

Having trouble knowing what God's will for your life is? Can't "hear" His voice? Walking through some big storms that you don't understand? Sandy is teaching a series that you don't want to miss!

Our Greatest Weakness is NOT Knowing Our Own Strengths

For my BLAST course, I have been reading Now, Discover Your Strengths (Buckingham & Clifton). The premise of the book is based around two core assumptions:
1. Each person's talents are enduring and unique.
2. Each person's greatest room for growth is in the areas of the person's greatest strength.

Is it going too far for me to say that I think EVERYONE should read this book?!

So often we focus on all the things we need to "fix" in ourselves that we lose sight of the fact that God has placed unique talents, abilities, and passions in each one of us. There is nothing more affirming or empowering than to spend a few minutes reading true words about what you're good at.

An added bonus (especially for a girl who loves doing surveys, inventories, and assessments) is that the book comes with a code for an online Strengths Finder evaluation, which helps to identify your top 5 strengths.

Since you already know way too much about me, you are probably dying to hear what they are. Right? ;) Here they are, all changed to first person since I'm talking about myself. Okee-dokey?

1. Relator - I am pulled toward people I already know. I don't necessarily shy away from meeting new people, but I do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around my close friends. I am comfortable with intimacy. For me, a relationship has value only if it is genuine. And the only way to know that is to entrust myself to that person and share openly (even if it means I risk being taken advantage of).

2. Strategic - This perspective allows me to see patterns where others may simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, I play out alternative scenarios, always asking, "What if this happened?" This helps me to see around the next corner, discarding paths that lead nowhere, that lead to resistance, and that lead to confusion until I arrive at the chosen path - my strategy. Armed with my strategy, I strike forward.

3. Arranger - I am a conductor.When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, I enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until I am sure I have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. I spend time mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project.

4. Empathy - I can sense the emotions of those around me and feel what they are feeling. Intuitively, I am able to see the world through their eyes. I do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective, nor do I necessarily feel pity for their predicament. I do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but I do understand. People tend to be drawn to confide in me.

5. Communication - I like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. I want my information to survive, to divert other's attention toward my idea and then capture it and lock it in. This is what drives my hunt for the perfect phrase.

Now, didn't that make you want to run out and discover your own strengths?!

Wanna meet my friend, Deb, whose strengths are so different from mine that it's shocking?

P.S. This review was completely unpaid and unsolicited, done of my own free will on a book I paid for. Just so ya know. :)

My Will or His?

What is God's will?

In decision-making time your greatest difficulty may not be choosing between good and bad but choosing between good and best. You may have several options that appear to be equally attractive. At a time like this, begin by saying with all your heart, "Lord, whatever I know to be Your will, I will do it. Regardless of the cost and regardless of the adjustment, I commit myself ahead of time to follow Your will. Lord, no matter what that will looks like, I will do it!"

What if God's will isn't convenient?

If you cannot say that [above] when you begin to seek God's will, you do not mean "Thy will be done" (Matt. 6:10 KJV). Instead, you mean "Thy will be done as long as it does not conflict with my will." Two words in a Christian's language cannot go together: "No, Lord." If you say no to God, He is not your Lord. If He really is your Lord, your answer must always be yes, Lord. in decision making, always begin at this point. Do not proceed until you can honestly say, "Whatever You want of me, Lord, I will do it..."

What if I cannot seem to discern His will?

...When God gets ready for you to take a new step or direction in His activity, it will always be in sequence with what He has already been doing in your life...

What if I just can't do what he's asking of me?

...Truth stands...to say, "Believe Me. I will never give you an order without releasing My power to enable it to happen. Trust Me and obey me, and it will happen."

~ all quotes from: Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God, study guide (pp. 123, Blackaby & King) ~

A Must Read

I don't search around blogs often. I tend to stick to my select reading list. But every now and then, it's nap time and I let my mouse wander.

Sometimes, the truth treasures I find out in this world wide web are so worth it!

Worth Your Reading

Some posts I have cried over recently...

Choose Your View - When things in life don't go our way, we can either stare at a wall or gaze at the flowers.

The shape of our lack - "I ask that you, God, fill that space between what I feel and what I know you can provide."

In Honour of Father's Day - A beautiful tribute to her man.

Happy Birthday, Bethie! - Proverbs 31:28a says, Her children arise and call her blessed. My heart's desire is to leave a similar legacy in my family.

And this one, it hit me right between the eyes; a review of Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges. This book is now in my amazon.ca wishlist.

And the Winner is...

Feels like deja vu...

For the re-drawing of the Mother's Day Giveaway numbers 1 through 49 were entered, and this time random.org has selected #14.

Katherine said: my husband graduates from grad school this weekend -- what i'd REALLY like is a job for him, but that's probably asking a little much this week. i'd settle for some quality time with our families, who will all be here for the festivities.

Congratulations Katherine! Send me your mailing details and you will receive your copy of A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family by Mary Ostyn of owlhaven.

Mother's Day Giveaway

I recently had the great blessing of winning a book that I really, really wanted to read. You see, the book was written by someone I "know" (by knowing I mean: I read her blog every day and comment lots in the hopes that she'll like me *smile) and based on my "knowing" her I was certain her book would be chalk full of wisdom and handy tips for mothering.

Mary Ostyn of Owlhaven has recently released her new book, "A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family." And fyi - you sure don't need to have a large family to benefit by reading her book. It is g-o-o-d!

Here's the review I submitted to amazon.com:

Mary has written the guide of a lifetime! If you (like me) are struggling in any area of family life - from chores to discipline, from organizing to laundry - "A Sane Woman's Guide..." will have something for you.

Mary's no-nonsense, concise approach to offering up all the tips and tidbits from her years of experience managing a family of 12 is a quick and easy read. But do NOT mistake it to be your typical quick and easy read; this book is chalk full of information!

I set this book down encouraged that it really is possible to raise my family of seven (five little monkeys) AND keep my house organized and tidy AND not break the bank doing it all. If you are considering purchasing this book, let me tell you this - it will be worth every penny!

If you would like your very own, brand new (read: you're not getting my copy, I'm keeping it!), hot off the presses copy of Mary's book, leave me a comment! Not just any comment, though - tell me what you really hope to get for Mother's Day.

On a side note, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my best advice for getting the gift you want from your spouse for any occasion. So don't forget to stop by tomorrow; my WFMW post is all about getting the gift you really want.

You don't need to be a blogger to enter, just make sure you leave me an email address so I can let you know if you've won.

Here, I'll go first. What I really want for Mother's Day is the gift of total relaxation - 90 minute full body hot stone massage. Mmmmmmm...

* The fine print... No purchase necessary. You must leave a comment in order to be entered. If you would like to post about this giveaway, linking BOTH to this post right here AND to Mary's book (or her blog), your name will be entered FIVE times (plus another entry for your comment). Entries will close at noon (MST) on Friday, May 8th. Winner will be announced on Saturday, May 9th at 9am (MST). International entries will be accepted.

Reading Rainbow...

Anyone remember that show? I hear the tune playing in my head right now - it's all I can do to keep myself from singing it out "reading rainbowwwwwww!." On an actual note that relates to posting...

I love to read. If you come to my house you will find books on every handy surface - coffee table, toilet tank, bedside table, kitchen counter, odd little shelf by my front door. You get the picture. Even right now - there is literally a book on each of those surfaces.

Some are partially read and just sitting there waiting for me to return to them. (If a book doesn't grab me early on, I will often move on to another and come back to the original book in a week or two. The Type A in me won't allow me to leave a book unfinished (or a movie, for that matter) no matter how boring. So here's the rainbow of reading materials you would find scattered about my house this morning - if you were to stop over unannounced for a coffee. Which you should totally do, by the way!

Coffee table:

"No Other Gods: Confronting Our Modern-Day Idols" (The Living Room Series) by Kelly Minter. We've got a small group of us working through this together over the summer, on Wednesday nights. This is a LifeWay book, so my assumption from the beginning is that it wouldn't be a 'fluffy' study. The homework in week one left me disappointed, but let me tell you about week two - man, oh, man was it tough stuff! There were just four of us last night (three lucky girls were on holidays) and did we ever d.i.g. The book is designed for small-group in-home studies, offering recipes for dinner and dessert for each week. I baked last week. I'll say it again so you can grasp the importance of such a statement... I BAKED!

"The Busy Mom's Devotional: 10 Minutes a Week to a Life of Devotion" by Lisa T. Bergren. This book is one of the first things I've won - ever! I am so thankful to Cindy for sending it to me, because it is good! I often find myself disappointed in devotional books. There are so many that you can just breeze through and never find the gems. But this book (and it really is only 10 minutes, once a week - no dates, it's divided by handy-dandy seasons) reaches in and touches my woman's heart. Lisa shares stories from her life and relates them to scripture, and she gets her readers into the Word, placing it in their hearts. My only complaint - I wish there were more, because I could do it every day!

"Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith" study guide by Beth Moore. I cannot say enough about this study. Because of this study (we did the DVD series with the study guide) my walk with God has been forever changed. I was challenged and stretched, pushed and pulled, and God's Word is more deeply embedded in my spirit. I wrote a post about it here, and eventually there will be more... I'm done working through it, but I'm keeping it handy because there is stuff in there that applies to every experience - it has become my second reference-guide.

Kitchen Counter:

"One Tuesday Morning" (book 1 of 2 in the September 11 series) by Karen Kingsbury. She is by far my favourite Christian fiction author! Every single book she's written has brought me tears and joy. Her stories are so true to life, real people with their real pain and heartache, a real God who brings reconciliation. I've always got to have one fiction book on the go (to take my mind off all the deep thought), and about 80% of the time it is by Kingsbury. I think I may have read just about everything she's ever written by now, though, so if you have another author to recommend I'd sure appreciate your suggestions!

Toilet Tank:

"The Explosive Child" (revised and updated) by Ross W.Greene, Ph.D. The caption of the book says "a new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children." I haven't gotten far, but I'm certain I'll finish this one in the next week or so, because I NEED SOME SUGGESTIONS! If it's good, and I try some of the ideas, I'll post about it. If you want me to. Well, it's my blog, I'll post about it whether you want me to or not, lol. *I just looked at the location of this book and it's title - too funny! No pun intended.

Bedside Table:

"The Prince" by Francine Rivers (book 3 of the Sons of Encouragement series). She's also my favourite author. Hey - I can have 2 faves if I want to! Rivers has a few novels that are totally fiction and will leave you sobbing (in particular "The Atonement Child" and "And The Shofar Blew"), but this series is special. Rivers does fiction based on scripture. This book is about Jonathan. I just finished the ones about Aaron and Caleb. Rivers has a gift for taking characters and scenes from scripture and elaborating on them (adding private thoughts, emotions, etc.) to make them come alive. This particular series tells the stories of "5 men who quietly changed eternity." She's also told the stories of some remarkable women of the Bible in "Lineage of Grace" and of Hadassah and her family in the Mark of the Lion series. Try reading one - the moment you put it down you will be rushing to your Bible to read the scriptural account!

Front Door Shelf:

"The Organic God" by Margaret Feinberg. This book was a gift from my Pastor. It is refreshing and insightful (and funny), but something hasn't grabbed at me quite enough to hold my interest. I have it dog-eared on page 140, chapter 8 - "Unbelievably Stubborn" (yes, I dog-ear my pages all the time, forgive me, or not, whatever). I think when I do return to this book I will start over - I can see that I've made oodles of notes in the margins of the first 7 chapters, so it's obviously got some good stuff in there. I've got a serious case of book ADD.

I'll be honest with you here. There are more books in the piles in these locations. But I'm worried that you're getting bored with my sadly written book reviews (totally not my strong point). And really, it looks bad enough that I've got 7 books on the go (and of course my Bible - which is also on the coffee table - best book EVER written) and 5 children who are obviously being neglected and not properly fed while I pour through my many books. How terrible would it sound if I confessed that (including my Bible) there are actually 12 books that I am reading?!

How many books do you have on the go?