When You Don't Agree with Your Husband

There have been times in my life when I've found myself confused (surprise, surprise).

We're supposed to love and serve God first, then our husbands, then our children, and so on... But what happens when those things conflict? Then what do we do? Who do we follow?

Here's a practical example for you. Early in our marriage, I was attending Church and (tepidly) following the Lord. Pat wasn't there yet - he wasn't sure about all that 'religious' stuff. I sat in on a powerful sermon about tithing, and felt called to obedience by it. But the money in our account wasn't put there by me, and we had always agreed that expenses over a certain amount needed to be unanimous. To say that Pat wasn't particularly excited about my idea of giving a significant portion of his earnings to a church he seldom attended is an understatement.

So what was a girl to do? For weeks I obsessed over this - obey God's Word and defy my husband? Honor my husband and disobey God? I did eventually work this out...I found other ways to tithe (of my time and talents) and waited for God to work out the money thing...which he has.
Every now and then, someone asks me about a similar situation. I can look up some handy scripture references for them (Ephesians 5:22-24, I Peter 3:1-5), but it can be so difficult to explain in a way that makes sense!

So, for anyone who's ever asked that question - married or not, in a Christian marriage, unequally yoked - anyone who's ever wondered how to make sense of the confusion, here is a fantastic analogy that illustrates what God is calling us to (as Christian women, wives, mothers).

courtesy of shadowhelm.net

Imagine a team of dogs pulling a sled over the snowy plains of Alaska. All of a sudden the Master says, “Turn right.” But the lead dog turns left and the others follow. So the Master stops the team, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his little face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he gets back in and off they go. Again, the Master says. “Turn right.” But again the lead dog turns left.

Well this time the dog behind him turns right like the Master said but in the process creates chaos. So the Master stops the sled, walks around to the lead dog, shakes his face and says, “I told you to turn right.” Then he walks to the next dog that obeyed his command to turn right shakes her little face and says, “I told you to follow the lead dog.”

Get it? Your husband is the Lead Dog. Your job is to follow the Lead Dog because that is what the Master really wants.

This story was originally posted on my friend Jenny's blog.

* a re-post from the archives *

Lead Your Heart

"Follow your heart." We've all heard it before. But the effects I've seen of this heart following are all too often negative - divorce, broken families, adultery, broken trust.

The heart (the emotions) is a fickle thing. We tend to be motivated by what feels good, what makes us happy, by what we believe we deserve. I am so guilty of this! I frequently decide that I am not feeling loved enough by Pat. Maybe I even feel taken for granted. My heart begins to ache a little bit, and I follow it. I follow it right down the path of blame and accusation, dissatisfaction and criticism. Very soon, neither of us is "happy" in our marriage.

So where would we be if I kept on following my heart down that path? Probably in a state so miserable that divorcing and breaking our family apart would seem to be the only path back to happiness.

I believe it is healthier, wiser, and better for the heart if we choose to "lead our hearts." Like I said, emotions can change on a dime (they are not the best compass to follow). How much wiser would it be for us to direct our hearts (our emotions) in the way they should go?

What do I mean? I mean this - regardless of the feelings, we choose to act in ways that reflect what we want to be feeling. We choose to show love regardless of how loving (or not) we are feeling. Come back with me to the place where I'm feeling unloved or taken for granted. I don't have to follow my heart to the pit of despair. No way! I can make a choice, in that very moment, to lead my heart.

For me, leading my heart might look like doing something to show Pat that I love him (even though I am feeling unloved) - even better, doing something to show Pat that I respect him (more on love & respect here and here). It might be forgiving that my work has been taken for granted, and picking up the strewn laundry because I love him. It might look like clamping my mouth shut when all I really want to do is spew and vent how horrible I feel, and praying that God changes my heart (rather than praying that God changes my husband).

The funny thing I've noticed is that when I lead my heart, it doesn't take long before my emotions follow where I want them to go. The feelings of hurt and discontentment ease away. Loving thoughts and feelings work their way back in. I begin to feel "happier" and my actions reflect it. And more often than not, a chain reaction begins. Rather than ending up unhappy and divorced, we end up stronger and more committed.

In The Love Dare it says this: The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The Bible says that 'the heart is more deceitful than all else' (Jeremiah 17:9), and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment...The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse into the person you want them to be...The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling.

We each have a choice to make. Follow the heart and hope to heaven we find love and feel loved. Or lead the heart and choose to be love and show love.

Never Say No

We wives tend to joke about how our husbands are always in the mood...

It's true. As a general rule, men are more easily turned on than women. A man can come home after a long day at work, catch a glimpse of cleavage while we serve dinner, and he's pretty darn excited.

Us women, on the other hand, are quite the opposite. I mean, we just served dinner. It's a dinner that we prepared and will be cleaning up after. Prior to that dinner we worked, cleaned, planned, refereed. After that dinner we'll be making the bedtime rounds. So the fact that he's excited is actually pretty annoying.

Sound familiar?

Life is busy, and most women (men, too) are flat-out exhausted at the end of the day. It's so easy to tune out, veg out, then roll over and just go to sleep, giving our men the big shut out.

The thing is, if we say no enough times (even if we're not saying it with words), we launch a vicious cycle.

She says no --> He feels rejected --> He begins to isolate --> She feels rejected

The cycle goes round and round until nobody's interested in anything. No sex, no dates, no closeness, no communication.

Years ago, when Pat and I were in the early (and difficult/unhappy/miserable) phase of our marriage, we found ourselves in this cycle of rejection. I felt alone and unloved, so was not interested in doing anything that might make him happy (from turning his laundry right-side-out to fooling around). He felt rejected and unneeded, so he wasn't interested in doing anything that might make me happy (from helping around the house to cuddling with no ulterior motive). We were stuck.

But God did that thing He does. You know - conviction. Everything I was hearing, reading, and watching seemed to be about sex. Heck, it was preached from the pulpit at church! And I read the words of a wise woman (I don't remember who, but I've never forgotten her words)...

I made the decision to never say no again.

She was not only referring to the word "no," but to other ways of communicating unavailability and disinterest. She chose not to avoid his touch (even if at times it bordered on the inappropriate, like grabbing her butt in the kitchen), she chose not to turn her back but to always go to sleep facing him, and she gave her "yes" to her husband every time he was interested.

Some of you are probably thinking, But if I did that I'd never rest! Here are a few questions, then... Do you sleep well after rejecting your husband's advances? Do you sleep well when you feel cold and bitter towards your husband? Do you sleep well when you're going out of your way to avoid him?

I'd like to suggest that your rest would be dramatically improved if you simply removed the word "no" from your vocabulary and your actions.
I haven't said no in years, and our marriage is the best it's ever been! (Not that this is the only factor that's improved our marriage, by any means. And for those who are considering the never say no method, let me put your minds at ease - it is not every. single. day. You can breathe easy.)

Lately, God's been bugging me about the whole "who should initiate" issue. I've always figured it should be a 90/10 split, maybe 80/20 if I'm feeling generous. God seems to be hinting otherwise. So far, I've had my fingers firmly planted in my ears, singing, "La, la, la, I can't hear you!" Conviction is a funny thing, though - it just gets stronger the more you ignore it.

So let me ask you a personal question - What are you telling your man? Does he have your "yes," or is he too often getting your "no?"


Check out To Love, Honor, and Vacuum for more Wifey Wednesday posts.

How to Bring the Romance Back

Sheila is talking about romantic fantasies for Wifey Wednesday (on her blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum) today, and I decided to pipe in with my two cents!

I'll be honest, I'm not too familiar with the phenomenon she's referring to. I can't say that I notice a lot of women mooning over certain celebrities or athletes. What I do notice, though, is a whole lot of women fantasizing over their girlfriends' husbands.

I'm not talking sexual fantasy, but emotional fantasy. I wish my husband would bring me flowers like hers does. Why won't my husband ever watch the kids and give me a day off like hers? Oh, her husband is so spiritual, such a leader - how I long for my husband to be that way.

How about this one: I'm so unhappy in this marriage, but I don't believe in divorce. I wonder what it would be like if my husband were just...gone? If he died, I would be free to marry someone really right for me.

Perhaps that last thought isn't as common as the earlier ones. But it's not as uncommon as you might think.

Here's the deal, friends - the grass may look greener over there on the other side, but in reality the grass is always greenest where it's been fertilized, watered, and mowed. Tending to the lawn takes time, effort, money, attention, and some hard work. If we want our marriages to look like hers - the one who gets flowers and is always smiling and touching - we need to put in the same effort she does. Maybe more.

Here is one small thing we can all do to bring the romance back to our marriages - be his biggest fan.

Cheesy? Maybe a bit. Effective? Absolutely.

How to be his biggest fan:

1. Thank him when he does something around the house. EVEN if it's something that you expect him to do (like taking out the trash). Here's a little Jeff Foxworthy bit that talks about men's need to be appreciated - it's exaggerated, hilarious, and true. (Go ahead and start down at 6:10.)

2. Brag about every sweet thing he does for you to your girlfriends. Eventually, it will get back to him and he'll feel like a superhero.

3. Ask him to help you solve a problem (whether a discipline issue with the kids, something at work, etc.), and actually use his advice.

4. Greet him when he comes in the door! Kiss optional, but recommended.

5. Hang out with him, side-by-side, doing something he enjoys (fishing, fixing the car, watching hockey).

If you're like me, you're probably wondering how the heck this is going to help bring the romance back. You're thinking, Sure, I'll do all that. What's he going to do for me?

Guess what? Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership, where you take turns doing your share and keep score. Good marriages are 100/100. The secret to getting him to give his 100% is deceptively simple. Stop keeping score. Focus on giving your 100% and nothing else.

If you become your man's biggest fan, he will feel valued, appreciated, worthy, and respected. His chest will puff out in pride, because his wife adores him. A man who feels respected and honored is satisfied, filled up, and he will then be ready to pour out. And he will become your romancer.

Here's a great challenge for us wives. (I return to this tool at least once per year, when I need a refresher on being Pat's biggest fan.)

What do you think? Do you believe that your marriage can be transformed by your actions alone? Are you willing to give it a shot?

Don't Put The Kids First

Mothers today are Superwomen and martyrs. The more sacrifices we make, the better we are at our job. While this little rule is more unspoken, the proof of our mindset lies in our standard answer to the question, "How are you?" The response I hear most often from my mom friends isn't "Good" as you'd expect. Nope. Us Supermoms love to be able to say, "Busy!"

Another symptom of Supermom syndrome is the classic phenomenon we refer to as the kids come first. This translates into putting the care, feeding, attention, and activities of the children ahead of one's own needs. However, this phenomenon also frequently translates into putting the children's needs ahead of their Daddy's needs.

Here are three reasons to adjust your family priorities and start putting the kids last...

1. We have but eighteen (or so) short years with each child. With our men, Lord willing, we have a whole lifetime. If all of our time and energy is poured into the children, we will be lost and without purpose when they're gone.

2. Putting your man first is, technically, meeting your children's deepest desire. No one wants you and your husband to stay married more than your children do! Pour your energy into keeping the marriage healthy, and they will be the beneficiaries.

3. Modelling for our children how a healthy marriage works will prepare them to look for and be a good spouse. In a household where Mommy and Daddy's relationship comes first, the children learn how to honour their spouse above all others.

The priorities of the typical Superwoman look something like this:
- Kids, kids, kids
- House
- Friends, family, ministry, work
- Marriage
- Self

The priorities of the "new" Superwoman look a little like this:
- Self (Because I'm worth it!)
- Work
- Kids, house, family, friends, ministry
- Marriage

The priorities of the Godly Superwoman ought to look more like this:
- God
- Marriage
- Kids
- Other relationships (friends, family)
- Other stuff God calls her to (house, work, ministry, self)

Healthy marriages make healthy families. Healthy families build healthy communities and churches. Healthy curches and communities grow healthy cities, countries, and so on.

So I say, if we've got kids, we stop putting them first and instead pour that energy into building up our men and our marriages. We could change the world right from our own living rooms.

Are your priorities in order?

(I know mine need some work...)

Rescue for a Broken Marriage

I have a friend (more than one, actually) whose marriage feels as though it's about to implode. Trust has been broken too many times, words that cut delivered with every disagreement, and the heartache seems unending.

I've been there. Spent a good five years in that place, in fact. All I have to do is close my eyes and I am instantly transported back to the days of dull, aching, pain in my head, gut, chest, and throat - symptoms of a heart that is breaking over and over again. It's hard for me to recall what we argued over or why we had such a hard time loving, but the feelings that accompanied the trials are never far.

I thank God every day for my husband and our marriage...because for a number of years I never really believed we'd make it. But God knew. And He took each tiny ounce of willingness we offered and grew it exponentially. Today, after eleven and a half years of marriage, I am very much in love and know that I am loved and treasured.

So I do not say this lightly...

My sweet friend, you and you alone have the power to save your marriage from the depths of destruction. The world will tell you that "it takes two," and that "you deserve better," and "sometimes it's better to let go." Your own heart will tell you those same things. But there is something you need to know... The world is lying to you. You heart will deceive you. That feeling of wanting to give up - it's a big, fat lie from the very pit of hell.

It takes only one willing heart to save a doomed marriage. One willing heart that is bowed down in submission and obedience to the One True God.

Here are three things you can do to begin the restorative work in your marriage.

1. Don't believe your feelings. Your feelings will deceive you almost every time. Instead, when you feel hurt, abandoned, betrayed, justified, or angry, stop. Right then and there - step away and stop. Ask God, "What is Your Truth in this situation?" Listen for His answer in your heart and search out His Word for confirmation. Then write down the Truth. When you are tempted to let your emotions take over (we're women, when are we not?), grab that piece of paper and remind yourself of the Truth.

2. Stop trying to make things better. Us women, we want to talk thing through until they're resolved. Men, on the other hand, need to think things through. Alone. We think we need to follow them around, pushing and prying until they will "talk it out." We're wrong. To a man, our path to resolution looks and feels like we are starting a fight. Instead, talk it through with God. Work out those feelings in a letter (one that is destroyed after you're done writing, reading, and re-reading it). Pour it out to a trusted girlfriend - someone who loves you so much that you know she will never hate your husband or encourage you to give up.

3. Communicate your love to him in a way he understands. Not in the way you understand. Read and re-read The Five Love Languages and Love and Respect. Figure out what actions and words communicate to his heart, then use them. And when you feel like you've got nothing left to give, keep doing it. Not for him, not even for yourself, but for Him. Offer all your love to Jesus, and when your husband crosses your path, let it bump into him too. (And not that I need to mention it, but there is one way that almost all men hear "I love you." *wink*)

I can't promise you it will come easily. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But I can promise you this - God has a good plan for you and your life (Jeremiah 29:11), He loves you and your husband (Jeremiah 31:3), and He is for your marriage (Malachi 2:16). While you may be tempted to give up...on your marriage, on your man, on yourself...God will never give up. So give it to Him, let Him fight the battle for you, and all you need to do is walk in obedience. One day at a time.

With just one wiling heart, bent in obedience, God can not only save your marriage, He can restore it completely! (Joel 2:25)


P.S. Lest you think too highly of me, those three things were learned the hard way in my life. Shoot, I have to keep on re-learning them on a daily basis! Especially the part about not following him around trying to make him talk about stuff...