How to Bring the Romance Back

Sheila is talking about romantic fantasies for Wifey Wednesday (on her blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum) today, and I decided to pipe in with my two cents!

I'll be honest, I'm not too familiar with the phenomenon she's referring to. I can't say that I notice a lot of women mooning over certain celebrities or athletes. What I do notice, though, is a whole lot of women fantasizing over their girlfriends' husbands.

I'm not talking sexual fantasy, but emotional fantasy. I wish my husband would bring me flowers like hers does. Why won't my husband ever watch the kids and give me a day off like hers? Oh, her husband is so spiritual, such a leader - how I long for my husband to be that way.

How about this one: I'm so unhappy in this marriage, but I don't believe in divorce. I wonder what it would be like if my husband were just...gone? If he died, I would be free to marry someone really right for me.

Perhaps that last thought isn't as common as the earlier ones. But it's not as uncommon as you might think.

Here's the deal, friends - the grass may look greener over there on the other side, but in reality the grass is always greenest where it's been fertilized, watered, and mowed. Tending to the lawn takes time, effort, money, attention, and some hard work. If we want our marriages to look like hers - the one who gets flowers and is always smiling and touching - we need to put in the same effort she does. Maybe more.

Here is one small thing we can all do to bring the romance back to our marriages - be his biggest fan.

Cheesy? Maybe a bit. Effective? Absolutely.

How to be his biggest fan:

1. Thank him when he does something around the house. EVEN if it's something that you expect him to do (like taking out the trash). Here's a little Jeff Foxworthy bit that talks about men's need to be appreciated - it's exaggerated, hilarious, and true. (Go ahead and start down at 6:10.)

2. Brag about every sweet thing he does for you to your girlfriends. Eventually, it will get back to him and he'll feel like a superhero.

3. Ask him to help you solve a problem (whether a discipline issue with the kids, something at work, etc.), and actually use his advice.

4. Greet him when he comes in the door! Kiss optional, but recommended.

5. Hang out with him, side-by-side, doing something he enjoys (fishing, fixing the car, watching hockey).

If you're like me, you're probably wondering how the heck this is going to help bring the romance back. You're thinking, Sure, I'll do all that. What's he going to do for me?

Guess what? Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership, where you take turns doing your share and keep score. Good marriages are 100/100. The secret to getting him to give his 100% is deceptively simple. Stop keeping score. Focus on giving your 100% and nothing else.

If you become your man's biggest fan, he will feel valued, appreciated, worthy, and respected. His chest will puff out in pride, because his wife adores him. A man who feels respected and honored is satisfied, filled up, and he will then be ready to pour out. And he will become your romancer.

Here's a great challenge for us wives. (I return to this tool at least once per year, when I need a refresher on being Pat's biggest fan.)

What do you think? Do you believe that your marriage can be transformed by your actions alone? Are you willing to give it a shot?