Thursday, October 29, 2009

Aching Heart

This week, my heart has been wrenched to and fro.

In addition to the surprise on my date night and the blessing at the church staff meeting, I was blessed and honoured at Friendship Factor on Wednesday. You wouldn't believe the trickery of those girls! People who haven't been at FF in over a year were tracked down and invited to take the morning off work so they could attend. (Bless their hearts, several did.)

Nothing is more humbling than feeling really, really loved. Did you know that? I would have thought hearing all these people telling me how great I am (I know they are selectively forgetting the bad stuff right now, but hey) would make me feel prideful and oh-so important. But it just doesn't. It makes me feel a bit shy, a bit confused, and very tender.

I cannot wrap my head and heart around it. It seems only last week I was a just-past-teenage mom with only one friend in the whole world. And these past couple of weeks have shown me that I have more friends than I know what to do with. (You should see my calendar these days as I try to have coffee with everyone I love. I am not getting anything done besides socializing!)

Each blessing I receive just makes the loss more profound. Not that I'm really losing these friends - I know that! I will be back at least once per month, and I will insist that they come my way periodically, and the modern miracle of email will keep us in close touch. But what I am losing is a culture of friendship and fellowship. It's something that took six years to develop, and moving away from this church family is...ouch.

Today I had to take one step further yet. You see, today we chose the woman who will take my position. The only job I've held in six years (besides those of wife and mother). A job that exists because it was on my heart and I asked if I could do it. Frankly, I see this ministry more as my baby than as my job. A baby I laboured over, nurtured, prayed for, and loved with my whole heart. And today, I chose an adoptive mother for my baby. I have just over one week to hold this baby close until it is time to extend my arms to the one who will take over the job of its care. And no matter that I know it is God's will, and it is time, and that it is not only for my good and my family's but for the baby's good as well - the ache in my gut just may kill me.

And as I sit here letting the tears flow freely, I hear a gentle whisper in my soul...

Jehovah-Shammah, the LORD is there. I AM there. I AM in Red Deer with WOW, and I will not let it stumble. I AM in Sherwood Park where you will go, and I will not let you stumble. The name of every city you visit, every church you worship in, every ministry you serve with will be: the LORD is there. (from Ezekial 48:35)

Though the ache remains, I know I will live through it, for He is with me.


  1. You are so loved and we have been blessed by your leadership and friendship. God has plans for you and we know they are not bye but see you later.

  2. A big hug for you my friend! I understand how much of a roller coaster these last weeks must be for you and I feel for you! Praise God that he can be the rock in all of this and that you can lean on Him and His word wholeheartedly!

  3. I am praying for you, this move and for Pat and the missionary team and travel.

    I have sent you some e-mails, but they are being returned to me as undeliverable!


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