God Doesn't Waste a Hurt

Stay tuned for more great posts written by five fantastic and inspiring women. Two weeks of vacation for me means two weeks of fresh content for you. Enjoy! (And don't forget to comment and let these ladies know that what they write matters.) See ya soon.

My friend, Louise, is the one responsible for getting me started as a blogger. She's also the one responsible for teaching me the healing power of being real, transparent, and authentic in our interactions with others. It's because of her open and honest blogging (and life), that I found the courage to share about my "issues" with anger as a mother.

Louise is one of the most courageous women I know. Not because she has no fear, but because she keeps moving ahead in spite of her fear, leaning hard into the arms of Jesus.

This is a glimpse into her story...
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Hello, my name is Louise. I am a grateful believer in Jesus that struggles with anger and is in recovery for relationship addiction.

It wasn't one moment that got me to the place I am, much like many of you, it was a road in which I chose to take. A road that brought me to a place of brokeness and despair, filled with hopelessness and barely a thread of faith left.

My story is not one of a good Christian woman, faithful in study nor raising her children in the way of the Lord. My story is one of an abuser, a victim, a suicidal, a lesbian, a mistress, a girl.

In April, after losing my job due much in part to life choices I had made, I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting at my church.

It was three years prior that I had sat in the same pew, having returned from an overseas mission trip with my family full of excitement. It was also three years prior that I sat in that same pew alone, left by my husband for another woman.

Instead of pulling close to God in that time, I ran to fill the void in another relationship - redefining my sexuality, redefining my values and my life and my everything. While at the time, I justified and reasoned with my choices it is only now that the veil is lifted that I can see the light of how my true hurt and habit formed.

From the outside, I appeared the happiest I had ever been. Even after that relationship ended, and I moved out and on with my kids did the pattern continue. New relationship, new sin, old patterns. Behind closed doors, I was angry and hurting my children both emotionally and physically. I pushed too hard, yelled too loud and spoke words of death. I became what I despised in life. I wished I was dead.

I couldn't be the woman I wanted to be. No matter how hard I tried, I would eventually fall back to old hang ups and habits of dealing with situations. It was then that I realized I was powerless and needed God's healing in my life. In faith, I wad reminded (by Tyler!) the words spoken over me, and despite the fear of showing up every week to puke my life out to a small group of women, held to it with whatever small strength I felt I had in me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

This verse has been a significant part of my life since coming to Christ in 2004. It has been prayed over my family in service, in counselling, by strangers, on t-shirts, and in the most unlikely of circumstances. In essence, it defines my life and a call from God in to live a life of reckless faith.

It isn't my mission on this earth to do anything more than what God commands of me in the moment. I cannot control what defines my happiness, where I will work, or even the relationship I will one day be in (despite my persistent and slightly pathetic begging).

For the past 4+ months I have been privileged, by no mistake, to meet and share in a study with a group of 12 women (chick disciples - hello!) on Tuesday evenings and a larger group every Friday. It hasn't been easy, or without intense struggle. There have been many times that I stuttered to share my junk and times that I have wanted to quit.

I am entering an inventory section of my life, one where I must share all my hurts, hang ups and habits in detail with God, myself and a woman I trust. It's not easy to see my sin sitting on sheet after sheet after sheet of paper in front of me, let alone say it out loud but as I walk in this process I have faith in the following verse.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16

When Tyler sent an email my way, asking if I would write a post my immediate reaction was to laugh. Our God is a God of restoration. It has been years since I allowed the Holy Spirit to guide my life and even within this recent walk I have been reluctant and too ashamed to feel as if I had the right to call myself a Christian women. But! You know what? I learned early on in this process that God doesn't waste a hurt and while this road is still a long one for me (and you!) to walk, I know (and hope you are!) encouraged to let God lead you through a process of reflection and healing.

Thanks for letting me share.

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Louise is plowing through life as a single mom to four - three boys and a daughter. Despite never wanting the life of a "working woman," she's discovered some hidden talents and, I think, found a bit of enjoyment being in the workforce. She doesn't blog these days (which is a sad thing for me), but you can follow her on Twitter. She says a lot of funny stuff on there.