Deficient

Not for the first time, I am pondering the words of James 1:2-4. This time, though, I heard them quoted from the Message.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

What jumps out at you from this passage?

For me, the word "deficient" leaps off the page. In life, in faith, in all things, the LAST thing I want to be is deficient, insufficient, or less-than. It would seem that my best defense against being found lacking is to allow the difficulties of this life do their work, to not try to get out of trials, and to allow them to make me mature and well-developed. I don't know if, in the midst of things, I would consider pressure and hardship a gift. Yet after the fact, I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am without having had certain unpleasant life experiences.

Without a special needs child, I would have little compassion for the pain, heartache, and utter exhaustion so many parents are walking through. Because I had to fight, research, and advocate for Braeden, I feel equipped to help and encourage other parents to ask for what they need.

Had I not walked through the valley of the shadow of depression, I suspect I would be unsympathetic (and even judgemental) of others in need of counselling and medication to treat their mental health issues. Instead, I find my heart burdened to pray for my friends caught in the mire of emotional anguish.

If I had not been a teenage disaster, not experienced the loss of two pregnancies, not been a fatherless girl desperate for a man to love me, if I had not had times of plenty and times of very little, and not had empty and angry painful years in my marriage... Who would I be? In spite of the pain that each of these experiences caused me, I do not believe I would want do go back and do life again without them. For then I would be a woman who knew not the scandalous grace offered through Christ, the freedom found in offering forgiveness, the love of a Father who never leaves, the beauty of a marriage restored, the bonds of friendships soldered over shared sorrows...

What about you?

Does this version of the passage give you any new insights about your own faith walk? Looking back, can you see how certain trials have shaped and matured you? Are there struggles that you have come through, that you can now genuinely say were a "sheer gift?"

A Blazing Offering

I awoke to these words on my radio this morning...

...Let my whole life be
a blazing offering,
a light that shouts and sings
the greatness of our King!

Glory to God,
glory to God,
glory to God,
forever.

Take my life and let it be
all for You and for Your glory.
Take my life and let it be Yours...
(by Fee)

I was struck by the war that rages in soul every day.

My heart longs for every part of my life to belong to God and to be for His glory. I offer Him the junk in my life that He has redeemed, and I freely share what God has done for me and in me. Even as I sit in the midst of life's trials and turmoil, I know and expect that God will use the situation to bring glory to His name. (More often than not, it's this knowledge that brings me through to the other side.)

But when there are good times, times of relative peace, it can be so easy for me to forget who gets the glory. If life is steady and stable for long enough, my prideful heart begins to believe that I am self-made woman. I give thanks to God a little less, and think of "how well I'm doing" a little more.

I have struggled with depression off and on for years. If I track it in my life, I can see evidence easily as far back as fifth grade (that's about age 10 or 11). At it's worst - as it was for the year after Megan (almost 7) was born - I have been nearly incapable of functioning without medication. At it's best, the depression is manifested in my life as angry outbursts, irritability, short-temperedness, and hyper-emotionalism (essentially, an unending case of really bad PMS).

As I walked through the fog of post-partum depression almost seven years ago, I continually promised God that when He brought me out of the darkness I would not forget who rescued me. In seventh grade, as I lay on the floor convulsing, my body filled with a mixture of drugs from over 80 pills of unknown origin, I made that same promise. For the most part, I believe I have kept my word. If not for the love poured out on me by God the Father, the pursuit (of me and my life) by Jesus Christ, and the healing ministering of the Holy Spirit I have no doubt that I would still be in the pit.

Lately, though, I have been doing well. I began a low dose of medication shortly before we moved, as I am well aware that life change is one of the main triggers of depression. Even as I wrote those words, I felt a bit like patting myself on the back. Good job, Tyler. You're doing so well! And what foresight you had to prevent another bout of depression before it could get a grip on you. Way to go! All that hot air in my head starts crowding out the still, small voice that reminds me Who my Deliverer is...

If I do not learn to give God all the glory, even in the good times, I have little doubt that they will be short-lived. Not so much because pride deserves to be humbled (though I believe that it does). More so that God can keep me close to Him, loving Him, relying on Him, and giving Him glory and praise. So before the enemy fools me with all this baloney about "how well I'm doing," I will put myself back in my place - on my knees, looking up to the only One responsible for life's good times.

I thank You, Lord, for whispering to my heart and reminding me that a move could trip off depression in me. I praise You, Father, for the miracle of modern medicine - for doctors who care and medications to treat so many of our illnesses. I give You - and only You - Christ Jesus, the credit for this blessed state of peace in my life. Lord God, You heard my prayer (for just one good friend in this new home) and answered! Thank-you is so much less than You deserve, but I humbly offer it anyway. May my whole life be a blazing offering, all for You and for Your glory. Glory to God! Glory to God! Glory to God forever!