First, if you're wondering where the next post in the Good Fruit series is, join the club! God has been showing me so much about love that I can't form a coherent thought on it yet. I'm praying that He and I can get it all worked out for tomorrow. Or maybe Monday...
Do you ever do something that makes you feel like the worst _______ (fill in the blank - mom, wife, friend, employee, ministry leader) in the world? If so, my Tuesday motherhood experience likely happened for the sole purpose of helping you feel better about yourself.
Tuesday was a special day for the girls - their first dance class of the season! The after-school plan was quite elaborate, but I was pretty impressed with my ability to sort out the scheduling details.
I began the day by informing Abbey (8) that she could not join the choir because Tuesday choir practice would overlap with dance classes. And there was no way I could be at Shea's (5) dance class AND be picking Abbey up from the school at the exact same time. The reason I had to deliver this news at 7am on Tuesday - because I had already told her she could join choir and signed the permission slip!
I felt well-prepared for the after-school insanity. We left the house at 3pm (Shea, Kai (3) and I). Leaving half an hour early turned out to be a very good move! Power was out in most of the town, traffic lights were not working, and it was the after-school hour. Needless to say, what should be a 10-minute drive took 22. But I arrived just in time to meet Abbey and Megan (7) at the local high school, where they transfer buses.
I was cheerful and smiling inside. After all, the sun was shining (finally!) and I had done it! I got them to dance class on time! Yes! (insert fist pump)
We sent Shea into her class and the rest of us hung out in the lobby. I mentally patted myself on the back for having the foresight to pack snacks, drinks, coloring supplies, and cars. My feet propped comfortably on a chair, I cracked the binding of a new book, thrilled at the prospect of whiling away the next 45 minutes in relative peace.
I don't exactly recall how it came up, but we were talking about Braeden (12) when it hit me - I forgot to leave a note at home to let him know where we were! First, I called home. Of course he won't answer, the power is out! Duh! Cordless phones don't work in power outages. Oh wait...He wouldn't be able to answer the phone regardless, because he can't get in the house - every single door is locked up tight!
(In the past, I had been leaving one door unlocked for those rare instances when Braeden's bus arrives and I'm not yet home. Yes, this decision was based in experience, thankyouverymuch. But last week, it seems I accidentally left the truck unlocked one night, and our GPS, portable DVD player, and B's PSP were all stolen. Since then, I have felt it wise to lock up all the time.)
I looked at my watch, 4:10pm. Shea's dance was scheduled to end in 20 min and then Abbey and Meg's class would begin. Braeden was scheduled to be dropped off at 3:45pm! I moved into not-quite-yet-frantic auto pilot.
"Girls," I looked at A & M, "Stay here. Be good. When Shea is done, bring her into your class with you. I'll be back." I looked to the small source of big noise, Mister Kai, and called to him, "Hurry up! Come with Mommy! We need to drive home quickly to get Braeden!" The drive home took 18 minutes, because they finally had police at the intersections directing traffic.
I whipped into the driveway and burst into the house calling Braeden's name! Of course he's not answering; he's not Caspar the Ghost and can't float through walls! Sheesh!
Kai stayed firmly trapped in his car seat screaming loud and proud his desire to be set free.
Our (brand new, just moved in last week) next door neighbor had not seen him, but she was kind enough to offer her home as a place of refuge for my son in the event of future negligence on my part. The sitter who lives down the street (and, incidentally, her mother - who is also Megan's teacher) also had not seen him.
Kai screamed on. At least I know where he is!
Breathe, Tyler, breathe. Think, think, think! I called the bus driver's home. No answer. I called the busing office - she'd get back to me. Two agonizing minutes later, as I paced the driveway around the truck and periodically said, "That's enough, Malakai. You have to stay in your seat." she called. The driver had taken B back on the bus when they discovered the locked door and couldn't reach me on the phone. She had one more child to drop off and would return with my son. Oh thank-you, Jesus!
As relief washed over me and the adrenaline slowed, it occurred to me that I had just left three little girls to their own devices at dance lessons. Another phone call as I confessed my complete incompetence to yet another person. Yes, they were safely in the studio.
After dropping B off, his bus driver very politely asked for my cell phone number (who can blame her?!), and I filled her in on the next door neighbor contingency plan. I did remember to let B know where we were going before Kai and I headed back to dance.
We arrived and retrieved Shea from the class, returning to our abandoned snack and coloring table. At 5:20, an influx of parents came through the door and headed down the hallway to wait for their dancing darlings. I opted to keep "loud and proud" out in the lobby for the sanity of every parental unit in the building. Ten minutes later two girls came running out.
Finally, we can just go home. What a day!
But wait, why do the girls look so unimpressed? They informed me, loudly and in front of numerous departing families, that parents were supposed to come in and watch at the end. Where was I???? I made humble apology and begged everyone to just get in the truck. The drive home took 6 minutes. Thank-you Lord that the power is back on. Oh darn, my dinner was in the oven on a timer. What am I going to serve now? Well, at least the TV would be working; that will keep everyone busy for a few minutes. I wonder what B did at home with no power? He was probably bored out of his mind, and couldn't even phone me to tell me! Nice job, Tyler. Mother of the year. Oh yes you are!
Please feel free to store this little gem in your memory banks and withdraw it at those precious moments when you feel the flames of humiliation climbing the back of your neck due to some incident of incompetence. Remember that while you are having a bad moment, at least you're not having a bad day in front of a dozen eye witnesses. Then you can smile and feel better about yourself at my expense. Yes, I am at your service.
Oh, did I mention that, as it turns out, dance lessons actually started last week?!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
How to Help an Angry Mom, part 4 - Guest Post con't
Here are the earlier posts in this series:
Why are some moms so angry?
What's the husband/fathers role in helping an angry mom?
How can we get discipline back under control?
And for today, What is child training and how do we do it? courtesy of Jenny.
I would like to add a couple of notes to my previous post…
1. When children learn to obey the majority of the time, they earn the right to respectfully appeal with something like, “Yes, Mom, may I finish this first?” or whatever is appropriate for the situation. However, appeals can’t follow every directive.
2. Never spank in anger. When you send the child to wait for you, that is your time to gather your thoughts, pray for wisdom and ask God to help you handle the situation calmly and lovingly. If you get frustrated because your child won’t admit what they did, take a break. It will give him/her time to think and you time to refocus. Gal. 6:1 reminds us if anyone is caught in a sin (i.e. disobeying parents), we are to restore them in a spirit of gentleness.
3. I mentioned checking your motive. Let me expound. If your motive is to pay your child back, to get out your frustration, to gain obedience because it is more convenient for you or because of any selfish reason, your motive is wrong. Teaching children the self-control to say no to themselves and yes to you will one day translate into them saying no to themselves and yes to God. Don’t we all wish we had more self-control not to say whatever we’re thinking, not to eat foods we know we shouldn’t, not to spend money we know isn’t within the budget? Self-control is a gift. And we can give this gift to our children through loving, consistent discipline which is aimed toward the child’s benefit, not ours.
4. I know that there are some who would read “spank in love” and scoff. That is just not something that is conceivable to them. I can understand that. Sin has tainted what biblical discipline should look like. People have been hurt and therefore have abandoned the truth of God’s word. Proverbs says, “Every word of God proves true.” Colossians 2:8 warns us not to be taken captive by the world’s hollow and deceptive philosophies because God has made foolish the wisdom of this world (I Cor. 1:20).
So on to Training and Encouragement…
Consistency in discipline is vitally important but
What does that mean? It means that you can give consequence after consequence but you will see a significant difference if you take the time to teach your child not only what to “put off” as Eph. 4 tells us but what to put on. Don’t athletes practice, practice, and practice some more before actually going out to compete? So why not give our children time to practice obeying during a fun, non-confrontational training time?
During training time, you can teach your kids what you mean by first-time obedience. Tell them what you’ve seen them doing: talking back, grumbling, ignoring, etc. You can even act out what you’ve seen them doing. This usually makes a huge impact and the kids think it’s hilarious seeing Mom and Dad acting like them. Next, explain using Scripture such as Ephesians 6:1-2 and Phil 2:14 why what they’ve been doing is wrong. Carefully explain and/or act out what you would like to see. Then let them know what the consequence will be if they don’t obey cheerfully, right away, all the way and no matter what.
Now it’s practice time! Give them a task to perform.
Example) “Becky, please take these two toys and put them where they belong.” Becky says cheerfully, “Yes, Mom.” When she finishes, she comes back and reports, “Mom, I put the toys away. Is there anything else I can do to help?” You encourage her with, “Thank you, Becky, for obeying cheerfully and right away!”
You can also use this time to practice all kinds of things like how to resolve an argument with a sibling, the best way to ask for a toy, how to sit quietly in church, what to do when a friend says something unkind, how to look an adult in the eye and carry on a conversation. Whatever you want to work on, use this time to practice it. The more you want to work on, the more often you schedule training time. If you have littler ones, you may want to set aside two nights a week. For older kids, once a week or every other week might do.
I will say try to make it a set night if possible. It will help you to remember and actually do it if you know it’s “Tuesday Training Time.”
I love how Mrs. Duggar puts it, “Practice makes progress!” That’s what we’re looking for, progress…not perfection.
Lastly, don’t forget to praise, encourage and thank your children when you see respectful, loving behavior. When someone praises you for something, doesn’t it make you want to do it again? And if we’re only correcting what we don’t like, they will become discouraged. They need to be assured that they are on the right track. “Thank you, Lucy, for showing love to your sister by sharing that toy!” “Wow, Cameron, what a kind boy you are!” “Good job, Molly, obeying so quickly! Thank you.”
While teaching first-time obedience calmly, consistently and in love will bring peace and order to your home, it is equally important to remember when Jesus said there was no greater commandment than to "'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength [and to] love your neighbor as yourself.'"
If our children are outwardly obedient but inwardly defiant, or outwardly respectful to you and others but don't love others, it is worthless. We lead first by example, then through teaching what the Word says and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives. Parenting is not a part-time job. It takes a lot of time, patience, love, and proactive, intentional teaching and training. What an awesome responsibility is ours. I want to be found faithful.
It’s been almost seven years since my husband and I were first introduced to the godly parenting information that changed our lives and the vision we have for our family. I don’t know where we’d be without it. I am so very grateful that God led a woman at our church (who is now my mentor) to facilitate a parenting class which was a series of videos by Reb Bradley of Family Ministries called Biblical Insights into Child Training. Since then I have worked with Mr. Bradley and even had the opportunity to have him stay with us recently. I love this man’s heart and am so grateful he has used his God-given gifts of wisdom and teaching to share with parents a biblical, practical, and counter-cultural way to raise up warriors for Christ. Thanks to him, I understand what the Bible means when it says that children are a blessing and reward.
By the way, Mr. Bradley has a new series called Parenting Teens with the Wisdom of Solomon. It's invaluable!
Thank-you, Jenny! I can personally attest to the effectiveness of diligent child training and discipline. (Because of Jenny taking the time to personally address some struggles our family was having, we tried out her (Reb's) methods. For some silly reason, we have strayed from that lately, which probably explains yesterday's post... Back on track!)
I would love to hear if you are going to start something new in your family because of any of the posts in this series! What are you going to try doing differently?
Why are some moms so angry?
What's the husband/fathers role in helping an angry mom?
How can we get discipline back under control?
And for today, What is child training and how do we do it? courtesy of Jenny.
I would like to add a couple of notes to my previous post…
1. When children learn to obey the majority of the time, they earn the right to respectfully appeal with something like, “Yes, Mom, may I finish this first?” or whatever is appropriate for the situation. However, appeals can’t follow every directive.
2. Never spank in anger. When you send the child to wait for you, that is your time to gather your thoughts, pray for wisdom and ask God to help you handle the situation calmly and lovingly. If you get frustrated because your child won’t admit what they did, take a break. It will give him/her time to think and you time to refocus. Gal. 6:1 reminds us if anyone is caught in a sin (i.e. disobeying parents), we are to restore them in a spirit of gentleness.
3. I mentioned checking your motive. Let me expound. If your motive is to pay your child back, to get out your frustration, to gain obedience because it is more convenient for you or because of any selfish reason, your motive is wrong. Teaching children the self-control to say no to themselves and yes to you will one day translate into them saying no to themselves and yes to God. Don’t we all wish we had more self-control not to say whatever we’re thinking, not to eat foods we know we shouldn’t, not to spend money we know isn’t within the budget? Self-control is a gift. And we can give this gift to our children through loving, consistent discipline which is aimed toward the child’s benefit, not ours.
4. I know that there are some who would read “spank in love” and scoff. That is just not something that is conceivable to them. I can understand that. Sin has tainted what biblical discipline should look like. People have been hurt and therefore have abandoned the truth of God’s word. Proverbs says, “Every word of God proves true.” Colossians 2:8 warns us not to be taken captive by the world’s hollow and deceptive philosophies because God has made foolish the wisdom of this world (I Cor. 1:20).
So on to Training and Encouragement…
Consistency in discipline is vitally important but
No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!
What does that mean? It means that you can give consequence after consequence but you will see a significant difference if you take the time to teach your child not only what to “put off” as Eph. 4 tells us but what to put on. Don’t athletes practice, practice, and practice some more before actually going out to compete? So why not give our children time to practice obeying during a fun, non-confrontational training time?
During training time, you can teach your kids what you mean by first-time obedience. Tell them what you’ve seen them doing: talking back, grumbling, ignoring, etc. You can even act out what you’ve seen them doing. This usually makes a huge impact and the kids think it’s hilarious seeing Mom and Dad acting like them. Next, explain using Scripture such as Ephesians 6:1-2 and Phil 2:14 why what they’ve been doing is wrong. Carefully explain and/or act out what you would like to see. Then let them know what the consequence will be if they don’t obey cheerfully, right away, all the way and no matter what.
Now it’s practice time! Give them a task to perform.
Example) “Becky, please take these two toys and put them where they belong.” Becky says cheerfully, “Yes, Mom.” When she finishes, she comes back and reports, “Mom, I put the toys away. Is there anything else I can do to help?” You encourage her with, “Thank you, Becky, for obeying cheerfully and right away!”
You can also use this time to practice all kinds of things like how to resolve an argument with a sibling, the best way to ask for a toy, how to sit quietly in church, what to do when a friend says something unkind, how to look an adult in the eye and carry on a conversation. Whatever you want to work on, use this time to practice it. The more you want to work on, the more often you schedule training time. If you have littler ones, you may want to set aside two nights a week. For older kids, once a week or every other week might do.
I will say try to make it a set night if possible. It will help you to remember and actually do it if you know it’s “Tuesday Training Time.”
I love how Mrs. Duggar puts it, “Practice makes progress!” That’s what we’re looking for, progress…not perfection.
Lastly, don’t forget to praise, encourage and thank your children when you see respectful, loving behavior. When someone praises you for something, doesn’t it make you want to do it again? And if we’re only correcting what we don’t like, they will become discouraged. They need to be assured that they are on the right track. “Thank you, Lucy, for showing love to your sister by sharing that toy!” “Wow, Cameron, what a kind boy you are!” “Good job, Molly, obeying so quickly! Thank you.”
While teaching first-time obedience calmly, consistently and in love will bring peace and order to your home, it is equally important to remember when Jesus said there was no greater commandment than to "'love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength [and to] love your neighbor as yourself.'"
If our children are outwardly obedient but inwardly defiant, or outwardly respectful to you and others but don't love others, it is worthless. We lead first by example, then through teaching what the Word says and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in their lives. Parenting is not a part-time job. It takes a lot of time, patience, love, and proactive, intentional teaching and training. What an awesome responsibility is ours. I want to be found faithful.
It’s been almost seven years since my husband and I were first introduced to the godly parenting information that changed our lives and the vision we have for our family. I don’t know where we’d be without it. I am so very grateful that God led a woman at our church (who is now my mentor) to facilitate a parenting class which was a series of videos by Reb Bradley of Family Ministries called Biblical Insights into Child Training. Since then I have worked with Mr. Bradley and even had the opportunity to have him stay with us recently. I love this man’s heart and am so grateful he has used his God-given gifts of wisdom and teaching to share with parents a biblical, practical, and counter-cultural way to raise up warriors for Christ. Thanks to him, I understand what the Bible means when it says that children are a blessing and reward.
By the way, Mr. Bradley has a new series called Parenting Teens with the Wisdom of Solomon. It's invaluable!
Thank-you, Jenny! I can personally attest to the effectiveness of diligent child training and discipline. (Because of Jenny taking the time to personally address some struggles our family was having, we tried out her (Reb's) methods. For some silly reason, we have strayed from that lately, which probably explains yesterday's post... Back on track!)
I would love to hear if you are going to start something new in your family because of any of the posts in this series! What are you going to try doing differently?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Enough Yelling Already
There has been WAY too much yelling going on in our house this past month. I don’t know about you, but when life gets kinda crazy, so do I... (keep reading)
I'm guest posting at Kingdom Twindom +1 today, so go on over and read the rest of the post there... And while you're there, hang out and read a little more. Sarah (aka Kingdom Mama) has five little monkeys (just like me, only a LOT younger) - two sets of twins + 1. She and her man (Papa Bear) have been to hell and back, and if you take the time to read a bit about how God completely redeemed their marriage, I KNOW you will be blessed!
I'm guest posting at Kingdom Twindom +1 today, so go on over and read the rest of the post there... And while you're there, hang out and read a little more. Sarah (aka Kingdom Mama) has five little monkeys (just like me, only a LOT younger) - two sets of twins + 1. She and her man (Papa Bear) have been to hell and back, and if you take the time to read a bit about how God completely redeemed their marriage, I KNOW you will be blessed!
Monday, September 27, 2010
How to Help an Angry Mom, part three *Guest Post*
Introduction
Part One
Part Two
I was blessed a couple years back to find a friend online who has a gift for parenting. (Seriously, she's not just good; she's gifted!) And it's a gift that she willingly shares with anyone who asks! Jenny currently has five gorgeous children whom she home schools. She and her husband, Roddy, have invested their lives in training their children. This spring, their family of seven will grow to a family of eleven - yes, eleven!!! Jenny is expecting blessings #6, 7, and 8 (not in her womb, but in her heart - their three daughter will be coming home from Ethiopia in the winter/ spring). Blessing #9 is also on the way, and is expected to make an appearance in April - this one is coming the traditional way, bringing Jenny the need for extra rest and eventually providing her with an attractive waddle.
For moms who struggle with anger, one of the feelings that overwhelms us is the sense of us and our children being "out of control." Getting it back under control takes some hard work, but it is work worth doing! If you are an angry mom, ask God to give you the energy and focus to try something new (trust me, these methods actually take less energy than yelling). If you are married to an angry mom, ask the Lord for the wisdom to begin this new thing in a way that will encourage and inspire your wife to follow suit.
I have been the recipient of Jenny's personalized advice for my family situation numerous times. If you do what she says, things will begin to change - I promise!
I was sitting on a transportation system at an amusement park not too long ago when the mom next to us angrily say to her son, “You have not obeyed me all day! I’ve had it! In fact, you haven’t listened to me in six years!” And she went on to inform him that he was going to start obeying right then.
What this mom didn’t know is that she was the one who taught her son not to obey. We’ve all done it. But we don’t even know it.
There are so many things that contribute to Mother Anger…fatigue, busyness, disorganization, hormones, isolation, pride, wrong expectations…the list is lengthy. But when it comes to the area of discipline, I think the biggest frustration is uncertainty. “What is the right thing to do?”
And if you are a follower of Jesus, you know you can’t just accept any old parenting philosophy. We know that our children have been entrusted to us by God.
I don’t know about you, but I want to please my Maker. I want to parent biblically. And I know that my God is not a God of confusion but of peace (I Cor 14:33). But you see, the world has bombarded us with messages that tell us the Word is not sufficient to answer all our questions. We need the “experts” to tell us what is best for our children. And those experts have left us in confusion and turmoil. We are frustrated and our children are frustrating
Personally, I think the One who made us and our children is the One we need to tell us how to parent. That said, what does God say and how do we apply it practically, daily?
And how did the frustrated mom at the amusement park accidentally teach her son to disobey? More than likely through inconsistency, lack of training (on her son’s part) and criticism.
Did you notice this verse does not exclude two year olds or strong-willed children?
You know it’s frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over again. Do we really have to count (1…2…3), threaten, bribe or yell to have our children obey us? Can we speak calmly and sweetly and expect our children to obey the first time? The answer is yes.
In our home obedience must be done Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way and No Matter What. Anything else is considered disobedience. When our children obey in this way, they are honoring us and will be blessed by God. I want this for my children.
The consequence for disobedience for children under 10, is a calm, private spanking (Prov 29:15).
Example) When you ask your child to do something and they don’t do it with a good attitude, right away, thoroughly and without excuse or comment, all you do is say (calmly), “Bobby, meet me in your room, please.” Don’t have a conversation at this point.
When you get to the room, you might say, “Did I ask you to put away your toys?” Bobby answers, “Yes.” Mom says, “Did you obey cheerfully (or whichever applies)?” Bobby says, “No.” Mom asks, “So what has to happen?” Bobby says, “I need a spanking.”
Spanking is about restoration, not alienation or abuse. Hug your child. Pray with him or her. Then teach them how to apologize specifically…”I’m sorry, Mom, for not obeying cheerfully.” Forgive him and make sure you both have a good attitude before leaving the room. Then, go back to your originally places and ask Bobby to clean up his toys again.
For children older than 10, there needs to be a consequence that relates to the disobedience. If you have told your child a time warning, “Five more minutes of computer time,” but when it comes time to get off, she argues, stalls, or huffs and puffs, the consequence could be missing her next computer time.
Important: No consequence should be extreme or about pay back. Three weeks off the computer would be extreme. Always watch your motive.
Consistency is key! If we ignore disobedience some of the time and discipline for it other times, our children will be confused and will always hope for the time you won’t bring a consequence. Discipline becomes more about the mood mom is in than about the fact that God has called children to obey and honor and has called parents to train them up (Eph 6:4).
And how much better to take care of an issue the first time, before we’re frustrated from repeating, threatening, etc. Having the mindset that nothing else is more important than training your children and dropping whatever we’re doing to take care of them will have eternal rewards.
So, discipline is obviously important but...
...more about child training from Jenny coming soon...
In my post Sort of ObedienceI mentioned that my children seldom obey me the first time I ask them to do something. I do believe we will be printing off a poster (as a reminder for the kids and ourselves) that quotes, "Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way, and No Matter What!" Thanks Jenny - as always, you have inspired me to change my inconsistent ways. I can't wait to learn about training our children!
Part One
Part Two
I was blessed a couple years back to find a friend online who has a gift for parenting. (Seriously, she's not just good; she's gifted!) And it's a gift that she willingly shares with anyone who asks! Jenny currently has five gorgeous children whom she home schools. She and her husband, Roddy, have invested their lives in training their children. This spring, their family of seven will grow to a family of eleven - yes, eleven!!! Jenny is expecting blessings #6, 7, and 8 (not in her womb, but in her heart - their three daughter will be coming home from Ethiopia in the winter/ spring). Blessing #9 is also on the way, and is expected to make an appearance in April - this one is coming the traditional way, bringing Jenny the need for extra rest and eventually providing her with an attractive waddle.
For moms who struggle with anger, one of the feelings that overwhelms us is the sense of us and our children being "out of control." Getting it back under control takes some hard work, but it is work worth doing! If you are an angry mom, ask God to give you the energy and focus to try something new (trust me, these methods actually take less energy than yelling). If you are married to an angry mom, ask the Lord for the wisdom to begin this new thing in a way that will encourage and inspire your wife to follow suit.
I have been the recipient of Jenny's personalized advice for my family situation numerous times. If you do what she says, things will begin to change - I promise!
I was sitting on a transportation system at an amusement park not too long ago when the mom next to us angrily say to her son, “You have not obeyed me all day! I’ve had it! In fact, you haven’t listened to me in six years!” And she went on to inform him that he was going to start obeying right then.
What this mom didn’t know is that she was the one who taught her son not to obey. We’ve all done it. But we don’t even know it.
There are so many things that contribute to Mother Anger…fatigue, busyness, disorganization, hormones, isolation, pride, wrong expectations…the list is lengthy. But when it comes to the area of discipline, I think the biggest frustration is uncertainty. “What is the right thing to do?”
And if you are a follower of Jesus, you know you can’t just accept any old parenting philosophy. We know that our children have been entrusted to us by God.
I don’t know about you, but I want to please my Maker. I want to parent biblically. And I know that my God is not a God of confusion but of peace (I Cor 14:33). But you see, the world has bombarded us with messages that tell us the Word is not sufficient to answer all our questions. We need the “experts” to tell us what is best for our children. And those experts have left us in confusion and turmoil. We are frustrated and our children are frustrating
Personally, I think the One who made us and our children is the One we need to tell us how to parent. That said, what does God say and how do we apply it practically, daily?
And how did the frustrated mom at the amusement park accidentally teach her son to disobey? More than likely through inconsistency, lack of training (on her son’s part) and criticism.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother...
~Ephesians 6:1-2
Did you notice this verse does not exclude two year olds or strong-willed children?
You know it’s frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over again. Do we really have to count (1…2…3), threaten, bribe or yell to have our children obey us? Can we speak calmly and sweetly and expect our children to obey the first time? The answer is yes.
In our home obedience must be done Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way and No Matter What. Anything else is considered disobedience. When our children obey in this way, they are honoring us and will be blessed by God. I want this for my children.
The consequence for disobedience for children under 10, is a calm, private spanking (Prov 29:15).
Example) When you ask your child to do something and they don’t do it with a good attitude, right away, thoroughly and without excuse or comment, all you do is say (calmly), “Bobby, meet me in your room, please.” Don’t have a conversation at this point.
When you get to the room, you might say, “Did I ask you to put away your toys?” Bobby answers, “Yes.” Mom says, “Did you obey cheerfully (or whichever applies)?” Bobby says, “No.” Mom asks, “So what has to happen?” Bobby says, “I need a spanking.”
Spanking is about restoration, not alienation or abuse. Hug your child. Pray with him or her. Then teach them how to apologize specifically…”I’m sorry, Mom, for not obeying cheerfully.” Forgive him and make sure you both have a good attitude before leaving the room. Then, go back to your originally places and ask Bobby to clean up his toys again.
For children older than 10, there needs to be a consequence that relates to the disobedience. If you have told your child a time warning, “Five more minutes of computer time,” but when it comes time to get off, she argues, stalls, or huffs and puffs, the consequence could be missing her next computer time.
Important: No consequence should be extreme or about pay back. Three weeks off the computer would be extreme. Always watch your motive.
Consistency is key! If we ignore disobedience some of the time and discipline for it other times, our children will be confused and will always hope for the time you won’t bring a consequence. Discipline becomes more about the mood mom is in than about the fact that God has called children to obey and honor and has called parents to train them up (Eph 6:4).
And how much better to take care of an issue the first time, before we’re frustrated from repeating, threatening, etc. Having the mindset that nothing else is more important than training your children and dropping whatever we’re doing to take care of them will have eternal rewards.
So, discipline is obviously important but...
No amount of discipline will make up for a lack of training!
...more about child training from Jenny coming soon...
In my post Sort of ObedienceI mentioned that my children seldom obey me the first time I ask them to do something. I do believe we will be printing off a poster (as a reminder for the kids and ourselves) that quotes, "Cheerfully, Right Away, All the Way, and No Matter What!" Thanks Jenny - as always, you have inspired me to change my inconsistent ways. I can't wait to learn about training our children!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
How to Help an Angry Mom, part two
If you haven't had a chance to read Monday's post, you'll want to do that first. Otherwise, this will make no sense!
Hi Hank,
I am so glad to know that you love your family like you do! Thank-you for being willing to accept help. The next words of advice I have are primarily for you. If something resonates and sounds like it will work, go for it! If something doesn't sit right, pray about it first. If it still isn't feeling like something that applies to you after some prayer, disregard it. :)
It's important to be aware of your God-ordained role. You are the dad, the husband, the leader. This means that, ultimately, God holds you responsible for the fruit of your family. You cannot change Donna or Buddy, but you can ensure that you are doing everything you can to influence your family for the better. Then, even if things do not improve, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you have carried out your duties well. So here are a few tips on how you can do your best, with or without Donna's cooperation...
1. Don't over-compensate. While your natural inclination is to protect Buddy, and you'd rather spare him more upset than you know he's already dealing with between him and mom, you must resist this inclination! Instead of "making up" for Donna's anger, you overlooking discipline issues simply confuses Buddy. He will begin to recognize that mom and dad expect different things and I guarantee you - he will manipulate you both with that knowledge!
2. Get on the same team. Right now you are on team Don't yell at the children and Donna is on team Why doesn't anybody listen to me? The team you need to be on is We are the parents and we are in control. We will work together and stand behind each other in all things at all times. Even when we think the other parent is over-reacting, we will stand together because we are on the same team.
The thing is, Donna is feeling disrespected by Buddy's behavioral outbursts. But because she's also tired and overwhelmed, and not feeling supported by her man, she has given up on trying to discipline. Instead, she resorts to yelling. At least that occasionally gets some results. What she needs is some good modelling in child training that occurs in a methodical and calm way.
This is where you come in. You can step in to exact discipline. Don't mistake this for taking over or getting between them; this is done in a way that communicates love and respect for your wife and her position of authority over your children. Every time you discipline Buddy for being disrespectful you are:
- communicating to Donna that you are on her team,
- communicating to your kids that you and mom are on the same team all the time,
- teaching your children right from wrong, and
- modelling for your wife a new way to discipline.
All of this without saying a word of criticism to your wife! (I'll offer a bit of strategy for discipline later on.)
3. Value her. There are three key ways that most women feel loved: words, effort, and time.
Words - Remember that Donna is probably filled with guilt and self-loathing for her struggle with anger. She needs to be told, over and over again, that she is a good mom. Tell her that you are glad she's your wife and the mom of your kids. Tell her you trust her. Tell her that she has been chosen by God for this job.
Effort - I don't know about you, but many hubbies like to "veg out" when they get home from work. If you choose to resist the temptation to zone out in front of the TV, and instead pitch in with whatever Donna is doing (cooking, bathing kids, tidying the house, etc.), you will tell her "I love you and value you" louder than a dozen bouquets of a dozen roses!
Time - Give her time for herself. Send her off to a spa, or for a shopping day, out for a girls' night, or just on a walk. This tells her that you see how hard she works. And a refreshed momma is a happy momma. (As well, a refreshed wife is a happy wife, if you get my drift.) P.S. This is where your sister can also help out. Nothing is more beautiful than a sitter who volunteers!
I realize that I've not really given you what you were looking for. Rather than a bunch of ideas on how to help Donna stop being angry, I've been telling you a lot of things you can do to change you. But here is the amazing thing about our God - He can completely restore a broken relationship with only one willing heart! The world tells us that "it takes two." The world is wrong. I can say this with such confidence because if God couldn't transform a relationship using only one person, I would not stand before you a woman married for 11 years. The more you work on you, the greater Donna's desire will be to work on herself. YOU, Hank, have the power to transform the way your family relates!
Part 3 - discipline - coming soon by a special guest blogger
Hi Hank,
I am so glad to know that you love your family like you do! Thank-you for being willing to accept help. The next words of advice I have are primarily for you. If something resonates and sounds like it will work, go for it! If something doesn't sit right, pray about it first. If it still isn't feeling like something that applies to you after some prayer, disregard it. :)
It's important to be aware of your God-ordained role. You are the dad, the husband, the leader. This means that, ultimately, God holds you responsible for the fruit of your family. You cannot change Donna or Buddy, but you can ensure that you are doing everything you can to influence your family for the better. Then, even if things do not improve, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you have carried out your duties well. So here are a few tips on how you can do your best, with or without Donna's cooperation...
1. Don't over-compensate. While your natural inclination is to protect Buddy, and you'd rather spare him more upset than you know he's already dealing with between him and mom, you must resist this inclination! Instead of "making up" for Donna's anger, you overlooking discipline issues simply confuses Buddy. He will begin to recognize that mom and dad expect different things and I guarantee you - he will manipulate you both with that knowledge!
2. Get on the same team. Right now you are on team Don't yell at the children and Donna is on team Why doesn't anybody listen to me? The team you need to be on is We are the parents and we are in control. We will work together and stand behind each other in all things at all times. Even when we think the other parent is over-reacting, we will stand together because we are on the same team.
The thing is, Donna is feeling disrespected by Buddy's behavioral outbursts. But because she's also tired and overwhelmed, and not feeling supported by her man, she has given up on trying to discipline. Instead, she resorts to yelling. At least that occasionally gets some results. What she needs is some good modelling in child training that occurs in a methodical and calm way.
This is where you come in. You can step in to exact discipline. Don't mistake this for taking over or getting between them; this is done in a way that communicates love and respect for your wife and her position of authority over your children. Every time you discipline Buddy for being disrespectful you are:
- communicating to Donna that you are on her team,
- communicating to your kids that you and mom are on the same team all the time,
- teaching your children right from wrong, and
- modelling for your wife a new way to discipline.
All of this without saying a word of criticism to your wife! (I'll offer a bit of strategy for discipline later on.)
3. Value her. There are three key ways that most women feel loved: words, effort, and time.
Words - Remember that Donna is probably filled with guilt and self-loathing for her struggle with anger. She needs to be told, over and over again, that she is a good mom. Tell her that you are glad she's your wife and the mom of your kids. Tell her you trust her. Tell her that she has been chosen by God for this job.
Effort - I don't know about you, but many hubbies like to "veg out" when they get home from work. If you choose to resist the temptation to zone out in front of the TV, and instead pitch in with whatever Donna is doing (cooking, bathing kids, tidying the house, etc.), you will tell her "I love you and value you" louder than a dozen bouquets of a dozen roses!
Time - Give her time for herself. Send her off to a spa, or for a shopping day, out for a girls' night, or just on a walk. This tells her that you see how hard she works. And a refreshed momma is a happy momma. (As well, a refreshed wife is a happy wife, if you get my drift.) P.S. This is where your sister can also help out. Nothing is more beautiful than a sitter who volunteers!
I realize that I've not really given you what you were looking for. Rather than a bunch of ideas on how to help Donna stop being angry, I've been telling you a lot of things you can do to change you. But here is the amazing thing about our God - He can completely restore a broken relationship with only one willing heart! The world tells us that "it takes two." The world is wrong. I can say this with such confidence because if God couldn't transform a relationship using only one person, I would not stand before you a woman married for 11 years. The more you work on you, the greater Donna's desire will be to work on herself. YOU, Hank, have the power to transform the way your family relates!
Part 3 - discipline - coming soon by a special guest blogger
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
How to See
I want to see. Really see. I don't want to merely look, but to see with eyes that take in the truth and a heart that understands.
It is not poverty or sorrow or pain or truth that I hide from. It is the very Spirit of God. I hide not because I do not want to see, but because I don't want to be seen. For I am destitute and starving, greedy for more. More money, more food, more clothes, more entertainment, more things. But if I am seen, those icky inner parts that I want to hide in the dark will be exposed.
In this moment, as my impoverished state is exposed raw, I remember. Like scenes from a movie reel, one by one, the memories scroll. Beautiful, broken people, truly starving. Literally hungry every moment of every day. A scraggly man sporting foul body odour on the boulevard with a cardboard sign. A dark-skinned girl with a round belly - not full, but bloated with starvation and parasites. Three-thousand images brought home from Haiti almost one year ago.
And I feel it again. The true, raw pain that sears the heart with the seeing. And I know this is why I've been hiding. I can hardly bear it, this eyes and heart wide-open feeling. Yet now that it's back, I can't understand how I ever lived without it.
I need to be seen. Really seen. We need to be seen. Because until we are torn and exposed ourselves, our eyes are blinded to the pain around us. We change the channel to avoid it, because we cannot understand. It is in being seen that we learn to see. To really see, with eyes, mind, heart, and spirit.
When we finally see - really see - only then can we be used as agents of healing...giving Life, Bread, and Living Water.
As a little girl, I would watch the hour-long TV specials put on by World Vision and weep. My insides torn apart and spilled out at the very thought of children starving to death. Now, I change the channel. I hide from the truth of this broken world.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?...I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me."
It is not poverty or sorrow or pain or truth that I hide from. It is the very Spirit of God. I hide not because I do not want to see, but because I don't want to be seen. For I am destitute and starving, greedy for more. More money, more food, more clothes, more entertainment, more things. But if I am seen, those icky inner parts that I want to hide in the dark will be exposed.
O LORD, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely O LORD.
I am seen. I am known. I am exposed. I was all along, but am just now realizing it. The inner darkness cannot be hidden. There is nowhere to hide that He is not there.
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
In this moment, as my impoverished state is exposed raw, I remember. Like scenes from a movie reel, one by one, the memories scroll. Beautiful, broken people, truly starving. Literally hungry every moment of every day. A scraggly man sporting foul body odour on the boulevard with a cardboard sign. A dark-skinned girl with a round belly - not full, but bloated with starvation and parasites. Three-thousand images brought home from Haiti almost one year ago.
And I feel it again. The true, raw pain that sears the heart with the seeing. And I know this is why I've been hiding. I can hardly bear it, this eyes and heart wide-open feeling. Yet now that it's back, I can't understand how I ever lived without it.
I need to be seen. Really seen. We need to be seen. Because until we are torn and exposed ourselves, our eyes are blinded to the pain around us. We change the channel to avoid it, because we cannot understand. It is in being seen that we learn to see. To really see, with eyes, mind, heart, and spirit.
When we finally see - really see - only then can we be used as agents of healing...giving Life, Bread, and Living Water.
All the days ordained for [every impoverished soul] were written in Your book before one of them came to be...You hem [us] in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon [us].
* all photos courtesy of CrossRoads' Haiti team, 2009
* Scripture from Psalm 139
Monday, September 20, 2010
How to Help an Angry Mom
(As promised last week.)
Not long ago, I received an email asking for some advice...
Here is part one of my reply...
Dear friend,
There are a number of things I can share with you that may be of help for your family. Let me start by helping you (and Hank) understand what Donna is experiencing and what her emotional needs are. Then, I'll share some specific tips that just apply to the husband/wife relationship and how Hank can really help Donna in practical terms.
1. First and foremost, Donna needs to know that she is not alone. The biggest part of the problem is that we are all so ashamed of our anger that we don't talk about it, therefore we all think we're alone. She needs to know that other moms have kids who are "spirited," that other moms feel like their kids live to push their buttons, that other moms don't know what to do or how to control their kids, and that other moms resort to swearing, screaming and more. Donna will not be free to even acknowledge that there is a problem until she experiences the freedom of knowing that she's not the only one.
2. Angry moms live in terror that they are being judged and that eventually someone is going to try to take their children away. It is imperative that Donna feel reassured that you and Hank really believe she is the best mom for her children and that you don't think she should have her children taken away. You say that she seems unhappy - that is because she hates herself, hates who she's become, and hates that she seems powerless to change. Donna will not be able to receive advice from anyone who she feels is judging her, as her instinct will be self-preservation.
3. What she really needs is prayer, love, and understanding. While it may feel counter-intuitive to "sit back and do nothing," constantly trying to "do something" can actually escalate the problem. Sometimes it's good to step back and do the work through prayer. Praying accomplishes two things: as you and and pray for Donna's temper and Buddy's behavior, God will work in their hearts; and praying will soften your hearts towards Donna and Buddy, giving you greater compassion and understanding.
4. She is not really angry, but feels alone and overwhelmed. When we, as mothers, find ourselves "losing it" on our kids repeatedly we feel out-of-control and as if our kids are out-of-control.
What can often happen in families is that, because dad goes to work and leaves the parenting stuff up to mom, he also leaves the parenting to her once he's home. It's a huge compliment and an act of trust, really, as he feels that she is good at this job and she knows what she's doing. Two unfortunate issues arise when this happnes. First, mom begins to resent dad because she doesn't feel he is helping with discipline (which he is only doing because he thinks she's better at it). As mom's resentment grows, so does her general frustration and anger. Eventually, dad's confidence morphs into disengagement.
His thinking begins to shift from, "She can do it!" to "Why can't she do it?" And his frustration grows with the observation that it would seem she can't do it, and she puts demands on him to help. At this point, some men begin to feel a sense of entitlement and resentment. "I work hard and deserve to rest when I get home. Why should I have to deal with this kid's behavior? It's her problem."
Please don't get me wrong! I am in no way saying that mom's anger is dad's fault. And I certainly cannot say for certain that this is what is happening with Donna and Hank. But while dad cannot do anything to help (or force) mom to change her hollerin' ways, he can take a good look at his own behavior to see if he is, in any way, contributing to the problem. He can't change her, but he can change himself!
The rest of my message will be words just for Hank and how he can help Donna and Buddy.
to be continued...
Not long ago, I received an email asking for some advice...
My brother and sister-in-law are really struggling with my 3-year-old nephew, Buddy. Donna generally deals with her son by screaming and yelling at him. This in turn makes him scream and yell back. It's a vicious cycle really. Her tolerance level for him has reduced so significantly, it seems Buddy can't do anything without being yelled at. Things are getting so bad, my family does not want to go out to dinner or on vacation with them because it always turns into an embarrassing yelling match between Donna and a 3-year-old.
It feels like Donna is always in a bad mood and it is causing stress in their marriage. My brother is begging me to talk to her because Donna and I have been best friends for years, even before she and my brother started dating. He thinks she will take it to heart if she hears it from me. Hank is so good with the kids, almost too good. I think he is more slack because he tries to make up for Donna's behaviour. He has tried talking to her several times but they always end up in a fight. She changes her attitude for a few days, but always returns to the same behavior.
I am concerned because I imagine parents do not like getting advice from someone who does not have kids, lol. I want to talk to her about it because I am very concerned that if things don't change soon, it will ruin their marriage and her relationship with her son. She doesn't seem to get it when her husband talks to her about it. Anyway I guess I am asking for advice. I don't really know where to start or what to say to her that won't cause a fight between us. I am also wondering if you can recommend any books or other materials that could help her.
It may sound like it from what I have written, but Donna is not a monster. I truly believe she loves her son, she just doesn't know how to deal with her own emotions and ends up taking it out on him. Buddy has wicked freakouts, kicking screaming, hitting and biting and she really just doesn't know how to deal beyond screaming and yelling at him. I want to help her, I think she is asking for help, she just doesn't know what to do anymore. I know you are writing a book on the same topic and am hoping you can help me help her :)
*all names changed
Here is part one of my reply...
Dear friend,
There are a number of things I can share with you that may be of help for your family. Let me start by helping you (and Hank) understand what Donna is experiencing and what her emotional needs are. Then, I'll share some specific tips that just apply to the husband/wife relationship and how Hank can really help Donna in practical terms.
1. First and foremost, Donna needs to know that she is not alone. The biggest part of the problem is that we are all so ashamed of our anger that we don't talk about it, therefore we all think we're alone. She needs to know that other moms have kids who are "spirited," that other moms feel like their kids live to push their buttons, that other moms don't know what to do or how to control their kids, and that other moms resort to swearing, screaming and more. Donna will not be free to even acknowledge that there is a problem until she experiences the freedom of knowing that she's not the only one.
2. Angry moms live in terror that they are being judged and that eventually someone is going to try to take their children away. It is imperative that Donna feel reassured that you and Hank really believe she is the best mom for her children and that you don't think she should have her children taken away. You say that she seems unhappy - that is because she hates herself, hates who she's become, and hates that she seems powerless to change. Donna will not be able to receive advice from anyone who she feels is judging her, as her instinct will be self-preservation.
3. What she really needs is prayer, love, and understanding. While it may feel counter-intuitive to "sit back and do nothing," constantly trying to "do something" can actually escalate the problem. Sometimes it's good to step back and do the work through prayer. Praying accomplishes two things: as you and and pray for Donna's temper and Buddy's behavior, God will work in their hearts; and praying will soften your hearts towards Donna and Buddy, giving you greater compassion and understanding.
4. She is not really angry, but feels alone and overwhelmed. When we, as mothers, find ourselves "losing it" on our kids repeatedly we feel out-of-control and as if our kids are out-of-control.
What can often happen in families is that, because dad goes to work and leaves the parenting stuff up to mom, he also leaves the parenting to her once he's home. It's a huge compliment and an act of trust, really, as he feels that she is good at this job and she knows what she's doing. Two unfortunate issues arise when this happnes. First, mom begins to resent dad because she doesn't feel he is helping with discipline (which he is only doing because he thinks she's better at it). As mom's resentment grows, so does her general frustration and anger. Eventually, dad's confidence morphs into disengagement.
His thinking begins to shift from, "She can do it!" to "Why can't she do it?" And his frustration grows with the observation that it would seem she can't do it, and she puts demands on him to help. At this point, some men begin to feel a sense of entitlement and resentment. "I work hard and deserve to rest when I get home. Why should I have to deal with this kid's behavior? It's her problem."
Please don't get me wrong! I am in no way saying that mom's anger is dad's fault. And I certainly cannot say for certain that this is what is happening with Donna and Hank. But while dad cannot do anything to help (or force) mom to change her hollerin' ways, he can take a good look at his own behavior to see if he is, in any way, contributing to the problem. He can't change her, but he can change himself!
The rest of my message will be words just for Hank and how he can help Donna and Buddy.
to be continued...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The High Calling
Hey friends,
Did you notice the new badge on my sidebar (just below my facebook badge)? I've joined up with a network called High Calling Blogs (thanks to my dear friend Angela for sending me over to check them out).
Why? you ask. Well, I have a few reasons.
First, I love connecting with like-minded Jesus-followers on the world wide web! I like to hang out and read posts that encourage me and challenge me in my walk with the Lord. This is a good place to do that!
Second, I believe in their vision - to use new media tools to create opportunities for people to encounter God for the transformation of daily life, work, and the world. That is one of the very reasons I started this blog (besides wanting to leave a heritage for my children) - to extend my reach in ministry to women. Who better to help me walk the path that God has called me to than a bunch of other bloggers following after their high calling?!
Third, because I believe that partnering with a couple of quality, Godly, well-established Christian communities will be helpful to me as I work to build and grow my platform. Without a wide and strong platform to stand on, many a good writer's work won't make the cut. I am passionate about helping other mothers finding freedom from anger; I believe that my life and faith experiences will help show them the way to freedom; I want them to have the opportunity to read Mommy, why are you angry? - and getting that book published, unfortunately, requires that I do more than just write the book (I've got to "sell" it, too).
I hope that you will pop over to High Calling Blogs to see what their (our) community has to offer. I am thrilled to consider myself "part of the family" now!
Did you notice the new badge on my sidebar (just below my facebook badge)? I've joined up with a network called High Calling Blogs (thanks to my dear friend Angela for sending me over to check them out).
Why? you ask. Well, I have a few reasons.
First, I love connecting with like-minded Jesus-followers on the world wide web! I like to hang out and read posts that encourage me and challenge me in my walk with the Lord. This is a good place to do that!
Second, I believe in their vision - to use new media tools to create opportunities for people to encounter God for the transformation of daily life, work, and the world. That is one of the very reasons I started this blog (besides wanting to leave a heritage for my children) - to extend my reach in ministry to women. Who better to help me walk the path that God has called me to than a bunch of other bloggers following after their high calling?!
Third, because I believe that partnering with a couple of quality, Godly, well-established Christian communities will be helpful to me as I work to build and grow my platform. Without a wide and strong platform to stand on, many a good writer's work won't make the cut. I am passionate about helping other mothers finding freedom from anger; I believe that my life and faith experiences will help show them the way to freedom; I want them to have the opportunity to read Mommy, why are you angry? - and getting that book published, unfortunately, requires that I do more than just write the book (I've got to "sell" it, too).
I hope that you will pop over to High Calling Blogs to see what their (our) community has to offer. I am thrilled to consider myself "part of the family" now!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Obsessed by Unbelief
(The post I mentioned yesterday - you know, the one for friends and spouses of women who struggle with anger - is gonna have to wait 'til Monday. Something came up and I had to get it out today!)
In my life, I have noticed a direct link between worry and prayer. I believe it's referred to as an inverse relationship. That is, when I am filled with worry over something, chances are good that I haven't been praying about it very much.
I have spent many mornings this month confessing my worry to the Lord and asking Him to replace my fretting thoughts with the peace and truth of His Word. But not until this very moment did it occur to me what is really going on...
First, all the while I've been calling it "worry" or "fear" or "fretting." The plain truth is that what I am allowing to go on in my mind is nothing short of unbelief. I am not believing that:
- God is who He says He is, and
- God can do what He says He can do. *
I have allowed my heart and mind to slip away from, what I believe, are the foundational truths of my faith.
Second, I have become obsessed. "What we allow our minds to dwell on, there our hearts will be also." (I feel as though that should be in quotes, because I'm certain they're not my words. But for the life of me I cannot recall who said them or where they might be in the Bible. Feel free to fill in the blank.) My thoughts have been so focused on this one "problem" that it has become this thing that I am constantly thinking about. I wish that I were as obsessed with God as I have become over this small issue. Imagine if all I could think about all the time were God and His Word!
Third, (and I don't know why it has taken several weeks for this to occur to me) this is a spiritual battle. Given all the God-sized plans we see in our family's future (missions trip, speaking to women, new church connections, and more), I guess it's not surprising that the enemy would try to come at us. But if I know anything about spiritual warfare, it's this - victory is ours! All that we need to do is claim the authority we have been given in Christ and the enemy will be utterly defeated!
While this post was written mostly for my own benefit (first I live it, then I write it, then I process it), I will say that your prayers for our family would not go to waste. Thanks for listening, friends.
Can I pray for you? If there is anything I can pray for you about, please let me know (either in the comments or via email). It would be an honour to lift up your needs before the Lord. And goodness knows I need to get my heart and mind focused on something other than myself! Sheesh!
* From Beth Moore's "Believing God." (If you've never done this study, you should! Foundational, faith-growing, life changing.)
In my life, I have noticed a direct link between worry and prayer. I believe it's referred to as an inverse relationship. That is, when I am filled with worry over something, chances are good that I haven't been praying about it very much.
I have spent many mornings this month confessing my worry to the Lord and asking Him to replace my fretting thoughts with the peace and truth of His Word. But not until this very moment did it occur to me what is really going on...
First, all the while I've been calling it "worry" or "fear" or "fretting." The plain truth is that what I am allowing to go on in my mind is nothing short of unbelief. I am not believing that:
- God is who He says He is, and
- God can do what He says He can do. *
I have allowed my heart and mind to slip away from, what I believe, are the foundational truths of my faith.
Second, I have become obsessed. "What we allow our minds to dwell on, there our hearts will be also." (I feel as though that should be in quotes, because I'm certain they're not my words. But for the life of me I cannot recall who said them or where they might be in the Bible. Feel free to fill in the blank.) My thoughts have been so focused on this one "problem" that it has become this thing that I am constantly thinking about. I wish that I were as obsessed with God as I have become over this small issue. Imagine if all I could think about all the time were God and His Word!
Third, (and I don't know why it has taken several weeks for this to occur to me) this is a spiritual battle. Given all the God-sized plans we see in our family's future (missions trip, speaking to women, new church connections, and more), I guess it's not surprising that the enemy would try to come at us. But if I know anything about spiritual warfare, it's this - victory is ours! All that we need to do is claim the authority we have been given in Christ and the enemy will be utterly defeated!
While this post was written mostly for my own benefit (first I live it, then I write it, then I process it), I will say that your prayers for our family would not go to waste. Thanks for listening, friends.
Can I pray for you? If there is anything I can pray for you about, please let me know (either in the comments or via email). It would be an honour to lift up your needs before the Lord. And goodness knows I need to get my heart and mind focused on something other than myself! Sheesh!
* From Beth Moore's "Believing God." (If you've never done this study, you should! Foundational, faith-growing, life changing.)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks (revisited)
Thank-you for stopping by. I pray that my story, at the very least, has shown you that you are not alone! This mothering thing can be so hard, and it's okay to admit that we aren't perfect.
Today, you will find that I've added some tips for moms dealing with anger. If you stop by again tomorrow, I'll have some tips for others (that is, for those whose spouse or friend or relative struggles with anger). I do hope that you'll come back!
If you'd like to share your thoughts, you can leave a comment at the end of this post. (Please do! You have no idea how much I love your comments! They are my encouragement and source of inspiration.) To leave a comment, simply click on the word "comments" at the end of the post. Then follow the instructions in the pop-up window. If you don't have a google account, or would rather not leave your name, just click "anonymous."
The other morning I was supervising Braeden (12) as he went through his morning routine. Because of his cerebral palsy, Braeden's motor control isn't always the greatest, and I suspected that he wasn't doing the best job brushing his teeth. I was watching and coaching, "Okay, now the bottom. Do the back part. No, not there, the inside. Okay, now the outside. No, no, no, here!" He brushed the same areas over and over again, missing the same two spots with every back-and-forth of the brush. It was clear to me that this was not really a motor control issue, but more of a pre-teen laziness thing. My jaw clenched just a little bit as my frustration mounted.
I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.
I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...
And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.
I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."
As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.
How to stop anger in its tracks:
1. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.
2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.
3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*
4. Breathe.
5. Pay attention to the times of day (or month) that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).
6. Always ask for forgiveness.
7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.
Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!
* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Good Fruit: a series, week one
Alternately titled:
Growing Together in the Fruit of the Spirit.
I am the vine, you are the branches. If you stay joined to Me, and I stay joined to you, then you will produce lots of fruit. But you cannot do anything without Me. ~John 15:5 (CEV)
For several days, I have been pondering what it means to remain in God. I have been studying it in my Bible and on biblegateway, I have been praying about it and mulling it over, so that I can produce a meaningful blog post to introduce this series.
The fact is, while studying God's Word is a vital part of growing in knowledge and understanding, we are a visual people who learn best through the tangible. I believe we need to see what it might look like to abide in Christ in order to implement change in our own lives.
Who is the woman that abides?
- She is confident of her standing in God's family. She is a princess, daughter of the King, and she knows it.
- She believes God's Word to be absolutely true, and trusts in His faithfulness.
- She faces adversity with a sense of strength, hope, peace, and expectation.
- She is unaware of society's standards for beauty and success.
- She has joy in her heart and reflected on her face, at all times and in all circumstances.
- She knows when to speak and when to shut up.
- She has fun.
- She is liked by all simply because she likes them.
- She is not full of worry, fear, anxiety, or sorrow.
- She does the work that God has called her to with confidence and humility.
- She spends more time thinking about others than herself.
- She is generous with her time and resources.
The woman who stays joined to Christ doesn't just do good things. She doesn't check off spiritual disciplines from her "to do" list. The woman lives in Him (and He in her) is different on the inside. She has a heart attitude that reflects her relationship.
The secret to bearing good fruit is not praying 24/7, reading the Bible daily, memorizing Scripture, or doing good works. Those are all good things that we sure should aspire to do, but we can do all those things and still only produce fruit that withers and dies.
The secret to growing good fruit to full ripeness resides in our hearts - it is about having a love relationship with the One who nourishes our roots. When we are rooted in Christ and we allow our identity - our worth, our value, our calling - to be determined by nothing other than who He says we are, the branches of our lives will be weighed down by lush, fragrant fruit!
What would you say is the #1 characteristic of a woman who abides?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sort-Of Obedience
My kids like to push most things to the limits, and obeying mom is no exception. They want to see how wide the boundaries are when it comes to listening, hearing, and doing. There are three favored tactics used for "stretching" obedience in our home.
The delay:
One phrase I am beginning to hear too much of is, "Just a minute!" Don't get me wrong, I'm not an irrational dictator - if someone asks for another minute (to finish what they're engaged in before doing the task I'm asking) I am usually happy to oblige. It's the assumption that another minute is always available that grates this momma's nerves.
The ignore:
Ignoring is really nothing more than another delay tactic, as obedience will be enforced eventually. Depending on which child I'm dealing with, ignoring may look like a complete "zone out" (for example, a particular adolescent in front of the TV, who is incapable of muttering a word in response while his favorite programming is on) or more like a distance issue, "I didn't hear you!"
I, on the other hand, am a fan of first-time obedience. The problem is actually making it happen. (By the way, I'm totally open to suggestions on how to actually make first-time obedience a reality!) If my walls could talk, they would likely repeat the refrain, "I shouldn't have to tell you fifteen times. Your job is to listen and obey the first time." (Yes, I tend to exaggerate.)
The partial:
Partial obedience can take the form be a job that gets half done, or done but not properly. Sometimes it's yet another version of the delay ("Yes, I was just doing it right now."). Most often, it looks like "optional" obedience. An example would be when I ask someone to "Do their jobs." They know what this means, they know the list of jobs for morning and evening. Yet they choose to only do one or two of those jobs, and when asked if they've done their jobs the answer is, "Yes." But with further digging the truth is uncovered.
While there are also instances of blatant disobedience (as in, "Don't color on the walls!" followed by blue and purple swirls marking the hallway - yes, real example), most times disobedience takes the form of sort-of obedience - the delay, the ignore, and the partial. And I don't believe that the intent behind sort-of obedience is truly to disobey and disregard what I'm asking so much as it is rooted in the desire to do good, but on their own terms, timeline, and in their own way.
I read a story today about disobedience...
God told King Saul (through the prophet Samuel) to "attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them." Saul and his army did as they were commanded and attacked, but they "spared [King] Agag and the best of the sheep and the cattle..."
Saul wasn't trying to be disobedient. But God's way didn't totally make sense to him. I mean, why destroy all the good livestock?! Why not keep some for ourselves? And of course, some to offer up to the Lord. Saul was sort-of obedient.
God didn't see it that way.
Sort-of obedience is still disobedience. God calls it rebellion and arrogance and equates it to divination and idolatry. (If you recall, the first of the ten commandments is about idolatry - "...no other gods before Me.") Disobedience is that bad!
All this has got me thinking about my own areas of sort-of obedience...
How often to I hear the Lord tell me to do something - like reading the Word with the kids around the dinner table (or to stop doing something - like nagging my hubby about something that bugs me) - and I put it off? I'll start on Monday...
How often do I sense God calling me to make a big change or sacrifice - like getting rid of TV for a season - and I ignore Him? I didn't hear that right... That wasn't really God... Surely He didn't mean... (Oooh, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?!)
How often does He ask me to do a job for Him - like write a book - and I stop (or take an "extended break") before the work is complete? I think this much is good enough...
I think the first step in training my children to obey completely and immediately is probably for me to show them how it's done.
What about you? Is there something God has been calling you to do (or stop doing) that you've been only sort-of obedient in?
The delay:
One phrase I am beginning to hear too much of is, "Just a minute!" Don't get me wrong, I'm not an irrational dictator - if someone asks for another minute (to finish what they're engaged in before doing the task I'm asking) I am usually happy to oblige. It's the assumption that another minute is always available that grates this momma's nerves.
The ignore:
Ignoring is really nothing more than another delay tactic, as obedience will be enforced eventually. Depending on which child I'm dealing with, ignoring may look like a complete "zone out" (for example, a particular adolescent in front of the TV, who is incapable of muttering a word in response while his favorite programming is on) or more like a distance issue, "I didn't hear you!"
I, on the other hand, am a fan of first-time obedience. The problem is actually making it happen. (By the way, I'm totally open to suggestions on how to actually make first-time obedience a reality!) If my walls could talk, they would likely repeat the refrain, "I shouldn't have to tell you fifteen times. Your job is to listen and obey the first time." (Yes, I tend to exaggerate.)
The partial:
Partial obedience can take the form be a job that gets half done, or done but not properly. Sometimes it's yet another version of the delay ("Yes, I was just doing it right now."). Most often, it looks like "optional" obedience. An example would be when I ask someone to "Do their jobs." They know what this means, they know the list of jobs for morning and evening. Yet they choose to only do one or two of those jobs, and when asked if they've done their jobs the answer is, "Yes." But with further digging the truth is uncovered.
While there are also instances of blatant disobedience (as in, "Don't color on the walls!" followed by blue and purple swirls marking the hallway - yes, real example), most times disobedience takes the form of sort-of obedience - the delay, the ignore, and the partial. And I don't believe that the intent behind sort-of obedience is truly to disobey and disregard what I'm asking so much as it is rooted in the desire to do good, but on their own terms, timeline, and in their own way.
I read a story today about disobedience...
God told King Saul (through the prophet Samuel) to "attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them." Saul and his army did as they were commanded and attacked, but they "spared [King] Agag and the best of the sheep and the cattle..."
Saul wasn't trying to be disobedient. But God's way didn't totally make sense to him. I mean, why destroy all the good livestock?! Why not keep some for ourselves? And of course, some to offer up to the Lord. Saul was sort-of obedient.
God didn't see it that way.
Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD,
He has rejected you...
~1 Samuel 15:22-23
Sort-of obedience is still disobedience. God calls it rebellion and arrogance and equates it to divination and idolatry. (If you recall, the first of the ten commandments is about idolatry - "...no other gods before Me.") Disobedience is that bad!
All this has got me thinking about my own areas of sort-of obedience...
How often to I hear the Lord tell me to do something - like reading the Word with the kids around the dinner table (or to stop doing something - like nagging my hubby about something that bugs me) - and I put it off? I'll start on Monday...
How often do I sense God calling me to make a big change or sacrifice - like getting rid of TV for a season - and I ignore Him? I didn't hear that right... That wasn't really God... Surely He didn't mean... (Oooh, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?!)
How often does He ask me to do a job for Him - like write a book - and I stop (or take an "extended break") before the work is complete? I think this much is good enough...
I think the first step in training my children to obey completely and immediately is probably for me to show them how it's done.
What about you? Is there something God has been calling you to do (or stop doing) that you've been only sort-of obedient in?
Monday, September 13, 2010
Hearing the Lord
"God said..."
"I heard God tell me..."
"God spoke to me..."
I remember hearing other Christians use those phrases when my faith was new to me and wondering how that all worked. Did they mean that God actually talked?! Did they hear a big, booming voice from above?
Somewhere along the way, I came to the understanding that people were not actually referring to hearing voices in their heads. Rather, hearing God was more about the heart. "Sensing" in your heart that God was trying to speak to you, whether through His Word, through a song or a sermon, through the words of a friend, and the like. I am now one of those people who tends to say, "God told me to..."
In my quiet time this morning, the study guide I am using posed a question: When was the first time you heard God speak to you?
I can't really remember the first time. I remember before, and I know after, but that first moment eludes me.
How about you? When was the first time you heard God speak to you?
"I heard God tell me..."
"God spoke to me..."
I remember hearing other Christians use those phrases when my faith was new to me and wondering how that all worked. Did they mean that God actually talked?! Did they hear a big, booming voice from above?
Somewhere along the way, I came to the understanding that people were not actually referring to hearing voices in their heads. Rather, hearing God was more about the heart. "Sensing" in your heart that God was trying to speak to you, whether through His Word, through a song or a sermon, through the words of a friend, and the like. I am now one of those people who tends to say, "God told me to..."
In my quiet time this morning, the study guide I am using posed a question: When was the first time you heard God speak to you?
I can't really remember the first time. I remember before, and I know after, but that first moment eludes me.
How about you? When was the first time you heard God speak to you?
Friday, September 10, 2010
R & R?
Yesterday around noon I began feeling a little sniffly. Within the hour I noticed that my throat was a bit sore. Before the clock struck the next half hour, my head began pulsating from its inner cavities. Hello, fall head cold!
I hate being sick. Nothing is worse than feeling both gross AND useless. Yet I suspect that, at times, it is exactly what I need.
I am always first in line to offer a new mom advice, "Nap lots. Ignore the housework - you can get caught up later. For now, make sure you get enough rest." Taking that same advice in my own life, though, feels frivolous. After all, I am not a new mom. I am not even a particularly busy mom of little ones anymore (come on, I have two mornings per week child-free!).
We live in a "go, go, go" culture and it is uncommon (scorned, even) when people take the time to stop and rest. But God calls us to rest. In fact, He commands us to take one day per week, set it aside, make it Holy, do no work, and rest in His presence. (see Exodus 20:8)
As much as being sick stinks, I am going to do my best to look at it as a blessing - an opportunity for rest. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that God caused me to be sick, but I do believe He is using it to remind me of what my body and soul need on a regular basis. I wonder, if I took time to rest regularly, would have gotten sick at all? Hmmm...
I hate being sick. Nothing is worse than feeling both gross AND useless. Yet I suspect that, at times, it is exactly what I need.
I am always first in line to offer a new mom advice, "Nap lots. Ignore the housework - you can get caught up later. For now, make sure you get enough rest." Taking that same advice in my own life, though, feels frivolous. After all, I am not a new mom. I am not even a particularly busy mom of little ones anymore (come on, I have two mornings per week child-free!).
We live in a "go, go, go" culture and it is uncommon (scorned, even) when people take the time to stop and rest. But God calls us to rest. In fact, He commands us to take one day per week, set it aside, make it Holy, do no work, and rest in His presence. (see Exodus 20:8)
As much as being sick stinks, I am going to do my best to look at it as a blessing - an opportunity for rest. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that God caused me to be sick, but I do believe He is using it to remind me of what my body and soul need on a regular basis. I wonder, if I took time to rest regularly, would have gotten sick at all? Hmmm...
The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." ~Exodus 33:14
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Apples and Oranges and Bananas, Oh My!
In my quiet times lately, a couple verses keep coming back to me...
Like I said, these verses keep coming back to me. In my listening time, God has been repeatedly reminding me to remain in Him so that I can bear good fruit. Then the list of the fruits of the Spirit dances around in my thoughts. (Not unlike the visions of sugar plumbs that the children see in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas; hence the title of the post, and yes - I do believe I am a bit sleep-deprived this morning!)
For the next ten weeks, I am going to pour myself into studying God's Word on these things (one week on understanding what it is to remain, nine weeks on the fruits). I'd love for you to join me. Who am I kidding?! If you come and read regularly, you have no choice! Bwahahahaha! Kidding - you obviously do have a choice. I just hope you will choose to dig into God's Word with me.
Here's how it will look... I'm going to make it a little series of one post per week. There will be no set day, as I want to let God lead. If I need an entire week in His Word to understand a little bit about patience, then the post will show up on Friday. If I walk smack-dab into revelation about self-control (sure, that'll happen) on Monday you'll see a post early in the week. (I realize you may not be too concerned about which day of the week the post appears on. Really, this paragraph was written for me. Because being random goes pretty strongly against my order-oriented grain. So I need a little time to wrap my head around the concept. Mkay?)
In the posts I will share verses I find, thoughts I have, questions that come up. I'd like for it to be an interactive thing, so please share your thoughts, verses, and questions in the comments. (Honestly, you people have no idea how much I love it when you comment! It warms my heart. Seriously. I an affirmation junkie.)
I am already learning some lessons on patience this morning, as everyone was up at 6am and has been coming in my office asking for things for an hour! Sorry, I tend to go off on rabbit trails like that when I am repeatedly interrupted.
Back on topic now. Oh wait, never mind. The end. :)
I am the vine; you are the branches. If a [wo]man remains in me and I in [her] she will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ~John 15:5and
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ~Galatians 5:22-23On a bit of a side note - both of these verses were memory verses for me in 2009. I just tried to type them from memory. I do believe it would be a good time to review last year's verses!
Like I said, these verses keep coming back to me. In my listening time, God has been repeatedly reminding me to remain in Him so that I can bear good fruit. Then the list of the fruits of the Spirit dances around in my thoughts. (Not unlike the visions of sugar plumbs that the children see in 'Twas the Night Before Christmas; hence the title of the post, and yes - I do believe I am a bit sleep-deprived this morning!)
For the next ten weeks, I am going to pour myself into studying God's Word on these things (one week on understanding what it is to remain, nine weeks on the fruits). I'd love for you to join me. Who am I kidding?! If you come and read regularly, you have no choice! Bwahahahaha! Kidding - you obviously do have a choice. I just hope you will choose to dig into God's Word with me.
Here's how it will look... I'm going to make it a little series of one post per week. There will be no set day, as I want to let God lead. If I need an entire week in His Word to understand a little bit about patience, then the post will show up on Friday. If I walk smack-dab into revelation about self-control (sure, that'll happen) on Monday you'll see a post early in the week. (I realize you may not be too concerned about which day of the week the post appears on. Really, this paragraph was written for me. Because being random goes pretty strongly against my order-oriented grain. So I need a little time to wrap my head around the concept. Mkay?)
In the posts I will share verses I find, thoughts I have, questions that come up. I'd like for it to be an interactive thing, so please share your thoughts, verses, and questions in the comments. (Honestly, you people have no idea how much I love it when you comment! It warms my heart. Seriously. I an affirmation junkie.)
I am already learning some lessons on patience this morning, as everyone was up at 6am and has been coming in my office asking for things for an hour! Sorry, I tend to go off on rabbit trails like that when I am repeatedly interrupted.
Back on topic now. Oh wait, never mind. The end. :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
New Beginnings
There's a whole lotta new stuff going on in the Rowan household this fall. I'm not sure you really want to know all about it, but I'm going to pretend that you do. Okay? :)
Shea (5) has started Kindergarten! She loves it, thinks it's super cool, and is especially enamoured with the bus. Five mornings per week, four of my children are at school. Wow!
Malakai (3 next week) has had his first visit to Preschool! Starting next Tuesday, he will begin attending two mornings per week. Two mornings per week, five of my children are in school. (Yes, that's all of them.) Unbelievable!
Pat is preparing to return to Haiti this fall (he was there last fall as well). Last year they were laboring to put the finishing touches on the trade school run by Haiti Arise Ministries. This year they will be hard at work rebuilding the homes of the HAM staff and community members, as well as possibly working on an elementary school. The trade school had to be demolished after the earthquake, and HAM will be rebuilding it eventually.
(On a side note, in order to serve on this missions trip, each team member is required to fund raise his or her own support. They each need approximately $2000 for the whole trip and it needs to be in by September 26th. With two and a half weeks remaining, we are sitting about $1200 shy of meeting our fundraising goal. If you just read those words and felt God nudging your heart, please email me to find out how to partner with our family in sending Pat out to share the love of Jesus in Haiti.)
Our family has found a church home. Finally! After being so involved for so many years, it was not an easy task to find a new church! We are waiting to get connected in a small group and I have hopped on board with the women's ministry. The kids love it there and the Pastor is a man who is not afraid to preach the Truth straight from God's Word!
In just over a month I will be speaking on Mommy, Why are you Angry? at the Freshwind Women's Conference (in a breakout session). I am both thrilled and terrified, yet resting assured that God is in complete control.
There are, of course, a million other new things about to begin - dance lessons, skating lessons, karate, hockey, and zumba... But we've all got that kind of crazy, don't we?! What is God doing NEW in your life this fall? Is He calling you to a new ministry? Blessing you with a new addition? Moving you to a new home? Showering you anew with His grace and mercy? Please share; I'd love to hear...
Shea (5) has started Kindergarten! She loves it, thinks it's super cool, and is especially enamoured with the bus. Five mornings per week, four of my children are at school. Wow!
Malakai (3 next week) has had his first visit to Preschool! Starting next Tuesday, he will begin attending two mornings per week. Two mornings per week, five of my children are in school. (Yes, that's all of them.) Unbelievable!
Pat is preparing to return to Haiti this fall (he was there last fall as well). Last year they were laboring to put the finishing touches on the trade school run by Haiti Arise Ministries. This year they will be hard at work rebuilding the homes of the HAM staff and community members, as well as possibly working on an elementary school. The trade school had to be demolished after the earthquake, and HAM will be rebuilding it eventually.
(On a side note, in order to serve on this missions trip, each team member is required to fund raise his or her own support. They each need approximately $2000 for the whole trip and it needs to be in by September 26th. With two and a half weeks remaining, we are sitting about $1200 shy of meeting our fundraising goal. If you just read those words and felt God nudging your heart, please email me to find out how to partner with our family in sending Pat out to share the love of Jesus in Haiti.)
Our family has found a church home. Finally! After being so involved for so many years, it was not an easy task to find a new church! We are waiting to get connected in a small group and I have hopped on board with the women's ministry. The kids love it there and the Pastor is a man who is not afraid to preach the Truth straight from God's Word!
In just over a month I will be speaking on Mommy, Why are you Angry? at the Freshwind Women's Conference (in a breakout session). I am both thrilled and terrified, yet resting assured that God is in complete control.
There are, of course, a million other new things about to begin - dance lessons, skating lessons, karate, hockey, and zumba... But we've all got that kind of crazy, don't we?! What is God doing NEW in your life this fall? Is He calling you to a new ministry? Blessing you with a new addition? Moving you to a new home? Showering you anew with His grace and mercy? Please share; I'd love to hear...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Some Things You Should Know
Before anyone gets to thinking that I'm a super-mom or super-Christian, there are a few things I think you should know about me...
I write based on my own experiences. If I happen to write something full of wisdom and aweseomeness, it's not because I'm wise and awesome. More than likely, it's because God is working out junk in my heart and life and in order for it to "stick" I need to write it, share it, and teach it. For example, Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks wouldn't have had much to offer in the way of helpful if I didn't struggle with anger on a daily (and sometimes minute-by-minute) basis.
I have a potty mouth. I don't write with it and I really, really try not to speak using it, but sometimes words like crud, dang, and even shoot and frig pop out of my mouth in their true blue, four letter, can't even type them in this post, nasty form. If I am hurt - especially a stubbed toe - and you are within a city block of me, your jaw will drop in shock and horror and the words you hear. I'm sorry. I really do try!
I am hugely extroverted. If you get me on the phone, please be cautioned in advance - I am incapable of shutting up and saying good-bye. One of the reasons I love writing is because I can go back after the fact and trim out all the surplus words my mouth can't pull back in. One of the drawbacks of my extroversion is that I NEED interaction to survive. Seriously. If I don't get social interaction I am likely to curl myself into the fetal position and whimper for hours. So like, if you all could comment a wee bit more often, that would help. (Kidding. Well, not really.)
I love school. I love having my kids in school. I love sending them to school. I strongly support the use of school bussing as a means of transporting my kids to school. Every summer I look forward to the commencement of full days of school and each spring I gaze upon the upcoming lazy days of summer with a mix of love and dread. You won't catch me crying and snapping commemorative photos as I drop kiddies off on their first day. I used to feel guilty, thinking that this was some sort of flaw in me. I mean, all the other moms are so sad watching their babies grow up and the really good moms are homeschooling. I was sure something must be broken in my good mommy compartment.
But over the years God has shown me how He designed me to be this way, so that I had the time to do the ministry He called me to in addition to the ministry of mothering. Now, I am okay with who I am and how I am. And I no longer apologize for it. School's in, routine is back, and I AM SO HAPPY! :)
I could go on and on about all the ways I am (or at least feel that I am) not the best example of a Godly woman. But I don't want this to be one of those posts where I pour out all my self-esteem issues and you try to build me back up in the comments. I just want to be real. I am flawed and I don't ever want anyone to get the impression that I am (or think I am) perfect.
I'm a real girl with real issues. But I do happen to believe with everything in me that Jesus is the answer for ALL of my issues. Basically, my goal here is to help you believe that He is the answer for all your issues, too. And if the best method of offering "proof" that Jesus works in real life for real issues is for me to be real about my "stuff," well, then I'll go there.
I write based on my own experiences. If I happen to write something full of wisdom and aweseomeness, it's not because I'm wise and awesome. More than likely, it's because God is working out junk in my heart and life and in order for it to "stick" I need to write it, share it, and teach it. For example, Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks wouldn't have had much to offer in the way of helpful if I didn't struggle with anger on a daily (and sometimes minute-by-minute) basis.
I have a potty mouth. I don't write with it and I really, really try not to speak using it, but sometimes words like crud, dang, and even shoot and frig pop out of my mouth in their true blue, four letter, can't even type them in this post, nasty form. If I am hurt - especially a stubbed toe - and you are within a city block of me, your jaw will drop in shock and horror and the words you hear. I'm sorry. I really do try!
I am hugely extroverted. If you get me on the phone, please be cautioned in advance - I am incapable of shutting up and saying good-bye. One of the reasons I love writing is because I can go back after the fact and trim out all the surplus words my mouth can't pull back in. One of the drawbacks of my extroversion is that I NEED interaction to survive. Seriously. If I don't get social interaction I am likely to curl myself into the fetal position and whimper for hours. So like, if you all could comment a wee bit more often, that would help. (Kidding. Well, not really.)
I love school. I love having my kids in school. I love sending them to school. I strongly support the use of school bussing as a means of transporting my kids to school. Every summer I look forward to the commencement of full days of school and each spring I gaze upon the upcoming lazy days of summer with a mix of love and dread. You won't catch me crying and snapping commemorative photos as I drop kiddies off on their first day. I used to feel guilty, thinking that this was some sort of flaw in me. I mean, all the other moms are so sad watching their babies grow up and the really good moms are homeschooling. I was sure something must be broken in my good mommy compartment.
But over the years God has shown me how He designed me to be this way, so that I had the time to do the ministry He called me to in addition to the ministry of mothering. Now, I am okay with who I am and how I am. And I no longer apologize for it. School's in, routine is back, and I AM SO HAPPY! :)
I could go on and on about all the ways I am (or at least feel that I am) not the best example of a Godly woman. But I don't want this to be one of those posts where I pour out all my self-esteem issues and you try to build me back up in the comments. I just want to be real. I am flawed and I don't ever want anyone to get the impression that I am (or think I am) perfect.
I'm a real girl with real issues. But I do happen to believe with everything in me that Jesus is the answer for ALL of my issues. Basically, my goal here is to help you believe that He is the answer for all your issues, too. And if the best method of offering "proof" that Jesus works in real life for real issues is for me to be real about my "stuff," well, then I'll go there.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
A quick thank-you...
to Tracy at My Slice of Sanity for featuring my recent post on anger. I am humbled and honored. :)
Friday, September 3, 2010
Seven Steps to Stop Anger in its Tracks
The other morning I was supervising Braeden (12) as he went through his morning routine. Because of his cerebral palsy, Braeden's motor control isn't always the greatest, and I suspected that he wasn't doing the best job brushing his teeth. I was watching and coaching, "Okay, now the bottom. Do the back part. No, not there, the inside. Okay, now the outside. No, no, no, here!" He brushed the same areas over and over again, missing the same two spots with every back-and-forth of the brush. It was clear to me that this was not really a motor control issue, but more of a pre-teen laziness thing. My jaw clenched just a little bit as my frustration mounted.
I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.
I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...
And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.
I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."
As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.
Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!
How to stop anger in its tracks:
1.. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.
2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.
3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*
4. Breathe.
5. Pay attention to the times of day that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).
6. Always ask for forgiveness.
7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.
* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.
I stepped in to place my hand over his and guide him in moving the brush over to the neglected teeth. He made one of those rude adolescent noises (a cross between a whine, a grunt, and a growl) and swung around to pull away from me. His scowl lit a spark in me that has been dormant for some time. I felt heat climb up my neck, a knot develop in my stomach, and my teeth ground together so tightly I could hear them crunch. In two seconds flat, I went from frustrated to mad.
I grabbed back on to his hand clasping the toothbrush, and we brushed! A muffled, "Ow!" tried to make its way around the frothy brush jammed into his mouth. I continued. "Ow!" A bit louder this time. With everything in me I wanted to grab on to the back of his neck, make him be still, and brush all my fury away. I wanted to scream at him to, "Shut up and stop whining! If you did a good job in the first place I wouldn't have to help you!" I could feel it bubbling to the surface...
And then I felt this little pinprick in my spirit and words from James echoed in my mind, Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires... The balloon of anger didn't burst, but developed a slow leak. I could tell that it would deflate soon, if I just gave it time and quit puffing more air into it. I shot up a dart of a prayer, "Lord, I need you to interrupt me right now, so I don't completely lose it." Without a word, I let go and stepped out of the bathroom. I breathed deeply once, twice, three times. While smaller, that balloon still rested at the back of my throat. I took the three steps into my bedroom, closed the door, stuffed my pillow into my face, and hollered with everything in me, "Aggggghhhhhhh!!!" Then I breathed again - in through the nose, out through the mouth, again, again.
I realized that the rushed morning hours may not be the best time for teaching. I returned to find Braeden rinsing his mouth. I said sorry that I was rough and asked if he was okay. He nodded. I asked him if we could practice brushing his teeth properly on Saturdays, to make sure he's getting all the areas. He nodded. I asked if I could have a hug. He smiled and nodded and wrapped his one good arm around me, "I love you, Mom. You're the best."
As I sent my big boy out the door to his bus, I reflected on how differently that could have gone. How differently it would have gone in the past. And I thanked God for working in me and for interrupting me when I need Him to.
Have you experienced that pinprick in the spirit recently, where God interrupts your natural reaction to turn you around? Maybe when you were about to speak those snarky words to your husband? Or share that juicy morsel of gossip with a girlfriend? Perhaps it's your own anger story? I'd love to hear how God has been working in your life!
How to stop anger in its tracks:
1.. Learn to recognize the physical feelings of anger that precede the emotional outburst. Respond to those physical feelings by stepping away.
2. Find Scriptures that remind you why you don't want to be angry. Write them out on index cards, carry them around, read them out loud. Eventually, they will get lodged in your heart and mind.
3. Ask God to interrupt your typical reactions.*
4. Breathe.
5. Pay attention to the times of day that you are easily triggered. Make those times of day as routine as possible and avoid things that add more stress (such as trying to teach a new skill or send an important email).
6. Always ask for forgiveness.
7. Don't forget to thank God for each and every success.
* This phrase is adapted from a live talk given by Lysa TerKeurst.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Stop Trying to be Good
This year, as I seek to become consecrated for God and His purposes, many of my posts have taken the bent of "Am I good enough?" or "Is my life good enough?" and even "Good Enough isn't Good Enough!" Just the other night, I was having a conversation with Pat about this very thing - venting my frustration at the lack of any huge, noticeable change in my life and in the life of our family.
Pat's a good husband, so he let me go on for quite a while (he knows that sometimes I need to "talk it through" before I get to the part that makes any sense). At one point, he interjected and cautioned me. He reminded me that none of us can be good enough by trying harder, especially in our own strength. I'm not always the best wife, so I argued my point (I really like to be right) talking of things such as obedience, spiritual disciplines, and so on.
I don't say this very often...Pat, you were right. (And no, you may not print this off and frame it!)
Yes, the spiritual disciplines are important (reading the Bible, prayer, memorizing Scripture). Yes, obedience is of great consequence. But if these things are not done out of a soul-deep love of Jesus, the result will often be disappointment, frustration, and failure.
I want to be holy, but not holier-than-thou. I want to be righteous, but do not have to be right all the time. So I am going to stop trying to be good, or even good enough. I am going to stop expecting that of my family. Instead, I am going to return to my first love and let my heart be filled up with worship. Changed by adoration. Renewed with love. Consecrated by devotion. A transformation that will not fail.
Pat's a good husband, so he let me go on for quite a while (he knows that sometimes I need to "talk it through" before I get to the part that makes any sense). At one point, he interjected and cautioned me. He reminded me that none of us can be good enough by trying harder, especially in our own strength. I'm not always the best wife, so I argued my point (I really like to be right) talking of things such as obedience, spiritual disciplines, and so on.
I don't say this very often...Pat, you were right. (And no, you may not print this off and frame it!)
Yes, the spiritual disciplines are important (reading the Bible, prayer, memorizing Scripture). Yes, obedience is of great consequence. But if these things are not done out of a soul-deep love of Jesus, the result will often be disappointment, frustration, and failure.
I want to be holy, but not holier-than-thou. I want to be righteous, but do not have to be right all the time. So I am going to stop trying to be good, or even good enough. I am going to stop expecting that of my family. Instead, I am going to return to my first love and let my heart be filled up with worship. Changed by adoration. Renewed with love. Consecrated by devotion. A transformation that will not fail.
And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~2 Corinthians 3:18
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Least, Less Than, Lower
Today I'm joining with Ann as we reflect on How Do You Care for the Least of These?
At first, I began creating a list in my head of things we do - sponsor children, missions trips, giving a $20 to the odd homeless dude... But my heart cried out to my mind, "Are only the poor in need?! Who are the least of these?" And I was reminded of something I like to do occasionally...
In my twelve years as a mother of young children, there have been a few days that shine as precious gems in my memory. The friend who insisted on watching my children - frequently - while I struggled with post-partum depression. My mom, who was always willing to do whatever was needed (and still is), be it childcare, housework, yard work. The girlfriend who, while here visiting for a coffee, insisted on helping fold laundry. The teachers and bus driver who delivered a massive box of meals following the birth of another addition. The mysterious $100 gift card slipped into my church mailbox. The friends and family who cared for my kids and brought food as I helped care for another. The list goes on!
Am I in need? I mean, truly, desperately in need? Not like sweet Engeline, Charles, and Berwa, our sponsor children. Not like our friends and ministry partners in Haiti. Not like the bedraggled man wearing snowmobiling coveralls to keep from freezing while he sleeps on the cold, winter streets of Alberta. Yet for some reason, God saw fit to bless me through the love of those around us. And some days - during those lonely, aching days of isolated motherhood - those blessings were all I had to cling to.
I may not have enough money to ever feed enough children to stop starvation. I may not have enough boldness to pack up my whole family and move to a third world country. I may not always have a stray bill in my purse that can provide whatever a desperate man needs to keep himself alive.
But I do often have a few free hours where I'm sitting at home doing nothing more than endless piles of laundry. What's one or two more kids for those few hours? I frequently have enough food to make two meals instead of one. Every now and then I've got an extra bit of money at the grocery store, which I could choose to spend on a gift card instead of potato chips.
Are the people I see day in and day out "the least of these?" Maybe, some days, as they repeat the endless cycle of mothering and homemaking, they feel like less than nothing. I know I did. Occasionally still do. Caring for little ones is not an easy job, and not all that rewarding - sometimes us mommas feel lower than low. I remember that feeling when I see it written on the face of another. Perhaps we all walk roads and times of being the least, less than, and lower so that we can be ministered to, and in turn, minister to those who come after us.
Sometimes, caring for the least of these is no farther than going next door and sharing a cup of coffee, a smile, and a few encouraging words.
At first, I began creating a list in my head of things we do - sponsor children, missions trips, giving a $20 to the odd homeless dude... But my heart cried out to my mind, "Are only the poor in need?! Who are the least of these?" And I was reminded of something I like to do occasionally...
In my twelve years as a mother of young children, there have been a few days that shine as precious gems in my memory. The friend who insisted on watching my children - frequently - while I struggled with post-partum depression. My mom, who was always willing to do whatever was needed (and still is), be it childcare, housework, yard work. The girlfriend who, while here visiting for a coffee, insisted on helping fold laundry. The teachers and bus driver who delivered a massive box of meals following the birth of another addition. The mysterious $100 gift card slipped into my church mailbox. The friends and family who cared for my kids and brought food as I helped care for another. The list goes on!
Am I in need? I mean, truly, desperately in need? Not like sweet Engeline, Charles, and Berwa, our sponsor children. Not like our friends and ministry partners in Haiti. Not like the bedraggled man wearing snowmobiling coveralls to keep from freezing while he sleeps on the cold, winter streets of Alberta. Yet for some reason, God saw fit to bless me through the love of those around us. And some days - during those lonely, aching days of isolated motherhood - those blessings were all I had to cling to.
I may not have enough money to ever feed enough children to stop starvation. I may not have enough boldness to pack up my whole family and move to a third world country. I may not always have a stray bill in my purse that can provide whatever a desperate man needs to keep himself alive.
But I do often have a few free hours where I'm sitting at home doing nothing more than endless piles of laundry. What's one or two more kids for those few hours? I frequently have enough food to make two meals instead of one. Every now and then I've got an extra bit of money at the grocery store, which I could choose to spend on a gift card instead of potato chips.
Are the people I see day in and day out "the least of these?" Maybe, some days, as they repeat the endless cycle of mothering and homemaking, they feel like less than nothing. I know I did. Occasionally still do. Caring for little ones is not an easy job, and not all that rewarding - sometimes us mommas feel lower than low. I remember that feeling when I see it written on the face of another. Perhaps we all walk roads and times of being the least, less than, and lower so that we can be ministered to, and in turn, minister to those who come after us.
Sometimes, caring for the least of these is no farther than going next door and sharing a cup of coffee, a smile, and a few encouraging words.
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