Yesterday, I carried a massive knot in my stomach from the moment I woke. It didn't subside when I took 15 minutes to read a new novel. It wouldn't let go during small group fellowship. It's still there now. Thinking back, I didn't sleep well at all the night before last - I was probably all tied up in knots already.
The only word I can find to describe the emotion that is causing my discomfort is anxiety.
I am anxious about putting my baby in day care, when he still resisted preschool after 10 months of regular attendance.
I am anxious about the days where the older children may arrive home on the school bus slightly before I make it home after work.
I am anxious that I won't be able to hack the pressure of being Mommy and employee.
I am anxious that I'll get too busy and my writing and speaking opportunities will fritter away.
I am anxious about what to cook for dinner for the entire month of September.
As I write out my worries, I feel the knot in my gut my climbing up into the back of my throat.
I pause for a moment and wonder what this is all about. It's not like me to worry and fret. It's not like me to play the "what if" game. And when I bump into feelings and reactions that are just "not me," I remember that I have an enemy who likes to try and fill my head with lies. Lies with just enough truth behind them to be believable.
The father of lies wants me to worry that I can't do it... But I have a different Father, and my Daddy says something different.
The truth is, apart from Jesus, I can do nothing. (John 15:5)
The truth is, I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13)
The truth is, God has a good plan for me that involves hope and a future, not disaster. (Jer. 29:11)
The truth is, He didn't give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love. (2 Tim. 1:7)
So here I sit, hearing whispered lies yet knowing the truth. I'm at a crossroads, and I must choose. Will I believe the one who says I am weak, the one who predicts my failure, the one who wants me to walk through my days afraid? Or will I believe the One who loves me and has adopted me as His own child? (Eph. 1:5)
Whom will I believe?
And you - when you feel weak, afraid, weary, incompetent - whom will you believe?
I receive these words as a healing balm over my soul, and in turn pray them over you today...
I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
~ Ephesians 3:16-21