I had visions of grasping this new start with both hands, and being the woman I really want to be.
I would be a great mother - patient, firm, fun, involved. I would teach Scripture memory verses at home after school. I would be in attendance at all school events and extra-curricular activities. I would not yell at my children. I would take joy in them and not allow irritation to overtake my face and my countenance.
I would also get back to eating well, going to a gym, looking great and feeling confident. I could dress a little more fashionably and do my hair and make-up daily.
There are a million things I'd rather be than who I am. Now is my chance to become that girl. Sherwood Park Tyler could be everything Red Deer Tyler wished she was but couldn't be...
Then reality came crashing in on me. We moved, we ate junk, I gained weight, I wore exercise pants for days, the children went crazy, I went crazy, I yelled and scowled and growled. Why can't I just change into who I want to be?
The truth is - I am not my own to reinvent. I don't get to become someone new and different simply because I wish it. I am who God created me to be, and any change that happens in me - in my heart - will be because He has made it happen. Because I am HIS to reinvent.
Lord, reinvent me with Your grace. I don't want to be someone who I'm not - I want to be the woman You will for me to be. Reinvent me from the inside out. Begin by changing my heart and my perspective to match Yours. Let me not measure my worth by the standards of appearance. I don't want to "look" like a good mother on the outside but have the stain of anger covering my heart. I don't want to put on the mask of put-together-ness and remain broken on the inside. I want to be changed by You, through You, for You, and for Your glory. Father, please, reinvent me... As Psalm 51:10 says, create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise.
Psalm 51:7-15 (MSG)
I feel very much like that lately too...but I haven't moved, just added another child to the mix. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear today...so glad you are back :)
ReplyDeleteOh Tyler. I laughed when I read your post. Not at you, at myself. I have moved around lately and I always tell myself those things, new town, new lifestyle. A move is never easy never mind moving all your crap, unpacking it and trasforming yourself.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too disappointed in yourself, I think you are fabulous just as you are.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's hard enough to manage a houshold of five kids without going crazy, nevermind finding time to be the picture perfect mom and looking after yourself! Start by being easier on yourself. Forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord says "Love your neighbor as yourself". and he means exactly that. Love yourself.
Things don't happen all at once. take a deep breathe and focus on one thing, just one and no more. You are not superwoman, nor should you expect yourself to be. Take refuge in the Lord. He is not here to judge, persecute, or point out the flaws of your ways. Love yourself as he loves you, and the rest will come.
"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."(Matthew 11:28)